Try, Try Again!

If at first you don't succeed, 
try, try again. This saying is said to have been included in a Teacher's Manual in the eighteen hundreds. So perseverance is an old concept! In my last post, Controlling Fear of Failure, I talked about how fear of failure keeps us from even trying. From the emails I got, I know this topic resonated with many of you. It’s important to be conscious of how you let fear sabotage your chances of attaining the SUCCESS you say you want.

You can’t try, try again if you don’t try even once.

In my DoorMat days, fear was the overriding factor that guided me. So much of that fear was of the unknown. I didn’t know what might happen if I tried, so I made excuses to postpone taking action. How could I try something new if I didn’t know the outcome? What if failure made me feel worse than I already did? So I lived in a state of wanting to try new things and have new accomplishments. But fear of failing put invisible weights on my resolve.

I was stuck! We often get stuck in pursuit of dreams. But those sticky factors can be dissolved so you can try, and try again!

How? By driving through the fear and making that first try using techniques in my posts.

I was laughed at for years as I projected my dreams out but never pursued them. I taught workshops on the topics I now write about. The blurb about me always said I was the author of the upcoming book, ____. I was writing them but never tried to get published. One day I overheard two women talking about me. One called me a fraud! She said I faked being an author. The other agreed. They discussed how I taught a variety of music business and self-empowerment workshops and probably couldn’t write a book on either topic well.

I was a master of nothing to them!

It hurt! I was embarrassed and shamed. They were wrong, but I understood their view. I wasn’t really an upcoming author if I didn’t even try to get published. I was NOT a fraud but I WAS a wannabee writer. So I made a decision to take a chance. I thought for a while to decide which book to pursue first, since I had many in the works! I decided that The Real Deal: How to Get Signed to a Record Label had the broadest appeal of my music industry books at the time. There were few music books published so I decided to go with that one.

I learned how to write a book proposal and sent it to some agents. One jumped on it so I went with her. I suggested she go to Billboard but she said she had no contacts there and would go to major publishers. I was still terrified of rejection, which I equated as failure. So when publishers began to turn the book down, my fear of failure raged. I questioned my ability and began to expect more rejection. That’s what the Law of Attraction brought me!

I didn’t want to fail! But over 15 editors turned my book down.

Failure didn’t feel good so why subject myself to more by encouraging my agent to keep going? I became complacent, accepting my agent’s prediction that the book wouldn’t sell. Meanwhile, I was still selling the homemade reports about the music industry at my workshops and by mail. I resigned that my writing career would be limited to that.

The next week I went to Washington DC to do a series of workshops on music business and self-empowerment. I mailed a box of reports down and sold a bunch. Since I traveled by train, I only had a big backpack and loaded it with what I didn’t sell. As I schlepped through the train station that Friday afternoon with the bulky reports on my back, I had an epiphany.

I wasn’t happy and was tired of living like this! It was time for a real career to manifest, and that meant getting published! I knew I was good at both speaking and writing and my books were worthy of being in stores. I was finally ready for SUCCESS! I know that this was a spiritual kick in the butt as a thought swirled through my head—I WAS a good writer and CHOSE to earn my living from it!

When I got home, fear of failure hit me again so the spiritual kick continued. I began to read through my partially written books and KNEW I had to get book deals for them. The next day I struggled to push away the fear of failure. It’s a tough one to just get past! I read my page-a-day calendar, written by Louise Hay and know with all my heart that the words were sent from a higher place.

“I am at that point in my life where I know I deserve all good. I am open to all the gifts the Universe has to offer.”

That was on April 26, 1996. The page still hangs by my bed. I looked up and said “thank you!” At that moment, I knew I had the power to do anything I CHOSE, and I CHOSE to get published. I was finally ready. All in. Prepared to face fear squarely and snuff it out! I screamed that affirmation all weekend long! Shouted it in my car. Repeated it over and over in my apartment. Repeated it to myself as I walked all over the city. I was ready for great SUCCESS and nothing was going to stop me!

Once ready, I was super ready, and decided that I’d get three book deals in one year. I was told that was impossible, but, refused to listen.

