Is the Economy Making You Fat?

I just read an article in Ad Age entitled, Does This Economy Make My Butt Look Big? It talks about how many of the various weight loss programs are suffering as people have less money to spend. I imagine that gyms are getting fewer people as well. People can spend less on losing weight so they might now be packing on more pounds.

So now we have another excuse for gaining weight!

I found that whole idea a shame. Many people use companies like Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig to manage their weight but haven’t learned a lot of what they teach. Don’t get me wrong, I think these organizations are terrific and help many people. They teach a healthier way of eating and viewing food. But it’s hard to grasp why people would give up on themselves if they have to stop going. I truly hope this isn’t happening on a large scale (pun intended!).

It’s hard to take weight off and maintain the loss if you don’t feel good about you, with or without support.

As I worked on loving myself more and building better self-esteem, losing weight became easier. I control my eating for the sake of being self-loving, not just to look better for others. It’s for ME! I want good health and to feel good. Carrying around extra pounds doesn’t feel as good. It’s so important to take the lessons you learned from whatever support you may get and use it even if you’re on your own.

Organizations that help you lose weight, or to get anything else under control should be used as a learning tool, not a crutch.

When you love yourself and want to feel good, you have the best motivation. When my personal trainer isn’t around (or I want to save a few bucks one week), I work out myself. I know how to. Yes, it’s more helpful when he’s there pushing me to new heights or spotting me on the weights. But I know enough not to give up if he’s not there.

With money tighter and the economy bad, I’ve actually made it work in my favor and have lost more weight!

Being budget conscious, I’ve used the economy as an “excuse” to cut back on my more calorie laden eating. In restaurants, I eat less and take more home. I’ll add veggies if necessary or some beans. etc. to have healthier substance to make a second meal. It’s led to eating smaller portions of red meat (which I don’t eat much of anymore) and chicken. As I slowly cut back on my portion sizes, I noticed a small weight loss. I’ve actually been spending less money too!

I didn’t do this to lose weight. I just saw prices going up in restaurants and at the supermarket, and wanted to be more economical.

It’s YOUR choice to eat healthier, less, or more. When you truly love yourself and want to get into better shape, go to a mirror and say, “I love you and want to make you healthier.” Reinforce it as an affirmation until you believe it. Go to Weight Watchers, etc. when you can. But don’t look for excuses to eat more or more unhealthy. That’s YOUR decision, not your fate because the economy isn’t good.

Find ways to take advantage of the bad economy instead of lamenting it. I now prefer my smaller portions, and the results. Americans eat way too much anyway!

If you change your lifestyle a little to flow with the rising prices, you can find alternative ways to feel good in a not so good environment. It begins with changing your perception of what’s going on and looking for the good in what’s not so good. You can if you don’t let it get you down. Because I’m happy, I feel no lack in these days of a bad economy. Except for a few pounds I didn’t need!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

Carnival of Healing #125

Welcome to the Carnival of Healing #125! I’m absolutely delighted to be hosting again. The Carnival is a weekly round-up of personal blog posts on the topics of holistic health, wellness, spirituality, and self-empowerment. It’s coordinated by About.com's Guide to Holistic Healing, Phylameana Iila Desy.

Last week's Carnival of Healing was kindly hosted by World Healing. Astrid is a Reiki Master Teacher and as someone who also does reiki, I was delighted to read We Are One World Healing » Reiki- 10 Myths Debunked. Reiki is hands on healing and people have a lot of misconceptions about it, which this article clears up. Next week it will be hosted by Natural Pain Relief.

I’ve been celebrating self-love on my blog his week in honor of Valentine’s Day. In that spirit, I’ll present the articles as different ways you can show yourself love. I believe that taking care of body, mind and spirit is very loving. Having a Love Affair with Yourself is a strong catalyst for many other things that are beneficial to your soul. I learned to treat myself in special ways for V Day, and will continue throughout the year to nurture my self-love. It begins with my buying A Rose for Me. Many of the articles below can give you more ideas for ways to treat YOU more lovingly, which nurtures self-love and builds better self-esteem. So you improve, feel good, and grow into a healthier person! There are many great articles and I thank everyone for their submissions.

Self-love is nurturing your inner self. The most loving gift I’ve given to me was developing my spiritual mindset and getting in touch with who I am inside. Todd at We The Change posted an insightful article about his own journey to manifest spirituality in Spirituality: What I Have Learned So Far. Growing faith in whatever way works for you makes it easier to feel loving to YOU!

Self-love is finding peaceful ways to disagree with others.
Warren at Personal Development shares several reasons why mediation can be extremely useful for communication in his thought-provoking post, Why Mediation Can Be Very Useful. Having someone understand your point can be a very loving way to settle yourself down from the stress of not being listened to with objectivity.

