You Can Say NO!

Last night I was at an event. The speaker asked people in the audience to share something special they’d done this year. One woman said she began to say “no” to people. Everyone applauded this feat. Women are known for being overly agreeable. I’ve encountered many guys who say they also agree to requests much too often.

Saying that one small word—“no”—turns into a very big deal for many of us!

I relate. When I was a DoorMat, I couldn’t get that word out. Turning someone down meant possibly losing a friendship. Or alienating someone. You might not even like the person but if you want to be liked by EVERYONE, agreeable seems to be the course of action.

Being liked seems much more pleasant than annoying someone by not helping. When I was on Oprah, she asked the audience what they preferred—being liked or being respected? Almost everyone chose liked. And people like you much more when you’re agreeable! Now I know that real friends like you even if you don’t jump when they need something. And colleagues who respect you will respect when you’re too busy to accept more work.

We all have ouch moments when we feel we’ve done something to make someone not like us. I still do! But they pass fast in the glow of feeling more empowered.

After being the go-to girl for everyone, I finally began to be more selective about doing favors. As my self-esteem grew, I accepted—joyously—that I was entitled to have a life that includes meeting my needs too. To achieve that, I had to stop putting all my time and energy into others. But, I was accused of becoming a bitch when I turned down requests. I ran back to the “security” of being agreeable until I realized the manipulation in their words.

They were being unfair by labeling me with a nasty word, just for saying I couldn’t help them. It’s okay to say “no” if you have something else to do!

I learned how to turn people down more diplomatically. At first, I proudly forced “no” out. It felt uncomfortable and wasn’t well received. So I tried new ways to ease people into understanding that they had to find someone else as their go-to girl. I’d gotten folks in the habit of expecting me to help with everything. Now I had to break that habit! And I did, by using new tactics to slowly wean myself away from requests.

You can create new habits of responding to what others want from you. Their attitude probably won’t change overnight. Long time habits take a while to bereak. But if you’re consistent, you to can give yourself a lot more time by giving less to others. You can stop being on agreeable auto-pilot! Next time you get asked to help with something you know you don’t want to do:

• Pause before responding. DoorMats feel they must reply instantly. You don’t have to! Even if you may say yes, get into the habit of thinking before you respond. Try to stay as deadpan as possible so they can’t read guilt or dismay. They may try to manipulate you if they sense guilt or a lack of enthusiasm for their needs.

• Stall. Say you must think about it or check your schedule. If she pushes and says she needs to know fast, nicely explain you can’t respond fast so she may want to find a backup. If she acts like you’re not being a friend, ask, with a smile, why she thinks her schedule is more important than yours.

• Stall more. A few people may get the message if you stall a bit. Ask him to email you to remind you to check your schedule. It gives you some distance from personal reactions. Turning someone down electronically is easier.

• Ponder. Ask yourself, “Do I want to do it or prefer not to?” You might want to go the distance for someone who has helped you a lot. Be selective as you turn folks down. Don’t just stop agreeing to everything. But if agreeing to the request will inconvenience you in ways that stress you, and you don’t owe the person that kind of consideration, choose not to do it.

• Excuse. After you’ve waited a while, say you can’t do it. Waiting helps the person get used to your not always saying “yes.” It forces them to think of alternatives to having you do what they need. Even if you say “yes,” they may begin to see they can’t automatically count on you. As you practice, you can turn off auto-pilot and selectively agree when it works for you.

I may not be liked by as many people since I started saying “no,” but I’m a lot more respected, and a lot happier with the people in my world who like me for me, not for what I do for them. In my next post, I’ll give alternatives to saying “no.” You can turn folks down without that little word ever crossing your lips!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

Interview with Perez Hilton

I continue with interviews for my Embracing SUCCESS series with celebrity blogger, Perez Hilton. I interviewed him while he was driving to the set of CSI. He asked to do a cameo on the show and got it! While Perez's writing on his website has a strong edginess (some have harsher words for it!) and some of those who he writes about would disagree, I found him to be a delightful, sweet, and sincere guy. Speaking with him was so much fun! Perez, whose real name is Mario Lavandeira, was a journalist when he began blogging as a hobby for his friends. Now he’s become very well known and is regarded by many as an example of the new face of A & R people because of his good ear for discovering music and enlightening people about it. After Perez recommended artist Eric Hutchinson's music on his blog, Eric’s album went to #5 on the iTunes album chart, becoming the highest-charting album by an unsigned act in iTunes history.

Now Perez is negotiating to start his own record label, acting in a movie coming out this summer, has a book coming out in the fall, and has a radio mini-show . He says he’s also starting a new business venture that he can’t talk about yet. Can't wait to find out what it is! ☺He’s also very conscious of giving back to help others! Perez Hilton followed his passion and created a career that’s turning into a passionate empire. Not bad for a venture that began as a hobby! Here’s what Perez shared. I find him inspiring!

Why did you start your blog? I started it off as a hobby, never thinking that anything would come of it and it took on a life of its own.

How would you describe the power of your blog? I don’t like to use the word power, because it implies that my readers are sheep, and I have control over their actions. But I don’t. I really respect my readers and don’t talk down to them. I like to think that I am my reader. So my reader is smart and can smell through the BS. I like to think of what I do as having an opportunity to share. And my readers have the opportunity to receive. For example, I mention musicians almost daily. Sometimes it connects with my readers, sometimes it doesn’t.

