Is the Economy Making You Fat?

I just read an article in Ad Age entitled, Does This Economy Make My Butt Look Big? It talks about how many of the various weight loss programs are suffering as people have less money to spend. I imagine that gyms are getting fewer people as well. People can spend less on losing weight so they might now be packing on more pounds.

So now we have another excuse for gaining weight!

I found that whole idea a shame. Many people use companies like Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig to manage their weight but haven’t learned a lot of what they teach. Don’t get me wrong, I think these organizations are terrific and help many people. They teach a healthier way of eating and viewing food. But it’s hard to grasp why people would give up on themselves if they have to stop going. I truly hope this isn’t happening on a large scale (pun intended!).

It’s hard to take weight off and maintain the loss if you don’t feel good about you, with or without support.

As I worked on loving myself more and building better self-esteem, losing weight became easier. I control my eating for the sake of being self-loving, not just to look better for others. It’s for ME! I want good health and to feel good. Carrying around extra pounds doesn’t feel as good. It’s so important to take the lessons you learned from whatever support you may get and use it even if you’re on your own.

Organizations that help you lose weight, or to get anything else under control should be used as a learning tool, not a crutch.

When you love yourself and want to feel good, you have the best motivation. When my personal trainer isn’t around (or I want to save a few bucks one week), I work out myself. I know how to. Yes, it’s more helpful when he’s there pushing me to new heights or spotting me on the weights. But I know enough not to give up if he’s not there.

With money tighter and the economy bad, I’ve actually made it work in my favor and have lost more weight!

Being budget conscious, I’ve used the economy as an “excuse” to cut back on my more calorie laden eating. In restaurants, I eat less and take more home. I’ll add veggies if necessary or some beans. etc. to have healthier substance to make a second meal. It’s led to eating smaller portions of red meat (which I don’t eat much of anymore) and chicken. As I slowly cut back on my portion sizes, I noticed a small weight loss. I’ve actually been spending less money too!

I didn’t do this to lose weight. I just saw prices going up in restaurants and at the supermarket, and wanted to be more economical.

It’s YOUR choice to eat healthier, less, or more. When you truly love yourself and want to get into better shape, go to a mirror and say, “I love you and want to make you healthier.” Reinforce it as an affirmation until you believe it. Go to Weight Watchers, etc. when you can. But don’t look for excuses to eat more or more unhealthy. That’s YOUR decision, not your fate because the economy isn’t good.

Find ways to take advantage of the bad economy instead of lamenting it. I now prefer my smaller portions, and the results. Americans eat way too much anyway!

If you change your lifestyle a little to flow with the rising prices, you can find alternative ways to feel good in a not so good environment. It begins with changing your perception of what’s going on and looking for the good in what’s not so good. You can if you don’t let it get you down. Because I’m happy, I feel no lack in these days of a bad economy. Except for a few pounds I didn’t need!

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Can I Get…?

I went out for lunch today to a diner. A guy came in, also by himself. He knew what he wanted. But, instead of just saying what it was, he asked, “May I have eggs, over easy?” I’ve heard this many times before when people were in a place that they paid for a good or service, yet asked for it, instead of just saying what they want. “I’d like 2 eggs, over easy.”

Many people ask for what they have a right to expect.

Yet it’s so common. I did it all the time when I was a DoorMat. It reinforced how powerless I felt. I couldn’t just receive anything, even if I was paying for it! So I’d ask like the person was doing me a favor instead of giving me what I was entitled to. And each time I did was a reminder that I wasn’t worthy.

“Could I trouble you for some more coffee?” Why is it trouble? The waiter’s job is to get you what you want. Then you pay for it.

“Can you fix my broken toilet?” to the maintenance person. Do you really want to give him a choice? What if his answer is “no?” Do you live without a working toilet? Besides hurting your self-image, asking for what you definitely should get sets a tone for the person to take you less seriously. A waiter may not rush to refill your water if you speak like everything he does is a favor, instead of his job. Your plumber may save you for the last stop. The bartender may ignore you if it’s very busy. “My I have a glass of wine?” can leave you thirsty. “One glass of Chianti please” gets taken more seriously.

Yet both men and women often ask apologetically, instead of just stating what they want. Your choice of words sets a strong tone for your self-esteem, and your confidence. Pay attention to how you ask for things. It’s one thing to ask for a favor. Getting acquiescence for one isn’t a given. But when it’s something you pay for, you should state your needs and sound like you expect to get what you want.

When I say this in a workshop, often I’m challenged with arguments that it’s not polite to just tell someone what you want. But it is. You can still be polite. “I’d like 2 eggs, over easy. Thanks.” I always say thank you when someone brings me what I want. I express my appreciation to waiters, service people and anyone else I buy something from or use the services of. But it’s because I do appreciate the job they do. It feels a lot better than acting like a child asking mommy for something.

I think the tendency to ask instead of stating it comes from childhood. Kids ask for everything. Some learn they have to wheedle to get what they want. When your self-esteem grows as you grow into an adult, you might just naturally switch into a different way to say what you want. But if you’re like I was, I still felt like a child who was afraid of being turned down for everything I asked for. So I’d ask apologetically or like I was afraid they’d say “no.”

I had to consciously battle my old DoorMat ways for a while; listen to how I put my needs out. I realized when I just stated, I felt better about me. That was good motivation to continue expressing what I wanted in ways that showed I expected results. Be more definite in your expectations of what you ask for. When done with a smile and appreciation, it’s usually a win/win experience.