Self-love is changing your thoughts or mindset for a healthier outlook and to get rid of negatives that attract more negatives. Ananga at Ananga Sivyer's Living by Design Blog says, “Some of my fellow bloggers have been writing lately on the subject of de-cluttering. De-cluttering cupboards, de-cluttering rooms, workplaces etc. And that got me thinking about another key area that really benefits from being free from clutter. The clutter in our heads. What are we tucking away in corners and lugging around with us that we don’t need anymore?” Amen! In her post, Have you De-cluttered Your Head Lately?, she has fabulous suggestions for clearing our heads. All cleaning is an act of self-love!

Dr. Gabriella at Psychology, Transformation & Freedom Papers discusses a very loving concept that’s in all my books, in Claiming Responsibility For the Self. That gives you power over your life—a very loving act!

Shirley at Brighter Days for you and me! talks aboutWhy Doesn’t Life Come With an Instruction Book?, with checklist for creating a more positive and orderly life. Doing that makes me feel more loved!

Self-love is developing better personal habits that make you feel more like a person worthy of love. David at Slow Down Fast Today! says, “I’m not sure being polite to convenience store clerks has ever been covered completely in self-help literature, but I think it may be one of the best things we can do to actually become, and remember, who we really are.” Maybe not yet, but it’s discussed in my next book, Nice Girls on Top. Since the Law of Attraction brings back what you give out, being conscious about being courteous to all brings it back to you, which is an act of self-love too. Check out more about why it makes sense in David’s post, You Don't Have To Be In A Good Mood To Be Courteous.

Self-love is watching your weight in healthy ways. When you become conscious of your eating habits, you give yourself love by feeling better about your body! Paul at Workoutebooks says, “If you choose to join a weight loss program to give you the support necessary to assist you to shed those extra pounds then you might well elect to join a web-based program. But just what can you expect from a web-based program?” He gives tips for choosing one in What Should You Look For In An Online Workout Program?

And if you’ve ever wondered whether men or women have an advantage for burning fat, Stanimir at All About Your Body And Spirit discusses Who burns more fat, men or women?. The more you learn, the more love you can give YOU!

Many people struggle to lose weight. The discouragement it can cause creates stress that isn’t loving to YOU! Healthy Tips For A Healthy Lifestyle offers Health Tip #32: Use the law of attraction to lose weight and get fit. A positive attitude about weight loss is much more loving!

Too much dieting isn’t loving! Dr Martin Russell at Self Help Blog addresses the serious problem of anorexia in The Strange Behavior Of Anorexia - Part 1.

Self-love is learning how to generate healing energy. Gia at The Science of Energy Healing explains how different types of energy that we all have in Energetic Integrity with the Three Primary Energies of the Body posted. When your energy is balanced, it’s easier to love yourself.

I love pearls! Wearing them makes me feel great, which is loving. So I was delighted to read Astrid’s article, Power of Pearl at World Healing. Now I have a good excuse to buy more pearls! ☺

Self-love is making an effort to reach your goals. Brendan at Brendan McPhillips compares the illustrious Oprah Winfrey to Thomas Paine, author of Common Sense and a big force on the American Revolution. He shares qualities from these 2 great people who share a birthdays that can help you reach your goals in Choose and Reach Your Goals with Paine and Oprah Power (POP). Giving yourself power is a loving gift.

Self-love is enriching your life with good friends. Life Balanced posted The Secret to Being a Great Friend saying, “The secret to having great friends is to BE a great friend. This post includes eight things we can all do to strengthen relationships with people who are important to us.” The right friends enable us to both give and receive love. Gotta love that! ☺

Self-love manifests from a smile, which is very loving in that it attracts people who are attracted to good energy, and it stimulates you body to release more serotonin and endorphins, which lift your mood. Kavit at Wellness Junction by Kavit Haria tells us How to make your smile more attractive. Prepare to curl your lips!

Self-love is doing things to become more fit, which helps you feel great! Lovelyn at The Art of Balanced Living talks about her experience with Thai Massage, which combines assisted stretching with an acupressure style massage. All massage is loving (I’d get one any time or place it’s offered!) and what a self-loving gift when great stretches are added!

Frederic at Frederic at Frederic Patenaude Talks offers some points about how exercise can help you age well in Staying a Step Ahead of Aging. Aging well is a great dose of self-love!

Self-love is finding healthy ways to improve yourself. Raymond at Money Blue Book shares his experience with laser vision correction in My Experience With Lasik Eye Surgery. Improving your vision is another act of self-love!

Petra at Medopdedia Medopdedia shares info about how a new technology can help you detect problems without invasive procedures in the future in Haptics Technology will Let Radiologists feel your Insides via Computer.

Self-love is finding healthy ways to stay fresh and clean. Michael at ControlYourImpact.com posted an overview of health risks that research shows can occur with from using most deodorants and all antiperspirants in Deodorants, Antiperspirants and Your Health

Speaking of odor, did ya ever back off from someone whose breath is pungent? You don’t want to be the one making others back off. Aparna at Beauty and Personal Grooming says “Temporary bad-breath can occur when one has savored delectable dishes interspersed with strong flavored foods like onion, garlic, or as a result of food particles getting trapped in the teeth cavities.” and gives tips for changing it in Beauty and Personal Grooming: Home remedies for bad breath.