What turned the tide with your blog from seeing it as something you just did for your friends, to seeing it as something with the potential to be a real business? I did different things through different stages. The first stage was when I got on TV for the first time, which was six months into it. I started the website in September of 2004. Six months later I got an email from the TV show, The Insider. They were doing a segment on Hollywood’s most hated websites and asked how would I feel being included in it and being named THE most hated. I didn’t agree with the title but felt, if you’re going to put me on TV, SURE! After that, my goal was just to get on TV a second time. I figured, wow, if I could do that once, I can do it again. Then when I started making money on the website (from ads), about a year after, I thought it would be great to do this full time. This past summer, about two and a half years into it, I really thought I had something that I could turn into a real business/growing empire. That change happened when I was able to move my mom and my sister out to Los Angeles to work with me.

How do you want to be viewed? I want to be me. Me is unlike anyone else out there. I look at myself as a unique individual. I want to be a trailblazer; I want to be a pioneer. I don’t want to hype myself that much but my dream scenario is to be able to do whatever I want. I’m so lucky that this year has been a dream, non-stop. All these things are happening and it seems surreal. Just this week, Madonna sent me a video! That blew my mind. She doesn’t have to send me a video. She wanted to. That in itself meant even more to me.

What are you most grateful for? I’m most grateful that I’m able to do something I enjoy for a living. I would say that a majority of Americans probably hate their jobs. I bet if there were a scientific poll, a majority of Americans would say they hate their jobs. I LOVE what I do! I will always do my website because it’s not a job for me. It’s a way to express myself and be artistic. It’s a way that I’m able to entertain people. It’s a way that I’m able to educate people. It’s a way that I can be silly, and vent and do so many wonderful things. It has made my life better exponentially. I feel lucky and grateful.

How do you get all your gossip? At first I was functioning more as a news aggregator, which most gossip blogs are. They consume a lot of media, digest it, and regurgitate it in their own unique way. One thing about my website is that I have a very unique voice. I think my writing style for the website is very conversational, as if I’m speaking to my friends. I love to write but that’s not how I normally write. I used to be a journalist. I wrote features and very lengthy articles. I have the ability to write in paragraphs and form sentences that make sense together, and all that good stuff! It’s a different art form with the website. So I’d read all the newspapers, consume as much media as possible, and choose and pick what I thought was most interesting. Now that’s still a lot of what I do. But also, I have a lot of original content, and stuff you won’t find anywhere else—fun, quirky, silly things that really helps my website to stand out and keep people coming back.

What gives you the most satisfaction and happiness? I’d have to say just the response I’ve gotten from the music community has been the best. The music actually is what I’m most passionate about in life. I’m not passionate about what’s going on in Lindsay Lohan’s life. But I am passionate about music. I think even the cynics, or the haters, or whatever you want to call them, have grown to maybe not like me but at least respect me as someone who more often than not has an ear for good music. I love that because I love music. That all started organically. I never started mentioning music thinking that I would possibly get a record deal from it or that I would be filling concerts. Or that I’d be doing anything music related. I did it like everything in my life—it happened organically. I thought, “Let me start mentioning bands or artists or musicians that people aren’t that familiar with, or they are but that I love and want to share with the world.”

What lessons did you learn building your business that helped you grow as a person? The most important key to my success is hard work. I can’t stress that enough. HARD WORK!!!!! I work harder than anyone I know. Literally. I’m not exaggerating. I put in 18-19 hour days Monday through Thursday, maybe a little less Friday. Then maybe 10-hour days on Saturday and Sunday. I’m working all the time. But that’s okay because I do what I love. And I also have very specific goals for what I want to accomplish by what age and what time. I know it’s not realistic to continue to work at this pace forever. It’s not healthy. But for the next couple of years, hell yeah! The reason I’m so motivated to keep working as hard as I do, at this same level, is that I’ve seen such amazing results in such a short amount of time.

How do you rate the importance of giving back to others in the big picture of business? It’s important for me. Recently I started doing something on my website where every day I spotlight a charity. Once again, this is something that happened very organically. One day I was reading Rosie O’Donnell’s blog and saw an advertisement for Autism Speaks. I’d been thinking about autism that week. I think Jenny McCarthy was talking about it. It was an issue that was on my mind so I put a link to Autism Speaks on my website and encourage my readers to read up. It was very newsworthy. There’s been an explosion of cases of autism. Now I post them on a daily basis and give my own money and my own time to organizations that I believe in.

How do you feel about what you’re doing? It’s inspiring. I really believe that I’m making the world a better place. I’m so passionate about music and am thrilled that I get to put good music out there to the Universe. I’m not gonna put stuff up there that’s crap. There is no Payola Perez. I only post things that I love and enjoy, and am passionate about; that I think is worthy enough of my website. Even if people think what I do is trivial, inconsequential silly or mean, the readers of my website know the truth—that it’s not all those things. It’s part of it but not all of it.


What does SUCCESS mean to you? SUCCESS means being happy.
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Check out Perez Hilton’s website and see what all the fuss is about! He’s definitely a guy who’s using his high profile to follow his passions and help his readers improve their own lives while he entertains them with his own take on juicy gossip.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

Does Marriage = SUCCESS?

