Downtime

You may have noticed my lack of posts this week. I was out of town on several days, some of it unexpected but necessary. As I began to load my laptop into my backpack to get some writing in on the train ride on Tuesday, I felt stressed. The thought of lugging a computer around with me all day as I ran around to several meetings seemed awful compared to maybe an hour of writing that I could get done in transit. So I chose to leave it home.

Then I made a bigger choice—to give myself a break from writing my next blog post until I had time. I have a project on my plate taking up a lot more time than I imagined it would but it must get done. As emails piled up I thought I wouldn’t find time to sleep. So I cut myself slack and allowed myself to wait for the weekend to resume my posts and answer any unessential emails. I apologize to those of you who wondered what happened to me.

Sometimes you need to give yourself a break—from pressure, from rushing, from living up to what others want from you, etc.

In my DoorMat days I’d have just sacrificed my own needs to accommodate others. I’d have worn myself out schlepping my laptop around with me to take advantage of any small window of time. Now I prefer to take care of me. It’s very important to honor me and my needs, just as you should honor yours. I do my best to honor my professional deadlines but also know my limits.

I recently learned that as many as 90% of visits to doctors are for stress-related symptoms. 90%!

That means we mainly make ourselves ill. That's a very lousy thought! But on the flip side, it means we have the power to avoid many health problems. Taking downtime is crucial for good health. You may not be able to let go of everything but t least postpone something, to take the pressure or stress off of your life.

Sometimes you even have to let someone down by canceling plans if it means your improved mental health! I do that if I must for my health.

Yesterday I turned the next round of my project in. I’ve already been given more that needs to be done. But, I decided I’m entitled to take the weekend off. So I’m not thinking about it right now and will do some of the other things I’ve put off. And, for my efforts on the project, I got word today that I’m getting a bonus! It was my priority and I finished it.

Downtime is essential for everyone! You must allow“me” time, specifically to do things for you.

That doesn’t just mean just catching up on chores. You have to relax—have some fun—spend time with people you care about—JUST BE! I love to just be. No agenda or commitments. I can go for a run, or not. Chill with a book in bed. Vege and watch movies. Or write my blog. I actually just got back from a fabulous massage, which I really needed. Now it’s raining and I’m staying in. I love to go to the Halloween parade here in NYC but not tonight. Rest is more important.

Today was mine and so it tonight and tomorrow. You must sometimes take your days too!

Pay attention to your stress level. What can you let go of, or at least postpone? Your health and sanity are worth it! I was always on edge when I lived in DoorMatville, juggling everyone else’s balls while I had none of my own to attend to my needs. Now I greatly appreciate loving myself enough to make ME a priority. It’s a loving place to be and keeps me from going to the doctor with stress related symptoms. Reduce your own stress if you feel it affecting your mood and your body. You’re worth it!

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Be YOU

I recently went to a school reunion and it showed me how far I’ve come. Everyone remembered me for the shy, quiet girl I was. There were people who I’d known all the way through college and beyond that I eventually lost touch with. It was a weird experience for me. I spent some time with people who were good friends when I was young and most hadn’t changed much.

You can get stuck in old habits and never grow as a person. These people has just gotten older.

From junior high school through college I had a friend name Shari. Toward the end of our school years she became fixated on status. She didn’t date Bob. She dated a dentist. Her whole identity was wrapped around WHAT she was and WHAT she dated and then married. I had a hard time with it, even when I had low self-esteem. We eventually lost touch. When I bumped into her a few years later, I asked how she was. “I’m a doctor’s wife!” she exclaimed. I asked if he had a name and if she had any sense of self left. She gave me a dazed look and I knew why we weren’t friends anymore.

Insecurity leads us to see ourselves by our relation to other people or what we do or what we think others want us to be.

I got married at 20. I didn’t think I should but we’d been together for 3 years and our parents pushed us to commit so marriage become my life track. I became a teacher because I was told that’s a good profession for a woman, though it was the last thing I wanted to do. My parents were proud of me for following what they saw as the norm for women.

DoorMats can’t say “no” or think for themselves and we can lose ourselves by being what others want!

I lost myself. I was someone else’s wife, daughter and teacher but had no idea who Daylle was. It was a sad time for me, beyond just being a DoorMat. The lifestyle I’d created had me living for everyone else. My whole identity revolved around what I did, not who I was. Being a Doormat, my need to please kept me stuck in that mode for years. As more time passed, I became more scared to find out who I was or to create an identity based on just me.

When your sense of self is dependent on who you are to others, you have no sense of self at all!

