“Just This Once” NOT!

Have you ever looked at a yummy piece of cake when you’re on a diet or put your hand out for a cigarette after you quit smoking and said, “just this once?” As I’ve tried to improve my habits and be as healthy as possible, I’ve learned that “just this once” is rarely once. We all have weaknesses for something, whether it’s cookies or drinking or getting lost on the Internet, or going back to a lover you know will hurt you, etc.

Will a desire for something control you or will you take control of the need?

WILL POWER. This is something we’d all love to have, without having to fight cravings. But it doesn’t work that way. Often we find ourselves battling against a strong desire for something that we know isn’t good to have. We want will power but holding onto it takes work and perseverance. It’s hard. Hard but worth it!

Instant gratification is much more appealing than depriving yourself.

When I was a DoorMat, my will power was weak. I was basically unhappy so I grabbed for anything that felt good for the moment. Saturday was cheesecake night. Unless I was somewhere that kept me from it, every Saturday night I either went out to a diner for some or brought a piece home. I indulged in anything that tasted or felt good. And I smoked. And chewed sugar-laden bubble gum. Since I didn’t value myself, there was no motivation to stop putting junk into my body.

Something yummy right now can seem much more appealing than the potential to lose a pound, which can take a while. And when you don’t love yourself, it’s hard to see past the cookie.

But I’ve learned why having will power is important. It really is a strong act of self-love. Knowing this doesn’t necessarily make it easy to say no to things that bring momentary pleasure, but it does make it more doable. With my slow metabolism (yes, I’ve been tested!), I have a hard time losing weight, even with a relatively healthy lifestyle. But this past fall, I gave it more serious thought and got a message, which I believe came from God, that I had to break my sugar habits.

I finally made one of the biggest decisions of my life. While I did eat healthy, I had habits for eating sweets that I had to break. That was the end of October.

I’ve gone on diets before. It’s been slow but I’ve lost some weight at times over the years. But this has been different. I didn’t give up sugar. I broke my habits, and I had lots of them. One that I always saw as harmless was having a starlight mint (or more than one) after every meal. One is only 20 calories so I justified that it was okay. I had dessert every night. Something small. I used to have a Heath bar, which I love. It’s less calories than most. Sometimes I could resist and have only a half of one. But this was another sweet habit.

Something in me clicked when I began. I didn’t want habits to control me. The first week was like being in withdrawal from a substance addiction as I stayed off of sweets.

It got easier as I continued. I still had sweets, but much less often and not during the normal times I had in the past. No more mints after meals! That was tough. I still reach for them sometimes, but can stop more easily now. I still have one occasionally, like after eating something very spicy. But maybe 2 a week instead of 3-6 a day. I have to ask myself for permission now before I have one. ☺

It makes me feel so much in control of my intake instead of feeling controlled by my whims like I used to be.

I have a sweet on the weekend, but after lunch instead of dinner like my habit was. And I still pig out on special occasions. So I don’t feel completely deprived of sweets. But I rarely have sweets at times I used to. Having them is no longer a habit. I can even walk past the mints in restaurants without reaching for a handful!

Oh, and I’ve lost 8 pounds without changing any of my other eating habits.

I wish I could say that my cravings have stopped, but they haven’t. I still want sweets. But the cravings aren’t as strong. There are still times it’s hard to generate will power to resist them. But I do! And, that feels wonderful, so powerful. Cravings no longer control me! I control them! I’ve found that one of the biggest deal breakers for controlling an addiction, whether it’s for food, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, seeing an abusive/unhealthy person you think you love, etc., is three little words:

“Just this once.” We always think we can have it once and then stop. But addictions don’t work that way.

I consider anything you crave and find hard to resist an addiction, be it a substance, food, person, activity, etc. Allowing one “just this once.” leads to another “just this once.” It’s never “just this once” when it comes to cravings. But you CAN generate the will power to begin to control the cravings, IF you want it enough and CHOOSE to. Here’s some tips I’ve learned:

* Show yourself lots of love! The more you love yourself, the more you want to take care of YOU. It’s a no-brainer! When you care about your well being, it’s easier to do what it takes to be healthier. Think of will power as an act of self-love and feel the love with each temptation you resist. Be the best friend to yourself that you should be and support your efforts to break habits.

* Postpone, don’t automatically deny. When I got disgusted with my Saturday night cheesecake habit, I told myself I’d wait an hour and then get it. After an hour, I chose to wait another hour. Then a half hour. Each time I postponed made it a little easier to wait. After all, I wasn’t withholding the treat. I was just waiting a little to have it. But I didn’t have it! Eventually it got late and I decided I could go without it. The rest of the night I reveled in being able to control my need for the cheesecake. I began to postpone other treats, and slowly broke the habit. Sometimes I did have it, and it was okay. But I didn’t need it all the time and my need became an occasional treat instead of a habit..

* Plan treats. I enjoy my sweets and allow myself to indulge, with some limits, on the weekend. If I have that to look forward to I can wait. I can also get addicted to playing computer games but I control this by allowing specific times to play them. If you have an addiction you can’t do in moderation, treat yourself to a massage or activity you enjoy.

* Find less addictive substitutes. There are some sweets I can have a little of and stop and some I can’t. I know I can’t keep a box of Oreos around as they talk to me. I’ll eat much too many! So, I don’t get them. Then there are cookies I like but don’t love. That’s what I buy if I get cookies. Find something else that gives you pleasure and avoid those that weaken your will power.

* Make a habit piggy bank or jar. Every time you resist buying something to eat or cigarettes or a drink or treating someone to get into their good favor, put the money you’d have spent in a piggy bank or jar. Save up for a trip, an electronic toy you’d like, new clothes or whatever would make you happy. This is a great way to reward yourself and see the fruits of your will power.

* Talk to yourself when you say “just this once.” Ohhh, I’d think, “I can splurge and have cake after dinner at home, even though it’s a Tuesday and that was my habit.” But I know it will lead to more exceptions. So I tell myself I can’t do it, out loud if I’m alone. I explain why, to myself. It usually convinces me that I can’t do it “just this once.” It’s really important to acknowledge the craving and praise yourself for not giving in—out loud if possible. I actually tell myself firmly that I can’t let myself start succumbing to “just this once” since it won’t be once.

