Tips, Tools and Perspective for Being More Empowered

Welcome to my self-empowerment blog--as seen in The Huffington Post Guide to Blogging! I used to be a wimp and never got taken seriously. When I became one of the first chicks to start a record label, I learned to navigate the male dominated music industry and earned respect, without raising my voice or getting overtly tough. I transferred those skills into all areas of life and now get what I want from most people. I'll share those lessons here by talking about my observations of situations and habits that hold both men and women back from being as empowered as possible. I'll also give tips for more effective communication, handling yourself with more confidence, and in general, how to come across as more serious--whether it's at work, dealing with an annoying phone company, your mother, a romantic partner and anyone else you want to feel more in control with. Everybody can use more tools for taking control of their lives, like in my latest book, Nice Girls Can Finish First (McGraw-Hill). Please subscribe if you'd like more!

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Law of Attraction in Action: Giving

This is post 44 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

When I was a DoorMat, I gave A LOT! I mean A LOT! If someone needed something and I could do it, I did. I loaned money that to this day hasn’t been returned, bought gifts, and shared anything I had. And what did I get back? Very little! People were scarce when I needed help. My birthday was forgotten. Nobody treat me to dinners or movies, though I treated regularly. Looking back, I gave to a big black hole of no return.

It seemed like the Law of Attraction gave me nothing for all my giving.

That’s when I had no faith. Many people who are people pleasers like I was lament about why they get so little when they give so much. It hurts to feel unappreciated. That reinforced my feeling that I was unworthy of receiving. Yet I continued to give and give without any reciprocation. I was scared people wouldn’t like me if I didn’t. But deep down I knew they didn’t like ME, they liked what I gave them. I didn’t like me either, so I accepted giving without receiving.

The Law of Attraction WAS working. When you continue to give without receiving, even though you hate it, you attract more of that.

My actions showed that I gave a lot but I accepted not receiving. I attracted more giving without receiving by continuing to give without receiving! You can say you want more all you want but if your head doesn’t believe you should get it, you won’t get more. People pleasers often give out of fear, like I did. Being alone was a scary thought. I treated people so I wouldn’t have to eat alone or sit in a movie theater by myself. But I’ve learned!

There’s great joy in doing things on your own, once you get over the fear. It’s a lot better than paying people to be with you.

I love my own company now. Restaurants are now a place to take my laptop and write uninterrupted or catch up on reading. I can go to a movie when I’m in the mood, not when someone else wants to go. I have a nice balance of doing things with REAL friends and enjoying time on my own. At first I stopped giving altogether. I was angry and felt it wasn’t worth it. But I still got nothing!

Now I’ve learned that when you give from your heart—to be kind to someone with no expectations or to buy someone’s friendship, the Law of Attraction returns it multiplied!

My original motivation for giving was to make people like me. Now that I like myself, I like to give when someone needs my help, but with boundaries that address my own needs. I give because I like helping people. Period! When I can do something for someone else that I know will help them, AND, it doesn’t hurt me or take away from my own needs, I’m happy to do it. I probably give more than I used to on many levels, but it makes me happy, not because it's an antidote to loneliness.

Leonard Nimoy said, “The miracle is this - the more we share, the more we have."

The Law of Attraction brings more blessings to you when you share yourself, your time, and other things with people, just to make them happy. Now that I’m a whole person, I no longer worry about who will like me. I like me, and that’s all that matters! Real friends like me too, whether I give or not. If I see a need and can help without putting my own needs aside completely, I help.

Self-sacrificing isn’t giving. It tells the Universe that you don’t matter, hence attracting a lack of others giving to you.

Giving with kind intentions attracts SO MUCH in return. If someone I’ve helped asks how they can reciprocate, I advise paying it forward to someone else who needs help. Whenever I need help, I attract the right people to help me. My life is a continuous blessing! I’m kind to others and get kindness and favors back at the right time! That’s the blessing of sending the right thoughts to the Law of Attraction. I now know I deserve a lot of kindness. So do you!

Examine you giving patterns. Do you do it to please people you want to like you? Or in hope of getting reciprocation? Love yourself enough to just do it to be kind. Keep your own needs in the equation when deciding what you can give. The more kindness you give to others or donate to charity, the more you’ll receive. It’s the law!

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

Blessings Bring Work

I have so many books and articles I want to write and other things I want to do. Time is my biggest deterrent. I have a major book I’m finishing up and just got the contract for a new one that I’m excited about. Days can roll by with requests for my time from a million different directions. Interview requests, emails and other things make it necessary for me to stop my general writing to do them. It often gets really frustrating.

And then there are the calls for service, to dispute a bill, etc. And laundry! : ) I haven’t had time to post to my blog as much as I’d like. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in time killers, or not having enough time to sleep. And ya know what that can generate—stress! I don’t like feeling that way. Feeling time deprived can get you into a tizzy. It can feel l like I’m a a treadmill that keeps going faster, as I work all the time but can’t make the progress I’d like.

Lately I noticed that when someone asked how life is, I said, “insane!” Hmmm… Is that how I want to feel? I don’t think so!