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Interview with Yehuda Berg

I’m delighted to share an interview with Yehuda Berg, author of The Spiritual Rules of Engagement (Kabbalah Publishing, 2008) and a noted kabbalistic scholar and co-director of The Kabbalah Centre International. He’s also the author of many books, including the bestselling, the Power of Kabbalah. The Spiritual Rules of Engagement is a small, easy to read book that packs a lot of spiritual wisdom for finding and maintaining a loving romantic relationship. It’s endorsed by Ashton Kutcher, who credits Yehuda Berg’s teachings for the success of his marriage.

The rules in this book aren’t about game-playing. They guide you to use the spiritual laws and the technology behind them to become a person who can recognize your soulmate and nuture the relationship. The book explains the spiritual reasons behind the way men and women think differently.

While The Spiritual Rules of Engagement is written for women, men would learn from it too. Besides telling you how to recognize your soulmate, there’s an emphasis on the importance of working on loving your partner more and more as the years pass so that your relationship continues to deepen and get stronger. Here’s what Yehuda Berg had to say:

You referred to Kabbalah as a spiritual technology. What’s the thinking behind that? People view Kabbalah as a religion. It’s not a religion. You don’t know exactly how exactly a computer works but you know it’s a technology you need to send emails, and other things. Our spiritual work is the same thing. We may not always understand every part, but at the end of the day if we follow certain rules, there are certain places we’re going to get to and certain results we’re going to get. Besides countering the religion aspect, it’s an actual technology. You don’t have to do anything. There’s no judgment. There’s conscious choices and conscious results or actions.

How does a man and woman either attract or repel each other? Unlike what’s very popular with the Law of Attraction, Kabbalah believes in the law of what’s similar. If I’m similar to someone, I bring them closer. If someone is further from me, I draw them away. So if I want a positive person in my life I need to be working towards being that. If I want someone who could support me, I need to be able to support somebody else. Whatever it is that I want to get in this life, I need to open a space in me to bring that into my life. It’s not just the intention; not just thinking. Yes, you do need all the proper intentions and thoughts. But you also need action. If you take the intention plus the action it will make us either similar or take us further apart.

Why did you write The Spiritual Rules of Engagement for women? I wrote this book for women because I’ve found that it’s usually women who are not taking their role to where they need to. The support and emotions are the role of the woman. In Kabbalah, the woman is the make or break person. The guy just wants to be told what to do and he’ll do it. Men are action oriented. Tell us “go capture that flag” and we go. We can conquer the world but need a support system.

In what ways do women run relationships? The woman is the person with the GPS navigation system about where the relationship, and the guy, will go. It’s not an outward control that tells your man he must do this or that. It’s really an internal understanding of your power. I go through this in the book and write it for people who have almost no background. Once a woman understands her power and her role, a quiet internal power and navigation happens, as opposed to an outward expression of control.

Would you say it’s about a woman learning to control herself? It’s totally about controlling herself. We each have certain tendencies that always lead to chaos, that we need to get a handle on. You can’t just shut it down it down because somewhere it will explode. Ask yourself, “how can I control this or use it for something good?” We all have things that blow us out—anger, depression, jealousy. We have to make sure that we have whatever has taken us down before in relationships, under control.

What mistakes do you see women make in how they handle themselves with men? Women often don’t find their place in a relationship. If they are in a victim consciousness, they want to be in a relationship and will take whatever he does, sometimes even accepting emotional or physical abuse and accepting things as is, just because they want this and will be a total victim to have it. Then afterwards, they ask, “Why was all of this done to me?” But you are actually part of the problem. Not everything was done to you. You could have said no at any point.

Some women go to the other extreme of complete control. They think, “No one is going to mess with me or hurt me. I’m going to make sure that I’m in complete control of this relationship.” Both of those extremes tend to be the problem. The very great and amazing middle is where a woman knows her role and the power that she has to navigate a relationship and understands:

* Where she needs to support and strengthen the guy
* When to let him be by himself

And there needs to be a balance between the go, go, go energy of a guy who’s constantly action oriented and not words oriented, and a woman who uses more words and emotions. Find that balance without being a victim or trying to be in complete control.

Please explain “receiving for the sake of sharing.” In The Spiritual Rules of Engagement, I talk about that we can work our whole lives to receive for ourselves. There a maximum capacity for how much you can receive. But the moment we let others receive with us, we receive for the sake of sharing. “How can I really share this with my family?” This doesn’t mean working twenty hours a day so your grandchildren can have money. Meanwhile you don’t see your kids. So are you really sharing? No, you’re taking.

You need to find a balance where your existence still has a “me existence,” because that’s our nature,” but you can find a way to include others, which starts with family and friends. Eventually there’s a kind of global responsibility we feel—we’re in this boat together on one planet. Each person needs to find a little something they can do to help this world. Part of life challenges is to surround yourself with a small group, whether it’s a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, children, friends, that really are there for you unconditionally. That can only happen if you receive and take from this world with others in mind also.

You said the order of a relationship is meet, marry, love? This is the essence of this book. So often the goal is to be with the girl or guy. People can be together for ten years, get married, and get divorced six months later. What’s the goal for most people? Being together or getting married? Most Hollywood movies end with the kiss on the beach or at the wedding. But that’s just the beginning of the work in Kabbalah. A person who’s with someone for ten years should have greater love for that person than at five years, or one. If you know more about your partner in ten years and love less, you really didn’t know them before. This is one of the biggest challenges in life. The more you know someone, the more layers they reveal, the more garbage. So you should love them even though and even more because of who they are.