*Take conscious pleasure in being able to control your desire. I congratulate myself for taking control instead of succumbing. Feeling empowered can give you a rush that makes up for not having a cookie or whatever it is you want.

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Law of Attraction in Action: What Are Blessings?

This is post 28 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

I interviewed a woman named Cheryl Harvey Hill, who’ll be featured on this blog in the next few weeks. Three times she’s been so sick the doctors put her into hospice care and declared she wouldn’t survive. Three times she’s recovered! I get chills from how much Cheryl inspires me! When I asked how she puts her health problems into perspective so she can go on with her life in the face of doctors saying she’s going to die, she said:

As simple as it may sound, it really is a matter of counting your blessings. Seriously. You only need to look at the six 'o clock news to see folks who are much worse off than you are. Then too, I have been blessed with amazing friends and family who are so positive all the time; they are great cheerleaders. It's all about choices. You can choose to feel sorry for yourself or you can choose to concentrate on the positive things in your life. I have a lot of positive things in my life so I choose to concentrate on those things. My illness can fend for itself.

Cheryl’s spirit got me thinking. I have my Conscious Gratitude list on Yahoo that people have the opportunity to post blessings on. Few post regularly. I try to post every day. Most people don’t. Some post occasionally when they have some big news or something special happened. Cheryl finds things every day to focus on, and that helps to heal her. I try to do that too when I post my blessings every day! And when I read what others post, it reminds me of other things I should express gratitude for.

When you recognize almost everything good in your life as a blessing, it’s easier to feel very blessed.

And when you feel blessed, you attract more blessings. In Cheryl’s case, she attracted better health by being grateful for all the good things in her life. She recently left hospice again after her docs told her husband that she wouldn’t make it this time. Cheryl beats the odds by choosing to get well and letting her blessings heal her. By not focusing on her illness, she makes it easier for healing to come to her. She attracts the happiness she attracts from her blessings.

Focusing on your blessings tells sends a message that your intentions are to have blessings. That allows the Law of Attraction to attract more blessings.

I learned one of the most valuable lessons of my life when I was young. I had a friend (I’ll call her Meg) who was VERY spoiled. She had every toy, every doll, every game, every music album, etc. Not surprising that I envied her! One day I asked my mom to buy me a doll that Meg had. She wouldn’t, explaining I had enough. I balked and whined that Meg had so much while I had so little. Mom vehemently disagreed. She pointed out that Meg rarely seemed happy in her pursuit of the next new purchase to bug her parents for. With all of the wonderful things she had to play with, Meg was more focused on what to ask for next than on what she had.

While I was too young to understand the concept of counting one’s blessings, I did learn the importance of appreciating what you have.

Mom pointed out that I loved my 2 dolls. Meg had many more but tossed them around like garbage. Mine were special to me. I still remember their names—Nancy and Abigail. Meg barely named hers since they were expendable as she continued getting new ones. I cherished mine as my babies. After that, I paid more attention to Meg’s lack of appreciation for everything as mine increased. I did love what I had and I took more pleasure in it! Since then, my attention to the small details of the good in my life increased. It helps me to wake up smiling every day!

Counting your blessings helps prevent taking your life for granted, which I think a majority of people do. Every little joyous thing is a reason to celebrate life if you recognize it as a such. I do!

I got out of DoorMatville! I’m grateful for that every day. It doesn’t get old or fade away. I am happy! I am confident! I feel powerful! I help others to feel this way! I never get tired of being grateful for that! I post blessings on my Conscious Gratitude list list almost every day. Often I give thanks for the same blessings over and over, like sunshine, sleeping well and good friends. It makes me more conscious that these are things that make me happy, which in turn makes me happier. Blessings shouldn't get old by taking them for granted. Appreciation for all the good in your life attracts lots more to appreciate!

I saw Meg at a school reunion. She still seems unhappy and continues trying to organize activities. Meg seems to still need entertainment or extras. It was a great reminder to never take blessings for granted. Look around you? What do you have that you like? Acknowledge it out loud. Write it down. Let all the blessings you may not acknowledge often bathe you in the warmth that gratitude brings. For me, appreciating all the little things I like stokes my happiness each day. After being an unhappy DoorMat for so long, I love the smile they keep on my face. ☺

Stoke your own happiness and good health by letting the Law of Attraction respond to your thoughts about your blessings!

Cheryl conquers life with her blessings and I try to do that do. Pay attention to what you have instead of what you lack and to what feels good instead of dwelling on what feels bad. It can put you in a better mood, improve your health and attract more blessings. Stay tuned for a full interview with Cheryl Harvey Hill.

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..

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Interview with Terrie M. Williams

Terrie M. Williams began her career as a social worker. When she saw an article about public relations, she says it lit a fire in her. She launched The Terrie Williams Agency into one of the most successful PR firms in the country. Still wanting to help change people’s lives, Terrie began the Stay Strong Foundation and also wrote books. The range of her accomplishments definitely makes her an inspiration as part of my Embracing SUCCESS series.


Terrie's latest book, Black Pain: It Just Looks Like We're Not Hurting (Scribner, 2008), has touched many people with its candid look at the effect of racism on black people and her own depression from it. There’s a foreword by Mary J. Blige and testimonials from an impressive assortment of people, including Danny Glover, Sean “Diddy” Combs and Patti LaBelle. I admit it’s a tough read. Terrie speaks the truth! But as the saying goes, the truth can set you free. If you're black, you’ll gain a lot of understanding about your own behavior and the people around you. Other races may also recognize parallels in themselves, and gain an understanding about why some black people act in unhealthy ways. It can also make everyone more aware of how they treat folks who are different and the effects it can have.

