Stoking Pride

I haven’t been able to run much lately. First we had a blizzard that made Central Park a slippery place to exercise. At first just walking through the streets meant wearing boots or heavy shoes, not sneakers. Just as the snow melted enough for me to get to the park, we had an intense cold spell, with gusty winds and temps in the teens and twenties. I’ve learned the hard way that if it goes much below 40, running is out. My lungs can’t handle all that deep breathing when it’s so cold.

Over the last few weeks I’ve done more power walking, despite the weather. But I missed my running, so I was delighted when I finally returned to the park recently when the temps went into the 40’s. I almost didn’t go as it had been a long day and I was tired. But, I knew it would rain the next day and then the weather would get much colder. As I entered the park I felt my legs protesting, since I hadn’t run in weeks. I began rationalizing that it would be okay to stop sooner but I kept going.

I also noticed I was going slower than usual as I got my running legs back, since I time myself and know where I am normally at different landmarks. As I said in my post, Everyone Passes Me When I Run, I go slower because I take smaller steps in ways that aren’t as hard on my knees. But on this run, I was even slower since I was out of practice. It made me a bit frustrated at first. But then I reminded myself that I just began running 4 years ago, when going 30 seconds without stopping was an accomplishment. Now I ran long stretches.

As I finished, slower than usual and slower than the other runners, I glowed with pride! I mean glowed!

I know that other people in my sneakers would be beating themselves up for not going faster. But I’m evolved enough to know that pride means feeling good about myself. And I did. My pride has NOTHING to do with anyone else’s accomplishments. It’s common to compare yourself to others and judge yourself by the light of what they do or have. That’s a good way to keep your self-esteem lower than necessary. Even though I was probably the slowest runner in Central Park that night, in my own mind I was awesome!

Pride at each baby step you take builds your confidence and stokes you to do more things to be proud of.

I could have lamented about how slow I was going as I ran and not seen the accomplishment of pushing myself to just finish. My brain argued with itself. With each hill I rationalized that it was okay if I wanted to cut the run short since it was my first time in a while. I was tired faster. And hungry. But I kept going, albeit slowly, with pride in persevering. It didn’t matter if I went slower than usual, I went!

Accomplishments are individual to you. What someone else does should not dampen pride in what you do.

I hear people downplaying things they did since someone they know did it better or more. Your promotion is something to be proud of, even if your sister got a bigger one! Your 5 pounds lost is a great accomplishment, even if your friend lost 10, or you want to lose 15 more. What matters is what YOU do now and the pride you feel about it. Not you being better than someone else! YOUR pride.

Pride is a wonderful motivator!

Thursday night it was 39 degrees when I finally came up for air from my computer at 5:30 and remembered I hoped to run. I listened to the weather forecast, which warned the temps would be dropping quickly as the wind picked up. That didn’t help motivate me to go to Central Park. I had a good excuse to skip the run, but, the weather forecast also said it would only be in the mid twenties for the next days and then only in the low to mid thirties. So if I didn’t go, it would be over a week till I could go again.

Remembering the pride I’d felt a few days earlier motivated me to go, despite the cold.

And I did! It was cold at first since I only wear a cotton tee and a fleece to run. It pushed me to go faster and I quickly warmed up. I gave myself permission to do a shorter run. But remembering this was the last time for a while AND the pride of finishing, pushed me to do a full one. As I ran the last leg out of Central Park, I had a huge smile from the pride I felt. This time I didn’t notice people passing me as I ran slower. There were very few runners braving the cold so that in itself made me proud. Thinking about it still makes me feel good!

Own whatever small accomplishment you have with pride—not because you surpassed someone else—just for having done something.

If you deny yourself pride, you also deny your self-esteem. As a DoorMat, I downplayed everything I did. Now I look for things to appreciate about me. Pride is definitely an important component for improving your self-esteem. That doesn’t mean bragging. Just own your good stuff! Create a pride list. Look for things you can feel proud of. Write them down and read them regularly to remind yourself of how wonderful you are.

DoorMats don’t allow themselves to appreciate their good qualities and accomplishments. But YOU can. Then you’ll reap the rewards of feeling good about you. Living outside of Doormatville is a wonderful place to be! Pride can help you get there.

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Law of Attraction in Action: Acceptance

This is post 71 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

I hear it all the time—“I said what I wanted and things didn’t work out that way. The Law of Attraction doesn’t work for me!” I used to say that myself when I didn’t have strong faith. I remember when I decided to move into Manhattan, I wasn’t sure where I wanted to live or how I’d earn a living. It was before I began to write books. So I decided to get an apartment share instead of my own place. It would give me the fluidity of being able to move when I figured out what I wanted to do.