Self-love is learning to find the lessons is life’s situations. We all experience loss at some point. Anna at Widows Quest has a short post, The True Tragedy In Grief, about how to learn and grow from your grief. Self-love helps you cope in healthy ways!

Louise at The Human Imprint has a short but interesting article, Maternal skills, on how having kids can each good lessons for being more assertive in general. Standing up for the one you love—YOU—gets you more!

Self-love is finding supplements that can improve your health. I began to take supplements as an act of love to improve myself. There are many out there and we can’t take them all so helpful info can help make decisions. Spencer at Colloidal Silver Secrets explains Why Take Colloidal Silver?.

Herb at Bee Propolis says, “Recent research indicates that bee propolis could be an effective treatment for burns.” He explains this in his post, Bee Propolis As A Treatment For Burns.

Self-love is laughter! I’ll end this Carnival with a humorous post from Madeleine at Mad Kane's Humor Blog about how many of us procrastinate about making decisions—Decisions, Decisions, Decisions. She has a challenge if you want to try and you may get a good laugh. Laughing is good for you!

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That’s it for this week’s Carnival of Healing. So, get up RIGHT NOW and do something loving for YOU! RIGHT NOW! Remember to check out the one next week at Natural Pain Relief. You can submit to the Carnival of Healing with the Carnival Submission Form. If you enjoyed the Carnival, please leave a comment and click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon. Thanks!

10 Things I LOVE About Me!

I confess. I’m currently not in love with a guy right now and feel no shame or disappointment. I’ve dated a few guys lately but nothing special. It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m okay. Actually, I’m better than okay. Falling in love with ME has been the most beneficial love I’ve experienced so far. I’d love to meet a special guy who’d be worth my time. Otherwise, I have so much I want to do and would rather do them than to be bored on a date. I do believe with all my heart that there is one special guy for me, and when the time is right, God will arrange for us to meet.

Until then, I’ll continue to enjoy my life and give myself lots of love and appreciation.

That’s why, in honor of V Day, I shall make a list of things I love about me. You should try it too! Identifying what you’re happy with is a form of gratitude that comes back to you. Love yourself and you’ll get more love from others. So here it is:

10 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT ME:

1. My connection with God. For so many years I had no faith and I love that I consciously nurtured the strong spiritual mindset I now have.

2. Not being desperate for a man like I was when I was a DoorMat. It allows me to own my life, more enjoyment, and be more relaxed. I’m no longer one of those chicks who’s always looking to see what men are in the place I’m in or wasting time trying to figure out how to meet one.

3. My pretty green eyes. Not hazel but real green! I never knew I had them until someone pulled me to a mirror and forced me to pay attention. My flaws blinded me to my good qualities.

4. My cheerful nature. I used to act cheerful so people would like me more but inside I was crying. Now the cheer I give is what I feel!

5. My smile, which radiates through me to everyone in my path. I remember when I rarely smiled as I was too on edge trying to please everyone to notice that I wasn’t receiving joy. Now I’m known for my smile. People call me Sunshine and Star.

6. My perseverance for running. It’s NY. Winter. Cold. Yet I continue to go to Central Park whenever my schedule and wet weather allows. Folks are incredulous that I go in the cold. I explain that my body doesn’t cut me slack because it’s winter. It doesn’t put weight gain on hold till spring. I HATE doing cardio at the gym. So I put on my fleece and know that it’s my CHOICE. I rationalize that I must burn more calories as my body fends off the cold winds. ☺

7. That I make budgeting for a personal trainer for weight training a priority. I’d never worked out in a gym till 6 years ago. I had taken aerobic classes but stayed away from free-weights, even though they called me, because I didn’t know what to do with them and the room mainly had guys. My personal trainer taught me good form and now I’m the first woman he’s worked with who can bench press 35-pound dumbbells. I’m working up to 40 pounds. Now men in the gym watch me in fascination!

8. My soft, curvy, in proportion body. I used to just see the cellulite. Now I love my curves and continue to exercise to get into even better shape. But I appreciate that I’m good now!

9. My writing skills. I feel so blessed to be able to earn a living as a writer. I LOVE writing so much and found my way into the most fabulous career that any girl could want—one that I never dreamed I could do back in DoorMatville.

10. My tenacity in turning down work, when things are tight. I vowed to only do what I love and my faith allows me to do that, even when things might look bleak to someone else.


Okay, I’m cheating. I said 10 things but I can’t limit it and will continue. Self-love and appreciation is the truest blessing! Since it’s Valentine Day, please indulge me. I also LOVE:

11. That I’ve learned to value passion, people and contentment over striving to make a lot of money. I see so many rich, yet unhappy folks. They work hard to rake in the cash, then spend it on possessions that they think they need, but aren’t happy when they get them. I always have enough for what I need. I LOVE that my joy comes from a deeper place.

12. That I live with intention of serving God through my writing and speaking. I get letters EVERY day from people who’ve read one of my books, telling me the impact it had on them. I may not have the biggest bank account around but I consider this abundance in the richest state.

