Tips, Tools and Perspective for Being More Empowered

Welcome to my self-empowerment blog--as seen in The Huffington Post Guide to Blogging! I used to be a wimp and never got taken seriously. When I became one of the first chicks to start a record label, I learned to navigate the male dominated music industry and earned respect, without raising my voice or getting overtly tough. I transferred those skills into all areas of life and now get what I want from most people. I'll share those lessons here by talking about my observations of situations and habits that hold both men and women back from being as empowered as possible. I'll also give tips for more effective communication, handling yourself with more confidence, and in general, how to come across as more serious--whether it's at work, dealing with an annoying phone company, your mother, a romantic partner and anyone else you want to feel more in control with. Everybody can use more tools for taking control of their lives, like in my latest book, Nice Girls Can Finish First (McGraw-Hill). Please subscribe if you'd like more!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

I’m Just Not That Into Him

There’s a popular book called, He’s Just Not that Into You. It came from a line used on Sex and the City as a lesson for women that guys may stick around but not give you what you really want or need because he’s just not that into you. I said something similar in my book, All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise. A guy may stick around because he gets good sex, or good home cooked meals, or he just hasn’t met anyone better. Some even like to nail a sugar momma! But he may not be emotionally invested. Men experience it too. Women stick around for the gifts, financial security, and to have a man who can complete her, at least for the moment.

Hit and run daters come in both sexes, but are more prevalent in guys, since many women will marry a guy she’s not that into, just to have financial security and to get married. If her biological clock is ticking, the odds are even greater for a woman to settle, just to have someone. I know of too many women who believe that settling is the reality of having a man. Men are much less likely to marry a woman they’re just not that into.

When He’s Just Not that Into You came out, women were in awe of this concept. I've been trying to explain it for many years. Women often ask me:

* Why doesn’t he call?
* Why doesn’t he keep his word?
* How can he sleep with me and then disappear for a while?
* Why does he let me clean and cook and spend time and then he holds back emotionally?
* And lots more along these lines.

Sometimes these situations occur if he's scared of falling in love with you and so he sabotages the relationship rather than face his feelings. More often, as the book says: He’s just not that into you. I’ve been saying this to women well before this book came out. But either way, you don’t have him emotionally. Men and women often have different agendas when they date. Women tend to look for a long-term relationship from the first date forward and analyze a man’s potential as a husband from the get-go. Men tend to go out to have fun and hope they can eventually have sex. They’re not as concerned with where this liaison will go after the first few dates.

There’s much more of an emphasis on finding a mate for women--"to feel complete." That makes many of us give having one too much importance.

As a DoorMat, I struggled to find a man who’d stay with me so I’d feel complete. Yes, I was desperate. Sadly, I encounter a lot of women with that mindset. It’s all about HIM and if HE is into you. Both sexes need to make themselves most important. Once I had a loving relationship with ME. I no longer made having a man a priority. I’d rather wait to meet someone who makes me consider it because he interests me so much, than to search for any breathing male who likes me and try to like him, like I used to do.

I don’t hear many women say, “I’m just not that into him.” But not settling for someone is key to being an empowered person.

I’ve met some nice guys lately who liked me. I tried, like I used to, to convince myself to accept a date but found myself making excuses. Friends couldn’t understand why I didn’t jump at the chance to go. “He’s a great catch.” “He makes a lot of money.” “Why not just go? You’ll have a free dinner.” And so on! They were even more confused when I said, “I’m just not that into him,” and responded with, “You don’t have to be into him to go out.” But I do! I value myself too much to endure time spent with someone I’m not into. And, I don’t need to use a man for a free dinner. I can feed myself!

No more settling! My time is too valuable to waste it with someone I’m just not into.


If you’re single and dating, pay attention to your reaction to someone you meet. Are you seeing him or her because there’s no one else, or you’re horny? In the past, I believed that someone was better than no one. Now that I value me, I want to be with a guy I find special, and worth my time. So I continue to confuse people who push me to pursue the “good catch” who likes me by saying, “I’m just not that into him.” I’m not a fisherman so I don’t need to catch anything. That makes finding a partner too important to the grand scheme of my life.

I’m happy, in love with my life and enjoy my own company and spending time with friends. Being whole on my own means I don’t need someone to complete me.

It's okay for both sexes to be "not that into ____." This concept isn't reserved for men. Become more into YOU. Enjoy doing things on your own like I do. Sometimes my friends complain I spend too much time on my own. After being dependent on having others to spend time with to not feel lonely, and having a guy to feel complete, I'm joyously enjoying all the things I love doing solo, no apologies. It's no longer what others think about me and my choices. It's what I think that matters!

When you can CHOOSE to be solo on a Saturday night because you’re just not that into him or her, your life is yours.

I’m willing to share with the RIGHT person, but until then, I’ll continue to assess whether each guy who asks me out is worth my time. DoorMat Daylle would never have believed it was possible to be happy without a man. Today, a man I'm into will add to my happiness, but I’m already happy on my own!

Give yourself a gift of love this weekend, whether you’re in a relationship or still solo.

If you're in a relationship, cut down on the material stuff and spend the weekend being loving to each other. When you can let go of the need to be in a relationship with a romantic partner and nurture your relationship with you, you’re in the best place to meet someone you won’t have to settle for, or to improve your current relationship. I wish you a HAPPY, loving, Valentine's Day, whether you're single or in a relationship!

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9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for this post....

Daylle Deanna Schwartz said...

My pleasure! : )

Gia said...

LOVE this Daylle! I needed to hear this. We do have choices. I'm going to try to change my thoughts about meeting men. I do usually wait to see if HE's into me. From now on I will decide if a guy is worth my time instead of worrying if I'm worth his.

Bob Tamoa said...

I wish more women would pick up this mentality! Almost every woman I know is trying to find a guy or get one to commit. It gets pathetic. They are into almost anyone who will stay. My sister's clock is ticking and her desire for a baby has made her desperate. Women need to read this!

Daylle Deanna Schwartz said...

Glad it helped you Gia!

You're so right Bob! Please spread the word.

Anonymous said...

What a great resource!

Daylle Deanna Schwartz said...

Glad it helped you!

Anonymous said...

Wow! My mom needs to read this! I'm 28 and I am dating a guy I'm not really into, but my mom keeps telling me that this is my chance, he's a great catch...... But I am not happy. I am doing this for her, not myself, and I am depressed.

Daylle Deanna Schwartz said...

Catch vs. Happy! Which do you want? I'd always go with happy. It's YOUR choice, not your mother's. she doesn't have to understand. ask her if she's happy that you're depressed! : )