Just when I’m lamenting to myself about how much work is on my plate, I think of a musician I interviewed years ago. We were talking about his crazy schedule. He had to book his own shows, go after his own publicity, sell his own CDs, etc. He said every time he stopped to breathe there was something else that needed his attention. I related. So many different tasks are related to being a creative person, working on your own to earn a living doing what we love. I asked how he stays positive in the midst of it all. His words hit me hard:

Blessings bring work.

Wow! He saw all of his work as blessings related to having the career he wanted so he didn’t mind doing them. He didn’t like the individual tasks, but kept focused on the blessings that brought him the work. He told me that 7 years ago and his words continue to resonate in my mind. Lately, I’ve said them a lot to counter saying that I feel insane. I’m not insane! And I don’t want the Law of Attraction to pick that up and reinforce my being insane! ☺ It’s so much nicer to remember that

Blessings bring work!

So I’m no longer insane, I’m blessedly busy. Oh so many blessings that I can barely keep up with them all but blessings nonetheless. I repeat those 3 words often every day to remind myself that what I do is my choice and I’m blessed to have been able to do it. So many people are stuck in jobs they get no pleasure from. I LOVE what I do! That in itself is a HUGE blessing!

So I’ve accepted that I must take the work that comes with it with appreciation for why it’s there.

I could be in a boring 9-5 gig, looking at my watch to see how much time has passed. Willing it to go fast. Now I do the opposite. I look at my watch and wish time would slow down to give me enough to do all I need and want to do. It truly is a different and blessed situation. These days more than ever I appreciate being able to post my blessings on my Conscious Gratitude list on Yahoo. Every time I post one of my blessings, it reinforces how blessed I am to be so busy.

When you love what you do, all the work to do it is part of the blessing.

Next time you feel overwhelmed, remind yourself that blessings bring work. If you don’t feel blessed, either look for a way to do something else or look harder for the blessing. While I don’t like the situation, I feel blessed to be able to support my family member through a fight against cancer. Knowing I help is a blessing! I often spend evenings and weekends continuing to write my books and articles. Often that doesn’t even feel like work since I love writing. It’s the admin stuff and answering emails that gets tedious. but it’s okay since

Blessings bring work and I’m a very blessed chick!

Find your own blessings in what you do. You may be blessed to make Mom’s like easier by helping to clean out her garage. Or blessed to go with someone to the doctor. Or to make someone happy to get a reply to their email. When you find the blessings in things that take up your time, it feels much better!

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Monday, June 22, 2009

Law of Attraction in Action: Pride

This is post 43 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

When I was a DoorMat, I was taught it was better to be modest than to tell people your accomplishments and other sources of what should be pride. Being liked was most important to me. I learned early that jealousy made some people like you less if you shared your victories. Feeling proud of accomplishments out loud seemed out of the question if I wanted to fit in.

People feel better about themselves when they’re with someone who seems to have less self worth than they do.

My poor self-image was reinforced by ignoring the good things I did. I was so busy playing myself down to be liked that low self-esteem remained my M. O., no matter how well I did at times. Back then I had no idea that I was telling the Law of Attraction that I wasn’t worth much.

Author unknown said, “Nothing you know is worth anything if you don't know how to be proud of yourself.

I was scared to be proud, thinking it would push people away. Now I know that we’re all entitled to take pleasure from what we do well and to share it. Minimizing things you should be proud of is kind of the opposite of gratitude. When you express what you’re grateful for, it attracts more things to be grateful for.

When you minimize what you should be grateful for, you also deny your blessings, which will attract fewer in the future.

“Nothing you know is worth anything if you don't know how to be proud of yourself.” When you live for others, you don’t attract much joy for you. When you learn to own the good about you with pride, it can be like a magnet for more things to be proud of. You may not realize how much it affects in your life but the repercussions, positive or negative, can go a long way.

Growing up, I had an aunt who lived to brag about her kids. They could do no wrong. Her pride in them was over the top. She shared every last little accomplishment they had. Meanwhile my mom was also a people pleaser and didn’t share too much about my sister or I. When I asked why, she explained that she was very proud of us but preferred to leave the bragging to my aunt.

My aunt went to one extreme and my mom to the other. A middle ground is healthier!

Mom never expressing her pride in us to others reinforced my discomfort in expressing my own pride. And it hurt my self-esteem even more since I interpreted her lack of verbal pride as feeling less proud of me than my aunt felt about my cousins. It actually made me angry at times. We’d be sitting around a big family table, my aunt going down the list of all her kids accomplishments while my mom just smiled.

Parents don’t realize how not acting proud of their kids can lower their self-esteem.

Now I feel total pride in how I’ve turned my life around and all that came with that change. It feels fabulous! And, it attracts more things to be proud of! When I first told someone about something I was proud of, I did it apologetically. She asked why I did that and I said I wanted to be modest. She reassured that she was happy to know how well I was doing. That's the kind of person to share with! People who don't like it can stay out of my business!

There’s a fine line between being proud and bragging.