When I taught school, kids expressed the pain they felt from comments and treatment that they’d experienced because of their race. As a white person, it’s hard to imagine what it’s like to have so many stereotypes about people who share the color of your skin used against you. This book is eye opening. EVERYONE, no matter what your color or experience, should read this book to understand the often underlying or subtle racism that still exists. It can help foster more consideration and compassion toward people of color. Anyone who cares about people should read Terrie’s book! I'm posting this interview in honor of Black History Month. Here’s what Terrie had to say:


How would you define Black Pain? The dark emotion and space in all of us. There’s a particle set of circumstances that affect people of color who experience pain and depression. It’s a learned silence from the days of slavery. You’d be beaten, tortured, raped, sold from your loved ones, but you had to act like you weren’t hurting. I think that’s been passed on for generations.

Why does it lead to depression? Because we’re not meant to hold our stuff in--the childhood wounds, scars, trauma and day to day slights we experience. We’re not meant to hold in anger, disappointment and rage. When these things are not dealt with, it causes depression.

Why do you think the pain and depression is different in the Black community from other groups? We were raised that you can’t speak about it or there will be repercussions. It’s also perceived as a sign of weakness or being crazy. We’re a very faith based people so we think to do anything other than to pray to God is a betrayal.

What inspired you to write your book? I went through the fire and came out on the other side. I heard the voice of God saying that I had to share my story. I used to wonder about people who’d say that God told them to do something, but I clearly heard a voice one day that said I had to share my story. It’s been an amazing blessing, liberating and has helped me understand what I’m here on this earth to do. Every experience in my life brought me to exactly this point. I am a social worker and one who manages depression so I know what that feels like and am more compassionate. I know how to market and promote a message and I had access to the media and celebrities. So I tied it all together to make an in your face, up close and personal message for people to understand that they’re not alone.

What would you tell someone who doesn’t understand how someone with your level of success could be depressed? Pain is a human condition. It has nothing to do with what I have. We come into this world shaped by the pain we have inherited from our parents, no matter how loving they are. We inherit their gifts and talents too. It gets passed on from generation to generation.

When was your toughest time? What happened? Four years ago when I had a breakdown. It was 9 months of hell. But when you come out of it on the other side and you’re still standing, you’ve got to share. I’m still very much a work in progress.

How did you keep your pain hidden from the people closest to you? I lied. That’s what we do. Three of the hardest word in the English language to answer honestly are, “How are you?” when you’re the one other people look to.

Why is it so important to share your message with children? I think we set our kids up to fail when we don’t tell them how we’re really doing. They learn that the way to move through life is to lie and wear a mask. They’re smart and don’t miss anything. So when we lie and say we’re fine but we’re not, they know differently. We ought to share our frailty, our flaws, our challenges with them, and let them know how we pick ourselves up. We need to share with them the tools that we use to steady ourselves when we go though the fire. I tell them the hell I went through when I had my breakdown because they can see. Then, they start to open up in amazing ways because they’re unaccustomed to adults speaking the truth to them.

How successful do you feel now? I have to work on the happy part but I feel successful in that I am amazed that my life has come full circle. That everything I did along the way prepared me for such a time as this.

How would you define courage? Feeling the fear and doing it anyway because the fear is there but you just have to move through it. If you don’t get up every day with butterflies in your stomach and they don’t feel good, if means you’re going through life being pathetic or flat-lining. Whenever you have those butterflies it means that you’re about to challenge yourself and take your game to the next level.

What helps you move through it? I try to remember that there are people who go through a whole lifetime and they don’t have butterflies in their stomach. I know the butterflies mean I’m where I’m supposed to be.

What do you want white people and other races to understand about Black Pain? Be aware. When I flag a cab, especially at night, if I have a hat on I take it off because I have short hair. I have long earrings on so I cannot be mistaken for a brother. I try to have NY Times in my hand so I can flag the cab so the driver will see that there’s one with a NY Times, so maybe she’s okay. I start smiling literally when I get a glimpse of an available cab, so they will see there’s a friendly one. Maybe that one’s okay. I do that whenever I take a cab.

When black men walk too close to a white woman or get on the elevator, nine times out of ten she’s gonna clutch her bag closer to her arm or in some way convey fear. So it’s not easy to be a person of color on the planet. If you’re a big, tall black man and have a deep voice, you start to speak softer and smile extra, so you’re not so intimidating. You stand differently. One brother said he wears suits on weekends when he travels. A dark skinned black man tends to be more intimidating to others. So they smile extra to be perceived as nicer, better, like saying, “I’m not gonna hurt you.” All of those things, just because they become second nature to you, doesn’t mean they roll off your back. I try to be an aware person and know what other cultures experience. We really are all the same. We want and need the same thing.

What makes you grateful? I’m gratified because I get letters from people telling me that they’re relieved to see they’re not alone. More people have to read it to get to know who we are and why we kill each other every day in the streets. Black people understand for the first time understanding why they do what they do. I’ve heard from people in prisons who say, “I finally understand why I’m here. Now I know I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember.” I thank God every day to have been able to do that. It’s not an easy book to read. The tears flow.

What’s your best advice for someone who’s scared to move out of their current way of life or to try something new? You’ll be pathetic or flatline for the rest of your life if you don’t. Thank God that you’re scared, because it means that right before you is something that’s going to take your game to the next level. So go for it. Listen to your inner voice and treat everyone the same. You never know in what disguise God is coming to you.

Check out Black Pain: It Just Looks Like We're Not Hurting. It was recently released in paperback.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

Law of Attraction in Action: Prayers +

This is post 27 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

I once spoke at a Christian conference. Afterwards, a lovely woman who I’ll refer to as Laura, introduced herself and preceded to tell me about all the troubles she was going through. She assured me that she was a good Christian—her father was a minister—and she prayed for help each day. In fact, she had everyone in her church praying for her. Laura asked if I’d pray for her too. I reassured her that I would.

She was stunned when I then asked—“What are you doing for yourself besides praying?”

Laura stammered but no real answer came out. She looked confused. “Weren’t prayers enough?” she asked. No. When you have true faith, you don’t need to ask everyone you know to pray for you. By running to everyone she could find to help her pray, Laura put out a message that she was afraid her own requests wouldn’t be answered. That expresses doubt, which says you have a lack of faith in getting what you want.

Prayers without faith in the prayers won’t manifest good results!