Females dream of getting married from a young age. The pursuit of Prince Charming is encouraged in the media. Girls read fairy tales and want their own Prince. Women watch movies that show perfect men behaving in perfectly romantic ways. We crave those types! Lust after them! Go hunting and searching for the guy who can live up to our fantasy expectations, while real life men endure getting bashed with our unfair needs.

Growing up, I felt no interest from anyone about my dreams and career thoughts. But I got a lot of attention for eating an extra cookie or other treat.

Everyone encouraged me to be a very nice girl who watched her weight. That was the foundation of my life in DoorMatville. The underlying message was to be as nice and as thin as possible in order to attract a husband—the big goal for me and my friends. We played at being wives and mothers with our dolls, while boys were having a lot more fun playing ball and getting dirty. By early teens, everything revolved around having a boyfriend.

I wanted a career but got a husband—right out of college.

DoorMats do what others want them to. My longing was to do a creative activity. But, I’d been brainwashed to need a husband to feel successful and thought I’d be treated like I’d be a failure if I didn’t have one. Getting engaged gave me a lot of attention. Planning the wedding was fun. So were the trappings—presents, the long white wedding gown, flowers and bridesmaids. All this is supposed to be THE SUCCESS factors for chicks.

Once that was over and married life set in, I wondered, if marriage is considered SUCCESS, why didn’t I feel happy?

I see women on mission to find a husband. If I advise them to create their own lives and make themselves happy first, they write me off as bitter toward marriage since I’m divorced. I’m not. My ex and I are still good friends. We just got married too young. He didn’t make me unhappy. I did that to myself, by ignoring my own needs as I catered to his, and everyone else’s. He treated me well. I gave myself away to please others. Insecurity blinded me to my right to be happy. I got married before I’d grown into an individual. I had to leave in order to become one!

I do believe in marriage—for the RIGHT reasons.

RIGHT is finding someone who you fall in love with, slowly, and who grows into your good, if not best friend, and lover. RIGHT is someone you marry because you can’t imagine spending the rest of your life without him, not because he turns up when you’re feeling like a loser for not having a husband or your biological clock is ticking and the poor schmo gets chosen to stop the clock.

Women who see marriage as SUCCESS do it backwards—making getting married more important than the guy they marry! And making the catch the source of SUCCESS, instead of making a SUCCESS of the rest of your life with this person.

Real SUCCESS is being able to work together in love and compromise to make it a strong and solid bond, connected by support and intimacy.

Seeking to find an appropriate candidate to make you feel complete—hopefully one with lots of money and/or power so that you can seem successful to friends and family—makes the guy an accessory, instead of the man you love and cherish. He becomes a goal instead of someone you create a loving partnership with. In my book, Straight Talk with Gay Guys, Matthew equates bridal magazine as the female version of men’s porn magazines, and warns:

You need to understand that while men have ego trips, women do too. For a man, it may be, “I screwed this hot chick with big tits.” For a woman, part of their ego trip or kissing contest is “I’ve got a man and you don’t.” You should realize that in the same way men have their porn, you have emotional porn. When I see bridal magazines and bridal television shows, I look at them and think, it’s all about YOU – YOU and your wedding dress, and who YOU can invite. And your bridesmaids. The groom is like an afterthought. The more I see this, the more I realize in the same way that men objectify women’s bodies, women do that to men all the time. You are the problem too. It’s not all about YOU and what YOU accomplish, and the groom is just this thing.

I strongly agreed with Matthew’s assessment. Women objectify men to give her the sense of self she should give to herself. I had a friend years ago whose parents insisted she marry a doctor, dentist or lawyer. She became ruthless in pursuit of one, to get acceptance from good ol’ mom and dad. Erica (not her real name) moved in on a med student I was with. When I confronted her, there was no apology. Just, “I have to find the right husband and this guy may be right.” I stopped hanging with her.

A year later, I bumped into Erica, who immediately said, “I’m engaged to a dentist.” I asked if he had a name or face, or a hmmm.. Or was he just the prize to achieve SUCCESS. She was clueless about my sarcasm. Years later I heard she’d turned very bitter after her divorce.

How the heck can someone find warm, delicious, tender, loving intimacy with someone she marries for his degree, or his wallet, or his sperm to quiet the ticking clock?

Since there’s no such thing as Prince Charming, the fantasy can only disappoint when it’s initially realized. Once the wedding excitement is over, Prince Charming can quickly turn into a frog when he doesn’t live up to expectations. We’re brainwashed to want what won’t make most of us happy once we get it, since real life isn’t a fairy tale. Then what do many women do?

Blame the guy for not being was hoped for!

What a terrible burden to put on guys! Most can’t figure women out as it is and then we dump all these romantic expectations or needs to be taken care of in fairy tale ways on them. It adds a whole other level of creating problems. We don’t see what happens at the end of a romantic movie when the happy couples goes off in the sunset. All looks perfect at the ending, but the trouble is, that’s not the ending. Real life sets in. In my book, Michael T. F. clarifies:

In the real, non-Disney, world men leave underwear on the floor, don't care if you reach orgasm, and think going down on you only has to happen on your birthday (which he'll probably forget anyway). The problem with fairytales and Hollywood movies is they end right at the happiest point, usually the wedding. They don't show you what life is like a month later when Prince Charming is tired of sweeping you off his feet and the white horse has crapped all over the castle.