The apartment I ended up in was in midtown on the east side, a far cry from the areas I thought were best for me. I didn’t know this neighborhood but needed a place and it was in my price range. Plus, I had a wonderful view of the Chrysler building (my favorite!) from my bedroom window. I had a phone line put in and settled down in what I realized was a fabulous apartment in a very convenient location. A month later, I told a friend how blessed I was to be so happy there.

That night my roommate said he had financial problems and had to move in 2 months. It felt like the bottom fell out of my world.

I thought I'd jinxed myself by sayin I was happy! I could either take over the lease and get a new roommate, or move. The first option meant giving up my freedom and also dealing with the hassle of finding a roommate. But I’d just gotten new business cards and paid for the phone line so I didn’t want to have to find another place. For weeks I walked around saying that the Universe didn’t want me to be happy. Other things began to go wrong.

That reinforced that I was doomed to be unhappy.

After wallowing in self-pity for a month, I caught myself and remembered that I’d used my spiritual power successfully before and could do it again. I reminded myself that everything happens for a reason and asked the Universe to show it to me. Right after, someone commented about how lucky I was to get the lease on a rent-stabilized apartment in my building at a good rent. Then I found the perfect roommate at the perfect time.

John Wooden said, “Things turn out best for people who make the best of the way things turn out.”

When you can accept that everything happens for a reason, you can wait for the reason and be certain it will be okay. The more accepting I became, the more I realized how much I love my apartment and it was VERY true that I was lucky to have the lease for a fabulous NYC apartment. Now I know that my neighborhood is the best one for me and I’m still in that apartment. The more I accepted how life unfolded, the more I knew I was led to it and my career took off. When my roommate moved, I didn’t replace her. Had my original roommate not moved when he did, I wouldn’t be living here on my own.

Acceptance of how your circumstances turn out illustrates trust that everything will be in your highest good.

It can take a while to find the good but you will if you EXPECT it, instead of lamenting about things going badly. It felt like everything I wanted turned to crap the first month after my roommate announced he was leaving. I attracted it by feeling like the Universe hated me. The more I began to accept whatever came my way, the less I’d get stressed. Eventually, I'd find good reasons for things not going as I wanted. The reason may take days or weeks or even years to materialize. But it always does.

When you put yourself into God/the Universe’s hands, you’re safe!

I was recently put to the test. I’ve been working on a project since the summer. It’s been a lot of work yet I was excited to be involved in it. There were many aspects I liked but the project stressed me out a lot. It was the first time I didn’t enjoy writing but I was determined to see it through. Then came an unexpected call that the project had been stopped. Thinking about losing the money I could have gotten gave me a sinking feeling—at first. Then I remembered how important it is to accept what happens.

Accepting circumstances you’re presented with and moving forward with a positive attitude attracts good stuff, including feeling happy instead of down or stressed.

When I hung up, I allowed myself to process what had happened. It was terrible on the one hand so I decided to come up with 5 good things from having the project dropped. 1. The stress that had been like a cloud over me for months lifted. 2. I no longer had to write in a way that wasn’t my style. 3. I have another project because someone from this one recommended me, and it’s one I love. 4. I’ll have time to write the book I’ve been wanting to write but didn’t have time for.

5. I’m free! I had meetings scheduled around the project and felt tied down to stay in NY when I want to take a trip. Now I can!

I made the best of losing the project within minutes of getting the news. Those 5 reasons I wrote down got me excited. And happy. I KNEW it was for my highest good and was ready to move on in acceptance and faith that something better would take its place. I truly believe that God knew I wasn’t happy doing the project and orchestrated the reasons for it being canceled. When I opened my emails right after there was an insight waiting for me by Frances Willard:

“The world is wide, and I will not waste my life in friction when it could be turned into momentum.”

Negativity about my situation would have created that friction. Acceptance set me free to feel happy about it. We all have choices: 1) let something that falls through or doesn’t go how you want or doesn’t materialize at all, create negative emotions that don’t feel good and send a negative message that the Law of Attraction will pick up on.

OR, 2) move on and find the positives.

Finding the positives feels so much better and attracts good energy. Dwelling on why you’re hurt or angry or sad or depressed attracts more of those emotions. When you accept your outcomes and move forward with positive anticipation to find the reasons, you’ll attract something good from the situation since you expect to.

I didn’t tell anyone what happened since the likely reaction would be commiseration, which I don’t need. Most people wouldn’t get that but by the end of the day I was celebrating my 5 reasons. It felt like a big weight had lifted. Of course there are things that I don’t like about what happened but I don’t dwell on them since it’s over and I don’t want to think about anything negative!

Next time something doesn’t work out as hoped for or it goes wrong, write down 5 good things that could come of it so the Law of Attraction can help in a positive way.

Adversity can teach you if you don’t let it get you down. I’m still rejoicing over the turn in my circumstances and looking forward to finding a happy new direction. Close one door and another one (or 2 or 3 open)! I'm awaiting them with joyous anticipation!