There’s NOTHING wrong with praying. All prayers are good. But Laura’s fear was obvious. She didn’t expect to get them answered, so she turned to everyone, including me, to do it for her. Praying, like doing affirmations, can be empty words if your thoughts deny them. Once I was convinced that my prayers get answered when my thoughts are clear and faithful, I didn’t need others to pray for my. I know my intentions go directly to the source.

In order for prayers to work, you must also show that you’re serious about getting what you’re praying for.

It’s important to have concrete actions and thoughts that show you expect to get what you say you want. Laura was so busy counting on others to pray for her that she broke her own connection with God. I asked her if she talked to God or put herself in His hands with trust as she prayed. She looked sheepish. This woman, brought up in the church by a father who was a minister, was so scared and desperate to improve what was going wrong that she attracted more of the negatives. Laura asked me what she should do.

I suggested she work on developing her relationship with God and do what she could to put out positive thoughts about getting what she needed as she prayed.

Laura needed to talk to God while she prayed, share how scared she was, and, ask for guidance in getting past the fear. It’s critical to focus on what you’re looking forward to having when your troubles got resolved, instead of focusing on making problems go away. The latter keeps your thought on your problems, and the Law of Attraction brings more problems. The more Laura depended on others to pray for her to improve her life, the less she got because she wasn’t trusting that it would happen.

The more she thought about all that was wrong with her life and talked to others about it, the more Laura put those troubles out to the Universe and the more the Law of Attraction kept them coming!

I told her about a minister I once heard speak who changed my life. He was a crusty old Irishman and his delivery was crisp and bluntly when he said, “You can pray a lot, many times a day and before you go to bed. You can ask others to pray with you. But if that’s all you do, you know what the result will be? You’ll be the best darn praying person. And, you’ll always be praying for what you won’t get if you don’t get up and let your actions and thoughts show that you expect to get it.”

Praying is like the condiments in a meal. Strong positive intentions cook the main course of what you want.

You need both. Ever since I heard the minister talk I’ve redefined what it means to pray. For me, it doesn’t mean saying what I want and sitting back waiting to get it. If you’re not ready for a healthy romantic relationship, prayers alone won’t bring you one. But loving yourself more and becoming whole on your own shows God that you want the kind of romantic partner who is strong and loving too. If you want to be rich, watch for opportunities that can help you make more money and do the work to achieve it. If you want to move to a better living space, start looking for one as you ask God to show you the perfect space.

You can begin by asking to be shown the best opportunities for getting what you pray for, and take advantage of them to the best of your ability!

God often speaks to us by presenting situations. Watch for these! It may not be obvious that God is speaking to you when something unexpected happens or you see a good possibility for making money or you keep bumping into a neighbor who might be someone to date or the many other signs that God is communicating. Help the Law of Attraction to work with you to attract positive goodies by letting your actions reflect an effort to get it.

* Show yourself love and you’ll have the best chance of meeting more loving people.
* Improve your skills, try every opportunity, be the best employee you can be, and enjoy the money it can bring.
* Call realtors and search websites and papers for an apartment and the right one will come.
* Say thanks in advance for what you intend to get to show that you believe your getting it is a given.
* Get enough sleep and make eating healthy and exercise a priority to attract feeling better.

The next day, Laura greeted me with a smile. She had her first real talk with God and felt more hopeful than she had in ages. She was now actively praying by talking to God and felt it working. And she thought of some things she could do to help herself!

Give your prayers more punch with your intentional thoughts and actions and they’ll begin to work for you! And, always remember to say thank you when they’re answered, whether it’s when you see the results or like me, have strong enough faith that they’re coming so I know they're answered well before. ☺As you connect to your source, the prayers will become more real to you, and the good old Law of Attraction with work with, instead of against what you want.

See all the Law of Attraction in Action Series..

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

An Inside Look At Bulimia with Tamara Hey

As pressure for a perfect body motivates very poor decisions, more people, especially women, are suffering from eating disorders. It breaks my heart to see perfectly healthy individuals abuse their bodies in the name of losing weight. This in turn, abuses their souls, and their self-image.

It’s hard to love yourself when you hate your body!

Tamara Hey is a singer/songwriter who I’ve known and like for years. I’ve always enjoyed her straightforward lyrics. Sometimes biting, sometimes funny, often both, they tell the truth. Still, I was surprised to hear her perform Round Peg, a song on her latest album. It begins:

Round Peg doesn't fit in with all of us skinny chicks
But what I like most about her is that she doesn't give a shit
I wanna be her and let myself go
I bet she never stuck a finger down her throat

Could this lovely woman suffer from bulimia? I listened intently. I heard the emotions as she continued:

Round Peg couldn't care less, buttering both sides of the bread
Letting the crumbs fall to her chest, brushing them off and starting again
I wanna be her -- taking big bites
I'll bet she never let a mirror cut her down to size

The chorus—ROUND PEG, ROUND PEG—ROUND PEG, ROUND PEG—wove around the lyrics that gave such a clear feel of what it feels like to have a poor body image, poor enough to purge your food after eating. My heart went out as she sang:

Oh Peg, your chocolate birthday cake
I pushed the pieces around my plate
That sweet 16 left such a bitter taste

Round Peg, I cut you out -- with everything else good -- ounce by ounce
I shouldn't have done that, but I did, and now I'm down to bones and skin
I wanna be you -- laughing out loud
But I'm bitter in the center and no fun to be around

I asked Tamara if this was her truth. Yes, she’d suffered from bulimia. So I had to interview her about it! Tamara Hey is a singer/songwriter with 3 independently-released CDs, including "Miserably Happy" (November 2008). She "brings lighthearted optimism to a singer/songwriter genre often skewed toward the brooding and depressive", blend[ing] humor, sarcasm, wit, and introspection ... with tons of pop vibes. Here's what Tamara shared:

Why do you think you became bulimic? I can’t remember exactly what age I was, but I’m sure I was younger than 16; probably 14 or 15 years old. It was a “phase” that was short lived, but the state-of-mind doesn’t seem to wear off.