Celebs reinforce the Prince Charming myth publicly. An episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians was centered around Kim and Kourtney setting up Khloe on blind dates to find her Prince Charming. Her dates did more croaking than charming. Yet it reinforced the message that chicks need to find their Prince Charming. I winced whenever I heard the commercial for it. And I’ve heard many other young starlets yearn out loud for the day she finds her Prince Charming.

And then women wonder why guys act like they’re on pedestals?? Hello!

I believe Britney Spears’ downfall was partly because she always talked about getting married and having kids as her ultimate goal. Being very spoiled, when she saw Federline, she sent for him to join her in Europe on tour, he probably did her really well (Brit does love sex!), so she dubbed him her Prince Charming and rushed to marry him. She got the hubby and kids, but not happiness. I do believe that’s what made her spin out of control. After all those years of looking forward to marriage and kids, it wasn’t what she’d anticipated. Rushing into marriage with someone you barely know, with a lousy track record in relationships, doesn’t lead to a happy marriage.

When you finally get the marriage and kids you’ve been programmed to want in order to feel complete you, and you don’t feel complete, or happy, where do you go from there?

Check out my On Having Marriage and Kids video, featuring Michael Musto, one of several based on my Straight Talk with Gay Guys book. There’s lot of advice about the wrong and right reasons to get married from some of the fabulous gay guys I interviewed for my book, which gives women advice on straight men—33 caring gay friends in a book

I’m not hoping to get married, but, I do hope to meet a guy who makes my wonderful life even more delicious by being in my world. He won’t be my world. I already own that privilege. But he will increase my happiness. I’ve learned that no person can make me happy if I’m not happy on my own.

I want to meet a guy who rocks my world so much that I’d want to commit to marrying him, after being together for several years. I don’t need a marriage license to feel loved and secure. I already feel that way. Women need to reprioritize what’s important! And, not jump into marriage too quickly. Marriage doesn’t complete anyone!

Only YOU can complete you.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

SUCCESS!!

I’m so delighted to announce that the third edition of Start & Run Your Own Record Label (Billboard Books) has been turned in! It’s been an exhausting labor of pure love. I’ve been working on it simultaneously with my book, Nice Girls CAN Finish First (McGraw-Hill), which I must finish in TWO weeks! I’m so blessed to be able to love what I do so much that the pressure of deadlines doesn’t get to me. I just feel bad that I’ve neglected this blog. Hopefully, I’ll do better from now on.

I’m excited about both books. They’re each very special to me. Start & Run Your Own Record Label has been my biggest selling book—so far—close to 100,000 copies. For this new edition, I interviewed over 100 people in order to get the most helpful, up-to-date info and resources for helping my readers have the best shot at a SUCCESSFUL record label. Some are musicians and singers who are marketing their own music. Others are people who are passionate about marketing the music of folks whose talent they believe in.

I feel SUCCESSFUL about finishing my book, and putting so much effort into it.

I’ve been working day and night to get both books done on time and had to put everything else aside in order to do that, and not to do any damage to me. A successful part of self-love is healthy PRIORITIES! My books were my top work priority. But, my well-being was THE top priority.

I could have caught up on emails but I chose sleep instead. In the haze of writing all day and into the night, I made time to nurture myself.

I knew that it was particularly important to take care of me during this frenetic time. Instead of trying to knock out a quick blog post, I made time to run. I got my usual sleep most nights. Deep breathing regularly kept stress from getting out of control. I sometimes worked on my books for 14 hours a day, weekends too! But those other 10 hours were mainly for me—for sleep, running, acupuncture and bits of Me-time!

I’m still feeling very tired today—mentally drained more than anything else. And I must finish Nice Girls CAN Finish First. But that will be more relaxing because I don’t have the intense research that I had for the other. I’m also helping several others write their books—all wonderful ones!

I continually keep in mind how VERY blessed I am to be able to earn a living from my passion of writing! To me, that’s a huge SUCCESS! HUGE!

The re-launch of SUCCESS magazine inspired me to start this Embracing SUCCESS series. The new issue of the magazine has their list of picks for the 50 Greatest Entrepreneurs of all time. All the choices deserve it. Oprah has made a profound affect on the lives of so many others, while amassing a fortune. Without Steve Jobs, I wouldn’t be writing this from my favorite Apple computer. I applaud Bill Gates and the other tech pioneers that are spotlighted.

The article asks you to think about your own choices for the most successful entrepreneurs. I tried to think of some but they were the ones on the list. These people have SUCCESS that can be measured in money terms. I measure SUCCESS in terms of how happy you can make yourself, the ability to generate a living doing what you love, and the impact you have on others.

That last factor—impact you have on others—that’s a big SUCCESS factor to me.

Oprah makes a ton of money but also uses it in many ways to give back. Her school in South Africa is one example of that. Bill Gates ‘ foundation impacts people around the world. Yet there are many other people who didn’t make the list that I see as SUCCESSFUL because of how much they give back to others. They probably don’t make a fraction of what the fifty entrepreneurs earn, but still, they make a difference in the world. That’s SUCCESS!

I don’t belong on the list, I guess, but that doesn’t minimize the SUCCESS I feel. You can look to folks like this for inspiration, and read some of their stories for guidance, while still feeling SUCCESSFUL in your own right.

But YOUR SUCCESS isn’t greater or less when compared to others.