Bragging is sharing info about you to impress people, broadcasting your accomplishments to anyone who’ll listen, in a “look how great I am” manner. It’s often shared with people who don’t need to know your business. Name dropping is another form of bragging. Many people are turned off by it. Insecure people often brag to compensate for what they see as their shortcomings or something about themselves they don’t like.

Bragging is not just sharing; it’s showing off.

Pride is feeling satisfaction in what you do and sharing it when appropriate. You can feel pride without telling everyone, or even anyone. Sometimes I just look in the mirror and say, “Damn, I’m proud of you!” Then I might tell one or two people about it when we speak. Sometimes when something big happens, I’ll call or email many of my peeps. But it’s because I feel proud of something and it makes me happy, not to show off.

Pride is feeling good about something you did and wanting to share the good feelings you have about it.

When I first left DoorMatville and felt insecure, I relied on my accomplishments to give me confidence. I looked for ways to tell anyone I was with what I’d done and who I knew. I didn’t trust myself enough to expect people to think well of just me, glitches and all. I put people off with my incessant retelling of something I did or an accolade I received. As my self-esteem grew, I realized I didn’t want to do that anymore. I think I had to do it for a time to catch up for all the years of striving to be modest and never sharing anything. It was a relief to catch up and stop. ☺

Modesty does NOT mean repressing pride in what you do! If people like you less for feeling proud of what you do and who you are, too bad for them! They’re probably jealous.

There are many unsatisfied people out there who hate hearing good things from others. Certain people liked me more, or at least were more comfortable with me when I was insecure. They could be the “big” ones, reassuring me and giving solace. It made them feel needed and probably better than me, which is an ego boost. But I no longer worry about pleasing those types who prefer me wimpy instead of proud. Even now, some people ask me what I do and react badly to my answer. When I give them even the short version, I can see them looking in disdain. I’ve even heard, “wow, you’re sure full of yourself!”

No I’m not! I’m proud of my accomplishments and am just telling the truth to the question asked. That’s not bragging.

It’s funny because I often dumb what I do down, since I have no need to brag. Often I’ll just say I’m a writer if it’s someone who doesn’t need to know more. My accomplishments are more for sharing pride with people I like and I'm more selective about who I give details to. But am I bragging when I say I’m a bestselling author? No! I’m just answering the question and feel proud of how far I’ve come! If people don’t like it they can take their jealous selves away from me!

Pride is another way of feeling grateful. Gratitude attracts more to be grateful for.

So own your accomplishments with pride. Don’t let people make you feel bad for feeling good about who you are or what you’ve done. I feel sorry for anyone who can’t handle hearing about someone else’s blessings. They obviously don’t have enough of their own. and their sneering just attracts even less.

What are you proud of? Go to the mirror and tell yourself how proud you are! Then tell me in the comment section below. Let us all know what you’ve done to be proud! It's welcome here! ☺

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Thursday, June 18, 2009

Have you Won a Battle in Your Head?

I was thinking about how many great debates I have with myself. Do you may know what I mean? You’re tempted to do something you may know is bad for you or want to avoid something you know you should do. So the head battle begins. Do I do what I WANT to do or what I SHOULD do? Or will what I SHOULD do make me happier in the long run? Sometimes it’s a heavy decision. A sample of some great debates are:

* Should I take the job I was offered if it pays great money but sounds boring? I want a job that stimulates me. But I need to make more if I ever want to get out of my one room. Is moving worth being unhappy at work?

* I know I should walk away from my romantic partner who’s hurting me but my feet feel stuck. Sometimes he’s so lovable. When she’s not evil she makes me happy. But the bad times hurt. But the good times—oooohhh are so good! How can I leave? But the hurt times really hurt!

* I need to tell my roommate no more late rent payments or leave. Can I do that since I like her? I like her but I have to lay out her rent too often and she’s a slob. But she’s such good company and means well. I don’t want her to hate me. But I can't keep paying her rent!

Sometimes it’s less serious but important just the same.

* I’m so craving cake. Is it okay to let myself have a piece? Ah, but I know it will make me want more. But right now I want it! But I’m on a diet! But I want it!

* Laundry is piling up but I don’t want to bother with it today. But I’m running out of clean socks. But I’m tired from working overtime and deserve to relax. Need clean clothes! Need to relax!

* I know I need to go to the gym but I don’t feel like it. I want to get into shape so I should go. But one day missed won’t hurt me. But it’s important to keep my routine.


I’ve indulged in many of these dialogues in my head, kind of like playing a self-version of good cop, bad cop. So what’s considered winning in these kind of debates? Giving into your whims or doing what you set out to do? Giving into a craving or fighting it?

Last night I went running in Central Park. For the last few years I’ve run at least 3-4 times a week. Lately I haven’t been running much. Seems whenever I’ve been free the weather is nasty. My schedule has been crazy so free time has been scarce. I do power walk all over so I am getting cardio and my weight hasn’t suffered. But I’ve been wanting to run. I hadn’t planned to yesterday but the weather was unexpectedly nice.

After an hour of working out with weights with my trainer, I usually don’t run. But I said I’d try to since the rest of the week will either be rainy or I’ll be out. I was tired from my gym workout but the good weather called me and I went. But I left much later than I’d planned.