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Anger at Things We Can’t Control

A few weeks ago, I wrote about Negative Blips in my Law of Attraction in Action series. Someone wrote and asked how to handle anger at things you can’t control. There’s so much poverty, brutality, hunger, violence, discrimination, etc. going on around the world. Watching the news and seeing or hearing about mass murders and all the other horrible occurrences and inequities can make your blood boil. It does mine. But these things can hurt you if you let them. The earthquake in Haiti can knock the faith out of you if you let it.

It’s important to put what you can and can’t do into perspective, and try to focus on what you CAN do.

There’s a lot of negatives and injustices. Feeling angry about terrible circumstances around the globe doesn’t solve the problem. It does keep you from feeling happy, and makes you feel helpless. You’re one person and as such can only do so much. My heart breaks every time I see a report from Haiti. At times I wish I were a doctor so I could volunteer to help there. And if I were a millionaire I’d send a lot more than I did. But I’m neither, and must live as who I am.

Wallowing in awful things being done to good people just means there’s one more person with a life that’s being hurt.

Life goes on. It’s hard to resolve anger at people suffering or being treated horribly or anything that focuses on misery. I live in NYC and had a lot of anger after 9/11. Every time I looked out my window and saw the smoke rising from what was the World Trade Center, I wished I could hurt the people who caused the loss of all those lives. It was also the loss of serenity for so many of us. For a long time my heart raced every time I heard a plane flying low. I still jump when I hear fireworks when I’m not expecting them.

But I must take care of me and not let anger at terrorists consume me. It keeps me stronger to do what I can as an individual to help others.

It’s easy to get angry at injustice and hard to put it into perspective. But we must, to keep our sanity and our positive emotions strong. Often the anger is a manifestation of frustration at not being able to do more. I still need to watch the Haiti reports but will eventually cool it or it will drive me mad that I can’t run down there with food, water and medicine. But I can’t, and must accept that without anger, just as you need to accept things that are out of your control.

Do the best you can for the cause that angers you.

Donate money. Volunteer in whatever capacity is appropriate. Join organizations that try to remedy what you can’t do alone. But don't immerse yourself too far in the suffering. Appreciate that what you do helps others and that’s enough to feel good. Getting angry at things that are out of your control serves no purpose other than making you feel bad. Personally, I like feeling good. And the better you feel, the more you energy you have to give to others.

Many times I’ve reminded myself of the saying, you can’t save the world but you can save a little piece of it.

One person can’t do it all but together we can do a lot. Every little bit helps. Look at the texting campaign to raise money for Haiti. If you text one of the numbers, you donate $10 that your cell phone company bills you for. The people who began this program knew that if you can afford to have a cell phone, you can afford ten bucks. You don’t need a credit card or to spend time doing it. Just text and it’s done!

Many people might think that 10 bucks won’t do much but they raised many millions when all the donations added up.

And they’ll continue to raise more millions since this is a long term effort to help Haiti and its people recover. For those of you who want to do something to help, here are some organizations that are helping and need donations. Don’t be put off if $50 is the lowest amount to check off andn you can't afford that. Look for “other” and give what you can. I’ve donated to several so I’m not making huge donations at any.

* American Red Cross is a no-brainer. They were in Haiti immediately with help.
* Oxfam is always quick to respond with help.
* Doctors without Borders sends the medical care so desperately needed.
* Clinton Bush Haiti Fund is run by former presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush.
* World Vision works to help the children.
* Caring House Project Foundation A few weeks ago I posted an interview with Frank McKinney, who talked about how he builds whole villages for people in Haiti. Many were destroyed during the earthquakes. Frank went down to Haiti and his team rescued people from the ruins. Now they need donations to help rebuild.

Don’t let terrible circumstances around the world bring you down or make you so angry you can’t let it go.

You owe it to yourself to stay strong and pursue your happiness. Put the bigger circumstances into perspective and make an effort to do something. A little is great too. When I heard a news report about how 70 people were rescued after 90+ hours of being buried, someone commented that it was a shame that ONLY 70 had been found, like it wasn’t great.

Every life saved is great! Ask the people and their families how great it was. Every person saved is a blessing. So is every small effort on your part. Feel GOOD about what you do and pray for the world. But don’t let terrible situations far from your life ruin your joy. It doesn’t help the situations but it does hurt you.

I can’t emphasize it enough—anger does you NO good! It probably will hurt you. Is that what you want?

If not, release your anger in positive ways by taking care of yourself and doing what you can for causes you feel strongly about. Trade anger for passion about doing your part.

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Law of Attraction in Action: What ifs?