Embrace what you’ve achieved and what you’ve given to others. Individual SUCCESS isn’t about money, though I have no problem with making it! ☺ But I don’t measure my SUCCESS by dollar signs. My wealth comes from the fan letters I receive, because they tell me I’ve made a difference on each life. The book I just finished will give so many musicians and music entrepreneurs the tools to succeed. That’s my SUCCESS. Money comes. It has to. But the other things make me rich.

Print out the list and type your name at the bottom. Value the SUCCESS you’ve achieved. Try to give back to others for all the blessings you recognize. And, take good care of YOU! That is SUCCESS that only you can make happen!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

Wellness, Optimal Health and Self–Care

Today I'm delighted to have Yolanda G. Smith, RN, MSN – Holistic Self-Care: Just For Me, Inc. as my guest. She's a Holistic Nurse Educator Specializing in Self–Care, Wellness, and Healthy Lifestyles in Brooklyn, New York. Striving for a life of wellness is a great gift of love to you. The better you feel, the more self-empowered you become. Since I left DoorMatville, optimum health--body, mind and spirit has been my top priority. It spills over into every area of life. Yolanda shares her personal story of how she learned the hard way how important it is to strive for overall wellness, and she shares some of the tips that she gives to her clients.

Wellness, Optimal Health and Self–Care
by Yolanda G. Smith, RN, MSN

Lets begin with a Wellness Quiz? Do you:
• Do you wake up with enthusiasm for the day ahead?
• Do you have the high energy you need to do what you want?
• Do you laugh easily, especially at yourself?
• Do you confidently find solutions for the challenges in your life?
• Do you feel valued and appreciated?
• Do you appreciate others and let them know it?
• Do you have a circle of warm, caring friends?
• Do the choices you make every day get you what you want?

How many times did you answer “No” to these questions? As women we are excellent care providers, we are dedicated, committed, compassionate, determined, and conscientious while giving care to our friends, family, children, colleagues, significant others but find it extremely difficult to give the same loving unconditional care to ourselves. Women often take care of the needs of others at their own expense. We are constantly putting the oxygen mask on others while leaving ourselves deprived of vital energy thereby not having enough energy to holistically care for ourselves—mind—body and soul/spirit. It is considered altruistic when caring for others and selfish when taking care of you first.

I was forced to make a decision to start taking better care of myself when my mind body and spirit STOPPED ME and said “I cannot allow you to continue this day.”

It was August 6, 2004 when my life all changed in a flash!

While teaching a Critical Thinking Workshop with 25 nurses, we did role playing. I became acutely confused, disoriented with a subsequent loss of memory. I was hospitalized at the facility I was lecturing. After four days of extensive neurological testing, laboratory work, medication therapy and sleep, I was diagnosed with sensory overload. All the testing results were negative. While growing my first business (YGS Medical–Legal Consulting), I did not have balance in my life. I was working 15-hours days, six days per week. I focused my attention on fulfilling the needs of others and running my successful business—ultimately losing my identity to my business. I did not practice self–care activities, nor nurture, cherish and love myself first.

My journey to Wellness – Optimal Health and Self–Care…
I personally took my time in discovering what wellness – well–being meant to me. That it’s my choice and I must make it my way of life.

I have learned as women, we are very good at managing stress at work, at home and in our personal lives. In fact we are so good, we do not realize when we are having our own emotional reactions to the stress. Stress reactions have become our norm! Whether it's healthy eating, better sleep habits, more control over your time, exercise, managing your stress, dealing with clutter or learning to say "NO", it's all about self-care – putting yourself first and investing time and effort into your own health and well-being.

I have learned that no one can do it for you! You have to make the decision and do it. You must come to the realization that you are worthy of living a healthy happy balanced joyous well life – everyday. You are the only one who can make that happen. It has to be an internal drive of love – of compassion for yourself that will empower you to implement self care practices just for you every day.

This is the process by which I changed my life. In January 2007, I Founded Holistic Self–Care: Just For You, Inc.

I utilized my life experiences and founded Holistic Self–Care: Just For You, Inc with a focus on Self–Care Essentials For Women, Wellness, Health Promotion – Compassion Fatigue and Stress Management Educational programs, workshops, teleconferences, retreats and spa days.

I developed a “Holistic Self–Care Wellness Model © 2007”, with Self–Care Essentials: Mind, Body and Spirit as its core. The foundation of my model is to assist individuals in creating a balanced healthy life by integrating eight essential elements: Work/Career, Emotional Self, Mental Self, Relationships, Intimacy, Physical Body, Finances and Soul/Spirit. The fundamental components of my Holistic Self–Care Wellness Model are the interconnectedness of wellness, holism, health, health promotion and self–care with a core focus on the integration of Self–Care Essentials: Mind – Body and Spirit.

I now believe lifestyle changes can be facilitated through a combination of efforts to enhance awareness, change behaviors and create environments that support good health practices. The foundation of my model is to create a balanced integrated healthy life by focusing on seven essential areas:

The Process: Self-Care Integrated Areas
• Your Emotional and Mental Self • Getting in touch with true feelings and thoughts by expressing them freely and honestly.

• Relationships • Committing to more authentic and honest communication.

• Intimacy • Experiencing more caring, pleasure and trust within intimacy.

• Your Physical Body • Learning to love, nurture and care for your structural body by enhancing the five senses.

• Finances • Believing that you can create greater prosperity with an integrated balanced personal life.

• Work and Career • Balancing and integrating the drive for success with a happy personal life.