It felt like it was too late to try. I was resigned to be stuck in that mode. But after a series of events that made me feel less worthless and undeserving of a real life, I slowly dipped my toe into the water of exploration. The more I appreciated myself, the more I looked to find me. Unlike Shari, who’d looked for WHAT she could glom onto, I wasn’t seeking someone or a role. I just did what I was told. Finding me turned into a delightful adventure.

Coco Chanel said, "How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to be someone.”

Do you call yourself a business person or a great person? A writer or a happy being? A [whatever you do for a living] or a good soul? A wife or a smart chick? A CEO or passionate guy? Of course I'm a writer too, but it's not my identity, just a piece. My primary WHO is a spiritual woman who is passion driven in many areas, and a happy, talented chick.

Being a WHAT comes with pressure to fulfill a role. Being YOU means the sky is the limit for being happy and fulfilled. Coco Chanel walked to the beat of her own drum. By doing so, she created an empire inspired by her passion. Now that I know who Daylle is, I’m delighted with the knowledge. It gives me the power to create my own world, instead of living in the shadow of someone else’s.

When I saw Shari at the reunion, she was unhappy and bitter about her life. She'd spent all her energy getting a doctor to marry her and then years trying to make the marriage work. When she finally had what she thought she wanted, she faced the realization that her husband was a controlling, cold man. A doctor, yes. A good, loving husband, no. Far from it! At that point she was unprepared for what to do. Her whole goal in life—to be a doctor’s wife—crumbled into unhappiness.

When you lose yourself in being some else’s someone, you can lose touch with how to be happy.

Pay attention to WHO you are. Is it who you want to be or are you living for someone else. Are you doing what you do to please your mom or spouse, to impress friends or another superficial reason? Too much happiness is lost in trying too hard to be something, instead of someone you like and feel good being. When I left DoorMatville, I also shed the layers of my old identities and became a person in my own right. The happiness I feel is indescribable. If you can’t define WHO you are without a WHAT or someone else, work on it!

Being yourself is a great gift for YOU!

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Law of Attraction in Action: Being Flexible

This is post 58 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

It’s important to put out what you want to the Universe, and be clear about it. I’ve emphasized that in previous posts. But it’s also important to flexible about what you receive. If you’re focused on one very specific objective, you can miss out on some wonderful opportunities or situations that you couldn’t have imagined by thinking just one-way.

Being locked into something rigid leaves no room for the Universe to send you what’s for your highest good.

For example, if you decide that you want to work for a specific kind of company or only work in one area or for only a certain amount of money, the career opportunity of a lifetime may miss the Law of Attraction’s radar screen based on what message you send out. While it’s important to know what you want, it’s just as important to leave wiggle room for options you may not see when you try to manifest.

Leaving yourself open to what’s best for your highest good leads you to the best manifestations.

I lived in the suburbs before moving into Manhattan. When I decided to get an apartment here, I was sure I wanted to live on the upper Westside. It’s a cool neighborhood and I love going up there. I had over 2 months to find a place and went from one to another but nothing worked out. Apartments I wanted fell through. Mostly I found something wrong with every one I looked at. But I was fixated on a specific part of the upper Westside.

A guy at a service I was registered at suggested I open myself up to other areas. I refused and continued looking in my chosen neighborhood, wondering why no apartment felt right. But I kept trying. It got discouraging. And frustrating as the day I HAD TO move got closer. Then I realized that maybe I wasn’t meant to live where I was determined to and asked to be guided to the place that would be perfect for me. I got a call from a guy about an apartment in a neighborhood I’d never spent any time in and knew little about.

To show I was open to the best apartment for me, I went to look at it.

It was perfect! I never thought I could be so happy living in a big city since I’m really a country girl. But my spacious, bright apartment has made me happy I was flexible for many years! I’m in the heart of midtown, right by the subway that goes both to the east side and the west. Everyone is friendly. Had I stuck to my belief that I had to live on the upper Westside, I can’t imagine being as happy.

Flexibility tells the Universe that you trust it to send you what you need, and at the right time.

When you hold fast to exactly how you want something to manifest, it says that you trust your judgment more than God’s. Of course you should be clear about what you want. But it’s also good to add, “or whatever is best for my highest good.” My faith is so strong that I completely trust that the Universe will send the best possible situation and my thoughts allow it to happen.

Being rigid about what you want can attract what really might not be good for you or you may not get something you didn’t know you could have but would love.

Beth complained to me for a long time that she hated her job because of the people she worked with. There was a lot of tension between staff and she wasn’t treated with the respect she deserved. Each week left her more fed up and it began to take its toll on her health. I told her to get another job. She had been in the same place for so long she didn’t know where to go. She looked to transfer to another department but there were no openings. Then she heard about something a little different, and was told when it was available, she’d be strongly considered for the position.