This is post 70 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

I was very lucky that a Chinese massage center opened up in the summer down the block from me. Their specialty is pressure points for healing, including reflexology, which is my favorite. The real lucky part—they’re cheap! Dirt cheap for midtown Manhattan. And they offered a grand opening promotion that sweetens the deal even more—2 free massages if you get 10 by the end of February. I had eight and planned to get one last weekend. When I began getting the massages, I earmarked an envelope for massages. I kept the little card they sign when I get one and some extra cash in it. But when I went to get the envelope for my massage, I couldn’t find it.

I looked everywhere. It wasn’t where I normally put it or in my purse from last time. I looked everywhere I could imagine but no luck. My mind immediately began to think of what I could do if I didn’t find it. I didn’t want to lose the cash in it but especially didn’t want to lose proof of my previous massages so I could get 2 free ones. I considered begging for at least some credit since I always go to the same person and she knows me. But, luckily, I caught myself.

I HAD to find the envelope! Period! It had to be somewhere. So I changed my mindset from “What if I don’t find it?” to “It’s somewhere and I’ll find it.”

A common trigger for fear is the unknown. When you know something will happen, good or bad, you can prepare a response or solution. But when you aren’t sure of an outcome, your mind can conjure up some pretty scary situations. When I was a DoorMat, I always considered the worst-case scenario, and often acted on it. I’d experience the fear and stress that would occur if it did happen, which it usually didn’t.

Or, I’d use all my people pleasing ways to smooth over what might not have been a bad situation, just in case.

I thought that if I didn’t help friend A, she might stop spending so much time with me and I’d be lonely. If I didn’t put my plans aside to drive friend B to her doctor appointment, she might never help me if I needed it one day. If the doctor said there was a small chance my fever was something serious, I suffered with a serious disease until the results of tests came in and I was cleared. I never found out what would happen if I said no to a friend’s request since I always did what they wanted. Nor did I get a serious disease.

You can suffer the consequences of scenarios that never materialize when you project what negative things could happen.

Many people assume the worst when they don’t know the outcome. The more you think and act on negative “what ifs,” the more chance of attracting a negative outcome. Focusing on bad outcomes tells the Universe you expect the situation to end badly. Guess what that attracts? People come to me asking why things never work out for them. As they talk, I can hear the worst expectations in their words.

• “I never got___and now I have ____coming up and that will probably tank too.” Surprise! None of it worked out. Negatives are easy to attract. Assuming they will happen is a mental magnet.

• “I know I’ll need surgery and can’t afford to miss so much work so I’ll probably lose my job too.” All that aggravation and he didn’t need surgery. Yet the doctor found another health problem for him to “what if?” about. The stress he created with his "what ifs?"caused problems that made him lose his job, as he speculated happening.

• “I’m going to the tropics on vacation. I bet it will rain and ruin my trip.” She won the bet. Thinking it would rain ruined her anticipation and attracted the rain that ruined her trip! I always expect gorgeous weather in vacation and KNOW there is no way there will be rain. And I alwasy have sunshine!

When I work with someone, I engage in a conversation and listen to how they perceive their life and handle situations where the outcome can be positive or negative. Then I try to get them to focus on getting what they want, not what they’re scared of. It’s natural to go to the “what if” scenario if you’ve always done it. But “what iffing” it can be controlled!

The more you focus on a positive outcome, the better your chance of getting one.

Rather than seeing it as a flaw, consider “what iffing” as a habit you can stop or slow down if you CHOOSE to. When the desire to break this habit is there, it just takes self-awareness and time. And faith! I rarely go there anymore, since my faith keeps me expecting positives. Faith is the antidote for negative expectations. Practice really does solidify it.

The more you see the Law of Attraction work for you, the more you can talk yourself down from those pesky “what ifs?”

I found the envelope with my cash and the proof of my eight massages. First, I told myself there was NO option for NOT finding it. I HAD to find it. Logically, it had to be somewhere. I wouldn’t throw out an envelope with money in it. And it was NOT an option to lose the credit for the massages I’d gotten! I said that out loud, with force. Then I drowned the “what ifs” with an affirmation—“I have the envelope for my massage.”

I used a technique that works for me. I say, “Think like a Daylle.” Where might I leave it that’s odd but so like me.

Ah!!! I’d brought another envelope that I keep in the same spot with me a few days before in my backpack and it was still there. Maybe I’d accidentally brought the massage one with it and it was in my backpack too. Bingo! After a little digging, I found it. Had I not changed my thoughts, who knows when I might have noticed it at the bottom of my overstuffed backpack. I believe that my positive intention to find it led me to it. The “what iffing” would have distracted me.

George Schultz said, “The minute you start talking about what you are going to do if you lose, you have lost.”

Keep your thoughts on a winning track. If your tooth hurts, assume it’s something minor instead of “what iffing” a major, expensive problem. If your boss calls you in, assume it’s for something good, not to chastise you because you did something wrong. Do affirmations to reinforce the positive spin on what will happen. ALLOW yourself to attract the positive benefits of positive thoughts. Then, relax and enjoy all the good stuff you attract!