On Monday morning, I got a call from the senior acquisitions editor at Billboard, not about my book, but to inquire about an educational series I put together as a fundraiser for an organization. After I answered his questions, I told him about my book. He got excited, asked to see it ASAP and immediately asked to publish it. It was no coincidence that he called me the morning after my weekend of affirming that I was ready for great SUCCESS. I was ready!

They say that when the student is ready the teacher will come. I also say that when you decide to put aside fears and doubts, the elements for SUCCESS will come.

I told everyone, even during talks and on TV, of my intention to get 3 book deals in one year. Naysayers came out of the woodwork but I kept doing my affirmation and told people to call me a year from my first deal. The Real Deal was published 8 months after I signed the deal. My Billboard editor immediate signed me to write Start & Run Your Own Record Label. I told him that I would also be getting a deal for All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise. He had faith in me and didn’t mind.

Exactly a year after getting my first deal, I accepted my third. My blessings, and my SUCCESS, continue to manifest.

Ask yourself, “What do I want? To avoid failure or to be SUCCESSFUL?” “How will avoiding failure help me?” “How will avoiding failure hurt me?” If you don’t like the answers, try my affirmation and say it till you feel it!

“I am at that point in my life where I know I deserve all good. I am open to all the gifts the Universe has to offer.”

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

Controlling Fear of Failure

Do you block SUCCESS if you're scared to fail? It's ridiculous, but trying to avoid what worries you can impede succeeding. Before being published, I made excuses for not going after a book deal. The truth was, I was terrified my dreams would evaporate if editors didn't like my writing. It felt better to write than to pursue a publisher. Fear of rejection choked me.

Failure sounds awful on the surface. It represents shattered dreams.

I talked about getting published but never sent a manuscript out. It took years to develop enough confidence to do it. Failure teaches. When twenty publishers passed on my second book, I found an agent who helped me rewrite my proposal and got a GOOD deal two weeks later.

Before I was published, I made excuses for not trying to get a book deal. The truth was, I was terrified that if editors didn't like my writing, my dreams would evaporate. It felt better to go through the motions of working on my books than to pursue a deal. The thought of being rejected in the bigger picture of my career kept me stuck. So I wrote and talked about getting published but didn't even send my manuscripts to editors or try to get an agent.

It took years to develop enough confidence in my ability to write well before I pursued a deal. I still got rejected by many editors but by then I'd learned that failures are stepping stones to SUCCESS. It's hard to succeed if you don't fail sometimes too. Failures teach us. When one of my books was turned down by 20 publishers, I found an agent who gave me tips in presenting the concepts better in the proposal. I got a deal two weeks later. It made me better at what I do.

SUCCESS is NOT avoiding failure. By conquering fears, we give ourselves permission to succeed.

Hannah came to me for self-empowerment counseling because she felt no joy. She’s a graphic designer and wanted to open her own business. Before taking a full time gig she tried, but couldn’t find enough clients. Then she went the other extreme. Nights and weekends were filled with freelance clients along with a full time day job. Friends advised quitting her job but she was afraid of failure for her own biz. I asked when she’d get a life. She indignantly insisted she had one. I pointed out she left no time for pleasure.

Hannah looked at me like I’d thrown water on her. She was so busy with a full time job and trying to juggle an almost full time business that she had no down time. Or fun! She said she was afraid her business would fail. We did spiritual exercises and she focused on how many clients she already had. After we worked together, she gave notice at work and let clients know about her now full time business. Recommendations came and Hannah’s life is fun and satisfying!

Hannah learned she needed to develop clients by proving herself to be good. Then she was able to attract enough client to have a business. I encouraged her not to beat herself up for waiting so long. She had to prove to herself that she could do it. That meant doing graphic design for another company, and having private clients return and recommend others. That gave her the confidence to fly on her own.

You're not a failure, IF you learn from what went wrong.

Think in terms of roadblocks to be overcome instead of the dreaded "F" word. Separate failing at something from seeing yourself as a failure. You can move past failures by continuing onto SUCCESS. But, thinking of yourself as a failure puts invisible shackles on your motivation to move forward. It's important not to let your actions and experiences define you! Many of us need a kick to realize how fear of failure keeps you from succeeding! Avoiding failure keeps you from taking the risks needed to succeed.

So you self-sabotage achieving SUCCESS by letting fear of failure stop you from going for it.