Beth felt excited for the first time in ages and became set on this potential opportunity. Months passed and it still wasn't available. She lamented to me when I suggested looking elsewhere that this position seemed perfect for her and it was a miracle she even found out about it. But waiting indefinitely was taking its toll on her so I suggested she consider that maybe God had sent her the potential opportunity to show there were better jobs than she could envision on her own. I pushed her to start searching for them and put it into God’s hands!

“Please help me find the job that will give me the most satisfaction and contentment.”

She listened and ended up turning down the one she’d waited for when it did open up because an even better one manifested. Beth is still in awe that after so many years of being unhappy in her career, she’d found a way to put her skills to good use in a way that made her love going to work. If she hadn’t allowed herself to be flexible about what she attracted, she’d never have known about what she could do to earn a living.

Often you may not get what you thought you wanted and you do get what you didn’t ask for and later discover the wisdom of what the Universe helped you manifest—that you did get the best thing for you!

Set your intentions with an open mind. Be clear about what you want—a job you love, a romantic partner who makes you happy, the perfect place to live, all the abundance you need, etc. But don’t insist on the job being only in one place, the person having blue eyes or other speific features, the living space with a set floor plan, or the exact dollar amount. Let the Universe help you find what’s right for you.

Giving the Universe responsibility for attracting what is for your highest good brings you the best rewards. To this day, I’m still completely grateful for being led to the apartment I’m in now. When you really trust, you attract the fruits of that trust!

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series.

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Saying “Yes” to Spontaneity

I’ve always considered myself a spontaneous kind of girl. It sounds good to think I am! But lately I’ve been so immersed in writing books that I try to keep a tight schedule. Last minute invites were automatically turned down as my time was already planned. If my intention was to write, that was what I did. I realized that this spontaneous kind of girl had lost her spontaneity, and I didn’t like that!

Until this week…

It wasn’t planned, that’s for sure, but since last weekend I’ve been making up for lost spontaneous time. It began with a decision to do more to actively nurture myself. I knew I needed some spiritual and energy boosts. I’ve been tired lately trying to do too much in too little time. It’s kept me hibernating as I try to make my deadlines. And write the posts for this blog! I felt like I was losing part of me in the process and had to change that.

Last week I called the church where Louise Hay got her ministry. It’s not too far from my place and I wanted to know if they carried a book in their bookstore. “By chance,” the head minister answered. Everyone else had stepped out for a minute. He answered my question and then we had a nice chat about how much I’d learned about manifesting from the ministers there.

He mentioned the theme of this months Sunday lessons. It sounded interesting and he asked if I was coming.

Maybe, I said, though I was thinking, I hate to go out on Sunday morning, especially when it’s cold. That’s a day I laze around, catch up on emails, watch news shows and mindless ones on MTV, etc. I thought about it Saturday night and considered how nice it would be to go to the service. Nicer if I could go without having to get dressed and go outside to be there! I still considered it when I woke up Sunday. I decided my reasons for not going were lame. A good spiritual shot of inspiration would be good for me. So at the last minute, I went!

Spontaneously pushing yourself out of a lazy habit or automatic negative response can bring very positive rewards.

The service was wonderful and an extra treat was afterwards, we all got to speak individually to a practitioner. I really enjoyed that, after reveling in all the good energy during the service. People shook hands and greeted each other. Warmth abounded. I got motivated and left with a big smile and gratitude that I had made that spontaneous move.

Hmmmm…. Was the spontaneous kind of girl returning?

On Wednesday I went to a meeting for a committee I volunteer for. I had noon and 3:30 appointments so I was anxious to get back to my writing. But after the meeting, Jan Goldstoff, the publicist with the golden rolodex, asked me to have coffee with her. Though we’d been on the committee together for a year, we’d wanted to get to know each other better.

This wasn’t a good time for me but after hesitating, the newly resurrected spontaneous kind of girl agreed, and it was delightful.

Jan called me the next day just before 5PM to invite me to her ch’i kung class at 6. She raved about the teacher and insisted I’d really enjoy it. I was very tired and it was a miserable day. The weathermen used Nor'Easter in their forecast. The class was downtown. I couldn’t stop yawning. So I said maybe. But I didn’t want to leave my warm, dry apartment. Jan encouraged me. I thought about it. Since I’d vowed to do more to nurture my spirit and energy, I agreed to go, and had to hustle to get dressed, catch a train downtown and make it on time.

Sometimes you have to dig deep into self-love to stimulate your spontaneity.