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Money Pigs

I was recently interviewed for Cosmopolitan magazine in the UK. The writer asked about how to deal with people who often put you in the position of paying for them or paying more than your fair share of a check. Some people take advantage of “nicer” friends. It’s a universal problem.

Do you loan money and don’t get it back but you feel funny asking for it?

We’ve been made to believe it’s uncomfortable and yucky to ask someone to repay borrowed money. Yet it’s the other person who should feel that way! Then there are people who let you pay for the cab in full, or put you on the spot to split an unbalanced dinner check or many other things where you end up paying way too much. When I was DoorMat, that was my M.O. I treated people to dinner and movies to avoid being alone. I loaned money to the same people who never paid me back.

People Pleasers think that they have to shell out money so people will like them. They’re afraid to alienate by saying no or setting money boundaries.

Money issues can create sticky problems. I had a few friends who hit me up for money regularly and made me feel bad when I asked for it later, acting like I was being cheap. What I realize now is they were just manipulating me to avoid repaying the loan. Because I was so insecure, I’d stop asking for a while. And, I’d loan more when asked. Money pigs know what to say to stop you from standing up to them. They use sweet talk and innuendos of you being cheap to diffuse any boundaries you try to set.

The need to please gives money pigs more opportunity to take advantage.

Do you know someone who always seems to be a little short on cash when you go out? Are you expected to kick in something for her dinner, movie, or cab and she forgets to return it. Do you get angry but still lend money. Eventually you’ll have so much resentment that it will take a toll on your health, your happiness and your relationship with the money pig.

Setting solid boundaries begins with deciding you’ve had enough of being someone’s human ATM.

People Pleasers worry about being unaccommodating. Accommodate you. Protect your money, unless you’re so rich you don’t mind subsidizing others. I told a client with this problem to bring just enough for herself when she went out with her money pig friend and advise her to find a cash machine or wash dishes if necessary! Nina * (not her real name) was nervous to do it but promised to try.

Ask yourself what scares you about not loaning money or kicking in for a friend in a one-sided subsidy.

Nina called to say that the money pig used the emergency money in her wallet when refused to give her financial aid. She couldn't believe her friend would let her pay to keep from spending that money. It's not your responsibility if someone doesn't bring enough. Warn a friend in advance that you know she runs short but you won't have extra, or you two can go somewhere cheaper. Be nice about it. Don’t complain about them making you pay. Just make it clear you want to only pay for yourself.

Explain that if your friend’s budget won’t cover where you plan to go, you’re happy to go somewhere less expensive.

Do you have money pig friends who always order extras yet expect to split the check equally? These oinkers manipulate friends to afford lots of drinks or appetizers. People Pleasers are embarrassed to speak up and end up paying too much. Nice Girls & Guys on Top won't subsidize them. I’d rather spend MY money on ME now! Ask yourself, "is it fair to expect me to pay for someone else’s food/drinks/cab fare on a regular basis? Without having it reciprocated—EVER!"

It is fabulously, deliciously, wonderfully empowering to stop money pigs in their tracks!

I had dinner with a friend who arrived early and had drinks and appetizers before I arrived. I had a salad and water. She had more drinks and side dishes with dinner. The $40 check had many items, so she said it was easier to just split it. I said it wasn’t complicated it was to subtract my $7 salad from the bill since the rest was hers. She was annoyed I didn't contribute to her tab. She'd done it before and I was prepared to only pay for mine! If a friend gets angry if you don't subsidize her, stop making plans. That's what I had to do.

Don't succumb to guilt. A friend who tries to mooch off of you should feel guilty.

My friend Joy always complained about her friend Karen. At dinner Karen ordered more drinks and expensive food than anyone—every time—then grabbed the check and divided it so everyone shared her tab. Joy didn't drink and ate light. Karen had steak. Joy paid over $20 more than her meal most times! She wanted to just pay for her order but hated looking cheap. Karen picked on those who protested, so everyone just paid. Joy wanted to avoid embarrassment. That’s ridiculous!

Money pigs should be embarrassed!

Before Karen joined us for dinner, I warned Joy to spell out in advance that I'd pay for just my own. Karen ordered extravagantly and insisted we split the check. I just gave my share, since I had only one dish and no drinks. She’d ordered $55 more than me! When Karen pulled the "I don't have enough money" card, I said she shouldn't order more than she could pay for. The restaurant didn't take credit cards, but I wouldn't relent and suggested she find an ATM or wash dishes. Joy covered her. Karen tried to make me feel guilty, but I said she should feel guilty.

If you’re called cheap for not splitting the check, ask what they call themselves for always expecting others to subsidize them.