Think in terms of roadblocks that can be overcome instead of giving in to thoughts of the dreaded "F" word. It's so important not to let your actions and experiences define you! Reinterpret what happened and put it into a more realistic framework. You can help yourself to not feel like a failure and to grow from your experiences if you reframe situations and grow from your experiences by asking:
• What would I say to a friend in this situation to make her or him feel better?
• Are there any earth shattering consequences that will ruin my life?
• Am I willing to let a momentary failure ruin my whole life?
• What didn't I pay attention to?
• What did I do well or right?
• What one thing do I now see that I could have done differently?
• What are better options for handling a similar situation?
• What baby step can I take to begin again?
• What would it take for me to accept that a mistake doesn't make me a failure?

If you take a failure personally, get into the habit of telling yourself to stop it—out loud! Keep what doesn't go right in perspective. Do you try to succeed, or just avoid failure? When you focus on not failing, you stay in a rut. Get out there are go for SUCCESS instead!

In the last years I've been a pillar of non-failure. Yep, not one failure in many years. Are you jealous? Hello! You can live failure-free too. Memorize this - IF YOU DON'T QUIT, YOU CAN'T FAIL!!! I never fail if I don't stop trying. Mistakes don't mean failure. They teach you what doesn't work. Thomas Edison said, "Results! Why man I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that don't work." Look what he accomplished! If you don't make mistakes, you're not trying hard enough! If what you try doesn't work, you have no less than before. Not being afraid to try is an accomplishment! Appreciate that and try again.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

Developing Balanced SUCCESS

I agree with SUCCESS magazine’s perspective that one-dimensional success really isn’t success at all. Often we focus on career advancement or business deals as SUCCESS. But a well-rounded life focuses on body, mind, spirit, AND your career. It creates a bouquet of successes that blossom as you acknowledge them.

A lot of my writing relates to self-empowerment and learning to love yourself. I believe that you need use the same amount of energy that's put into making money to nurture your health, your relationships with people close to you, maintain a comfortable living space, and build your spiritual well-being. A good relationship, both in business and your personal life, is SUCCESS. For me, striving for it all is the greatest self-love, which leads to most satisfying happiness. On Monday I listed some of my SUCCESSES in my post, introducing my Embracing SUCCESS series. Thinking about it after, I realized that:

My biggest SUCCESS is my strong spiritual faith!

After being an atheist for many years, I was able to look past my former beliefs to embrace an incredibly strong conviction that I get support in ALL I do. It gives me the courage to take risks and have the stress relief of knowing that everything always works out for my highest good. The fuel for my life—from being the first white female rapper to one of the first chicks to start a record label to burning my teaching license in pursuit of a passion driven life to being a best selling author and speaker—has been faith. Without it, I’d never have tried all the things I’ve done. And I’d still be unhappy, even with lots of money. Some of my endeavors work better than others but it all works out in the end—because I expect it to!

To me, making lots of money is NOT success! It’s what you do with the money that brings SUCCESS full circle.

Working your butt off in pursuit of even more money, at the expense of your personal life, keeps you unbalanced, and unhappy. Chasing material possessions often leaves you wanting more and more. I know loads of wealthy people who are never satisfied and rarely seem happy. If that’s success, I can do without it! I have less money but wake up smiling every day and earn a living following my passions.

I consider myself more SUCCESSFUL than people who make a lot more money than me. I CHOOSE to take on work or pass on projects I’m not passionate about so my income is MY choice too. My primary goal is being happy. Extra money buys me massages and other treatment for improving my health. Going to a fabulous acupuncturist every week makes me rich. So does being able to give back to others for all of my blessings.

Helping others, both through my writing and reaching out where I see a need, is abundance beyond compare. Plus, the Law of Attractions brings it back to me! ☺

SUCCESS magazine says there’s no better time to design the person you want to become and the life you want to live in 2008. Publisher and Editorial Director of SUCCESS magazine, Darren Hardy, offers the following advice on how to make 2008 your best year ever! These tips represent the spirit of the magazine. They’re things I live by that keep me in a constant state of happiness. Absorb the principles and stay tuned to my blog for more suggestions in upcoming posts. I want you to learn how to embrace SUCCESS by appreciating all that you have and understanding what it truly means.