13. I LOVE that I love my face. That may sound conceited but after hating it for most of my earlier years, it’s so lovely to look in the mirror and like what I see. With or without makeup, I now consider myself very pretty!

14. That I’m aging well and feel like I continue to get better, not worn out. Taking good care of myself on all levels supports that.

15. That I’m VERY healthy and continue to strive to maintain it. I never cared as I didn’t feel worthy of loving care.

I LOVE THAT I’M NOT A DOORMAT ANYMORE!

So there you go. Some of the things I love about me. I had a lovely lunch with a friend today and tonight I’m getting acupuncture, which always makes me fee fabulous after. So it’s a very loving day. I confess that I bought myself a teeny box of chocolates and ate them all! Being in love with YOURSELF is truly the most satisfying love there is.

I encourage you to make your own list of what you love about YOU and would LOVE you to post it in my comments so we can all see them and feel your joy. If you put it on your blog, please let me know and I’ll link to you.

Happy LOVE Day!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

A Rose for Me!

Tomorrow is the day that creates stress for many folks--Valentine's Day. We see men walking down the street carrying the often-obligatory flowers. Every year after 5 when work lets out, drug stores in NYC are full of men lining up to pay for something they grabbed off of a shelf to appease the romantic nature of their ladies. I always laugh when I see them, not putting much thought into the candy, card, stuffed animal, etc. to give to a woman who’ll probably oooo and ahhh over it. And it’s called romance.

One day dedicated to love. A day to force people to express their love. But it’s also a tradition that doesn’t put enough emphasis on loving each other every day.

I’m not bah humbugging Valentine’s Day. It can be lots of fun and an excuse to have great sex. But it’s given too much importance. Women expect a lot from their guys, who often don’t know what gifts to buy. Flowers are easy. They take no thought except to go buy them. Yet we love getting them. I do. In the long run, a gift, or just a token of caring, is much more special for those smart enough to give them, or to appreciate receiving them.

But what happens if you have no one to bring you flowers or chocolates or someone who gives you love on this day designated to celebrate love?

Valentine’s Day can hurt. You can’t avoid knowing that there’s a day made for love while you’re flying solo. Unless you hide in a closet for weeks before, there are blatant reminders of V Day all over. TV shows gives tips for making it special for your partner. Stores are doused in red hearts. Advertisements for flowers, jewelry, candy, etc. are everywhere. How’s a single person supposed to be happy amidst all the hype about this day for love?

I used to get depressed even before the holiday in the years before I had strong self-love. I remember walking down the street with tears flowing as I saw man after man walking with flowers but none were for me. I’d spend V Day with a friend who felt like I did. We pointed out all the flowers and gifts walking down the street and fed each other’s misery.

But I learned that we always have love if we let it in.

When I had my record label I went to London several times a year and stayed at the Luna House B & B, run by a family I got close to—parents, twin brothers and a sister. They were very good to me. One year I was there by myself during V Day. I was out the whole day and saw flowers come and go. I got sad with no one there to love me. I was very down until I returned to my room and saw a bouquet of roses and a stuffed bear holding a heart waiting for me. And a card from one of the brothers, that said, “I may not be your boyfriend but you’re loved. From your friend, Bernard.” He knew I felt bad and wanted to make me happy. I’ll never forget that sweet act of love!

Appreciating a real show of love instead of yearning for what might be obligatory creates a phenomenal boost in spirit.

My turning point for V Day came when I broke up with someone right before the BIG red-letter day. Since he had a big romantic streak, I’d been looking forward to spending V Day with him and getting roses. I buy myself flowers most weeks but roses always seemed appropriate from a guy. I began to mope when I went out and saw the parade of flowers. I wanted roses too! Then I thought about self-love. It was still fairly new for me but I felt it deeply.

I accepted that loving myself was the most important love of all. Why wait for a guy to get me what I desired?

I craved one perfect rose. It began with a thought and built up to a strong yearning. So I decided to get one. After all, I love me! I knew exactly what I wanted—yellowish orange with darker tinged edges. I pictured it and went on a mission to find the most perfect rose. It took a while as I began later in the day and many florists didn’t have much left. But I finally found the one I loved and spent ten bucks—for ONE rose! That’s love! I smiled every time I saw it on my nightstand and smelled it all week. Now I buy a single rose occasionally. It taught me how complete I really am!

ONE rose reinforced self-love. Small loving acts add up to a love affair with YOU.

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Exercise: List every splurge you can think of that might make you smile--what you’d love but hesitate to spend time or money on. Figure out how to get them, or at least one for now.
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One rose is inexpensive but loving! Splurges needn’t cost much. I love taking magazines to a café or park for a reading fest. What would you like?

* Ask someone to watch your kids, even if you hate asking.
* Spend a day walking/biking around town.
* Indulge in a $5 slice of cake.
* Get the optional accessory for your car or computer.
* Buy a pillow for your bath.
* Get your nails done.
* Surf the Internet guilt-free.
* Go to the nearest body of water and relax.
* Run away one weekend and just be – no obligations.
* Eat, sleep, and play how YOU want. Bring books or stuff you haven’t had time for.