On the other hand, don't be cheap and count pennies if it's a small difference or if sometimes you have more and sometimes the other person does does. I have friends I do split the check with since it isn’t unbalanced and they’re not money pigs. You can win the money pigs' game with these tips:

* Figure out what your share is before the check arrives. Have it ready and put it down saying, "This is what I owe." This is the BEST way and what I usually do. It puts the money pigs into the position to ask you for more money to cover them. And if they do, it gives you a better opening to question why you should pay for part of their tab.

* Ask for separate checks. I’m not comfortable with doing this but have found it useful when going out in a group. Usually most people are happy with this approach, especially if they want to pay with a credit card. It’s the money pigs that gripe!

* If someone says, "Let's split the check," say you'd prefer to just pay your share. I’ve ordered light to save money and say that if questioned. You do have that right!

If you feel uncomfortable standing up to money pigs, remind yourself it’s okay to only pay for what you ordered and you don’t owe the other person money. I now have a policy of not loaning money, with a few exceptions for people close to me who I trust (who don’t borrow most of the time). Explain this policy. It really can come between friends so it’s better not to loan money. When you set boundaries and stick to them, the money pigs go elsewhere. Oink to them!

When I was a DoorMat, I loaned and split checks so people would like me. Now I don’t care who doesn’t like me because I don’t share my cash! I like me and that's what matters most! Setting and keeping boundaries is empowering!

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Spirituality & the DoorMat

People ask why I post so much related to spirituality and the Law of Attraction. My blog is Lessons from a Recovering DoorMat, not one dedicated to spiritual issues. While I have learned many things over the years as I’ve grown into an empowered woman, I can honestly say that without my spiritual faith, I may never have even gotten a mile from DoorMatville.

Spiritual support enables the strongest level of self-empowerment because it helps alleviates fears that hold you back.

I’m not religious. I was actually an atheist for my life as a DoorMat. Saying God was unpleasant for me back then. I didn’t believe at all. I wished I could but I was so down on me that I couldn’t believe there was anything good to reach out for. As I began to feel a bit more empowered, I tested faith just a little and got results. So I tried a bit more and continued to reap the thoughts I put out.

During a tough time during which I struggled to make a big decision, a friend insisted I talk to God that night and ask for help. “God? There’s no such thing!” I said. But he pushed me to try anyway, even if I didn’t believe. That night I talked to what felt like the air. I explained I didn’t believe in God and was just doing this for Ron. Then I stated my dilemma and said I needed guidance. The next morning it all fell into place and I knew what to do.

It took me several more attempts to actually believe it wasn’t just coincidence that I got answers when I asked God for them.

Every time I asked for guidance, I got it. As I felt more supported, I took more risks. I began slowly and worked my way up to doing more and more for me. The more I did, the happier I became. The happier I became, the more I did for me. It became a delightful vicious cycle that fed my happiness, and need to keep doing things that made me happy. As my gratitude increased, so did my blessings. My world felt so nurturing and full.

DoorMats often feel alone, even with people around. Not knowing if they’re there because they care about YOU, OR, what you do for them, is a lonely feeling.

Knowing I had God’s support stopped that feeling. I was no longer alone. I had a wonderful spiritual support system and loved the feeling! This allowed me to leave all the comforts of my inexpensive living situation, blow off my sources of income, which brought me no joy, and move into Manhattan, without a job or income. “Somehow” I always got enough freelance work to pay my bills. And I felt confident enough to vow to do only things I felt passionate about to earn a living and never work for anyone again.

Honestly, I had no known skills when I did this. People told me it was too late to find a satisfying career. But I didn’t worry about what people thought anymore. I had God on my side!

My own thoughts, desires and beliefs were what mattered! So this is why spirituality is such an integral part of my Lessons from a Recovering DoorMat. As you build your faith, you too can take the steps to a happier, more fruitful life. I want you to be happy and satisfied like I am. That’s why I write this blog. I’m short on time but my blessings are so many that I want to share my lessons with as many people as I can and spread the blessings.

No matter where you are or what your circumstances, you can use your power to overcome obstacles and be happy.

Find your own spiritual path, whether it’s God or the Universe or whatever higher power feels right to you. The important things is having spiritual faith, from whatever avenue works. So, that’s why I have my Law of Attraction in Action series and emphasize the power you all can tap into. Spirituality is the power source for my self-empowerment. It can be yours to, if you just ask for support and watch your thoughts. I highly recommend it to you all.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

Law of Attraction in Action: Knowing

This is post 69 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

I was with my friend Lori last week when she couldn’t find her car keys. She’d put them into her jacket pocket when she went into a class but they weren’t there when she left. Someone must have accidentally picked them up. It was a mystery. I met up with her after. She got frantic and spoke of gloom and doom. While I warned her to stop, she kept saying she knew she wouldn’t find her keys. And guess what? They never turned up!

Expressing doubt that something will or won’t happen blocks it from happening or attracts what you don’t want.