I enjoyed my hour doing ch’i kung with instructor Paul Bloom. He walked us through gentle movements to relax, detoxify the body and increase energy. Ch’i kung is easy to do yet the benefits are many. I felt more relaxed and a bit more energized than the sleepy girl was when I left home. Jan and Paul were amazed that I’d spontaneously got dressed, jumped on the subway and came to the class with little notice. I left feeling revved that I’d done this to nurture me.

To enjoy life to the fullest, it’s important to be open to spontaneous activities. Otherwise, you can miss out on some of life’s wonderful blessings.

Today I came full circle. My actual first spontaneous move was when I saw a report on the news 2 weeks ago about Spa week in NY. This week many spas have a special price for select treatments. They showed someone getting a Thai massage at Erika Bloom Pilates Plus. I’ve always wanted one and without missing a beat, I called and made an appointment for today, with Brynne Billingsley, who I saw on TV.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………….

Brynne gave me one of the best massages I’ve ever had. I didn’t know exactly what Thai massage was and thought it was just a series of stretching but oh, it’s so much more. Brynne spent a lot of time working my energy lines on my legs, and worked my body from toes to head. Energy points, sore muscles, everything got attention. She’s small but very strong. I like a hard massage and that’s what I got. I could have asked her to go easy but know that the pressure that creates the pain will work its magic in my body after.

I thought about John Cougar Mellencamp’s “Hurts So Good!”

This week I became spontaneously nurturing from love—self-love! I needed to get refreshed and jumped at opportunities to do so. Next time you’re about to turn down an invitation or opportunity that you might benefit from but it’s last minute, think before you turn it down. Spontaneity brings many rewards. Doing things that are fun or nurturing increases smiles.

And smiles stimulate serotonin, which makes you feel good. So try being a bit more spontaneous. Find more reasons to smile. Give yourself some spiritual and energy boosts. Find ways to nurture you. When I was a DoorMat, I nurtured everyone but me. This is a whole other level of MUCH BETTER! Try it. Self-love grows when you give yourself attention. I know, because I used to hate myself and now that’s changed 1000% as I love myself more each day.

There’s nothing more glorious than loving yourself and self-nurturing helps get you there! If you have to be spontaneous to do that, it's well worth it!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

Law of Attraction in Action: Exorcising Mental Demons

This is post 57 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

We know the importance of putting out clear intentions about what you want or need. But, it’s not always as easy as knowing. Yes, you can give lip service about what you want but that doesn’t do the job if your conscious, or even your subconscious is screaming with doubts. People have told me they can’t manifest when they can’t get over their fear or uncertainty. But you can!

Even when your thoughts aren’t aligned for manifesting, you can ask for help and get what you need.

I understand that manifesting isn’t easy. While I write about it and use it a lot, I still encounter blocks of my own doing. Everyone does. There have been times that I was waiting for important career news and was scared it wouldn’t go my way. I’d be worried about getting it and even more worried that I was worried which would therefore keep me from attracting what I wanted.

Sometimes when it’s very important to get what you need, fear of something bad happening or not getting the essential outcome can cloud your intentions and send the wrong message.

For example, you may be waiting to hear back about if you got the umpteenth job you interviewed for. You need this one. It’s been hard not getting all the others. You have bills to pay and money is fading. So you HAVE TO get this job. But, the pressure takes your thoughts to a place of panic or assuming you won’t get this one either since all the others fell through. You may assume that this will deflect the Law of Attraction in the wrong direction and make you feel like it’s hopeless to manifest the job if you can get those demons out of your head. WRONG!

Instead of asking for the job or whatever else you need, ask for help getting over the negative feelings first.

In the past I’d get the negative feelings and succumb to acceptance that I probably wouldn’t get what I wanted, since things had fallen through before. It became my pattern, just as it can if you’re trying to get a job you desperately need. It can seem super hard to pull out of that mindset. It did for me until I learned to deal with what was happening in the moment—negative thoughts about what I hoped to manifest.

Now I apologize to God for doubting His support, explain that I do trust but am just scared since what I need is important, and ask for support in getting beyond those doubts.

I’ve had real conversations out loud, explaining that my faith is strong but I’m scared because____, don’t want to feel that way, do want to move past the doubts, so please help me manifest. Acknowledging it out loud helps put it into perspective and I begin to feel more empowered quickly. Then I keep saying thanks for understanding that even though I may sound a bit unsure, I truly believe I should get what my intention put out.

I often get signs that God is listening. Unexpected good things happen. You must be vigilant and open to accepting little things as signs.

Last week I had a setback with a book I’m writing. A bit of fear hit me as I worried the deal would fall through. I asked God for a sign that He heard me. When I got my mail later, there was a check for $300 from my insurance company, saying their expenses were lower than expected so here’s some money back! Hello! When does a profit making company send money back???