What motivated you to write Round Peg? I didn’t sit down with the intention of writing about bulimia. I had written down the potential title, “Round Peg” after hearing someone passing by say it mistakenly. The expression is really “Square Peg in a Round Hole”. She had it backward. I liked it and it was a challenge to come up with something the song could be about. When I realized what I was going to write, I was a little afraid. I had never considered writing a song about bulimia.

What does Round Peg represent? To me, Round Peg represents the kind of person the singer loathes and even fears yet wishes she could be. The singer is afraid to be fat. So afraid that she resorts to bulimia, hanging around with a clique of skinny girls who aren’t good friends. She befriends them because she knows that under their influence she will never become fat. She also envies Peg for her sense of self, freedom to enjoy life and just be who she is.

Was there a girl or type of girl that you saw as a Round Peg and envied? I can’t recall anyone specific. But even today, I admire women who are not afraid to wear clothes that show off what they’ve got physically. They seem comfortable with their shape no matter what it is, whereas, I think I never really will.

When you looked at the birthday cake, what did you see? In the lyric, the birthday cake was actually at Peg’s Sweet Sixteen. Fun foods like birthday cake, present me with a choice. If I decide to eat that birthday cake, then I have to face the challenge of not feeling bad about it; accepting that I ate it and move on.

How did you feel when you looked at yourself in the mirror? I almost never felt good. In fact, even today I purposely don’t have mirrors in my house – except for the bathroom cabinet mirror. I’m afraid that I’ll be tormented if I have mirrors in the house.

What made you so bitter? I used the term “bitter” in the lyric as a metaphor: an empty, acidic stomach and a bitter personality.

How did you finally turn it around? I woke up feeling really sick; dizzy and shaky. I knew I had to stop. And I did.

How do you feel now when you perform Round Peg? I feel really good. At first I was nervous about revealing something so personal. But now I enjoy it. As a song, it’s really fun to sing and the arrangement is just the right combination of strange/circus and a little mean. Also, more than one woman has come up to me after a show to tell me that they really like the song. I think maybe they are telling me that they can relate.

How do you feel now about yourself? I feel pretty good, but unfortunately, I will always have the insecure, bulimic teenager inside. I’m very weight conscious. I don’t starve, but I’m careful.

What did you learn? I learned that making myself sick is not the solution to any problem.

What does the title of your album, Miserably Happy, mean? To me, “Miserably Happy” means not allowing myself to be totally happy about a something. But with that song, I’m trying to show that I’m aware of this tendency and I can laugh about it. Many people have told me that “Miserably Happy” describes me very well.

What advice would you give to someone who tells you they’re bulimic, or who seems obsessed with losing weight? Being thinner probably won't solve what's really troubling you. Figure out what's really going on. Seek help from someone you can trust to be objective about your situation—a doctor, a therapist, maybe a friend.
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Bulimia or anorexia or fad diets, etc. are NOT healthy under any circumstances! While I do advocated being fit, losing weight in ways that harm your body isn’t getting fit. I just got a product I heard about called Slim Shots. It’s an all natural small cup with a blend of palm and oat oils that works in the ileum to trigger a feeling of fullness. I had one today and actually felt no urge to munch all day. That’s unusual! But it was only one time. I’m going to keep using them and I’ll report later on about whether they work well regularly.

Taming your appetite naturally so you can eat less is a MUCH healthier way to lose weight. No matter how you feel about your body, learn from Tamara’s painful lessons. Respect your body enough to lose or maintain weight in healthy ways. Check out Tamara and her music at http://www.tamarahey.com/

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Law of Attraction in Action: Valentine’s Day

This is post 26 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read the posts in this series to see how.

Saturday is Valentine’s Day, which I call V-Day. It’s a day when MANY women wait for love to be specially expressed and romance to abound. It’s also a day when many men get stressed or feel pressure to accommodate the expectations of their partners. And it’s also a day when many single women feel depressed, like they’re missing out on love. The expectations and longings on V-Day get blown up and create disproportionate expectations for one day of love.

Many emotions are stirred on February 14th each year! We give this one day so much importance.

I admit that I’m a hopeless romantic. I love sweet gestures and getting flowers and other surprises. But love isn’t about obligation. It also isn’t about forcing someone to express it with gifts. But that’s what happens on this day designated for love. I laugh when I see men lined up at delis buying flowers and in drug stores buying last minute candy and stuffed animals and any other things to impress their ladies.

This is all done as single chicks struggle to survive the day of love without a special man.

I used to get depressed on V-Day if I didn’t have someone to bring me flowers. I’d often get together with a friend to commiserate a lack of love. Every time we saw someone walk by with flowers we had an ouch moment. Actually, we’d torture ourselves. If I didn’t see the flowers, she’d point it out and vice versa. We’d moan about not having a guy and share how much we both wanted to be in a relationship. I found it funny that the days before and after I was fine about being single.

But February 14th brought out the needy in me as it does in many people.

We’re inundated with ads for romantic endeavors and gifts for a while before this targeted day for love. It can make even the strongest chick long for what we see or read about. Single men can feel the sadness too if they want to be in a relationship. I’d bet that there’s a lot of depression on V-Day when it’s supposed to be a day to honor love. Even people in relationships feel let down from the pressure to buy the right gift or do the right thing. And the disappointment when your partner doesn’t come up with the most romantic ways possible to express love.

BUT---LOVE ISN’T A ONCE A YEAR DEAL! Putting so much into the love you get, or don’t get, on February 14th demeans what love really is.

When I was a DoorMat I waited in expectation for the guy I was with to make me feel loved. But the roses I got didn’t change that I still felt lousy about me; even hated myself often. The roses or dinner or one night display of affection was like a small band aid on a HUGE wound. That wound was from not loving myself. Now that I’ve left DoorMatville, whether I’m with a guy or not, I celebrate myself on V-Day. Then I always get the love I want the most—from ME!

When you get depressed on Valentine’s Day, you tell the Law of Attraction you have a lack love, which results in continuing to feel unloved.

Pay attention to all the love around you, whether it’s romantic or a kind neighbor, family member or friend. Love comes in all kinds of packages, but it’s still love and should be appreciated all year long. It may not feel the same as a romantic partner on V-Day but can still be satisfying. I once was in London on V-Day. I used to go there regularly when I had my record label and I stayed in a bed and breakfast owned by a family I became friends with.