When someone drove us to Lori’s house, she went on and on about how she hadn’t seen her spare keys in ages and was sure she wouldn’t find them. Hello! The Law of Attraction delivers on those thoughts. And they did. She searched her drawers, all the while affirming she wouldn’t find the spare keys. I warned her that the doubt she expressed would sabotage finding them but she kept saying I didn’t understand and she needed to rant. And the Universe sent her more to rant about.

Doubt says you don’t trust that you’ll get what you want. It’s hard to be faithful and doubtful at the same time.

Doubt is expressed in many ways. You don’t have to directly say, “I doubt it” for doubt to sabotage your desires. Saying “I hope so” expresses doubt. Often when someone is nervous that something important won’t work out, I insist that it will. Instead of agreeing with me, more commonly I hear “I hope so.” I state what they want and they express doubt by saying they hope it will happen instead of expressing a belief that it will. And then they wonder why they don’t get what they want.

Our power is in the KNOWING.

Feeling uneasy about what you want to happen shows doubt. I know how important situations can make you nervous. I’ve been there! It’s hard to not worry and doubt a good outcome when things look bad. My friend was terrified of the repercussions of losing her car keys and her logic made her think if she hadn’t found them easily, they just weren’t there. Emotions push our doubt buttons. You can push back if you’re aware and choose to stop the doubt! This is a CRITICAL concept to understand if you want to use the Law of Attraction more fully"

Our power is in the KNOWING.

I learned this when my book How to Please a Woman In & Out of Bed came out. All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise was still going strong and an author friend looked me in the eye and said I HAD TO get on Howard Stern. HAD TO! I felt her passion about it and KNEW I HAD TO get on the show. I didn’t hope or wish or dream or pray. I KNEW. I told people I’d be on Howard Stern within the next 3 weeks. I even announced it during a TV appearance. When I told the publisher’s publicist, she laughed and said it wouldn’t happen.

I just asked her to make sure Howard’s producer had a copy of my books and the Law of Attraction would do the rest.

She thought I was nuts! People I told I’d be on the show humored me like I was a mental case but I kept saying I’d be on Howard Stern within that 3 week period, with complete assurance, since I KNEW it. I needed to go on this show so I HAD TO get on. It was that simple. I never felt doubt. A week later, my publicist called and with wonderment, asked how I did it? Howard’s producer had called for me to be on the show. I told her God supported my thoughts. All I did was put it out that I KNEW I’d be on. A few days later I spent 35 commercial-free minutes chatting with Howard as he plugged my books with enthusiasm.

It was then that I recognized that our power is in the KNOWING.

KNOWING isn’t easy. You can just say you know you’re going to get something and try to stifle your doubts. You really have to know enough to trust the process to work. KNOWING comes as your faith gets stronger. First you need your foundation, which is built by practicing smaller acts of manifesting. For example, last night I was waiting for my train. Two lines ran on the same track. Mine ran less often. As I heard a train coming, I kept saying “uptown E.” “uptown E.” And it was! I do that effortless now but had to practice at the beginning. Each time it works, your ability to KNOW gets stronger.

KNOWING begins with learning to replace doubt with faith.

When you hear yourself getting doubtful, try to slow yourself down with deep breathing. Ask yourself, “Do I want to prove my doubts correct or get what I want?” If it’s the latter, do what you can to calm down. Saying affirmations does that for me. As I say them over and over, it reminds me that the Law of Attraction works when I let it, and I become more likely to let it. My faves are:

“I trust in the Universe to take care of me. All is well in my world.”
“Everything will work out fine. “

Ask for spiritual support to get over doubts. That’s how I deal with the real nerve wracking situations. Listen for the words you use. Are you hoping or knowing? The more you see it working, the stronger your KNOWING becomes. I KNOW you can all manifest a lot more good stuff than you currently do. When you put your own focus on KNOWING, you’ll begin to reap more.

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..

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Law of Attraction in Action: Planting Positive Seeds

This is post 68 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

Happy New Year to you all! I hope 2010 began on a very positive note for all of you. Today I want to encourage you to do some gardening for your life to up your chances for career opportunities, love, attracting good people, and other goodies to bloom in profusion this year.

I think of my life as a garden. It needs weeding, seeds planted, watering, and fertilizer to help it bloom in ways that I want. When you don’t tend your garden it gets out of control. When you don’t tend your thoughts and the seeds you plant, YOU feel out of control of your life. But you are--you're attracting the negative thought. When you do plant seeds for healthy blossoms and take care of them, your life blooms in a profusion of attracting many blessings.

It’s important to be careful not to allow weeds to grow in your garden of self: criticism, pessimism, negative thoughts, disrespect, doubt, guilt, bad habits, etc.