What advice would you give for some who complains about never meeting a potential romantic partner? There’s three levels—shut down, open and desperate. Some people say they want to be in a relationship but don’t really want to be. They’re shut down. To them I recommend doing anything to go out on a date and break the cycle of “I don’t want to.” If someone is desperate, they need to work on their desperation. A person who’s really open and not desperate should continue to work on her life. See if there’s something in the past that’s still inside you that hurts—something you didn’t close from your last relationship. If you feel there are no men to meet, it means there’s something a little off. Think about whether there’s something underneath why there’s no one. Ask yourself “where in me am I not letting a man in?”

What your best advice for developing a loving relationship? Ask yourself why you want to be in one. If the answer is, “I don’t want to be alone,” buy a dog. If you’re answer is, “I want to be able to share everything of me with someone,” now you’re talking! But too often we look to find the person and not someone we want to have something special with. Do you want to just have someone, or someone to take care of you? That’s not a good reason.

Check out Yehuda Berg's book, The Spiritual Rules of Engagement (Kabbalah Publishing, 2008). It can help you from the beginning of a relationship or to help make a relationship stronger.

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When Obligations Are Plain Old Dumb!

A guy recently told me he’s miserable because his ex-wife and her kid are living with him until she can afford to move out. She wanted the divorce, moved on and dates other men. Yet he feels an obligation to take care of her and her kid. After all, he’s the man! And men are supposed to take care of women, aren’t they?

NO! Men are not the protectors of the world, just as women aren’t the nurturers.

This guy still loves his ex-wife and is losing his sanity from her indifference toward him and his feelings. Yet he felt—as a man—an obligation to let her stay with him. He’d hurt when she left for a date. He cried if she stayed out all night. It’s hard enough to end a relationship with someone you love. But watching the one you love get on with their life while you suffer is intolerable.

Many guys take a “be a man” approach to situations that need fixing or women who need rescuing. It’s culturally instinctive—one of those stereotypes that many men still adopt.

I dated a guy who told me from the get-go that he was a boy scout. He made a big point of telling me that. Many times. His dad brought him up to help others. Make everyone happy when he could. His emphasis on being a boy scout alerted me that he had problems. He offered to do all sorts of favors for me, to the point of seeming abnormal. Yet he was a nice looking guy, VERY financially stable, in a VERY powerful business with a company he owned.

But his identity revolved around being Mr. Boy Scout.

I think we ended because he got frustrated that I didn’t need him to rush to my aid if something went wrong. Or try to find things to do for me when things were going right. Heaven forbid I tried to do something nice for him! That wasn’t part of his agenda. He had to be the one doing all the giving. It made him feel more like a man!

Often the need to take care of a woman becomes a need to be in control at all times.

It eventually became obvious that Mr. Boy Scout with all that power had a very low self-image and needed to do things and care for others to feel good about himself, often at his own expense. We stopped seeing each other after I gave him some guidance on how to be more self-loving. He was determined to learn how to love himself. I had so much compassion for him and his programmed need to be Mr. Boy Scout.

The cavalier guy I mentioned first sacrifices his comfort and dignity to “be a man.” Meanwhile, Wifey happily takes advantage of “the man” and does what she pleases while his heart breaks and his self-esteem crumbles. I told him to get her out as an act of self-love and sent him chapters from the manuscript of my book, How Do I love Me? Let me Count the Ways. He’s now focusing on getting stronger by being more loving to himself and trusting in his spiritual faith.

It’s important to nurture your own needs and provide yourself with happiness—first. When you’re more self-loving, you begin to love yourself more. Stereotypes that push you to make other people’s need more important than your own well being are ones that need to be broken – fast!

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Nasty Bosses

I was at a diner I like recently and asked my usual waitress if she felt better, since the last time I was there, they said she went home sick. She whispered to me that she’d has a run-in with the manager and got so upset she felt physically ill for 2 days. I asked what happened. Charlotte said the boss picked on her for unfair reasons. Really railed her. Not long ago, I witnessed this same guy lose his temper with a waiter, who quit on the spot. Yet he continues to verbally attack his staff.

There are many people who can’t control their anger or frustration. But, they NEVER have a right to take it out on you!

Charlotte said that she was ready to quit. I admired her because I know she needs this job. So many people complain and accept being yelled at by a colleague or boss. Not saying anything gives them permission to continue it. Yelling back just sinks to that person’s level. The best way to address someone who speaks to or yells at you in a disrespectful manner is to calmly let him or her know they shouldn’t do that—ever!

While it’s important to speak up, your choice of words and the tone you use determines the impact of your response.

When I was a DoorMat, I whined a lot. “Woe is me for being spoken to like that!” “I’m upset that my colleague often loses her temper and directs the venom at me.” But I was too busy being miserable and hurt and angry to say something that would stop it. Just saying you don’t like it, or getting angry back, doesn’t rectify the problem. You must make it clear to the person that it can’t happen again. Some things I’ve found helpful are:

* Don’t get bent out of shape. Losing your own temper gives the person control over you and won’t get you taken seriously. Force yourself to stay calm when you speak. That can rattle someone who’d prefer to rattle you. When you keep your cool, they know you mean business.