• Your Soul and Spirit • Developing a vital and personal spiritual path by your relationship with yourself, a Higher Power, life purpose and creativity.

As a Holistic Nurse Educator – I recommend the following tips for creating and maintaining holistic health:
1. Body: achieving an optimum state of physical health is due to an ongoing commitment to three factors: diet/nutrition, exercise and environmental awareness.

2. Mind: achieving optimum mental health as a condition of peace of mind, contentment, positive beliefs and attitudes.
Self–Care Activities: affirmations, breathwork, journaling, and conscious laughter.

3. Spirit: achieving optimum spirit health refers to your belief in a Higher Power, honoring yourself and your inner knowing.
Self–Care Activities: prayer, meditation, yoga, Tai Chi, spending time in nature and showing gratitude.

In honor of the 9th Annual National Women’s Health Week, I am offering a
complimentary 60–minute teleconference “Self–Care Essentials For Women: Top 10 Ways To Live A Longer, Healtheir Life”.

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Guilt Free Ice Cream Pig Out

I talked to a woman yesterday as I waited on line in the bank. She seemed agitated and told me the pizza she’d had for lunch was haunting her. Indigestion? I asked. Nope. Guilt was ruining her day and the memory of the ONE slice of pizza she’d eaten. ONE slice!

I asked what was wrong with eating it? She looked horrified and moaned about how she needed to lose weight and that she was a bad girl for going off her diet. Now mind you, I didn’t know her. But she picked her shirt up a few inches to show me what she perceived of as rolls of fat. She looked perfectly fine to me. Then she told me how fattening pizza is. And how many points it has.

Points! I give pizza 10 points, because it’s so yummy. Her points were negative.

She was miserable. When I eat pizza, I’m happy after.

I reassured her to no avail and could see that slice of pizza was stuck in her throat as she punished herself for eating it. Why do that to yourself? Why ruin a treat by playing guilt over and over in your head? When I have a food treat, I relax, enjoy it thoroughly and savor the joy afterwards.

Then I try to balance my eating so it doesn’t end up on my hips.

There was no consoling this woman about her pizza remorse. So I told her about my pig out last week when Baskin Robbins had a 31 cents a scoop night. YUM! She looked at me like I was an alien when I told her how I gleefully went to the nearest one. After all, I’m not perfectly thin. Her look questioned, “How dare you go near ice cream at your size?!”

I just smiled and told her how I ordered a one-scoop cone, then saw the cups had lids and ended up getting 3 scoops to take home in cups. I was actually good! They allowed up to 10 scoops.

In my “defense” [LOL], the scoops were small. There’s no way I’d have paid full price for what I got. As I ate the cone walking home, it didn't feel like enough. Since it was small, I felt unfulfilled and ate one more scoop when I got home. Then I had a very low calorie but healthy dinner—a salad, with a little low fat dressing, some chick peas and a piece of whole grain bread with no spread.

But those other 2 scoops called me. And called me till I responded.

I slowly ate one more for dessert. As I finished the third, I thought about the lone scoop still in the freezer. Would it be satisfying on its own at another time? After all, it was a small scoop. So I ate the fourth scoop of ice cream, GUILT-FREE, with gusto and great pleasure! And then they were gone and I haven’t had ice cream since.

The pizza-guilt lady couldn’t understand how I could look back on my ice cream pig out with pleasure, and NO guilt.

She expressed consternation at my attitude and tried to convince me I was bad for doing it. Hello! I didn’t gain an ounce and thoroughly enjoyed my ice cream. What’s wrong with that I asked her? She stumbled on her words. “You’re not supposed to eat like that.” was the best she could do. So sad! Many women have convinced themselves that eating anything that’s fattening is a terrible thing and merits punishment by guilt. That’s plain old WRONG!

While I’m against regular marathon pig outs, occasional ones rock!

Life is for living, not avoiding pleasure. While there’s lots of pleasurable things that aren’t related to food, eating is a pleasure that shouldn’t be ignored. Controlled, YES! Abstained from? NO! I don’t bring unlimited pig out foods home. I know me and what I can’t resist. I didn’t get the full 10 scoops. Four was my limit and I didn’t go back to buy more, which would have been easy. When something is here, I know that I could eat it all at once, or stretch it out. I accept that once it’s gone, I won’t have it again for quite a while.

So it’s my choice to eat it all now or have some, or none, for later.

Moderation is the key to healthy eating---NOT wholesale self-denial. I do eat healthy as a lifestyle but allow myself what the pizza-guilt lady would consider guilty pleasures. While she ruins her pleasure, I have them sans guilt. I know I can’t bring large amounts of very fattening treats home. I buy once slice of pizza, not a whole pie. I'm aware of what I can’t resist eating lots of if it's there, so I don't have a lot of it around. Once in a while I crave salty chips and go to a store on my block that sells teeny bags for 50 cents. I only buy one and eat the small bag of chips slowly, with total enjoyment.

Allowing yourself occasional treats takes the edge off of regular cravings. I think it helps to resist at other times. Guilt just ruins the treat while you still take in the calories. I'd bet the pizza-guilt lady is usually unhappy. What the point of that? If you go to a party, enjoy indulging and then go home to healthier food. Pig outs rock when they’re just occasional!

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Interview with Hungry Girl's Lisa Lillien

Lisa Lillien was a hungry girl and struggled with weight issues for most of her life. When she decided to change her way of eating, she learned so much about food and wanted to share. She began Hungry Girl, a free daily email subscription service. They're all posted on the Hungry Girl website.