My head said that it would be okay to take it easier on this run since it might be harder to do the full hour after the leg press, etc. in the gym. Plus I haven’t been running so I might not be up for the full run. I was already hungry and I wanted to get back early to eat so I could go to sleep early. I tried to convince myself I should get back into running slowly. Plus, I didn’t want to get back after 8:30, but would if I did the full run.

So I agreed with myself to see how I felt.

I run legs in the park, stretching in between. As I ran into the park, I gave myself permission to cut the first leg short if it got to be too much. “You can cut yourself slack since you haven’t been running” a tired voice said. “But I need this run since I haven’t been doing it” I countered. So I bargained. “Just go a few more yards and see you feel.” “I can finish this one leg” I declared, since it would be the only run this week. And I did!

My mind debate continued as I did. I knew that it was good for me to run as much as I could. So I cut myself mind slack, leg by leg, and ran as much as usual.

While most of us don’t have split personalities, we can have split desires. Once side can be based on logic and the other side on immediate needs. These days I can accept it and try to argue my way to pushing myself to do what’s best for my highest good. Sometimes I put it into God’s hands. Even when I was running, I said if I have the strength to finish, I will. With each leg I argued that it was okay to stop early. Yet each finished leg made the argument stronger for finishing it all.

Sometimes I go with the one that isn’t the best choice, like a cookie. But these days, self-love drives me to the healthier choice, and the one I want.

In my DoorMat days, the argument was usually stronger for what someone else wanted from me. Even when I knew what I wanted, the argument to please would usually win over my own desire. Of course it’s better to debate the healthiest choice the hardest. It feels empowering when you make the choice that ultimately is best for you.

When the desires of someone else wins the argument in your head, you often lose.

When I choose to continue to run the full leg, or to pass on the cookie, or to take Saturday off, even though I have work to do but need some rest, I feel very empowered with the results. When I win the battle for the best choice for my highest good, I’ve taken control of me.

Have YOU won a battle in your head? Please share it in the comments. I’d love to know how my readers make the best decisions for themselves or overcome a tempting alternative that they may regret after. PLEASE SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS!

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Monday, June 15, 2009

Law of Attraction in Action: Forgiving YOURSELF

This is post 42 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

Last week in this Law of Attraction in Action series I discussed forgiving others. Something that I consider even more important is learning to forgive yourself. We often don’t consider ourselves in the same category as forgiving others. If I’ve learned any special lessons from being a recovering DoorMat it’s that I’m THE most important person in MY life just as YOU should be the most important person in YOUR life. Therefore, you must cut yourself at least the same amount of slack that you give to others, if not more!

Every time you beat yourself up for making a mistake or being imperfect, the Law of Attraction can read that as being unkind to you. And unloving.

Guess what that attracts?

Do you talk nicely to yourself, like "Way to go!" or "I look great today." Or is your inner dialogue more commonly, “I'm an idiot for that." or "My stomach is flabby." You know it's wrong to hurt someone you care about. Apply that to self! Treat you as you would friends – use kind words and accept imperfections. If a friend goofs, would you bash her? If your buddy lost his girlfriend, would you encourage self-criticism? I doubt it.

We reassure those we care about. Self-love means cutting yourself slack too! Don’t tell the Universe that you’re not worthy of the love behind self-forgiveness!

We often don’t realize what we do to ourselves. When I was a DoorMat and my friend trashed herself, I challenged how she could call herself a big idiot when she was such a bright person and normally did things well. She pointed out that I did the same thing. I insisted it was different! She laughed and said that’s how she felt about herself. It got me thinking. When I put myself down, I feel worse. Now I understand that I attracted those feelings and reasons to feel them by being unforgiving to me. I’ve made a conscious effort to tell myself it’s okay to make mistakes.

If you goof up, affirm, “I forgive me for being human”

Do you talk to friends like you talk to yourself?
• "I'm a dummy for saying that."
• "How stupid can I get!"

Next time you goof, think about what you’d say if a good friend did the same thing. Would you chastise or reassure? Come on, you know if a friend breaks something, messes up his car, or says the wrong thing, you’d try to make them feel better, not name call. Yet we use harsh words on ourselves. When a friend's luck turns sour, you remind them that some things aren’t in their control and not everything is their fault. If others speak ill of this person you defend them.

Now think of yourself as this person, your own best friend. And when you don’t live up to your own expectations, forgive yourself and move on.

I used awful words when I made “bonehead” moves, as I called them. ☺ Then it hit me. I was trying to love myself yet I didn’t speak lovingly. That led to one of my best new habits. “Silly me!” The word silly is kinder. I’ve made a habit of replacing bad words with silly. I’m no longer retarded or a dummy. I’m silly when I klutz out and silly when I break something. It took time to break habits of insulting myself when I goofed (another kinder word) and get into the habit of using the word silly, but it had a profound affect.

I’d say a derogatory word but immediately replace it with silly. “That was stupid, no silly.” I still smile when I use it. It’s instant self-forgiveness!