I was particularly friendly with Bernard, one of the brothers who owned it. He saw how down I was about having no love on V-Day. I saw people carrying flowers but none were for me. When I returned to my room later, there was a stuffed bear holding a bouquet of roses—“with love from your friend Bernard.” We weren’t romantically involved but it made a big impact on my heart. I kept that bear for many years as a reminder of how pure and delightful a loving gesture like that can be.

The biggest love that should be nurtured on V-Day is what you give to YOU!

Strong self-love makes it easier to navigate the emotions on February 14th and gives it a lot less importance than what the media hypes it to be. Loving yourself is not only valid love, but it’s the most critical and valuable kind. You can give it any time, any place, whether you’re single or in a relationship.

Being loving to yourself sends the message that you deserve love, and therefore you’ll attract more of it.

I learned this a few years ago when I broke up with someone just before the “big” day. He was very romantic and I’d looked forward to receiving roses and other goodies. But, he’d done something that I knew couldn’t be excused just for this reason. I began to get depressed when I went out and saw what seemed to be everyone carrying roses but me. My initial response was to feel unloved. But as I began to indulge in self-pity, I remembered:

The greatest gift to yourself is to love yourself. I made a vow that V-Day to honor that love!

I imagined the most perfect rose in my head. It was yellow, with rusty orange edges and I went on a mission to find it. I just wanted on perfect rose. I finally found it in a florist shop for 10 bucks. That’s right! I spend 10 bucks on ONE rose! I’m worth it! It gave me such pleasure to be able to make myself feel so good from buying that rose. I’ve been buying myself a bouquet of flowers every week for years, but this was the first time I’d bought a rose. Now I do it occasionally just because, even when it’s not V-Day!

The heck with waiting for a guy to do it! I love me and if I have a boyfriend, I’m loved even more, since I’m already loved without one. V-Day is now Self-Love Day to me!

Honor yourself on Saturday, whether you’re in a relationship or not. Do something special for you. Be loving and kind. There’s nothing like self-love for being consistent and always available. It’s not a substitute for the love of someone else. Even when I’m in love with a guy, I’m in love with myself too. Guys may come and go but I’m here to stay! This Saturday I’m planning a healthy day, since keeping myself fit and healthy is a super gift of self-love.

The more you show yourself love, the more the Law of Attraction responds with more love. Corny as it sounds, LOVE does make my world joyous. Money is nice. Possessions are nice. Flowers are nice. But LOVE is priceless! Indulge in self-love and allow the Law of Attraction to return it with more joy.

HAPPY SELF-LOVE DAY TO ALL OF YOU! ☺

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Bah Humbug Girl

Today I emailed a writer I’m friendly with, who I’ll call Lynn, to tell her about a story she might pitch to a magazine about my new rap video. Her immediate response was telling me all the reasons that no magazine would accept the idea. I didn’t argue with her since I’m tired of it. But it reminded me of why she always struggles to get work.

Lynn is a very nice person. Sweet as can be. The kind of person people would say that deserves lots of good things to come to her.

But, whenever I see Lynn and ask how she’s doing, she snarls and complains that it’s hard to make a living. Editors are difficult to deal with and close-minded about in her eyes. Life is a struggle to Lynn. Her moaning makes me uncomfortable about answering when she asks how I am. She’s envious when I say my editors are a pleasure to deal with and very open-minded.

She thinks I’m lucky. I think that we both get what we expect.

Lynn carries herself like she has the weight of the world on her. Her smile is melancholy. She rarely seems happy and dwells on how rotten editors are to work with. I however, am usually in love with life and radiate joy. And while I like some more than others, I’m fine with all my editors. Yes, there are snags along the way as people will be people. But for the most part, I consider my work relationships as blessed as my personal ones.

I’ve tried to talk to Lynn about changing her attitude but just get arguments about how I don’t understand. But I do, all too well, though not in the way she thinks.

Yes, we get back what we give out from the Law of Attraction and Lynn sure manifests her expectations! But besides that, people can feel your attitude. When you expect someone to tear your idea apart, they can feel it. I try to be friendly to everyone, even when they don’t seem the kind of warm and fuzzy people I like. It gets me so much more than going to someone on edge, waiting for the ax to drop, the way Lynn does.

She also puts up her own roadblocks by deciding that someone won’t say yes, hence not even asking.

When you find yourself getting consistently turned down for what you’re going after, monitor your thoughts right before and right after. What’s your mood going in? Is there something in your voice or tone or the words you use that could be making the person consider turning you down? There are many things that can be like red flags to people you ask for something. Some common ones are:

* Are you apologetic when you ask? An apologetic tone is a red flag to someone you’re asking something from. It tells the person you’re not sure you should be asking. That makes them consider more if they should be hesitant to work with you. Roadblock alert! When I was a DoorMat I apologized for everything. It’s a wonder I didn’t say I was sorry for being born! ☺ Then I’d complain like Lynn that people are difficult to get cooperation from. Now I know that I was the difficult one. Save apologies for when you’re truly wrong and keep them out of your verbal interactions.

* Do you preface requests with a version of, “you probably won’t like this but…” I hear that said often. When it’s said to me, I expect to not like what the person is going to ask for. Self-sabotage alert! When you live in DoorMatville, you often feel unworthy and folks view you as such because of how you communicate. Before you ask, convince yourself of why the person will like it. If you can’t, don’t waste your time asking! YOU must believe it’s good before you can convince others.

* Does your voice radiate a total lack of confidence? If you sound very unsure of yourself, people will be unsure of you. Confidence buster alert! I stammered through requests. That sure won’t make a good impression! Even if you’re nervous, fake confidence by speaking slowly and definitively. Save your ums’ and repeated “reallys” for friends. Make a conscious effort to state your case clearly in a calm, decisive voice, in as few words as possible.