* Tell the person it’s inappropriate to take their frustrations out on you. Inappropriate is one of my operative words when dealing with behavior I don’t like. It gets a message across clearly in work situations, better than yelling back!

* If someone yells like Charlotte’s boss did, in such a serious way to make her go home, immediate that it’s unacceptable. Unacceptable is another one of my favorite operative words. It makes clear that you won’t tolerate the behavior, under any circumstance.

* Don’t accept blame for being yelled at. The person might say that you provoked the response. You didn’t do the project fast enough so she lost her temper. You said something that annoyed him. That’s a cop-out! No one has the right to yell at you!

* Take professional action. If there’s someone with a higher position, ask for a meeting and request advice on how to deal with the unacceptable behavior. File a complaint. Keep a written record of the behavior so you have something to show later. Yelling at you is harassment if you’ve warned the person and it doesn’t stop.

* Be prepared to walk, if the yelling at you won’t stop. You shouldn’t accept it. Period.

When Charlotte returned to work, she calmly told the assistant manager that she’d leave for good if it happened again. He spoke to the manager and made him see reason. So far he’s left her alone. She’s a good worker and he didn’t want to lose her.

Accept that verbal attacks are unacceptable. Sometimes we don’t recognize the damage they cause. Being physically hit seems more like abuse. But verbal railing leaves mental scars, that can hurt you even more! Be very careful.

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Why Thin Celebrities Get Grouchy

We watch them on TV, one gorgeous celebrity after another, walking down the red carpet looking perfect. Tight bodies. Wearing form fitting dresses without a drop of the cellulite that plagues the rest of us. Perfection in motion. One perfect body after another.

And we envy them! “Why can’t I look like that?” “How do they stay so slender?”

The March issue of Glamour magazine had an article that shed some light on the secrets of red carpet bodies. Jessica Baumgardner, who ate in a way that most would consider normal, went on what she called a Hollywood diet blitz to see what many celebrities go through to get their slender bodies. She documents her 4-week experience, eating and exercising the way celebs do, in Could You Stick with a Star’s Body Plan? Jessica said she hadn’t exercised in years and was one of the few women in Los Angeles that still ate bread.

Best of all, she felt fine with how she looked!

Still, she agreed to try a version of the crash diet that’s common in celeb circles. Her experience made me wonder how anyone could stay sane living with the kind of regimen she endured for 4 weeks, which is what celebrities often use to slim down before special appearances. The trouble is, when you’re constantly hounded by paparazzi, leaving your house can be a special appearance every day.

Jessica learned why celebs get cranky and do dumb things at times. Or get snippy and short tempered. They’re hungry!

The plan began with a visit to a dietician for an eating plan that was low calorie but nutritious. Up till then, Jessica felt confident about following the plan. But the diet was limited. And expensive for the average person. Organic foods. Lots of veggies, lean protein and nothing that’s processed, which eliminates a majority of things an average person eats.

Jessica worked out 6 days a week. Her carefully prescribed diet was a far cry from her usual eating regimen. Her mood went sour from it. Meals weren’t satisfying. I read this and found myself wondering, is all of this worth having the red carpet bodies we see on TV?

I say, no way! Maintaining a strict diet that eliminates most of the foods you love takes the pleasure out of life!

Of course I watch what I eat when I can and don’t overdo it. I don’t want to gain a lot of weight. But drastically limiting what foods you can eat wouldn’t cut it with me. Eating is fun. Going to a restaurant with your own bag of food or ordering special things that seem boring and tasteless will make it seem not worth going. I know I could be thinner if I was very strict in my diet. But I’m not up for that sacrifice.

Nor would I make exercise a daily job that feels more like work. I have a weight training regimen with a personal trainer and run 3-5 days a week in Central Park. I enjoy it all. Okay, sometimes I don’t enjoy the running when it’s cold. But I do feel good about the accomplishment—pride—satisfaction of conquering something that was tough. But if I truly don’t feel like not going, I don’t.

Most of the time, my diet and doing exercise feels good, not like deprivation or torture.

Self-love is good motivation to get out and work out. And to try your best to avoid foods that will pack on the pounds. I want to maintain the joy in feeling control over my food intake, and also in some of the goodies I allow. I also want to maintain the joy of lifting weights and running. So I’ve accepted that I may never have one of those fabulous Hollywood bodies. Jessica got into much better shape. But, it’s better to balance eating, not curtail all eating pleasures.

Balance. That should be your operative word when deciding how far to take dieting and exercise.

Love yourself enough to keep the joy in all your activities! If you have to go somewhere and want to look in shape, get some Spanx. I confess that I wear them at times. They hold you in and have all different styles to choose from. Yet they’re very comfy. Not like girdles of the old days.

You can look good without being perfect. Clothes that fit well and undergarments like Spanx can accomplish that. So forgive yourself for eating that doughnut or second helping at Mom’s. Have some fries with your sandwich. Just don’t do it regularly. I try to be more prudent during the week and always have treats on the weekend. But, I’d have one during the week too if I was offered something that called my name. ☺

Let the celebs be the ones to feel cranky and hungry. Feel sorry for them living with pressure to go to extremes to look good. Eat healthy, treat yourself, and find exercise that you enjoy. That’s what I call living!

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A New Way to Spell Love

Lately I’ve seen a saying about love that I truly relate to. I don’t know who originally said it. Versions of it have been attributed to several people. I just know that it’s true.

The way to spell love is t-i-m-e.