I still don’t understand why I got it, except that God orchestrated a mini-miracle to answer me.

When I tell people that, they laugh and tell me it’s my imagination. Maybe it is but when I prefer to see these kind of instances as God talking to me, my mental demons start to fade and my thoughts become more positive as I exalt in feeling God’s support. Imagination or not, it helps me get into a more manifesting frame of mind, so bring on the imagination incidents! They do the job! [FYI: No joke, as I wrote this, my lamp next to me went off for no reason but turned right back on. Hmmmm....]

Illness is a situation that can be especially scary and make it hard to manifest.

Someone close to me has—NO, had—cancer. He endured major surgery and then 4 weeks of chemo and radiation. It’s scary. We can’t lose him. Period! But yesterday I talked to his wife. Soon he’ll be getting a PET scan to see if they got it all. She’s nervous, which can’t be avoided. This is a life I’m talking about, not finding a job or romance. It’s hard not to get scared about losing your life partner.

But it’s okay to be scared. Actually, it’s normal. But you can still acknowledge it and ask for support in getting through the fear.

His wife wakes up during the night with thoughts about his cancer recurring. I told her to immediately say thanks for his good health. The demons can haunt her. I advised her to keep the word cancer out of her thoughts altogether. In a recent post called Positive Words I explained how you shouldn’t use negative words in your intentions. So instead of avowing that her husband is cancer-free, I advised she just affirm that his health gets better every day. Whenever the demons get into her head, ask for the strength to get past them and for support despite them.

As I keep putting out my intentions and acknowledging my fear, the more empowered I feel.

Next time you feel nervous about something you want, acknowledge that you can’t help feeling nervous, that you truly want to believe and do in most ways, and why you need what you’re asking for. Then ask for support in getting it, even with the doubts. As this begins to work, you’ll have less and less doubts to get in the way of getting what you want. Let the Law of Attraction help you exorcise your demons to get what you want.

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..

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Keeping Your Cool When You’re Heated

I’m astounded at how many times I’m out in public and hear someone yelling. Often it’s a romantic couple yelling at each other. People who have problems in a store yell at the cashier or manager. Motorists yell at other drivers. Parents yell at their children, who sometimes yell back at them. Most have something in common—frustration with something the person did or didn’t do and a need for resolution.

The trouble is, reacting with negative emotions rarely gets good resolution and can make the person less likely to play nicely with you.

Frustration leads us to behavior that can give you more reasons to be frustrated. If the super in your building doesn’t come to fix your leaky sink, it can make you angry. After all, you pay your rent and are entitled to service. You try asking again and get lip service but not actions. Each time you clean up water from your floor, you get angrier and more frustrated that you can’t get service. So you go look for the super, ready for a fight.

Letting your emotions explode into communication will get you much less than playing nicely.

Losing your cool with your super will probably just frustrate you more when you don't get the leak fixed since your attitude annoyed him. Speaking in a rational, friendly and firm tone, indicating you may have to go higher, but don't want to, can get him into your apartment. When I was a Doormat, I’d hold my feelings in and go along with most things, or just keep my mouth shut. But that didn’t mean it didn’t bother me. On the contrary, it bothered me on 2 levels: one that the person didn’t keep their word or acted poorly, and two, that I felt powerless to do something about it.

Feeling powerless can stoke frustration.

Eventually, my anger and frustration would reach a peak and I’d explode at someone, telling them what they’d done wrong and what I wanted. Yet that didn’t usually help. It wasn’t until I learned that addressing situations by speaking nicely, but firmly that I began to feel powerful. In my DoorMat days, my emotions controlled my responses. Now I control them, with a calm response said in a friendly but firm way.

Norman Vincent Peale said, "The cyclone derives its powers from a calm center. So does a person."

When I saw that quote, it got me thinking about hurricanes. When I pay attention to one being tracked, there’s often someone standing in a town being hit by one, yet the weather seems okay. They explain that the eye of the storm is over them, so they’re having a break. Not being science savvy, I’ve never understood how a storm packing 100 mile an hour winds and torrential rain can be calm in the middle. But it is.

In life as in weather, when we keep our inner emotions calm in the face of emotional situations, we keep our power and can control having a calm response that gets more.

I recently was waiting on line for service. The woman in front of me complained this was her third time trying to get what I was there for. She warned me I probably wouldn’t get it either. She described how she had raised her voice to them many times but they didn’t take her seriously and were uncooperative. She was there for one final confrontation. I was also frustrated by having to come in person for service but planned not to take it out on the service rep. I suggested she speak nicely but she insisted that would get her nowhere fast.