No matter what I do wrong, I call myself silly and smile. This habit is VERY loving! It releases me from the anguish of berating myself and forgives me all at once. The more you love yourself, the less self-insults you’ll tolerate. The more you forgive your glitches, the more you’ll attract love. Pay attention to your reaction when you goof. Adopt a habit of instant forgiveness with kinder responses to what you did. Calling yourself an idiot for saying the wrong thing to your boss, being a klutz for spilling ketchup, a fool to believe someone you trusted, stupid for forgetting something, lowers self-confidence, diminishes self-love, and plain old isn’t nice.

Do it only if you want to attract more self-esteem busters.

Mistakes can be seen as personal boners—or lessons. Self-recrimination wastes energy. Forgiving and moving is loving. When you goof, do what you can to rectify mistakes and move on. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes, even very smart people. Reassure yourself—say it’s okay! Every time I call myself silly or say, "oops, it's okay," instead of calling myself a name or getting angry, I smile and know I’m forgiven. I was my own worst self-esteem enemy when I was a DoorMat, beating myself up and reliving mistakes and my shortcomings. Now I truly am my best friend, cheering myself on while forgiving my errors.

When you can forgive yourself, it’s easier to forgive others. Love yourself enough to give YOU that kindness of forgiving. Without my own jabs, my self-esteem has never been stronger! And the Law of Attraction returns it all to me multiplied!

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Thursday, June 11, 2009

Miserably Skinny

I recently saw Gina, who I haven’t seen in years. Known her since my DoorMat days. She’s stick thin, barely eats, and always watching her weight. We bumped into each other at a networking function and agreed to do lunch. At first I hesitated, remembering going shopping with her years ago.

Back then, I felt vulnerable, as usual. We went to a store and I saw a sweater I liked. As I looked for it in my size, she grabbed my arm and nudged me to look at a different sweater. It was oversized and bulky. She suggested I buy that one since it was big and would cover my body more. No need to have my fat show more than necessary! I was hurt and angry. While I didn’t buy her suggestion, it ruined my day. But I kept quiet, not knowing how to reply to such a mean statement.

As a DoorMat, I always felt fat, since I wasn’t as thin as women I saw in the media. Yet I really had a nice body if I didn’t compare it to anorexics and air brushed chicks.

Gina isn’t a bad person. I honestly thought she was trying to help me. She must be very insecure to say that kind of thing to me. I know she stresses over her body. Plus she must always be hungry! ☺ So I didn’t want to be mean back. As a compulsive people pleaser in those days, I didn’t want to alienate her. But it bothered me a lot that someone would speak to me like that. While I couldn’t stand up to her, I did avoid making future plans.

When she questioned why I didn’t do things with her anymore, I explained I didn’t want to be in a situation to get any more of her "advice," no matter how much she thought she meant well.

Gina was surprised and defensive. Of course I reassured her that she was a good person. We eventually lost touch. Seeing her again brought back the old memories. She’s still stick thin and neurotic about what she eats. But this time around, I was no DoorMat! I had no intention of buying into her nastiness, however she deluded herself that her intentions were good.

So this time Gina had lunch with a very empowered woman, who knows she’s not fat.

I wasn’t fat when I was a DoorMat but felt fat, since I wasn’t thin. Next to Gina, I felt like a horse! But that didn’t make me fat! Now I know better. My curvy, in proportion body is just as good as Gina’s very thin one. Better on many levels since I prefer curves to skin and bones! ☺ As far as I’m concerned, I’m a lot prettier than she is. And, I have a much better personality. Gina is surly, unhappy, and hungry! ☺

Just because someone is in better shape than you, or thinner, doesn’t take away from the beauty of you. I went to lunch prepared.

I tend to be a healthy eater but indulge in fattening, unhealthy foods occasionally. Maybe I subconsciously wanted to goad Gina since I craved a burger and fries for lunch. When I ordered it, Gina’s mouth dropped. She couldn’t hide how horrified she was, as she ordered a small salad with a can of tuna packed in water and no dressing. I ignored her. But she couldn’t resist a jab, “Should you be eating that?”

“No, I’m an idiot,” I said, and then added that I didn’t need her to tell me how to eat.

Gina bristled but shut up. When the food came, she turned up her nose in disgust and began to lecture about how fattening my food was, to which I just said, “shut up!” As she flinched, I added that it was none of her business what I ate. If she wants to deprive herself of all yummy things to be a skinny, unhappy b*tch, that was her choice. My choice is to be comfortable with my body and enjoy my life, and food.

I added that one more word about it would make me move to another table without her or take my food in a doggy bag to the park.

I think her mouth stayed open for five minutes as she absorbed my words. No prob. she barely eats anyway, poor thing. Then she told me I’d changed a lot since we’d last communicated. I’d never spoken like this before. I wasn’t nice. She didn’t mean any harm but I was getting so tough.

I cut her off with a big smile. I wasn’t tough or mean. She was. I just wasn’t going to let someone like her ruin my lunch. That was all. I asked Gina what gave her the right to play food police with me. Just because she chose to be miserably skinny, I didn’t have to buy her views. What I ate was none of her business. It was my choice if I got fat from overeating. But I’m not fat! I’m just not as thin as she is. Too high a price to pay! Plus, I'm happy and she obviously isn't.