I said it to someone recently and she looked at me like I spoke a foreign language. She was confused. Didn’t get it at all. Was it a riddle? No! It is the truth.

If you have money, it’s easy to buy things for someone you care about. Even if money is tight, some folks would rather buy something for someone than be there for them. I have friends who buy me things but rarely have time to just hang out. Or help with something I need. Or be there when I need emotional support. I know how busy they are and respect that. I’m crazy busy too! But I know who really loves me by whether or not the person makes the time to see me.

Mom’s tell me their grown kids send flowers or gifts instead of visiting. Many women have complained about a boyfriend or husband who is a work-a-holic. He works and works to have her in a nice house and allow her lots of money to spend. But he’s hardly ever home. And when he is, he wants to do things he enjoys, since he’s hardly ever home. These men often buy toys and other goodies for their kids instead of going to school plays and ball games, reading to them or basically spending any quality time being a Dad.

That’s not loving! It’s compensating for not giving love.

Not making time doesn’t mean you don’t love the person. It does mean they don’t have a lot of importance to you. It’s so easy in this busy world to get so caught up in your stuff that you forget to be loving to those you say you love.

Time is the ultimate gift. It’s truly giving of yourself.

Peter, one of my clients, went on and on about how he didn’t understand why his wife was so unhappy. He’d bought a dream house in the burbs for her to live in. She didn’t have to work. They had three lovely kids. He never questioned what she bought. Peter bragged that because he worked so hard, his wife wanted for nothing. Wrong, I told him. She wanted Peter and he was off traveling for work. His commute was long. Sometimes he stayed over in the city. He got home in time to go to sleep and often worked over the weekend.

He deluded himself that he was giving his wife what she wanted. But she wanted his time, the one thing he wouldn’t give.

Peter argued about the jewelry and gifts he brought back from his trips. He often sent flowers. Wasn’t that good enough to show his love? Wasn’t he being romantic by sending roses? Nope! He was taking the easy way out. Peter really did love his wife but couldn’t spare the time for her, or their kids very often. For all his wife knew his secretary was sending flowers, or picking out the gifts. She wanted to matter to Peter enough for him to want to be with her. But he was buried in the work and deluded himself it was for her, so he couldn’t just be there in person. By the time I got through to him, it was too late. She filed for divorce.

As busy as I am, I always say that if something really matters to me I make time for it. I might not have unlimited time to see someone I care about or to help indefinitely if I have work to do. But I’ll make the effort if that person matters to me. If I find myself making excuses, I realize I don’t care that much about seeing the person. And I know that someone who can’t make time for me is someone I can’t count on, so they get lower in my priorities too.

The way to spell love is t-i-m-e.

Time comes in many flavors. It can be dropping in for a few minutes on a work intensive day to check on a sick friend. Or doing something one on one with a child. Or taking a walk with your romantic partner. Or helping a friend shop for a new car. Or attending an event with someone. Or a gazillion other things that show you’re willing to give time to that person.

While you can’t always do everything for everyone, do you best to at least compromise about being there for the ones in your life who mean the most to you.

During the last years of my Mom’s life, she had Macular Degeneration, which left her visually impaired. She was frustrated at not being able to do many things. Mom was in Florida so I couldn’t just run over. Sometimes it overwhelmed her and she needed to talk and called me. She seemed to have radar for when I was doing 10 things at once on high speed. Or on the phone with a client. She was a good Mom to me. I loved her dearly. So when I’d hear her voice I’d take a deep breath, ask her to hang on a minute while I asked my client if I could call back, and I’d gently tell her it was a very good time to chat.

I felt good being able to return the love I’d gotten from Mom. I know it meant the world to her that I made time to comfort her when she needed it.

Giving someone time is truly a blessing. And don’t forget yourself when you’re spelling love. Make time to relax and take care of yourself. And to have fun! The gift of time costs nothing out of your wallet but as they say in the Master Card commercial, it’s priceless. And if you're in person, don't forget to add some hugs!

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Interview with Ingrid Michaelson

Ingrid Michaelson is a signer/songwriter from Staten Island. She released her Girls and Boys album in 2005, with a college radio campaign and a few festivals, which created a small buzz. Not able to quit her day job at that point, she couldn’t go out on tour. So she didn’t expect too much to happen for her music career. Then she put songs on MySpace. A music licensing company found her there and they started working together. It evolved into a management arrangement too. After licensing a song to Grey’s Anatomy in 2006, record sales increased. They chose to go slowly. Sales were more electronic than physical. Then Old Navy used her song, The Way I Am, in a TV commercial. Sales escalated and they got distribution with RED for the CD.

Ingrid’s SUCCESS proves that solid talent can rise to the top when people can become aware of it! Her original goal was to get a record deal. Now she’s reconsidering that, as she likes having control of her musical destiny. I talked to Ingrid to get her take on her SUCCESS. She was very sweet, humble and grateful for what’s happened for her career.

How do you feel about being independent? The whole idea was to see how far can we get before we signed. The further along I got, the more the idea of actually signing faded away. I still haven’t totally crossed that off my mind. I don’t know what the future holds. For now, I feel like the way my career is going and the way the major labels world is going, that I trust myself and feel safe with my own decisions. I know I’m not going to drop myself! While I don’t have a $200,000 push behind me and I’m not getting my face plastered everywhere—all the stuff major labels do, I get to choose where my money goes and what promotion happens. I’m not seeking huge fame so I don’t see a need now. If I can finance myself, why not? It’s kind of a no-brainer at this point. But I don’t ever pooh pooh record deals.