SUCCESS MAGAZINE NAMES
TOP TEN DRIVERS FOR SUCCESS IN 2008

1. Decide to be Successful – Success is not a dream, hope or fantasy; it is a decision. Make the decision to change, improve and act on your ambitions.

2. Design your Best Year Yet – As an architect would design a skyscraper, write out the goals, plans and actions it will take to achieve the life you want to live.

3. Identify Your Passion - What are your unique interests, talents and gifts? Passion attracts success. Find what you love to do - you will never “work” again.

4. Program Yourself for Success – You will see, perceive, expect and create what you think about. To program your mind for success – read watch and listen to materials that will support your success.

5. Surround Yourself with Success - You are the combined average of the five people you hang around the most. Surround yourself with healthy, success-minded achievers.

6. Model Success - The best way to learn to be successful at anything is to find someone who is where you want to be and model their success habits.

7. Master the Fundamentals – Don’t complicate it. About a half a dozen things make up 90%+ of what it takes to be successful at anything. Keep it simple.

8. Get Fit - The mind cannot achieve what the body cannot perform. Your family, friends and career and future depend on your good health. Make it priority No. 1.

9. Remember What’s Important – At the end of the journey what will have mattered most will be your relationships – the people you love and those that love you. Make sure they are on your goal list for 2008.

10. Make a Difference – What do you want your life’s legacy to be? You have the power to make a positive difference – to a single person, a neighborhood, a community, a nation, the world. Realize that power in 2008.

SUCCESS magazine has chosen 25 books that take a comprehensive approach to money, life and personal development. The top five reads are listed below while the rest of the list, as well as full reviews of each book, can be found on the SUCCESS website.

THE Must-Read Books for Achievers

1. Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill (Aventine Press, 2004): This is the book most often cited as the source for life change.

2. How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie (Pocket Books, 1998): Carnegie’s methods are the foundation for many of today’s personal-development and business-management books.

3. The Richest Man in Babylon, George S. Clason (BNP Books, 2007): The book jacket says it all—The most inspiring book on wealth ever written. Don’t miss it!

4. The 9 Steps to Financial Freedom, Suze Orman (Crown, 1997): This book focuses on the total approach to financial success. Your beliefs about money, yourself and the world around you have as much to do with wealth as do the riches you acquire.

5. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey (Free Press, 1989): This book takes a total approach to success and encourages growth and maturity beginning with self, which leads to stronger relationships and greater success at home and at work.

Thanks to Darren Hardy and SUCCESS magazine for motivating me to do this series and for sharing some of their helpful suggestions for creating and embracing SUCCESS.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

Embracing SUCCESS series

I was delighted that SUCCESS magazine re-launched with the March issue, which was packed with articles on many people who’ve achieved success that motivate and stimulate new ideas. I love this magazine! Everything is about SUCCESS. Reading it is a constant reminder of going for your own. I applaud its publisher, Darren Hardy, for being innovative in bringing the magazine SUCCESSFULLY to life again. I'll have samples from the magazine on Wednesday!

The magazine inspired me to launch my Embracing SUCCESS series. I want to explore what success is and different roads for reaching it. I’d hope to get it underway sooner but got delayed with some of my own successes and the crane accident I wrote about last week delayed me further. But now I’m back on track, which I consider a SUCCESS!

Over the next few weeks I’ll post articles that focus on some aspect of SUCCESS. Starting next week, each Wednesday will have an interview with someone who achieved SUCCESS by following his or her passion. Stayed tuned to this page as I update the schedule.

* Craig Newmark, founder of Craig’s List, the innovative site with free classified ads and much more
* Tim Westergren, Founder of Pandora, the fabulous, free website for creating your own radio stations for your listening pleasure.
* Patrice Tanaka, co-chair of CRT/tanaka and their "whatcanbe" ambassador
* Daniel Glass, Head of many major labels and founder of Glassnote Entertainment.
* Patrice Tanaka, co-chair of CRT/tanaka and their "whatcanbe" ambassador
* Lisa Lillien, founder of Hungry Girl.

I want to inspire you to go for your own SUCCESS—large and small!