Gina asked, “Who are you??”

I replied that I’m an empowered chick who’s comfortable in my own less than perfect skin and happy with myself. Far from DoorMatville and planning to stay there! That was probably my last get together with Gina. It’s so much better to focus on only letting people with good energy into your world! Let her pick on another DoorMat who doesn’t speak up. This former one has no tolerance any more and is happier for it! I won’t be seeing her anymore.

Don’t give people permission to put you down by being silent. Speak up and if it continues, don’t see the person often, or at all. Forgive them as I discussed in my last post, but don’t tolerate it! Gina obviously has no self-love. I feel sorry for her but don’t want her in my positive world! Love yourself enough to protect yourself! Don;t let people take their own issues out on you!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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Monday, June 8, 2009

Law of Attraction in Action: Forgiving Others

This is post 41 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

I often mention forgiveness as a good thing to do. I was thinking about how forgiving people sets the Law of Attraction onto a good course. Many people say in anger, “I’ll never forgive [person]!” But what does that tell the Universe? That you’re angry, which keeps the anger alive. It also keeps the person you won’t forgive on your mind.

It’s hard to forgive someone who hurt you. When you’re wounded on the inside, the mental pain can make you angry. Forgiving the person may seem like a gift for them. But you don’t forgive to make the one who did you wrong feel better.

You forgive for YOU. Forgiving is a loving gift for you.

When I was a DoorMat, I believed that if I let people get away with being wrong, I was forgiving them. But I wasn’t. I just couldn’t say anything. I was cutting them slack but it made them feel better, not me. I always felt anger churning, which made me feel lousy about myself. Now that I consciously forgive people, my anger level is way down. I still don’t like some actions but I’ve become wiser and feel more positive now.

Isabelle Holland said, "As long as you don't forgive, who and whatever it is will occupy rent-free space in your mind."

Holding onto bad feelings fuels aggravation. Forgiving lightens anger. If you don’t forgive, you give others power to ruin your day (or life). You keep them in your mind and relive whatever they did when you think of them. Thinking about them attracts more aggravation, or more incidents with the person you didn’t forgive.

Unresolved issues creates emotional baggage---the negative feelings you carry around with you. Forgiving unpacks the baggage and puts it away.

Forgiving someone who did something you consider really bad is a powerful and brave act. It’s easy for me to recommend doing it but it’s very hard to do when emotions make you want to hurt the person back, not forgive. It means stepping beyond what they did to understand this person is probably unhappy, wounded or has problems from past experiences that makes him or her do things that aren’t nice. I learned from the Dalai Lama that when people hurt you, they’re really hurting themselves. People do negative things when they’re unhappy or hurting so you should have compassion fort them, not anger.

Now I can often replace my anger with compassion. Doing this has GREATLY reduced how often I get angry, and made it easier to forgive.

Do you associate forgiving with forgetting? Not! Nor does forgiving condone or accept the action or behavior you forgive. You forgive the person’s distorted view of right and wrong or the pain that drove them to hurt you. You’re forgiving the PERSON for their shortcomings, the issue behind what they did to you, not the negative action or behavior itself. Compassion for why they do negative things makes it a little easier.

Separate the person from the action. “I forgive you but what you did was wrong.” Forgive, take responsibility, and respond differently in the future, or stay away from the person if you can.

People who feel good about themselves and who are happy don’t consciously hurt people. It’s the people with issues who do. There are many levels of forgiveness, depending on what the person did:

* If something unacceptable happens once, forgive the person and let it go if he or she acknowledges what was done and apologizes.
* If the behavior is repeated, warn the person that it’s unacceptable, which means that things will be different in the future.
*If unacceptable behavior is ongoing, forgive but remember enough to cut your ties or set stronger boundaries.
* If the behavior intolerable cut the person out of your life and forgive from a distance.

You can forgive in your heart and never speak again to someone who hurts you. The person doesn’t have to know you forgave. Sometimes there’s a lot to forgive and it can take time to really feel forgiving when you do it in your heart. In the past, anger churned in me for months after. But once I forgive in my heart, I let it go.

How do you forgive someone in your heart? I like to write a letter to the person telling them exactly how I feel about what they did. All the pain and anger. I write and write until I can’t think of another thing to say. Then I read it out loud as if the person were there. I express all my emotions, cry, sometimes yell. Then I say they must be hurting to do this and I forgive them for their hurtful actions. Then I burn the letter. As it goes up in smoke, so does my anger. Without the anger I can let it go.

When you forgive someone in your heart, light a candle and feel its warmth. Give thanks for the blessing of being able to forgive. It truly is a blessing.

Being able to forgive has added to my happiness immeasurably. Even if people aren’t fair, forgive them - for you, not them! It’s a relief to reduce the weight of anger. Remember it’s for you, and for the Universe to send the right message to the Law of Attraction. What does it attract—PEACE.

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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Sunday, June 7, 2009

Daylle's News

I don't normally do this but I wanted to let you know about a few things I have going on that I'm excited about.

