Money Pigs

I was recently interviewed for Cosmopolitan magazine in the UK. The writer asked about how to deal with people who often put you in the position of paying for them or paying more than your fair share of a check. Some people take advantage of “nicer” friends. It’s a universal problem.

Do you loan money and don’t get it back but you feel funny asking for it?

We’ve been made to believe it’s uncomfortable and yucky to ask someone to repay borrowed money. Yet it’s the other person who should feel that way! Then there are people who let you pay for the cab in full, or put you on the spot to split an unbalanced dinner check or many other things where you end up paying way too much. When I was DoorMat, that was my M.O. I treated people to dinner and movies to avoid being alone. I loaned money to the same people who never paid me back.

People Pleasers think that they have to shell out money so people will like them. They’re afraid to alienate by saying no or setting money boundaries.

Money issues can create sticky problems. I had a few friends who hit me up for money regularly and made me feel bad when I asked for it later, acting like I was being cheap. What I realize now is they were just manipulating me to avoid repaying the loan. Because I was so insecure, I’d stop asking for a while. And, I’d loan more when asked. Money pigs know what to say to stop you from standing up to them. They use sweet talk and innuendos of you being cheap to diffuse any boundaries you try to set.

The need to please gives money pigs more opportunity to take advantage.

Do you know someone who always seems to be a little short on cash when you go out? Are you expected to kick in something for her dinner, movie, or cab and she forgets to return it. Do you get angry but still lend money. Eventually you’ll have so much resentment that it will take a toll on your health, your happiness and your relationship with the money pig.

Setting solid boundaries begins with deciding you’ve had enough of being someone’s human ATM.

People Pleasers worry about being unaccommodating. Accommodate you. Protect your money, unless you’re so rich you don’t mind subsidizing others. I told a client with this problem to bring just enough for herself when she went out with her money pig friend and advise her to find a cash machine or wash dishes if necessary! Nina * (not her real name) was nervous to do it but promised to try.

Ask yourself what scares you about not loaning money or kicking in for a friend in a one-sided subsidy.

Nina called to say that the money pig used the emergency money in her wallet when refused to give her financial aid. She couldn't believe her friend would let her pay to keep from spending that money. It's not your responsibility if someone doesn't bring enough. Warn a friend in advance that you know she runs short but you won't have extra, or you two can go somewhere cheaper. Be nice about it. Don’t complain about them making you pay. Just make it clear you want to only pay for yourself.

Explain that if your friend’s budget won’t cover where you plan to go, you’re happy to go somewhere less expensive.

Do you have money pig friends who always order extras yet expect to split the check equally? These oinkers manipulate friends to afford lots of drinks or appetizers. People Pleasers are embarrassed to speak up and end up paying too much. Nice Girls & Guys on Top won't subsidize them. I’d rather spend MY money on ME now! Ask yourself, "is it fair to expect me to pay for someone else’s food/drinks/cab fare on a regular basis? Without having it reciprocated—EVER!"

It is fabulously, deliciously, wonderfully empowering to stop money pigs in their tracks!

I had dinner with a friend who arrived early and had drinks and appetizers before I arrived. I had a salad and water. She had more drinks and side dishes with dinner. The $40 check had many items, so she said it was easier to just split it. I said it wasn’t complicated it was to subtract my $7 salad from the bill since the rest was hers. She was annoyed I didn't contribute to her tab. She'd done it before and I was prepared to only pay for mine! If a friend gets angry if you don't subsidize her, stop making plans. That's what I had to do.

Don't succumb to guilt. A friend who tries to mooch off of you should feel guilty.

My friend Joy always complained about her friend Karen. At dinner Karen ordered more drinks and expensive food than anyone—every time—then grabbed the check and divided it so everyone shared her tab. Joy didn't drink and ate light. Karen had steak. Joy paid over $20 more than her meal most times! She wanted to just pay for her order but hated looking cheap. Karen picked on those who protested, so everyone just paid. Joy wanted to avoid embarrassment. That’s ridiculous!

Money pigs should be embarrassed!

Before Karen joined us for dinner, I warned Joy to spell out in advance that I'd pay for just my own. Karen ordered extravagantly and insisted we split the check. I just gave my share, since I had only one dish and no drinks. She’d ordered $55 more than me! When Karen pulled the "I don't have enough money" card, I said she shouldn't order more than she could pay for. The restaurant didn't take credit cards, but I wouldn't relent and suggested she find an ATM or wash dishes. Joy covered her. Karen tried to make me feel guilty, but I said she should feel guilty.

If you’re called cheap for not splitting the check, ask what they call themselves for always expecting others to subsidize them.

On the other hand, don't be cheap and count pennies if it's a small difference or if sometimes you have more and sometimes the other person does does. I have friends I do split the check with since it isn’t unbalanced and they’re not money pigs. You can win the money pigs' game with these tips:

* Figure out what your share is before the check arrives. Have it ready and put it down saying, "This is what I owe." This is the BEST way and what I usually do. It puts the money pigs into the position to ask you for more money to cover them. And if they do, it gives you a better opening to question why you should pay for part of their tab.

* Ask for separate checks. I’m not comfortable with doing this but have found it useful when going out in a group. Usually most people are happy with this approach, especially if they want to pay with a credit card. It’s the money pigs that gripe!

* If someone says, "Let's split the check," say you'd prefer to just pay your share. I’ve ordered light to save money and say that if questioned. You do have that right!

If you feel uncomfortable standing up to money pigs, remind yourself it’s okay to only pay for what you ordered and you don’t owe the other person money. I now have a policy of not loaning money, with a few exceptions for people close to me who I trust (who don’t borrow most of the time). Explain this policy. It really can come between friends so it’s better not to loan money. When you set boundaries and stick to them, the money pigs go elsewhere. Oink to them!

When I was a DoorMat, I loaned and split checks so people would like me. Now I don’t care who doesn’t like me because I don’t share my cash! I like me and that's what matters most! Setting and keeping boundaries is empowering!

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