I just accepted a deal for my ninth book, Nice Girls CAN Finish First, with McGraw-Hill. It will be out early in 2009 but my initial SUCCESS is right now! I’ll celebrate again when it’s out and again and again as it does well. But for now, I celebrate the deal, because that's the first part.

Success has a variety of meanings, depending on who’s defining it. The dictionary defines it as an achievement or accomplishment. Yet many see it as other things. And many more people don’t recognize their achievements and accomplishments as success. When you look to what you still want instead of what you have, you miss out on the pleasure from having smaller successes. Feeling successful makes you feel good! It’s something to be proud of.

Yet it becomes elusive to many people, especially those who strive for perfection, which is impossible to achieve.

You can find a lot of success in your life if you learn to acknowledge it as such. It’s not just about the big things. Teensy, tiny things you do that you didn’t, or couldn’t, do before should be considered SUCCESS. Losing ten pounds is SUCCESS, even if you want to lose fifteen. Even one pound is one more than you lost before. When you celebrate every little baby step you take toward self-improvement, getting more of what you desire, etc., as SUCCESS, you’ll feel more self-appreciation and gratitude. SUCCESS gratitude attracts more successful endeavors.

Scoffing off the small stuff in pursuit of a bigger picture deprives you of the joy and motivation that acknowledging SUCCESS brings.

I invite all of you to send me your definition of SUCCESS, with a link to your site. I’ll include them in subsequent posts. I’ve invited other bloggers to share too. If you’d like to do a post on your site about SUCCESS, send me the link and I’ll add it to this page, whenever it comes in.

My general definition is: SUCCESS is every bit of progress you make on any level, and recognizing it. It’s living as the person you want to be and achieving goals with integrity; feeling content with your life and who you are; helping to improve the lives of others.

Here are some definitions from other bloggers so far:

“My definition of SUCCESS is reaching a point where I'm content with who I am. I'm getting there, but I know I still have a ways to go. In the meantime, I'll seek out new experiences and challenge myself to do things out of my comfort zone. That's the only way I'll continue to grow as a person.” - Zandria at Keeping Up with Me. Having overcome her quarterlife crisis, she currently lives in Alexandria, VA, and recently signed up for a belly-dancing class. She also writes about fitness and issues affecting single women for BlogHer.com.

"To me success is an internal state of mind. It is my ability to be present in every moment, to experience all the pleasure's that life has to offer, and to have a sunny vision of the moment we call 'now'. My ideal way to spend 'now' is performing actions geared towards the greatest good of all." - Alex Shalman at Discover Your Potential You

"Success is bringing quality into the very action you are taking right now. Quality means bringing the utmost care and attention into every action." Albert at UrbanMonk.Net

My personal definition is: Earning a living doing what I love. Living by my passion. Facing challenges and overcoming them.

Become aware of your successes, large and small. To that end I’m listing some of mine here. Please join me and post your successes on your site. The more you list, the more appreciation you have for what you’ve accomplished. That leads to feeling more gratitude, which increases the blessings you receive.

My Own Successes
Leaving DoorMatville! Allowing ME to become a priority and learning how to take care of myself is a SUCCESS I live with every day.

Just accepting a deal for my ninth book, Nice Girls CAN Finish First, with McGraw-Hill. It will be out early in 2009.

Getting asked to do a third edition of my Start & Run Your Own Record Label for Billboard. It has sold over 75,000 copies so far but my success is in knowing how many people it’s helped and that I can update it dramatically and help more people.

Each time I finish a run in Central Park—winter, summer, spring and fall—is SUCCESS. I feel especially successful when I manage to finish on a cold and windy day!

Every fan letter I receive, and I get them every day, telling me the person made an advance or was inspired by reading one of my books reinforces the SUCCESS of my writing.

Knowing that a woman in Tehran, Iran translated one of my books and though it was banned for publication, shares it with others who benefit from the lessons.

Cleaning my office. This is hard for me as I have so much going on. When I organize at least one area, it’s a SUCCESSful endeavor!

Each pound I lose is SUCCESS.

Starting and maintaining this blog!

Starting and maintaining this SUCCESS series.

Waking up smiling everyday. After forgetting how to smile as a DoorMat, each smile means I’ve come far.