I don’t like to have weeds in my garden! When I lived in a house, I HATED weeding but knew it was necessary to keep my garden healthy. I’d go out with my tool for pulling them out and use weed killer where possible. For all the years I lived in my house, I’d grit my teeth and go to war on the weeds. I knew if I didn’t stay on top of them, they’d eventually take over my beautiful garden. Yet back then I was a DoorMat and allowed my garden of self to be overrun with mental weeds. Insecurity and low self-esteem does that. They multiplied and kept my garden from blooming. And they kept me very unhappy.

Mental weeds get out of control if they’re allowed to stay in your garden but you can stop them. Then it’s YOUR choice to keep them alive or cut them loose.

Some weeds are pretty on the surface and may actually have flowers, which makes it harder to feel a need to get rid of them. Dandelions are pretty yet they can take over a garden very fast and are hard to get rid of once their roots go deep in the soil. In life, people may sweet talk you, act sweet and innocent but not do you right. You may think you need a romantic partner even though you get hurt regularly--but he or she knows what to say or do to keep you hanging in. You may think you must stay in your job, even if your boss is disrespectful and takes advantage of making you work overtime for no extra money.

When you reach your limit with someone's bad behavior and they throw you a bone to make you stay, they're still weeds. You have to decide if you want weeds in your garden.

No matter how nice someone can be to you at times, it doesn't compensate for them hurting you or taking advantage of your kindness or messing with your head. When you let weeds stay and spread, they overpower everything. Mental weeds do that too. The longer you let them fester in your thoughts, the deeper their roots on your psyche and the stronger their hold on you. Each time you criticize yourself feeds self-criticism and starves self-esteem.

Negative thoughts and habits that you allow to prosper in your thoughts tell the Universe to help you support their affect on your outlook and what you receive.

Weed your garden so your own beauty can bloom! Awareness is a great weed controller. It helps you spot weeds (people who criticize you, bad habits, old messages, etc.) fast and eliminate them before they damage the blossoms of good self-esteem. Replace weeds with seeds of better habits and a happier outlook. Whether you want to improve your work or play life, plant whatever seeds you can to add to your life.

Seeds are doing something that could potentially create an opportunity.

Every time you send in your resume or make a call about something you’d like or network or take a class to improve a skill or get knowledge you can put to use after or make a new friend or let people know what you need, you create a potential opportunity. I send press releases when I have a new book, to many journalists. Each one is a seed I send out. Think about how seeds spread in the wind to gardens. It’s common for people to get a beautiful flower in their garden that they didn’t plant. The wind carries seeds from one garden to another. It’s the same with action seeds.

Every time you do something to advance or connect or let the world know what you’re doing or need, you give yourself another chance to bear the fruit of each seed.

The more seeds you plant, the more chances one will sprout. I sent Oprah a press kit a year before they called me to do the show. A producer held onto it and got it out when they were doing a show on people pleasing. The key to manifesting it to not get discouraged when seeds don’t sprout right away, which tells the Universe you don’t trust and puts a negative vibe on your seeds.

Expecting to see some blossoms gives you a better chance of something you need taking root.

Some seeds sprout quickly. Some need replanting if they don’t take at first. They need care, fertilizer (patience) and watering (love). Gardens require maintenance. Sometimes others try planting in my garden. These days I quickly identify the weeds quickly—those who bring me negative energy—and stay away from them. Those who care about me add colorful blooms - compliments, love, encouragement, positive ideas.

I have a wonderful resource you can take advantage of to learn tools for achieving much greater SUCCESS.

Darren Hardy, publisher of SUCCESS magazine, is offering a SUCCESS underwritten program called Designing the Best 10 Years of Your Life--Your Strategic Plan for Achieving Lifelong Goals. The gift? It’s free! If you sign up for his blog email updates, over 8 weeks he’ll guide you through the development of a comprehensive life plan complete with all of his proprietary documents, worksheets, video and audio material--everything provided in his previous $1,500 single-day workshop. The program and complete system with all the support materials will be given away for free.

I keep repeating this--it's FREE!

The program kicks off on Tuesday, January 5th, but anyone can join at any time. It’s a great blessing when such a smart, powerful man offers to give back. Check out his site and listen to the video he made that explains what he’s doing. I don’t usually promote stuff here but he offered it to my readers for free so I wanted to let you know about it.

So step out and tend your own garden. Use whatever tools you can to help it bloom.

I am the flower of my life. I clear weeds by letting go of old habits that keep me doing what I’d prefer not to, old messages that tell me I’m not good enough, old insecurities, and people who don’t make me feel good.. Then the best, most satisfying parts of me have more room to bloom. You can be a good little gardener and control the weeds of your garden and plant new seeds. You don’t need a green thumb! Loving yourself is the best tool! Plant as many seeds for what you want as possible. Then EXPECT them to grow so the Law of Attraction can add the fertilizer! ☺

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!