Did you expect all of this to happen? I never expected much. I thought, well, I’ll put my stuff out there and see what happens. Every once in a while I’d get these bursts of needing to figure out what I was doing and how am I going to make this work. And it would always come back to I couldn’t leave and go on tour. I had to stay home and work. So I thought that this wasn’t going to happen.

The Old Navy commercial was part of the whole upward swing of my career. It was luck that somebody came across my profile on MySpace, heard my song and liked it. Of course it has to do with good songwriting. I didn’t expect it to blow up like it did. That song was like the baby on the record. I didn’t expect it to go much of anywhere. It only played for two weeks. There was nothing to identify me or the song. It was all about people seeking it out, which I think is kind of incredible. Our sales improved vastly. At first it was more digital sales but now it’s become more physical. We have a lot of promotions going on in different retail stores.

How did you progress after the first song was on Grey’s Anatomy? Record sales started to go up, so we ordered more. We started out really slow, with all indie stores, iTunes and CDBaby. I’d periodically order more CDs but had more sales on iTunes though. Once the Old Navy commercial happened, we knew we had to step it up. So we got a whole bunch more. Now I have a distribution company—RED.

Why did you go slowly? The pieces started coming together and we kept the demand higher than the product. We didn’t want to overshoot it. That can be terrifying. So we have been inching along. Within the span of the past year and a half it seems to be going pretty fast. We could have made a lot of choices to speed things up but we kept holding the reins and keep holding the reins. Now I’m at a point where we’ve sold over 200,000 records and we’re still selling. We’re also aggressively touring across the country. Things have tapered off a little. That’s how it is. It’s peaks, then it goes down. Then it goes back up again and then goes down. As long as it doesn’t go back down below the last low point, as long as it stays on a basic incline, then everything is good.

You’re on your first major tour. How do you feel about it? I sort of went backwards. I sold the records before I went out on the road. Now I’m trying to connect with the people who bought the record by going all over the country. I’m not going to just sell records and not do anything. You have to follow through. I have to connect with these people who are fans now. They don’t even know what I look like. A huge part of the music business is the live show. That’s one thing that can never be replicated. You can make DVDs, people can watch you, they can steal your music. But there’s nothing like the connection you make with people when they’re at a show and you’re all in the same room together. That’s something that nothing can duplicate. And now record labels are trying to take touring money. Touring is a mixed thing for me. You feel displaced all the time, in a different city every day. It’s sort of disorienting. But when you have a great show, it makes it all worth it. Connecting with fans is like a drug. Of course when a show is bad, you think what’s the point?

How would you like to be able to give back? I’d love to have my music in something I support. I’m hoping, fingers crossed, that one of my songs is going to be tied to an organization [that’s a charity I believe in]. Things like that make you feel more human.

Is there anything you learned about having the right attitude that helped you? Be thankful and grateful. Live it like it’s going to be gone tomorrow. Enjoy it in the now. Be humble about it. You could be nothing next year. Treat everybody the same and with respect. Be grateful for everybody who comes to your show.

What are you most grateful for? There’s so much. Right now I’m most grateful for the people who have helped me make this life happen. I’m also grateful that I was given a talent by some higher being or wherever it came from. I feel very lucky that I’m able to make music that people like, that I like.

Best advice for musicians who want be SUCCESSFUL? You can’t expect anything. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try really hard. Put your music in as many places as possible. And, align yourself with artists that you like. I have a great community of people in New York and a great community of people in L.A. It really helps to have friends, that you think are talented. Everybody looks out for each and helps everybody out. I opened for Josh Radin. He introduced me to different people. He’s very sweet and helpful. Write music that’s really from you and not what you think other people want you to make. That’s what happened with my first record. I made songs I thought I should make.

What does SUCCESS mean to you? I want to have money when I’m older. SUCCESS is being able to take care of yourself financially and being able to do the thing you were meant to do. If you’re content, that’s SUCCESS. And if you can do what you’re passionate about and make a living out of it, that’s really SUCCESS to me.

Check out Ingrid Michaelson and her music. She's touring and may be coming to a city near you!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

Are You Into F & M?

I’m an admitted work-a-holic. It’s easy. Since I love writing, work feels stimulating and joyous. I also consider myself a play-a-holic at times too. I do need to have fun away from my computer! But in March, I agreed to write two books quickly. It was MY choice. A third edition of Start & Run Your Own Record Label was badly needed, with all the new models for digital marketing. So I wanted it out fast. My editor at Billboard said if I turned in by May 15th, it could be out in January. So I agreed! It’s important to me that my book comes out quick.

Around the same time, I signed with McGraw-Hill my Nice Girls Can Finish First book. Normally they give at least a year to write the book and then it could take another for the editing and production end. But my editor loves it and offered to speed its release. If I could turn it in by June 1st,. it would be out for Women’s History Month in March. Of course I agreed! I wanted this book out as fast as possible.

I interviewed dozens of people for the music book. Transcribing interviews was time consuming. In between I was writing the other book, doing my blog, and working on other projects. Trying to do simple personal stuff like laundry, preparing meals, cleaning, communicating with friends, etc. became intrusive. I’m glad I did agreed to the short deadlines—now that it’s over. I did learn a lot.