Finishing a chapter in my book….Finishing part of a chapter….Finishing a paragraph. One section done to my satisfaction is a SUCCESS!

Being able to bench press, with perfect form, 35-pound dumbbells!

Turning down work, even if the money would be nice, because it’s not something I’m passionate about.

I don’t live as a DoorMat anymore!

Please make your own list and post it on your site!

So far these blogs have participated:

Lorraine at Powerfull Living posted What's Your Definition of Success?

David at Slow Down Fast posted What Success Mean to You?

Albert at Urban Monk posted At Touch of Greatness and Success: A Different Definition.

Jordan at Jordan Cheng's Success Journal posted Do You Need to Be Successful.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

Safe vs. Happy

Safety has been on my mind since Saturday when the crane fell on several building that I see right outside my window and talked about in my previous post, Shame on NYC--Building Crash Outside My Window. My neighborhood still feels like a war zone, reminding me of what it was like after 9/11 on some levels. Drilling and banging 24/7. Helicopters buzzing overhead have slowed down. But going to the store or bank is a struggle as one side of Second Ave. is closed and people pack the other side to look at the fallen buildings.

Eyewitness News came here on Sunday, filmed the wreckage from my apartment, and interviewed me for ABC. It aired several times.

My work has gotten very backed up as I’m tired from being jolted awake occasionally when a loud piece of metal falls or banging gets intense during the night. Even with earplugs, noise gets through. That’s why I haven’t posted all week. That will change next week when I launch my Embracing SUCCESS series. Last night I had an awesome acupuncture session that’s left me feeling more refreshed and ready to rock. Taking care of my health is my favorite way to empower myself!

On Friday I posted about taking risks in Develop Bigger Cojones & Say “Yes” to More. I suggested asking yourself if you’d prefer to be safe or happy. That doesn’t mean you can’t feel happy AND safe. I sure do! But avoiding things that might bring you joy, in the name of safety, keeps you in a prison created by your mind. I was safe as a DoorMat. VERY safe! I did what others wanted and kept the peace at all costs. That safety left me a very unhappy chick!

Fear is your prison guard and your excuses to not take risks or step outside your safety zone are the bars keeping you locked in.

We think of prison as a place to lock up criminals. Keep bad people away from the rest of us. I personally think it’s criminal to make yourself a prisoner of fear. That doesn’t mean you need to risk everything. Or even a lot. But avoiding that which might bring you pleasure because you’re scared it won’t work out really does put you in prison. When I baby stepped out of DoorMatville, I remember the fear I felt. How could I live without people liking me since they might not if I said no or expressed my needs. What if I was alone?

And the biggest fear—the unknown. Not knowing the consequences of steps you take keeps those steps from coming, unless you stop making excuses and start living.

And face life, instead of dodging it in the name of safety.

When I split from my husband, it was the first time I’d lived on my own. I went from the loving arms of my parents to those of my husband. He did take care of me. My life wasn’t bad. It just wasn’t good. It was safe but not happy. I was twenty—ignorant of life and who I was. Feeling like I had no skills to take care of me. Grateful to have a man who loved me even with the body I hated back then. Fearful that if I left, no one would love me again.

But I did it—finally!

When I began to develop enough self-appreciation to make a move, I was ready to live, not walk through life. I was tired of feeling comatose—living on autopilot, sleepwalking through the motions without feeling joy—all for the sake of feeling safe and secure. I had a husband who loved me, who provided economic security, a nice house in the burbs and friends who were clones of me.

What more could a girl whose distorted perception made her think she was fat and ugly, with only a trickling of self-esteem, want??

FREEDOM! When I finally decided it was time to live instead of just passing time, I danced out to the tune of a life of my own. I didn’t ask for alimony or try to take anything more than I was entitled to. People were shocked at how amicable my divorce was. They couldn’t understand why I didn’t try to get more. Few understood I did get what I wanted by risking all that safety.

FREEDOM! I told people that was worth all the money I could get. I was FREE to grow up and become a woman who had choices. I was FREE to take risks!

Do you want to free yourself from fear? Are there things you avoid that deep down you wish you had the cojones to do? Think about your own life and ask yourself these questions:

* How safe do I really feel? Determine if you’re safe or just avoiding things that might make you feel unsafe. People who avoid because they’re scared don’t really feel safe.