Lisa's goal was to share everything she learned about food and eating with others.

Today I'm featuring Lisa Lillien on my Embracing SUCCESS series. She turned her desire to control her eating and help others do the same into a career. Hungry Girl sends emails to hundreds of thousands of people a day. I first saw her on Entertainment Tonight, and she's done a lot of TV appearances since then. Now she has a great new book, Hungry Girl: Recipes and Survival Strategies for Guilt-Free Eating in the Real World (St. Martin's Griffin). It has healthy recipes, and lots of other helpful food info for taking control of your eating. The book is selling like crazy!

The information in Lisa's daily emails is for anyone who is interested in food, watching calories, fat, etc. The content is formatted by day of the week. Mondays they send news, Tuesday is "Chew the Right Thing" day, where they compare the best and worst of one particular item, Wednesday is "Ask Hungry Girl" advice, Thursday and Friday -- The Weekly Weigh In and Girls Bite Out-- are revolving doors of content like Survival Guides, Rockin' Recipes, Chew & Tell reviews and more.

Why did you start Hungry Girl? I started it with the intention of helping people. I was always the person at the market who would see someone looking at a particular food and I'd walk over and tell them why it was good or bad – or point out one that was better. Now I get to do that on a much larger scale.

What was your relationship with food before you to started Hungry Girl? I love food. I had about a 20 - 25 lb. weight problem for most of my life – and I lost 25 lbs about 6 years ago by changing my eating habits.

Why do you think so many people have so much trouble achieving and maintaining a healthy weight? Because our society is so food-centric. Portion sizes are tremendous, and we are constantly being bombarded with TV commercials featuring gooey pizzas with cheese-stuffed crust, huge cream pies, ice cream sundaes, etc. It's all about huge portions and decadent, bad-for-you foods. That stuff is hard to resist!

How can knowledge about food be power? If you know exactly what you're getting into when you go out to eat, you can make smart decisions. And a little knowledge goes a long way. I always tell people to Google their restaurants before going out to eat-- familiarize yourself with the menu and plan ahead. Also – knowing little things – like how fattening salad dressing is, and how to order smart at restaurants, etc. can save you thousands of calories a week – and that's with very little effort.

What are some valuable lessons you learned from your explorations into food? Not to trust labels. Unfortunately the FDA isn't doing a great job of holding companies accountable for putting false nutritional info on labels. So many of the smaller "mom and pop" companies have foods with inaccurate calorie counts on the labels. If a foods nutritional info seems too good to be true, there's a good chance that it is too good to be true. So be careful...

What products that you discovered have really made a difference and why do you love them? House Foods Tofu Shirataki Noodles. They're brilliant. They have literally changed my life. I love them because I had basically written off pasta - decided that it wasn't for me because of how caloric it is. And discovering these noodles has changed all that. I can make an AWESOME 80 calorie bowl of fettuccini alfredo (called Fettuccini Hungry Girlredo) now. There's so much you can do with these noodles. I LOVE them! The bottom line is they have 1/20th the calories of regular pasta and they taste almost as good – and they're HEALTHY, too! [Daylle's note: I tried these and wow! They do taste fine when cooked with tasty things.]

What's your best advice for someone who wants to take control of how they eat? Don't deprive yourself. Just find satisfying swaps for the foods you love -- guilt-free versions -- so you can indulge without feeling bad, or packing on pounds. A few simple tweaks to your eating habits can make all the difference.
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I’ve been subscribing to the Hungry Girl newsletter for over 3 years and find it to be an easy and fun read. There have been some interesting food facts that helped me change my eating habits and Lisa’s reviews of products have introduced me to some that I love. Lisa also creates recipes for healthier versions of yummy dishes. And, the newsletter is FREE! Subscribe (even guys!) today and check out her book, book, Hungry Girl: Recipes and Survival Strategies for Guilt-Free Eating in the Real World (St. Martin's Griffin).

Check out past interviews from my Embracing SUCCESS series:

Patrice Tanaka, co-chair of CRT/tanaka and their "whatcanbe" ambassador
Daniel Glass, founder, Glassnote Entertainment
Tim Westergren, founder of Pandora
Craig Newmark, Founder of Craigslist

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I Wanna Be a Super Delegate!

I don’t normally get political in this blog. It’s for self-empowerment, not politics. But, right now, I feel less empowered as a U.S. citizen who wants her vote to count equally and don’t see an answer.

I voted in my primary, as did millions of my fellow Americans. Many people have strong feelings about their choices. I’ve always been taught that we have a democratic process to elect the nominee for the party we support. But now it feels like that’s not true.

It looks like the Super Delegates are the ones who might pick the Democratic nominee. I feel cheated!

I’m a loyal American. I pay my taxes and try to vote. And I believed we live in a country of equality, and fair voting practices. But I STRONGLY question who these Super Delegates are and why they exist. Didn’t we vote in our primaries? Wasn’t the voice, and the will of the people spoken in election results?

Yet this small group of Super Delegates may decide the candidate for all of us. I’m sorry to use this kind of language, but, that sucks!

Super is a good word for them. They’re getting courted by both Obama's and Clinton's people. Neither of those candidates is ringing my doorbell. Chelsea Clinton isn’t calling my number. My butt doesn’t feel like it’s been kissed even once. Yet this small group of people have become the nucleus of this election, and I’m mad!