* If you’re in person do you slump or avoid eye contact? This screams insecurity. Body language alert! No matter how insecure you truly are, you can fake pulling your shoulders back, holding your head high and looking the person in the eye (without staring him or her down!). That just takes consciousness, not real confidence, but it can lead to building your confidence as you get better results.

* Does your attitude reflect that you expect to be turned down or to have a confrontation like Lynn’s does? Every mention she makes of getting new assignments has an edge of defeat in it. Do you do that? I used to feel defeated from the starting gate and it showed in my expectation as I waited to be turned down. Self-kicking in the butt alert! Now I approach people with the true excitement I feel. It can be contagious!

* Are you friendly or somber? Being friendly always gives you a leg up. Sounding somber brings people down. Smile alert! Force a smile. It puts you into a better mood and will do that to the people you interact with. It’s hard to be somber when you’re passionate about what you ask for! Enthusiasm gets people on board. Somber makes people want to move on. Save somber for funerals and curl those lips NOW!

It doesn’t matter how unlikely what you want may seem or how many people tell you it won’t happen. Had I listened to those voices, I’d still be unhappily living in DoorMatville. I wouldn’t have become the first white female rapper or had 10 books published with 2 more under contact. I bucked systems and nay-sayers when I wanted to do something and proved many folks wrong.

When my last book came out, a big newspaper wrote something negative about it. I’d just convinced Lynn to pitch a story to that paper on a different angle about my book. She emailed to say she wasn’t going to bother since the review wasn’t good. I argued that the secondary story was till good. She balked. I danced with her until she finally agreed to pitch it to get me off her dance card.

No one was more shocked than Lynn when the story ran. My energy overrode hers!

I got Lynn’s email saying there’s no point in pitching a story about how I, the first white female rapper, was making a music video of my first rap, Girls Can Do after being motivated by writing my 2 new books. She said no one would care since I’m older now. Hello! I think it’s a great story and it will get written, but not by Lynn. I’m tired of dancing with the bah humbug girl and will just nicely send her a link to the first article about me. ☺

Watch for self-imposed roadblocks. It can be hard enough to follow your dreams without YOU standing in your own way. Having done that for MANY years, I can attest that dissolving the blocks and being open to all of life’s goodies creates a much better and joyously happier life than being a bah humbug person. Pay attention to your attitude. If it’s not going in a direction to enhance your life, make the effort to alter it. Then you can see why this recovering DoorMat wakes up smiling every day. ☺

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Law of Attraction in Action: Step-by-Step

This is post 25 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day!

Last week someone commented on my post about how trust allows the Law of Attraction to work better. She said she tries to trust but it’s not easy. It’s not! You won’t just read my post and implement trust, which has to be earned--trust in yourself and in the Law of Attraction’s ability to manifest.

Developing trust in being able to count on your spiritual power is a process to develop—a delightful, generous process that brings more and more smiles as it works!

Most change takes time--to let go of old beliefs and doubts so that the Law of Attraction can work for you. When I was a DoorMat I was also a doubting atheist. So if I could get to a place of total trust, anyone can! I was an atheist but I also was a good person. When I read You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, I recognized that I lived by some of the spiritual principles she discussed. But trusting was another story. I did want to, as I’m sure you do too. So I slowly began to test the water.

Consciously manifesting with the Law of Attraction isn’t hard in the true sense of hard. But it is hard to let go of doubt, which thwarts the process. You CAN do it if you’re patient and open-minded. The biggest roadblock to doing it is probably YOU. That said, the biggest asset for manifesting is YOU! So it’s YOUR choice. Here’s some concrete suggestions:

* Don’t fight it with logical arguments. I’m astounded by how many people I work with or encounter say they want to use the Law of Attraction and then give me every reason why it may not work for them. It doesn’t matter what happened in the past. EVERYONE is capable of manifesting!

* Make a conscious decision to try. It may sound obvious but since your thoughts and intentions create your reality, you may have some that say you can’t. This is the beginning of letting go of old bad habits that blocked manifesting. “I intend to manifest what I choose to.” Then choose to! Keep saying it until it feels right and you feel more passion about it.

* Start small. Test your power on something simple. Louise Hay suggests beginning with finding a parking spot. I had a car when I read that and it worked! I affirmed that I had a good spot and got one every time I truly focused on manifesting. My dentist was almost positive that I’d need surgery on a tooth that was inflamed. While I waited for the results of the xray, I affirmed that my tooth would be easy to heal. He returned and said I was very lucky. He found something minimal that caused my problem and it didn’t take much to fix it. I knew it wasn’t luck! When I saw my affirmations work, I tried other things. The more it worked the more I trusted, like going up a long staircase, one step at a time.

* Be realistic. Don’t expect big miracles overnight, unless you’re ready, willing and able to surrender total trust to let it happen. Yes, YOU let it happen, or not. As your trust increases as you see your efforts working, you can try for bigger things. But you can’t just wish for a million bucks, or a bicycle like in The Secret, and wake up to find it. Your soul had to see it and believe it’s coming. It took me years to get to bigger miracles. The most important thing is that you eventually reach your goals.

* Focus on what’s best for your highest good. Sometimes what you want may not be what’s best for your highest good. But you want it! If you do get it, you may not feel the satisfaction you expected. As your trust increases, ask for what’s in your highest good. I’ll express what I want and then add that I’d like it IF it’s in my highest good. Or, if it’s not, please send me what is. That shows you trust!

* Practice accepting what happens. It may not be what you want but it may be the best way. When things don’t go as planned, I say, “Everything happens for a reason.” I always look for the reason later and find it! You may think that something has to happen or you need to have gratification right now only to discover that wasn’t true. Acceptance brings satisfying results!

* Ask God (or whatever spiritual power you believe in, or want to) to forgive you for having doubts since it’s hard to let go of them, and for support in getting past doubts. It’s normal to have old messages pop into your head as you try to put out positive thoughts and support them with belief. I still do! Don’t get angry or frustrated. Acknowledge that you have them and want to get rid of them. Ask for forgiveness for having doubts and for support in overriding them to manifest. In situations where I’ve had a lot of things go wrong in the past, old memories still come up when I’m in the situation again. But I thank God for understanding that it’s hard to let go of old memories and fears that negative things will happen. Then I manifest!