I refrained from pointing out that she had already gotten nowhere fast by raising her voice. So she she yelled at the rep again, and left in a huff of more frustration.

When I stepped up to the person who had caused this woman’s frustration, I smiled. She smiled back. I nicely explained my problem and asked how she could help me. She explained what she’d do. I firmly, but still in a friendly manner, explained why that wasn’t enough. The frustrated woman before me said she’d tried to get to a supervisor but they’d never called one.

I nicely asked to speak to someone else who could make what I was there for happen.

She asked me to wait and went to another office. When she returned, she’d spoken with a supervisor who had authorized her to give me what I wanted. I expressed my appreciation profusely. The whole encounter felt so much better than getting emotional and letting her feel my wrath like the other woman did. That makes people not want to bother going out of their way for you. She then thanked me for the way I handled it and gave me her card in case I had another problem.

It’s not easy to stay calm when you’re angry or frustrated, but it’s what you must strive to do. That's how you get people to hear you most objectively or get their cooperation.

Whether it’s dealing with people in my personal or professional life, with service people or whoever else I might need to address a problem with, I do affirmations about getting what I need to calm me down. Then I watch WHAT I say and HOW I say it.

· Will I began with an accusation or other attack or set a friendly tone with a “hello, how are you?”

· Will I tell her how angry I am, letting the emotion come out, or just state the problem?

· Will I go on and on about how angry I am or be concise and then ask how they can resolve it?

· Am I angry, antagonist or smiling and friendly?

· Am I using nasty or insulting words or just making a point?

Controlling your response can lead to getting what you need much more often than going off on someone. Staying calm in the face of angry situations makes you a better person too. And it’s a logical choice since you get so much more. Be conscious of how you respond to frustration or anger. Keep the eye of your storm calm and you’ll get more and feel much better too!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

Insight into Mindfulness Meditation

I'm very happy to have Dr. Ronald Alexander as my guest blogger. I often have a hard time sitting still and committing time to meditate. But when I do, it makes me feel so good! Below Dr. Alexander shares some basic info about mindfulness meditation, which is adapted from his new book, Wise Mind, Open Mind: Finding Purpose and Meaning in Times of Crisis, Loss, and Change (New Harbinger Publications, September 2009). If you've ever wanted to try this practice, you'll get some really good tips from this article and even more from his book.

The Basics of Mindfulness Meditation

Ronald Alexander, Ph.D.

Mindfulness meditation practice is a commitment that many resist, but it requires far less time and effort than most people realize. The time of day isn’t important; the regular practice is. Ideally, it should be practiced for 20 to 30 minutes twice a day in a quiet room with a closed door with no distractions. But it’s better to start doing 10 minutes once a day than aiming for the overall goal and then feeling overwhelmed by it and falling short. Use a timer to ensure that you meditate for as long as you planned. Aim for meditating at the same time in the same quiet and serene place, such as sitting down in your office chair for the first time in the morning, or sitting in your car, getting ready to drive home from the gym after your daily workout. Again, ideally choose a time when distractions will be minimal.

How to Perform Mindfulness Meditation
Here are the six steps of mindfulness meditation:

Step 1. Get into a comfortable posture. Sit crossed legged on a meditation cushion or with your legs extended straight out with your back against a wall for support, or sit in a chair with a firm back, keeping your feet on the floor and your spine straight, and tucking in your chin slightly to keep your vertebrae aligned properly. If you have any back, pelvic, or neck pain, back support is essential. In fact, you may want to lie down, with your head propped up at a 45-degree angle. If you’re sitting up, close your eyes, but if you’re lying down, keep your eyes half open to prevent yourself from falling asleep.

Step 2: Focus your eyes. With your eyes closed, focus them on one spot, ideally toward the tip of your nose or on your “third eye” (the chakra, or energy point in the middle of the forehead). Alternatively, look straight ahead at the insides of your eyelids or allow your eyeballs to roll upward. Whichever eye position you choose, make certain it feels comfortable and that your eye muscles are relaxed. If you have heightened anxiety or fears, you may want to open your eyes halfway or even fully, looking straight ahead at a spot on the wall or out the window at a stationary object, in order to ease those feelings. Another idea is to close your eyes and imagine being in a place where you always feel relaxed, save and secure.

Step 3: Pay attention to your breathing. With your eyes closed or halfway open, fixating them on one spot, breathe in with awareness of your lungs and your diaphragm. As you inhale, say to yourself, “In.” Exhale from your lungs and then your abdomen, saying to yourself, “Out.” Do this each time you breathe. You can also use the words “rising” and “falling away,” or “comfort” and “letting go,” or “surrender” and “release.”