During that time I accepted I can’t do it all. Nobody can. You may try to. I’ve done that. Push—push—push to get 2 days worth of work done in one. Telling myself I can do it. I see many other work-a-holics like me, or much worse if that’s possible. Electronic toys bring multi-tasking to the next level. It keeps you in work mode even when playing, since anyone can reach you anywhere. You might get extra work done by working double-time in all your time, but can be price can be too high!

It’s alluring to want to get ahead or do something that means a lot to you, like me with my books. Working faster during much longer hours can seem the road to achievement. Why not if you can? Because it can hurt you in ways you may not think about until it’s too late. Just like many medications have side effects, working on overkill has them too:

* Hurts your health. You may skip meals. Neglect your needs. Ignore discomfort from doing those things. Or you may pop pills for the headache overwork gives you that may not be best for you. Nutrition can really suffer when you’re on the run, even if the running is just in your head, like me tied to my computer. Sweets and junk food are much more alluring when you’re working on a treadmill-like schedule. Smoking and turning to drug stimuli can also increase.

* Stress. Do I need to spell this one out? Working too much causes your body to respond to the stress of it all. That causes all sorts of harm to your body. It can damage your heart, give you indigestion or heartburn, and many other things that can potentially weaken your immune system.

* Sleep deprivation. You might not plan to give up sleep when you take on too many projects but it can suffer in several ways. Having work on the brain can prevent falling asleep. I’d get so frustrated when my mind raced. I knew it was important to get my eight hours. Then there’s the allure of getting more work done by sleeping less. I’d wake up at 5 AM and think about how much I could get done if I stayed up. So of course I stayed up and sleep suffered. I actually think I got less work done since it’s harder to function efficiently when you’re tired.

* Loss of playtime. All work and no play is no fun! Nor is it healthy. We need balance. I love writing more than almost anything. But avoiding downtime activities limits my joy. You need a mix of both! Making money with no time to play with it makes no sense!

* Loss of friends and family. When you work almost all the time, there’s little quality time for loved ones. Your romantic partner feels neglected. Friends alienated. People are your most valuable assets. We all need to give and receive love, whether it’s romantic or with friends and family. It’s important to make an effort to spend time with people you care about!

* Diminished productivity. Wearing yourself down also wears down your ability to function at high capacity. In the last few months I worked 7 days a week, often 14 hours a day. But eventually I realized it took me longer to do things. My brain slowed down. So I was working harder and longer while getting less done.

* Diminished satisfaction. When I was on overload, eventually my joy in writing decreased as I pushed myself to keep going. Too much of anything is no good as they say! It’s important to take breaks from work, even if you love what you do.

I was lucky. I caught myself. After a few weeks of the above, I made the effort to create at least some balance. I still had to work hard but every day I had at least an hour of ME time. Often it was to exercise. One hour of weight training or running in Central Park. Once a week I had acupuncture to reduce stress and keep up my energy. I did my best to accept that more sleep meant more quality work. And while I pared down my social life for a bit, I still made some time to go out and have fun.

And deep breathing regularly also relieved stress.

I had to make choices on what to cut back on and to prioritize where to put my time. That was how I survived being on overload. Many of us think we can do it all. And we can, if we sacrifice our well-being and sometimes our sanity. I love myself enough not to do that! I had no regrets putting things off. Keeping myself healthy is always my TOP priority, as it should be yours too!!!

I apologize for not keeping this blog up as much as I used to. I will post more often now. I was also VERY late getting out the free music industry e-zine I publish. And, much slower to answer emails. Sometimes a girl has to focus on the income earning work! Now I am catching up and it feels great to get my apartment back in order.

People tell me they skip meals when they’re buried in work. I never did. Eating regularly is important! So is making a special effort to eat healthy when you’re busy. I keep nuts handy for snacks. When you’re exceptionally busy, be vigilant about taking care of you in whatever ways you can.

Sometimes you must go the distance to get things done. I have NO regrets about dedicating so much time to get my 2 books done so they can come out early in 2009.

I’m into F & M--Fun & Money! I live to enjoy my life and to earn enough money to pay my bills and whatever else I need. I’m a work-a-holic and a play-a-holic! I both work and play with passion. Otherwise, my life wouldn’t have the healthy balance I continually strive to have. While I have some new books to write, my deadlines are more manageable now. I’m happy about that and plan to make more time for fun as I do my day job too!

Find your own balance. Get into F & M! Make an effort to have lots of fun and time with those you care about, and put lots of energy into your work too! You might have to evolve into that balance, like I did. Consciousness helps you get into an F & M lifestyle! I love to tell folks I’m into F & M. ☺ Try it. It’s a great way to live!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

Get Bouncing Everyone!

Have you ever had one of those days, or months, or years, when you felt like life’s situations were locking a ball and chain around you, holding you stuck in a negative situation or keeping you trapped in a depressed or sad mood? Do you want to move forward but don’t know how to shake it off?

Help is here! ☺

I’m delighted to have Karen Salmansohn as my guest today. She’s a best selling author of many books with over 1 million sold. Her newest is The Bounce Back Book: How To Thrive In The Face Of Adversity, Setbacks And Losses (Workman Publishing Company, 2008). It’s dressed in a symbolic red rubber cover. Just like a red rubber ball bounces back when it’s thrown against a wall, Karen tells her readers how to bounce back from a variety of situations.