Catch up on yourself. Having a relationship with YOU brings so much contentment. Pamper and treat yourself well.

Whether you have a partner or are doing Valentine’s Day solo, find small ways to say, “I love me!” Self-love is the most satisfying love you can develop. You must have a relationship and understanding of yourself before you can share your life with anyone else in a healthy way. So go ahead, buy yourself flowers or something you’ve wanted. Whether you have a romantic partner or not, plan to do something to honor YOU on the day that’s dedicated to love.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

Having a Love Affair with Yourself

Do you love yourself? A large majority of people don’t! They may love some of their attributes—the body they worked hard to develop in the gym, success at work, finding someone who’s considered a “catch” to marry, etc. Most self-empowerment books emphasize the importance of loving yourself. While it’s a wonderful concept, putting it into practice is tough!

We want to think we love ourselves. It seems like the right thing to do. Yet I encounter folks all the time who say they love themselves, but their actions prove otherwise. It isn’t loving to:

* Do more to make other people happy than you do for YOU.

* Talk about what’s wrong with you.

* Forget to take supplements you know you need to be healthy.

* Refuse to accept compliments or gratitude when you help someone.

* Stay in a relationship with someone who treats you poorly and ignores your needs.

When I was a DoorMat, my real friends encouraged me to love myself. They hated all the ways I did so much for people at my own expense, while getting little or nothing in return. Especially with men! My self-esteem was in the toilet. I saw self-love as impossible. I wanted it but didn’t know how to change course and put the love on me instead of on those who sucked me dry.

As I struggled to get stronger, I realized that the best way to develop more self-love was to treat myself more lovingly. Do more nice things for me. Be kinder in how I viewed my appearance.

The kinder I was, the more focus I had on me. The more focusing on me made me feel good, the more I focused on me. Being kind to you is a synergistic cycle that makes you more empowered, and happy. When I splurged on expensive face cream, it reinforced that I was worth it. People began to notice how much I love me. They ask how they can get to that same place. It takes serious consciousness-raising. That’s why I wrote my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways.

I gave the book proposal to my agent right before my Mom died suddenly from an accident. He loved it! After Mom’s funeral, I thought about how blessed I am to have been able to reinvent myself as I did. The biggest blessing is the intense self-love I’ve developed by consciously being very kind to me. I got a spiritual message that I had to help others and told my agent not to sell the book. It's now finished, and I plan to give it away in colleges, shelters, etc. I want to help others learn to love themselves the way I did. the book is done and I'm waiting for God to show me where to get sponsorship, I know I'll get it when the time is right.

FACT: The greatest gift you can give to yourself is yourself!

Do you like gifts? Who doesn’t? You all have the ability to give yourself the most special gift—YOURSELF! It's a gift that can only come from you. This unique, cherished blessing can be yours now!

The greatest gift! Living as a person you'd like to be instead of in the image of others makes the gift most precious.
The greatest gift! A best friend—yourself—a gift that lasts a lifetime.
The greatest gift! Unconditional self-love creates unlimited possibilities.
The greatest gift! The key to satisfaction is in owning the power to control what happens in your life.

Buddha said, “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” Think about how you treat lovers. What loving things have you done for them? When we’re hot for someone, we work to please, often with less concern for our own needs. For years I catered to any man who’d be with me. Oh please, let me keep him happy so he won’t leave! There was little for me, but I was too busy trying to please to care.

If you don’t treat yourself as well as you do others, start right now! In honor of Valentine’s Day begin to do loving things for YOU!

Until you make yourself the most important person in your life, you won’t develop the most rewarding love. Self-love nurtures self-empowerment. I remember the joy of feeling more control, as I began to show myself love. So sweet! I want you to experience that. To taste it. Try! Once you love your inner spirit, the outside stuff comes. I don't love my cellulite and I’d love to be younger but I love me. Even when my hair frizzes or I goof up, I love me. Since I love me, not my hair or body, flaws no longer diminish the delicious, warm self-love that makes me take care of myself in ways no one else would.

Having been on both sides, I know that being consistently self-loving is the only way to truly nurture happiness. Withholding self-love when I’m not perfect hurts me, so I try not to do that anymore. It makes sense to lavish yourself with what you benefit from the most. So lavish now! You’re a unique individual, which makes you special!

FACT: If you want love from others, love yourself first.

We often give love to others first. That’s backwards! Why give oodles away and neglect yourself? If this is your pattern, don’t worry. It’s okay to not love yourself yet. You can make it a habit, IF you want to, by doing loving things for YOU. Being consciously self-loving puts a focus on YOU and fuels self-love.

Do you think strong self-love is out of your reach? I did, when I felt too fat to love. In the mirror, I only saw what I thought of as my flubber dubbery body and unruly hair. I pleased everyone but me and stayed married since I was sure I’d be alone for the rest of my life if I became single —tantamount to death. Then I went to a Mary Kay cosmetics party and was picked as the model. The rep whispered that she chose me because of my beautiful skin and eyes. I bought some makeup and wore it to school the next day.