For those of you in the NYC area, I’m doing a talk called Nice People CAN Finish First on Tuesday, June 9th, 7PM at the Orchard House CafĂ© on the Southeast Corner of 58th Street & First Avenue. It’s free and for both women and men.

I just started a Nice Girls on Top group on Facebook. I plan to start a Nice Guys on Top group too. Any of you guys interested? Let me know and I’ll let you know when it’s up. We're gonna discuss what nice means and how to be a powerful version.

You can now follow me on Twitter.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Interview with Courtney Hazlett

I’m delighted to have an interview with Courtney Hazlett, columnist and Celebrity Correspondent for MSNBC, for my Embracing SUCCESS series. Courtney covers media and pop culture as a columnist and on-air personality for MSNBC and She is a regular contributor to "Morning Joe," MSNBC dayside programming, and frequently appears on "Today "and "Access Hollywood." I was impressed with Courtney when I met her and after the interview, I’m really inspired. She’s a woman who believes in pursuing your passions and living by them.

When you were in school, what did you want to be when you grew up? I always wanted to be a doctor. About halfway through college, it became painfully obvious that I was terrible at chemistry. I decided to head in a direction that played off my strengths—reading and writing. I majored in philosophy.

What was your first job out of school? I was a sailing coach and then became an editorial assistant at Boating magazine. I had no formal journalism experience in college so I realized I had to parlay my hobbies into a job.

How did you swing into what you do now? I made it up to senior editor at Yachting magazine, at which point I realized I liked journalism and media but didn’t want to get pigeon-holed. The only way to calibrate and reset was to go to journalism school. I went to Columbia and started focusing on getting more into pop culture. It was another one of my interests.

How did you learn to be so good at what you do? I dive into subjects, love them, become an expert, and be very good at the craft. I worked the whole time I was in school. I was at the Smoking Gun. By the time I graduated (it took me 2 years since I was going part time) I was at People magazine.

Did being a woman ever hinder you? I often have days when I feel like I’m in a man’s business. When you look at the management at the top, it’s mostly men. The majority take me for what my accomplishments and talents are. From time to time I get approached by someone in a position to further my career who says, “I hear you’re actually kind of smart.” (laughs) Would they say that to a man? I don’t think so. I’ve never felt that if I was a man I’d get a free pass or get away with something but I do think a woman has to come out of the gate a little bit stronger. I kind of only know one speed, which may be a blessing in disguise.

How do you handle criticism? I have fairly thick skin, which is essential in this business. There’s somebody out there who starts their day posting what’s wrong with my column, along the lines of “I can eat pen and paper and puke up a better column.” I just think go for it! But it can start to get to you. There’s this nasty thing called the Internet that provides a forum for people to say things that they’d never say to your face. I think that’s unfortunate, a misuse of the medium and I wish people would use their time in a more productive way. But it is what it is. You have to just move forward and past it. Constructive criticism is always welcome.

Have you experienced problems with celebrities you’ve reported on where the news was negative? No. There are times a publicist asks if I have to run that or can I kill it. But I’m not in the business of killing things because I like you. If it’s fair, it’s fair. I get pegged as a gossip columnist, which I sort of loathe. At the end of the day, I have sources and my columns go through the legal department and several editors and are well vetted.

What gives you satisfaction? I get a lot of satisfaction when I devote a lot of time to something that doesn’t have an immediate payoff and then it does. I love the idea of becoming an expert in a new subject every week. That’s not to say I don’t know what I’m talking about. For example, right now we’re going into upfronts so I thought I need to know a little more about advertising. It’s narrowing a focus and makes you see everything differently. I call I doing homework. That’s a very satisfying part of my job. I like taking some of my time away from 30 Rock to do homework and see that pay out over the course of time.

What’s the favorite part of your career? I like being on the leading edge, getting information and having the responsibility to put it out there in a way that interests people. I think right now more than ever is proof that you can put really god information out but if nobody is reading it, it doesn’t matter.

What qualities do you think helped you advance in your career? The idea that I never had a playbook helped me out. I didn’t feel I had to follow an A then B timeline. I was able to go full steam ahead. If I wanted something, I went after it. I guess I have this warped sense that everything will work out.

How do you separate your job from who you are? I don’t. What you see is what you get with me!

How would you describe yourself to someone who doesn’t know you? I’m a journalist who puts my work out there through every medium possible. I’m on television; I have a column online; I still do print pieces from time to time. I started doing some radio. I think now you can’t put all your eggs in one communications basket. I always had a sense when I was growing up that I would end up with a job that doesn’t have an exact job description, even when I went into medicine.

How do you see the current job market? Right now, people are looking at the difficult job market through the wrong lens. It’s a great time to get the job you want because you can walk in and if you have great ides, convince someone that it’s great. You can do things outside the box. Right now people want something different. Look at newspapers. They have great information but no one’s reading them or buying them. Take note of that. Think about “what can I do to set myself apart and make people interested?” This is a fantastic time!

What does success mean to you? I want to do well and be very good at what I do. I want to be respected in my field. That’s success to me. I love waking up every day at 4:45 and getting a run in before I go to work and those sorts of things. I’ve struck a good balance. It might not look like a balance on the outside, but for me it is.