* Ask God (or whatever spiritual power you believe in, or want to) for a sign and WATCH carefully. When I’ve felt down, I’ve asked for a sign that He was listening. I’ve ALWAYS gotten one. I’m sure you do too but like I used to be, it can be hard to recognize those signs. Now I do! Once when I was down and thinking that maybe I should find another profession, I got one fan letter after another. I get them every day but this day they came in a barrage. I knew that was God saying to hang in. I lightened my mood and my situation changed. Another time I was waiting for news and it didn’t look good. I again asked for a sign. My whole day went in synch. Everyone I called, mainly people who are hard to catch, answered the phone. Traffic lights that are always red when I walk across town turned green as I got to the corner. It was amazing.

Many people would see all these things as coincidences. I recognize them as God speaking to me, letting me know he’s with me. Even if that’s not true, if I believe it is, I expect what I need to come, and that works. So if it’s just a mental thing, I’m down with that if it helps me manifest goodies!

Slowly work yourself to developing trust in being able to manifest with your thoughts and faith. Give it as much time as you need to really get it into your head that you'll get the support you believe will come. Trusting in the Law of Attraction will truly reward you when you build enough trust to allow it to.

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Taking Charge for Me

I have a hand-me-down table and chairs in my dining area. It’s what people see first when they walk into my apartment. I’ve never liked them but they served a purpose. I got used to using this table and chairs and they became part of my normal environment. Someone close to me offered to buy me new chairs for the holidays. I was surprised but she said it was long overdue. I turned her offer down, but it made me more conscious that I needed new furniture.

So I promised myself that when I got my next really good book deal, I’d splurge on a new dinette set. I got a good deal this week!

I live in Manhattan, without a car, and have little access to one. I looked online for dinette sets but preferred to see the furniture in person before buying anything, especially after reading bad reviews about chairs I liked a lot. I wracked my brain trying to figure out who could help me. I’ve always depended on people with cars, and preferably some strength. But most of my friends don’t have cars. I felt frustrated, until it hit me.

I had to handle it myself! I liked the idea of being more self-sufficient.

So yesterday I looked online at Ikea’s selection and found a table and chairs I liked. But they weren’t available online. Bah! I thought about renting a car but it’s very pricy in the city. Normally when I do, I go to Long Island, as Enterprise has a great weekend special. But that meant killing a lot of time and I’m time deprived with 2 book deals on short deadlines and 2 new books about to be launched. I saw there was an Ikea in Brooklyn. Daylle normally doesn’t go to Brooklyn! But it was near the first stop from Manhattan. They have a bus from the subway station.

I thought about it all day and in the late afternoon, on the spur of the moment, I hopped on the subway and headed to Brooklyn.

It was very cold. There was a little wait for the free shuttle bus but was way too far to walk. So I focused on how happy I was to be taking control of getting what I needed. When I arrived I was revved! I chose the table and chairs I wanted. I asked sales rep what they charge to have it shipped. Seems they have a flat fee for a delivery—100 bucks! The guy assured me it was good because I could get a lot of furniture for that one fee.

But I didn’t need a lot of furniture! My unassembled table was bulky and heavy but the chairs weren’t. I wasn’t going to buy more to take advantage of this flat fee delivery charge!

I chatted up some friendly salespeople and asked for suggestions. One told me there were livery cabs out front. She warned me to be careful, since they can charge inflated rates. I smiled and said I’m a New Yorker, used to negotiating and went to get my table and chairs. The table is quite heavy. I tried to pull it off the shelf, as Ikea has a self-service system. My mind went to thoughts of having to skip buying the table that night and trying to find someone strong to come with me at another time to get the table.

But I wanted to get it now! So I decided that I find a way. Determined, I saw 2 guys in the aisle and asked if they’d help me get the table into the rack underneath my shopping cart.

They did! It barely fit. They had to put it so it stuck out on both sides, making it hard to maneuver the cart and get around. Still determined, I slowly walked the cart to the checkout. Then I walked outside to find a ride. A guy ran over. He was with a group of drivers, looking for people to make money from. He said $50 to take me home, which wasn’t close, but I felt this was too much. So I said no. He went down to $40. I said $35. He refused and walked away. I finally agreed to $40.

Then another guy ran over and said he’d take me for $35. I’d already agreed to the $40. Old thoughts played ping-pong as they went through my head.

* It wasn’t nice to go back on the agreement, BUT, why shouldn’t I pay less?
* He’d already walked me out, pushing my cart, BUT the other guy actually seemed more pleasant. The first one seemed surly.

The people pleaser would have felt obligated to go with the first guy under the guise of trying to be nice. But I don’t live in DoorMatville anymore! Yet I’d agreed to pay him what he asked. Wasn’t it the nice thing to do to go with him? NO!

I’m still nice but knew that paying more to a guy who seemed unpleasant wasn’t nice.

So I went with the other guy. He agreeably loaded my stuff without letting me help. I’m sure the other guy would have grumbled about how heavy the table was. We had a nice conversation as we drove. The other guy would have been silent and I’d have felt uncomfortable. When we got to my building, the driver insisted on carrying the table all the way into my elevator since my doorman said he couldn’t carry it. I ended up giving him $40 anyway, since he’d been so nice and helpful.

My doorman didn’t want me to have to drag the table from the elevator to my door so he locked the front door, got a dolly, and helped me bring it into my apartment. I’ve been nice to him and he wanted to help me. Today I’ll put it together. It feels so good knowing that step-by-step, I manifested ways to get my table and chairs home. I took control and by doing so, solutions came. A friend can’t imagine how I got such a heavy table home. But it really wasn’t tough.

I never had to lift it—not once! All along the way home I expected to get help and got it.

Most tasks are do-able when you have faith and determination. And it can work out for your highest good when you make what’s best for you a priority, without hurting someone. I felt proud that I got on the subway and went to get my furniture. I also felt proud that I didn’t succumb to old “be nice” messages that would have put me in the car with the first guy. It all worked out because it was my intention! Life is so much sweeter when you take care of yourself with faith that everything will work out!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!