Kids can be the cruelest critics for their honesty. They tell it like it is. Yet many noticed my makeup and said I looked prettier than usual. Prettier? “Yes Mrs. Schwartz, you’re always pretty but today you look even prettier.

My eyes opened a little to my good qualities. Little by little it sunk in that I wasn’t worthless. Treating me more lovingly helped me see myself in a better light, which made me want to do more for me. Self-love is addictive. I was at the bottom, willing to settle for crumbs of happiness; operating from fear. I know what an empowering miracle it is to fall in love with yourself. Do whatever you can to court yourself. If I could do it, anyone can! People from way back don’t recognize me. They ask if I’ve found the fountain of youth. No, I’ve found happiness in me. I say thanks every day for the blessing of learning how to love me.

As my self-love grew, my DoorMat tendencies faded as I became important. I was no longer like a robot trying to get through life without hurting. I knew who I was and loved that person! You’ll become more empowered in a variety of directions once you adopt some better new habits. I’ll go into them in more details in other posts. For now, in honor of Valentine’s Day, here are some tips you can begin with:

• Be vigilant about your thoughts. Negative ones manifest negative experiences. Keep yours positive and enjoy more goodies!
• Put your hand on your heart and force a smile. It will eventually feel real if you keep doing it.
• Live in the present. Now is all that matters. Consciously drop thoughts about what happened in the past because it’s over and can only hurt you if you choose to allow it to. Stop worrying about the future because it’s not here yet.
• Take responsibility for your choices and how people treat you. No one can hurt you or take advantage unless you allow it.
• Stop complaining and trying to change others to your way of thinking. Change your response to what you don’t like and people will get the message.
• Treat everyone with respect and courtesy. Getting treated well begins with how you treat others.
• Treat yourself as lovingly as possible. All the time! The more love you give, the easier it is for your self-esteem to improve.

Whether you have a romantic partner or are flying solo, find ways to honor YOURSELF on Valentine’s Day! Do something special that’s just for you. As the kindness you show yourself increases, you’ll understand why the greatest gift you can give you is YOU!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

“I’m Not an Idiot, I’m Silly.”

Many self-help books and speakers encourage becoming your own best friend. It sounds good but it’s harder to implement. When I was a DoorMat, I kissed up to everyone but couldn’t figure out how to be a friend to me. My focus was on pleasing others. Be my own best friend? It sounded like a theory I couldn’t practice. When you’re brought up to be a people pleaser like I was, it’s easy to lose consciousness of how YOU treat YOU.

The good news: You can raise your consciousness, one baby step at a time and truly become the friend you deserve—by replacing old habits with more loving ones!

When you pay attention to how you treat and regard yourself, you can identify the habits that aren’t friendly to you and replace them with more loving ones. I always treated my friends lovingly. But the courtesy I gave them didn’t extend to me in the days when I was too busy catering to everyone else’s needs. Nor did I respect my needs or stop the hurtful situations I attracted. That certainly wasn’t being a friend to me, no less a best friend!

To me, being your own best friend means extending the same considerations, respect and loving behavior that you give to others, TO YOU.

The process begins with the first step and generates results as you practice your new habits. When you consciously do something over and over, it will eventually sink in! Then it will become an automatic habit.

Become aware of how you treat YOU. Seriously pay attention!

Do you talk nicely to yourself, like "Way to go!" or "I look great today." Or is your inner dialogue more commonly, “I'm an idiot for that" or "My stomach is disgustingly flabby." It's obviously wrong to hurt someone you care about. Yet we don’t always apply that to ourselves! You cut friends slack. It’s time to cut it for yourself!

CHOOSE to make a concerted effort to create good habits for your own well-being.

If a friend goofs, would you bash her? If your buddy lost his girlfriend, would you encourage self-flagellation? I doubt it. We reassure those we care about. Yet many of us have a much higher set of standards for our own shortcomings and punish ourselves for making the same mistakes or having the same inadequacies that we reassure friends about. How do you respond when you make mistakes? Treat yourself with kindness? Make an effort to take care of yourself? We're often harder on ourselves than on others. Do you talk to friends like you talk to yourself?

• "I'm a dummy for saying that."
• "How stupid can I get!"
• “I’m a big loser.”
• “I’m a big fat slob for eating so much.”

When you goof up next time, think about how you'd reassure a friend who's done what you did. What words would you use? Be reassuring instead of tearing yourself apart. Don't get angry at yourself for being human!! Find positives in what doesn't go right. You don't have to think in terms of being either right or wrong. You may have been nervous and not given your best presentation, but the information was well-documented. Pat yourself on the back for that.

Treat yourself as you would treat friends—use kinder words.

Just because you're not perfect, you're not a failure. Mistakes don't make you a loser. Get out of the habit of all or nothing. That's not being fair to you! You wouldn't call a friend a loser when they make a mistake. When your friends do something wrong you forgive them. Practice being your own best friend and forgive yourself.