The Bounce Back Book has gotten high praise from many impressive folks, including Tony Robbins, Deepak Chopra, and Lucy S. Danziger, Editor-in-Chief of SELF. It’s a great gift for someone you know who’s going though a personal struggle or for yourself. As Danziger says, "Salmansohn's advice for regaining your footing after a life set back is smart, do-able and even fun. Chock-full of mood-lifting exercises designed to increase self-awareness and enhance resilience, this mini-guidebook makes clear that we all have inner strength, once we know how to access it."

Tips from The Bounce Back Book
By Karen Salmansohn
Life is full of uncertainties, and what we have planned doesn't always go as expected. In fact, there's a big 'ol "IF" in the middle of "life" that reminds us of lurking stipulations. My newest book, The Bounce Back Book, is chock full of tips on how to help you cope with these setbacks.

For example, Tip # 21 reminds you that when life throws you curve balls, hit them out of the park.

If you've been fired…consider starting your own company.

If you've had a bad breakup…consider moving to another city or country.

If you've been faced with an illness…consider training to run a marathon and becoming your healthiest self ever.

Change is good if you INSIST on making change be good. Don't' fight it. EMBRACE it. Go with the flow of your change by considering flowing in a new direction. Brainstorm crazy new ideas that are now newly possible.

And Tip # 23 from my book helps you harness this flow. "People are seldom happier than when they are in the flow," says psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, who has spent more than 25 years researching this phenomenon. He once described flow as "being completely involved in an activity for its own sake. The ego falls away. Time flies. Every action, movement, and thought follows inevitably from the previous one, like playing jazz. Your whole being is involved an you're using your skills to the utmost."

A lot of people experience flow while exercising. I know I do. As a runner, I often want to give up midway through my workout. But that's when I push myself though that wall of pain. I stay focused only on taking the next step, then the next step, then the next. Before I know it, I've completed my run.

To be clear, flow is not about zoning out. Any damn fool can sit in front of the television and forget their troubles for an hour (or six).

Seek out the thing that absorbs your attention utterly, the thing you look forward to, that takes your mind off your struggles, if only for a little bit. Flow can be illusive. If it was easy to get, we'd all be "flowing" all the time. You may not find your flow right away, but keep looking for it. And when you do find it, make it a priority to fit flow into your daily life.

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Karen is so right that when you find your flow, you can push through the pain! Her example of running resonated with me, as I do that when I run too. It hurts, I get tired, it’s hot, and I want to stop and go home. But I don’t! I talk to myself and stay in the flow of doing something healthy for me. Like Karen says, it’s not about zoning out. I stay in the run, or find other things that absorb me. Finding and staying in the flow does help me get through the negatives and come out the other side stronger. It can help you too!

Check out Karen Salmansohn and her terrific new title, The Bounce Back Book.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

Saying “No” Without Saying “No”

In my last post, I discussed why saying “no” is important. We’re often afraid that if we turn people down when they ask for something, they won’t like us. Since saying the actual word “no” can feel uncomfortable, but there are alternative that work well.

Find firm ways to turn folks down without the word ever crossing your lips.

Little white lies ease you into it. If it’s more comfortable at first, create excuses. Someone calls for a lift – you just washed your hair. Can you come watch her kids? You’re writing a report. Survival excuses allow you to bow out nicely. Consistent, reasonable excuses can get people out of the habit of always expecting your help. Agree occasionally.

You really don’t owe anyone elaborate excuses! Be careful about letting someone box you into a corner. When I was a DoorMat, I’d be asked if I really had to go to the doctor when they needed me. I’d actually change my appointment rather than argue! People may not take your turning them down well and challenge your excuse, pushing for more details about why you can’t. Watch how others turn you down. If you consistently make excuses, People will begin to look elsewhere.

Create generic answers instead of saying “no.”

Use expressions like, “I can’t do it” or “this doesn’t work for me.” Flattery can temper refusals. Say you think highly of them but you’re overextended. Tell a neighbor you enjoy talking with her but it’s not a good time to share family barbecues. Turn folks down without “no.” Create pat answers. Find your own version:

• “That doesn’t fit my schedule.”
• “Time won’t allow me to make more commitments.”
• “Filling in when you’re away is too important for my limited time.”
• “I barely have time to take a potty break with so much on my plate.”

Do you get arguments from someone when you turn them down? When people are used to getting their way, the less they accept not getting their way. A reader commented on my last post that when she’s asked to do something she doesn’t want to do, she looks in her Day Planner and says she can’t. But a co-worker has actually looked at her schedule after she’s declined! That’s rude!

If it were me, I’d focus on how inappropriate it is to look through my schedule and question what I said. Maybe seeing the date reminded me I have a dentist appointment I didn’t write down. Only bullies push to get their way when you’ve turned them down. Better to avoid them when possible! That’s why I recommended in the last post that you wait and let the person know later. If you email your turn down, they can’t question you as easily!

NEVER say, “I wish I could,” unless you want them to rearrange their schedule to grant your wish.

Segue into just saying you can’t. When I began to baby step out of DoorMatville, I gave elaborate reasons and apologized. Now I firmly say, “I can’t,” which invites fewer follow-up requests. My conviction indicates, “case closed.”

Do friends try to rope you into volunteering for charity or at your kids’ school? Bow out clearly. Don’t be evasive or say you’re sorry you can’t help. That invites more requests. It’s your right to choose how to volunteer. Don’t let people with causes intimidate you. Explain other commitments take all your time—no more details—with a smile! ☺ A firm attitude reinforces it.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!