What do you see yourself doing in 10 years? I have no idea! It will all work out. I didn’t think I’d be here three years ago. I just kind of choose my interests and keep trying to do what I’m doing as best I can. And new opportunities pop up. I’m not afraid to go to somebody with a different idea and see where it takes me.

What gives you the balls to do those kind of things? Naivety? I just think what’s the worst that can happen? If someone says “no,” I’m not going to get fired for having an idea that doesn’t work. I just think why not? I guess I have a certain level of self-confidence that gets me to that place where you can knock on someone’s door, send that email or pick up the phone. I just don’t believe in having things happen to you. Life would be so boring. I prefer to make it happen.

How important is passion? It’s absolutely essential. I don’t believe in waking up in the morning If you’re not going do something you’re passionate about. Just do something you love! There’s nothing more unattractive to me in a person than someone who clearly hates their job. Do something else. I don’t mean to sound cavalier in saying this. But I truly believe that everybody has to have something they’re really interested in and there’s probably a way to make your life revolve around it.

What’s your best advice for someone who wants to follow their passion but is scared? Be inventive. I’m blessed with having had my upbringing. My parents were very nontraditional in getting to where they are. I was a sophomore in college before they were both out of school. I was really lucky to grow up with the example that you could have a family and a job on top of that and be really happy—busy but happy.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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Monday, June 1, 2009

Law of Attraction in Action: Critical/Mean Thoughts

This is post 40 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

I’m a nice person and don’t want to be mean to anyone. But as I’ve become more conscious of my thoughts, I realize that I have some about others that aren’t nice. Did you ever see someone on the street and judge them? Maybe you wonder how she could leave her house wearing that outfit or doesn’t he know that his toupee looks silly? I do. It’s so easy to have critical thoughts that are silent. I used to think it didn’t matter since the person couldn’t hear them.

But I hear them and so does the Universe. I realized it’s not nice, no matter if they’re silent! Plus, it sets the wrong intentions into motion with the Law of Attraction.

I walk a lot. Living in NYC allows me to go almost everywhere by foot. That means a lot of walking and passing a lot of people. I love to people watch and observe different behavior. As a writer, it fascinates me. But I also notice things that make me think thoughts that are critical of some of the people I pass. It used to be fun. I’d wonder why she’s with that goofy looking guy or why he’s wearing that awful jacket.

Don’t they have eyes to see how awful they look?

I think that insecurity makes up pick on others, even if it's silent. Finding their faults subconsciously makes you feel a little less bad about your own. Every one of us has some insecurity. No matter how good your self-esteem, there’s something you’d love to change if you could or a bad habit you can’t break. I love myself and feel great about who I am but would love to lose more weight if the fat fairy would oblige. I’m happy with my body but would still love to be more svelte. We all have things we’d change if a magic wand could be waved to oblige us.

Accepting our imperfections, especially things we can’t change---such as being what you perceive as too short or the big one, not being able to get younger instead of older---doesn’t mean we wouldn’t prefer to have what we lack. And we can't help feeling a little envy when seeing someone who has what we don't. You just need to keep these normal feelings in persepective and control your response to them. I’d love to be younger or thinner or have hair that doesn’t frizz in humidity, etc. What would you love to change if you could?

Criticism of others, even if just a passing thought, often reflects our own insecurity. But that doesn’t make it right!

When I finally caught myself, I became more aware that I don’t like that kind of criticism directed at me. Even if I don’t hear it, it’s a yucky feeling. Yet I was doing it to others! I needed to stop. Consciousness became my guide. Once I noticed this bad habit, I was shocked to realize how often I have negative thoughts about people. I used to think it was harmless. But no negative is harmless!

The Law of Attraction returns our thoughts. I didn’t want to attract negativity by being negative and had to stop!

So I’ve created a sort of self-warning system of consciousness and am still a work in progress. Breaking old habits takes time. But that’s okay since it’s better than not breaking them at all. And the process has been good for me! My awareness is very heightened now. When I notice someone I’d normally rag on mentally, I can stop myself mid-rag now. Sometimes sooner. The important thing is making the effort to stop myself.

When I notice something and begin a critical thought, I interrupt it by telling myself that isn’t nice and I must stop. And I do. I often say "I'm sorry" too.

Each time I put the brakes on a negative feels good to me now. I used to get a kick out of making fun of someone in my head. Now I enjoy being able to stop myself. It’s a great feeling of control. Each time I stop a negative thought about someone, usually a stranger, I applaud myself for breaking my habit of being silently mean. Mean is mean. I don’t want to attract that into my world!

While the person I’m making fun of in my head doesn’t know I’m doing it, I know, and so does the Law of Attraction.

I feel more in control since I’ve been working on stopping my habit. But I intend to break it entirely with practice. All habits can be broken with time and consciousness! Pay attention to your thoughts. Do you judge people in a harsh light in your head? Do you really want to do that? It seemed like a funny thing to me until I began studying the LOA. Now I know that it’s not right, and can attract what I don’t want. Thinking kinder thoughts about others attracts much better stuff. When you do think kinder thoughts, you attract more kindness and compliments.

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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