As I struggled to stop being a DoorMat, I noticed how much I beat myself up, put myself down and hated myself more when my imperfections showed, especially over mistakes. I knew it was wrong and created a technique that helped me break that awful habit. I shared it in one of my books and hear from many people who said it did wonders for them. So I’ll share it here.

When friends trash themselves, do you challenge their self-putdowns?

* He says, “I’m a big idiot for saying that!” Your reply: “But you’re such a bright person and normally do things well so stop calling yourself names that you’re not!”

* She says over and over "What a pig I am for eating cake." You reply, “You have a lovely body and will work it off in the gym. It’s fine to have an eating splurge. It’s fun.”

Why not do that for you? I always thought I was different as I put myself down. Yet when I thought about it, I saw that when thinking or saying critical things about me, I feel worse. I’ve made a conscious effort to tell myself it’s okay to make mistakes. You can too!

Next time you goof, think of what you’d say if a good friend did the same thing. Would you chastise or reassure? Come on, you know if a friend breaks something, messes up his car, or says the wrong thing, you’d try to make him or her feel better, not name call. Yet we use harsh words on ourselves.

I used awful words when I made “bonehead” moves, as I called them. ☺ Then it hit me. I was trying to love myself yet I didn’t speak lovingly. As I paid attention, I saw that I was in the habit of silently yelling at myself for anything I did that wasn’t perfect. I was on auto-pilot with verbal self-abuse and knew I had to stop. That led to creating one of the best habits of my life. “Silly me!”

The word SILLY is kinder. I’ve made a habit of replacing bad words with SILLY. I’m no longer retarded or a dummy. I’m SILLY when I klutz out and SILLY when I break something. It took time to break habits of insulting myself when I GOOFed (another kinder word!) and get into the habit of using the word SILLY. Practicing it had had a profound affect on my outlook. In the past, I'd spill a glass of milk and say, "That was stupid." Or, I'd say something inappropriate and think, "What an idiot I am." When I realized I wasn't treating myself fairly and needed a way to show forgiveness, I got in the habit of using SILLY instead of negative words.

SILLY. It takes the bite out of stupid.

SILLY. I laugh when I use it instead of calling myself retarded. If I use a harsher word, I quickly replace it with SILLY. I equate SILLY with self-forgiveness and a desire to be kind to myself. Every time I call myself SILLY, it reinforces my self-acceptance. It took about 2 years to make SILLY a mostly automatic habit. Until then, I’d say a derogatory word but immediately replace it with SILLY. “That was stupid, no silly.” I still smile when I use it. It’s instant self-forgiveness! No matter what I do wrong, I call myself silly and smile. This habit is VERY loving!

When you automatically use critical words on yourself, it hurts each time and reinforces lower self-esteem.

It’s hard to love yourself if you think you’re an idiot like I did. Consciously replacing self-criticism with SILLY helps you see how much you berate yourself. Using SILLY can help you focus on being nicer to YOU. Now I’m just a silly girl who sometimes GOOFS up but likes herself more, instead of an idiot who screws up too much and hates herself for it. This consciousness makes me act kinder in other areas.

The more you fall in love with yourself, the less you’ll ALLOW self-insults. The less you put yourself down, the more you’ll feel self-love. Pay attention to your reaction when you GOOF. Adopt a habit of instant forgiveness with kinder responses. Calling yourself an idiot for saying the wrong thing to your boss, a klutz for spilling ketchup, a fool to believe someone you trusted, stupid for forgetting something, lowers self-confidence, diminishes self-love, and plain old isn’t nice. Do it only if you want bad self-esteem. Otherwise, label yourself as SILLY.

Mistakes can be seen as personal boners—or lessons. Self-recrimination wastes energy. Forgiving and moving is loving. When you GOOF, do what you can to rectify mistakes and move on. Once you can forgive yourself, it’s easier to forgive others. So, be a very silly person and smile more! Using it also says, “I forgive me for being human.”

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

Self-Empowerment Busters

You’ve heard old stereotypes but some are still valid. Not for everyone. But, though I hate them, stereotypes are widespread enough to address. I’m not a typical female and hate getting lumped in with some of the annoying things chicks do. Unlike stereotypes, I LOVE my space and my emotional responses are limited. Over the years I’ve been told I think more like a guy. Hmmmm.. My response is that I’ve just broken out of stereotypes and am blessed to have learned a lot of the best qualities from both sexes.

Women tend to have more overt self-esteem busters—not having a guy, seeing herself as too fat, feeling taken for granted, etc. They busted me for years! Overwhelming needs to please can diminish how you perceive your value. Fear of being alone can push you to hunt and settle for a partner. But the fairy tale myth bursts quickly if you finally get what you thought you had to have and are still not happy. In fairy tales, the frog turns into a prince when he’s kissed. In real life, you marry the frog with lots of money or great sex techniques and spend your life kissing a frog. That’s partly why the divorce rate is so high.