Step 4: Place your hands in a relaxing and energizing mudra (hand position). In Buddhism, the mudra, or position of the hands, in meditation is important, because it affects the flow of energy throughout the body. There are three traditional mudras. Probably the most popular one is to touch the thumb and first finger to each other, and then hold your palms up, with your other fingers relaxed and straight, and rest the backs of your hands on your thighs. I describe two other ones common in Zen Buddhism in my book, Wise Mind Open Mind.

Step 5: Be aware. As you breathe in and out, mentally note the thoughts, feelings, sounds, tastes, smells, and physical sensations (such as itching, temperature, pain or discomfort, or feelings of heaviness and lightness) that you experience. Don’t try to analyze any of what you’re noting. Simply be present, open, alert, and watchful as you allow the witnessing mind to emerge. Observe the quality of the sensation if it has one, and categorize it: “heaviness in shoulders,” “bitter taste,” “lawn mower outside,” “painful thought about son,” and so on. Don’t explore this thought or feeling unless it occurs more than twice, in which case, ask if you need to deal with it now or after your meditation. If it needs to be addressed right away, allow yourself to be present with that sensation, feeling, or repetitive thought without judgment as it fades away or lessens in intensity. Afterwards write about it in a mindfulness journal (described in Chapter three of Wise Mind Open Mind), contemplate it or talk to a friend or counselor about it.

Step 6: Slowly come back into ordinary consciousness. Take three long, slow, deep breaths, breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. Rub the palms of your hands together to generate heat, and place the palms over your eyes and face. Open your eyes and slowly lift your hands away from your face as you return to awareness. Inhale deeply and stretch your arms up over your head, with your hands interlocked. Bend slowly to the right and then to the left. Do this several times, and then bend forward toward your feet. Reflect on whether anything of importance revealed itself to you that you wish to write about in your mindfulness journal, think about, or attend to.

If you’re anticipating a stressful situation in which it will be challenging to remain nonreactive, or you’ll need to be able to access your creativity more than usual because you’re dealing with a perplexing problem, try to schedule a mindfulness meditation immediately beforehand. I’ve had clients meditate before attending a late afternoon meeting in order to refresh themselves creatively, and before a phone conversation with their ex-spouse, and they’ve reported that just five minutes spent in mindfulness practice makes a dramatic difference in their ability to remain calm, focused, and nonreactive.
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Dr. Ronald Alexander, Ph.D. is the author of the just released book, Wise Mind, Open Mind: Finding Purpose and Meaning in Times of Crisis, Loss, and Change. He is the director of the OpenMind Training® Institute, practices mindfulness-based mind-body psychotherapy and leadership coaching in Santa Monica, CA, for individuals and corporate clients. He has taught personal and clinical training groups for professionals in Integral Psychotherapy, Ericksonian mind-body healing therapies, mindfulness meditation, and Buddhist psychology nationally and internationally since 1970. Check him out!

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Law of Attraction in Action: Positive Spirits & Reactions

This is post 56 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

How do you respond to annoying incidents? Do you let your job get to you and other people can feel it by your behavior? When someone makes a mistake, do you bristle and growl at them? Does your job get to you so much that it shows in how you speak to others?

An irritable reaction to circumstances can attract irritable spirits from others.

I admit that I do this. Things take their toll, especially if we’re stressed. I might be in a hurry and someone gets in my way and I want to smack them. While I don’t, I sometimes smack them with a look or sound. Then I feel irritable. And the person who got in my way may feel irritable from my nasty look or comment. Last week, 2 incidents made me more conscious of how we affect others and why it’s better to be positive about negative stuff.

Our moods can be like a virus that spreads from person to person.

Last week I called my health insurance company with a problem about billing. I’m used to a fairly low energy person answering. Instead, the woman was perky and friendly. I was actually taken aback and said responded that it was so nice to hear a cheerful person. She said that it was better to feel happy than down. Her voice was like a song compared to others I've spoken to. The rest of our interaction put me into a fantastic mood and I gave her back the same good energy. I was a bit tired when I called but hung up feeling better.

Positive energy attracts positive energy.

I am usually in a reasonably good mood and became more conscious of how it affects those around me. I’m always friendly to the people who work in my building and they’re very friendly and helpful to me. When I first moved in, I thought they were that way to everyone, but noticed they were more low-key with many of the tenants. One person would get a formal hello and then I’d come in behind them and say hi and get a big smile, because my energy attracts it.

Consciousness about how you treat others, and making an effort to treat them with good vibes, brings good vibes back to you.