It doesn’t matter who I support. It matters who THEY want. I’ve seen arrogant people being interviewed about how much the candidates are sucking up to them, trying to win their votes. What about MY vote? Or YOURS? People we’ve never heard of are becoming pseudo-celebrities for a short time till the Democratic convention. Who are they? Why are they better than you or me?? What gives them the right to have so much self-importance?

Why should one of the Super Delegate’s votes matter many thousands of times more than mine?

There’s enough politicking going on, without this added Super Delegate factor. There’s Reverend Jeremiah Wright making it hard for Obama. Florida and Michigan votes may not count. This election is becoming a lot more than just people voting in a primary and having the candidate with the most votes win. I’ve met Hillary and hope to meet Obama one day. They both seem like decent people and loyal Americans. I want them to court me for my vote too!

If anyone from the Democratic party is looking for a volunteer to be a Super Delegate, here I am! I’d love to get all the perks. Come treat me more special than you treat other voters! Kiss my butt. Take me to lunch. Give me gifts. Make me much more important than most other Americans. That’s what’s happening to the Super Delegates, so I wanna be one!

All joking aside, the candidate that carried each state should get the votes they won. All American should feel equally empowered. Isn’t that the democracy our country stands for?

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The Who of You

Lately Maria Shriver has been on talk shows, promoting her latest book, Just Who Will You Be? She discussed a perspective that’s been mine for years—focusing on WHO, not WHAT you are—and raised my consciousness about how the way we identify ourselves affects self-esteem.

The most literal definition of self-esteem is how you value yourself. My favorite definition is being comfortable in your own skin: being happy in your less than perfect body; accepting yourself beyond thinning hair or a small bank account; loving yourself despite failures and limitations. It’s okay if you don't like everything.

Good self-esteem is liking and accepting yourself for WHO you are, not for what you’ve accomplished or how good you can look. Yet that’s how so many of us identify ourselves. Are you your job? Your physique? The people you attract? Your bank account? Your car? Choices others make? Give yourself a break! That’s not who you are as a person. Outside factors don’t make you WHO you are!

So, WHO are you?

* A doctor, mechanic, writer, manager, musician, clerk, executive, etc.?
* A wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, son, daughter, mother father?
* A good neighbor, friend, DoorMat?

Except for the last one, all of those are fine to be. But they’re WHAT, not who you are!

The “what are you?” kind of thinking is taught. It’s not something you just think of. Growing up, parents, teachers, friends, etc. as questions about, “WHAT do you want to be when you grow up?” And we begin to ponder that question. The younger we hear it, the sooner we begin to define ourselves as a WHAT.

When I was a DoorMat, I saw myself as a loyal wife, devoted mother, dutiful daughter, selfless friend, and dedicated teacher. That was it! My identity stopped at the WHAT, not WHO I was to others. As my self-esteem got stronger and I thought about leaving DoorMatville, I knew I had to begin focusing on WHO I was. It was time to find my own identity.

I worked on myself on the inside, with strong doses of loving acts, consciously nurturing self-appreciation, and a deep focus on developing strong spiritual faith.

I used to be a fat girl who defined herself as a People Pleaser. Slowly, I developed into WHO I am today—an independent, strong, caring, spiritually guided, HAPPY chick who’s following her passions. That sure beats WHAT I was.

Think about WHO you are. Inside. Appearance and possessions embellish how you come across but they’re not who you are, unless you give them that power. It’s hard to feel truly content if you feel people like you because you’re pretty, or know all the answers or for your money or favors.

Look inside and appreciate your uniqueness! Appearance and possessions embellish your image but aren’t WHO you are.

If your sense of self is based on external achievements, it doesn’t last! Do you like seesaws? You lose 5 pounds and feel great./You regain it and hate yourself. Your partner praises you and you feel wonderful./She puts you down and your self-esteem is in the toilet. If you like seesaws, go play in the park! Good self-esteem is an inside job. You can’t get the real deal from anywhere but inside you.

So WHO are you? Think about it. Then get out a pad and pen, or a blank page in your computer, and write:

* Describe WHO you are to others. How do you think they see you? Is this how you want to be thought of by them? Write down all the things about you that you think define who or what you are to friends, family, a romantic partner, colleague, etc.

* Describe WHO you are to YOU. How do you see yourself? Write down all the things about you that create your self-definition. Are you happy with that self-image?

* What do you like most about WHO you are on the inside? List all of the internal qualities that you like about yourself. Hang that list where you can see it easily, and read it aloud when you can. Change your focus to the qualities about you that really get to the core of WHO you are.

* WHO would you like to be as a person? Ideally, how would you like to be known to others? Forget for a minute who you are to other people. Being a good Mom or Dad is great. Doing a bang up job at work is admirable. But how much integrity do you have? And how often do you take loving care of you?

Once you have a little of this consciousness raising, be more vigilant about how you view yourself. And, how loving you are, or aren’t to YOU. Add a little more self-kindness to each day, consciously. Read your list of good qualities about you as a person to motivate adding them to your conscious identity. Separate WHO you are from WHAT you are. It can truly bring more contentment and happiness that sustains no matter WHAT else changes.

I’m a lot of things to a lot of people but I embrace all the good inside me as my identity. Try it. It feels fabulous!

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