In my pre-self-empowerment days, I lived to find a boyfriend and when I had one, lived to please him so he’d stay. My distorted view said I was complete by having a man, so the focus was on staying complete by keeping him, with little concern for getting my needs satisfied. Most of my girlfriends agreed. The first boyfriend after my divorce was nuts. Yes, he had mental issues. But he was SOOOO hot! With a killer body. And he was fun when he wasn’t mentally abusing me with accusations that weren’t true as I apologized for things I didn’t do. Did I mention great sex? ☺

When I considered leaving this emotionally disturbed hunk, my friends were horrified—“Do you know what’s out there?” So I was encouraged to hang in with a hot whack job because he was better than nothing. Flying solo for a while never crossed our minds. Now I find it the best way to travel if I’m not with a guy who’s worth my time. I can do the many activities I’ve developed passion for, when and how I want. Men are now my cheesecake—a sweet dessert to my already delicious life. When you feel empowered on your own, life is beautiful. And did I mention the great solo sex? ☺

Men tend to be more covert about self-esteem busters—quietly stressing about not making enough money or assessing their bodies against other guys in the gym. And worrying over attributes they can’t change. Height and follicle challenged guys often struggle more. Of course I don’t mean all of them. But a higher percentage of those without a thick head of hair or tall build say they feel less self-assured.

Many women do gravitate to tall men with hair. But sadly, a large income can balance that! Many men still feel a duty to provide, especially with a woman who likes to spend. Guys have told me they feel like women look at them as wallets. It’s harder to love yourself when you feel like a wallet! Or get rejected if your wallet ain’t fat enough. Add to that concerns about the size and delivery of your penis and self-esteem goes into limbo.

The bottom line—both sexes want to feel empowered.

Many women question how I can be so happy when I’m not in a relationship. It’s because I love myself and have a great life that’s dependent on no one but me! Lots of folks don’t have that. That’s why I began Project Self-Empowerment. I plan to raise money, self-publish my book, How Do I Love Me, Let Me Count the Ways, and give it away for free in colleges, shelters, etc. and continue to do self-empowerment projects. I want to help people learn to love themselves more, through my writing and speaking.

You can’t get real self-esteem from a bank account or job, the gym or a romantic partner. It must come from inside you! Yet the media gives unfair and often destructive signals about what we need to have or do. Don’t listen to what people tell you that you need for happiness unless you can say—without crossing your fingers—that you love chasing outside factors for it. Be honest! I chased it all and got some but was never happy—except for fleeting moments of joy—until I looked inward and started to appreciate myself—without the stuff I was told I had to have.

I’m not thin, I’d like to make more money, each year I get older, and right now I’m single. Yet, I’m happy every day. Look for the good in you! You have lots to value! Are you a good person? Appreciate that! Hold your head high and allow yourself to be happy in your own skin.

Carrie Bradshaw Finally Got it Right!

Like many people, I watched Sex and the City and related to the Carrie Bradshaw character. She waffled between self-empowered and struggles with men. Her obsession with Big showed her vulnerability. That’s why I was so delighted with her last statement on the final episode:

“The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you YOU love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

A majority of people don’t have a good relationship with themselves. We have relationships with money, romantic partners, friends, even stuff we buy. These days, some people have better relationships with their tech toys—computers, Blackberrys, iPhones, etc.—than they have with people, no less themselves. Just today a woman said she stopped dating a guy who practically lived on line. Even his sex life was “satisfied” on porn sites. We’re becoming a society of intimacy disconnect.

YOU often come in last when relationships come to mind. Yet a relationship with yourself is most important. It sets a good foundation for all other relationships. I used to be who others wanted me to be. I bought into the hype of chasing what’s touted as a must have or must be. Nobody told me that I was important. It was all about everyone else.

Then I discovered the blessing of loving myself. The rest of my lovely life fell into place after that!

What does self-loving mean? Showing yourself kindness. Making an effort to do things that are comforting or enjoyable. Taking good care of your health is loving. So is treating yourself to a splurge. The more you treat yourself in ways that make you feel good, the more loving you feel toward YOU. This isn’t about self-absorption. It’s about a conscientious effort to take care of you. That’s self-love and it brings all sorts of goodies!

How many times do you go to a mirror and say “I love you?” Are you spoutin’ zeroes? I do it easily now. Falling in love with YOU means going beyond how you look, your age and how much money you make to appreciate the person YOU ARE and the values YOU’VE chosen. I’ll be giving tips for doing this in future posts. For now, become conscious of how loving—or not—you are to YOU.

I’ll repeat this quote:
“The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you YOU love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

When you—male or female—have a loving relationship with yourself, and value who you are as a unique individual who’s worthy of love and happiness, it’s harder to settle for a romantic partner who isn’t right for you. That really is just fabulous because it helps you wait to meet someone who does love you for the right reasons.

Since I loved Sex and the City so much, I was delighted to have the opportunity to be a guest on Candace Bushnell’s (creator of Sex and the City) radio show on Sirius. I’ve done many appearances but never did I do a whole hour live with a glass of wine that was never allowed to get low. We laughed, screamed and debated topics about relationships and being empowered. Since I’ve learned to love and appreciate me, blessings like this manifest regularly! That’s Candace and I in the photo.