Not long after my call to the friendly woman, I was riding on the subway with a lot of bags. When I got up to get off, a woman came toward me. I didn’t see her in time to avoid knocking my bags into her. I immediately said, “I’m sorry” in a sincere way and was delighted when she gave me a big smile and said, “no problem. It was an accident.” I’ve growled at people for doing that to me and probably put them into a bad mood. Yet this woman’s graciousness brought a smile to my face.

Being on the receiving end of good energy has shown me how important it is to be friendly and courteous to others, and keep a bad mood in check.

Graciousness can be contagious. And can spread it to others. When I give good cheer on the phone, I almost always get it back from that person, and others. If I force a good attitude when someone accidentally does something annoying, it make what happened easier to deal with and often attracts a smile from the other person. Being on the receiving end of it was a great reinforcement for treating people with a pleasant demeanor and excusing faults.

Calling a customer service person with a friendly attitude can attract a lot better service.

Any time you show friendliness makes YOU feel better. Be aware of your response. Grouchy doesn’t feel good. Growling can get growls in return. Graciousness gives you the best chance of attracting it back. It also feels better to give out. The more you consciously do it, the more it will become a natural part of your demeanor. A good demeanor towards others will truly make you feel happier. It sure has for me!

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..

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Living "Aimlessly"

I confess, I watch The Hills. Usually on reruns or on the computer. But I watch it and find it fascinating. I think it takes me away from reality for a while. Even if you don’t watch it, you still might have heard of Lauren Conrad. Her career as a reality TV star has expanded and she’s on many TV shows and often in celebrity news.
Usually I don’t learn life lessons on The Hills. But I did on the last episode last season.

It was Lauren Conrad’s last show. She went in to talk to her boss, Kelly Cutrone, about trying to figure out what she should do next with her career. Lauren knew what she’d done already but didn’t know where to go next. Kelly suggested “je voudrais flâner,” a French expression for "to walk around aimlessly with out a plan."

Most of us plan, or even over-plan our existence, since planning gives us control.

Or so we think, anyway. When you plan, you know what’s probably going to happen. You take a certain job at what you think is the right time, get married for the same reasons, or whatever else you map out as your life. "To walk around aimlessly with out a plan" can seem scary. Uncertain. Irresponsible. Downright crazy to some.

Yet walking around aimlessly with out a plan can help you see what there is in life.

It helps you stop to smell the rose, to use a cliché expression. And you get to see what possibilities there are, which you’re free to explore since you have no plan they’d have to fit in to. I’m sure that Lauren is financially set enough to take time off from working if she wanted to. More of us aren’t. But you can still walk around aimlessly in every aspect of your life but what pays the rent.

Think about how you’d feel with a blank day planner, at least for a week. Less pressure? A sense of loss? Or giddy at the idea of time, like I feel.

Fear of being lonely can make that an awful thought, but it’s really fun to kind of wing your time. A whole weekend with no plans can lead to finding fun things to do at the last minute that you’ve never thought to do before. It can show you that your own company can be fun. You might meet someone new in your aimless travels. And you might discover something you’re passionate about that can lead to a career change.

Being locked into a one-way life may give you control, but it’s control of things that can limit you. Faith is the antidote!

Faith allows you to try living at least some of the time without a plan. When you trust that you’ll be guided to what’s best for your highest good, you can fly by the seat of your pants, at least a little. If you never do, you can miss out on opportunities that can be life-changing or make you happier than what you planned to have. I thought about “je voudrais flâner” and realized it’s how I’ve lived for years.

Allowing yourself to be guided, instead of always trying to guide your destiny, makes for the happiest life! And, the least disappointment, since you can’t have problems following your plan if you have none. ☺

I drive some people crazy when I go on a trip. I might know the city or country I’m heading to but when they ask what I’ll do I say I’ll find it when I get there. Of course I get some info and may have things I want to see. But no plans. I hate taking tours or doing what I’m supposed to do in a city. I like to travel solo so I can figure out what to do as it comes to me from being there.

Living “je voudrais flâner” teaches you the benefits of being spontaneous. It can lead you to things you didn’t know existed.

I do this with my career too. I’ve no day job since I left DoorMatville. Before that my life was methodically planned. Now I have no steady income or plan for what I’m going to write. As I finished up my last book, I looked up and asked for something good to come. It did! I’m now writing a book that I could have never planned to write, but that is an amazing opportunity that I love doing. Had I planned more, my time wouldn’t have been wide-open to do it.

I have NO DOUBT that God leads my path to live “je voudrais flâner.”

Try to leave some time—on a weekend, after work, etc.—unplanned. Be spontaneous. Live in the moment and let yourself be guided. Ask to be. I always look up and ask for what I want, or for my next step, or a direction to walk in. I’m always led somewhere good. Ya never know where it can lead!!

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