* How happy do I feel? I mean really happy! Content with your life, not relieved to pass another day unscathed. Not happy because you have a man to make you feel complete for the moment or a woman who likes sex with you in exchange for you making her feel secure. I mean happy with who you are and your life.

* Am I staying in my relationships because I’m scared of not finding someone else if I leave? Boy, I related to that one! When you think you need someone, you grit your teeth and stay, rather than risk being alone. I’ve learned that being alone can be the most joyous place on earth. I love doing things MY way and staying solo unless I meet someone worth spending time with. That’s what happy does for you! Risking that you’ll be alone can help you learn to love yourself and your own company!

* Am I living for ME or for what others want or expect of me? We can get lost in trying to please others and lose sight of our own journey. What others want is for them, not YOU. There is a risk in saying no to requests or putting your own needs first. But the cost is often alienating someone who’s not out for your best interests anyway.

* Do I have things I’d love to try but postpone them for when the time is right? Waiting to lose 10 pounds or make more money or all the others things we think we need to step outside the safety zone wastes time you can never get back. Those things rarely come since there’s always another pound to lose or promotion to strive for.

* Do I feel too insecure about who I am to take risks or feel deserving of things that would make me happy? Been there, done that! If I could get over it, YOU can too! When you feel imperfect and don’t have confidence, it’s hard to trade what you perceive as safety to do something you’d like. I didn’t think I deserved it. But I did. And, so do YOU!

Don’t let me motivate you to take fast steps for the moment that might flip you out after. Work on appreciating your assets more and building your self-confidence. Just take a small step. Do affirmations for confidence and make one call to ask for something you’ve been wanting or scared to ask for. Or do a day trip by yourself. As you conquer one small risk, your confidence will increase and help you go for more.

I began with taking a short hike by myself because my soul lives in the mountains. I visited a national park in Montana and hiked a bit further. Doing my first solo backcountry hike felt scary. As I began, I reminded myself I could always turn around and go back. I saw no one the first hour. Then I saw a few scattered people who warned about fresh bear poop on the trail. They reminded me to make lots of noise if I saw one. I almost turned around but kept telling myself I could do it. I got tired and worried about running out of water before I returned.

But with each fear, I continued and I affirmed over and over, “I can do it!” And I did! Finishing gave me an exhilarating feeling of confidence. A few days later I climbed my first switchback mountain!

I’m blessed beyond measure because my strong faith keeps me from getting scared during times that would make people want to curl up and cry. But I’m truly living now—trying new things, giving up opportunities that would pay well but not stoke my passion, working more hours that most of 2 people put together, and truly LOVING my life in the process. Yet I do feel safe because I trust myself to come through it all, and I trust that God will support those thoughts. My awesome career and life in general makes me feel happy almost all the time. And bold about taking risks!

Don’t’ trade happiness for safety. You CAN be happy, AND safe, if you choose to slowly try new ways to live instead of avoiding life. You can’t get the time back that’s wasted on evading situations that appeal to you. Find your own path to happiness and dance down it, even if you do the slow-step!

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Shame on NYC--Building Crash Outside My Window

For 8 years I’ve been tortured by construction going on outside my window. One building after another on East 51st, which my apartment faces, has been knocked down and built up since 2000. Drilling, clanking, banging and trucks beeping is the music I write to, eat with, try to ignore when I want to relax and get wake to at 7AM, every day. This morning it was 7:30. There’s no mercy on weekends!

Today there was a tragic example of how construction companies get preference over the welfare of New York City’s residents.

The very tall crane used on a building going up at 303 East 51nd Street, diagonally across from my windows, crashed across the street, smashing a small apartment building. It was 10 minutes after I’d left to go to brunch. I’m grateful I wasn’t here to see it happen. My neighbor did. She looked out just as it fell, and saw the crane crush 2 construction workers. Four people are confirmed dead. Other injured.

Manhattan borough president Scott Stringer said there are at least 13 unresolved violations against this building. Yet it continued to go up and up and up, endangering a residential neighborhood.

I see it right out my window. The pics above were taken from my bedroom. They’re still looking for possible bodies and there may be people in the building hit by the crane that still need to be rescued. My neighborhood is a war zone. My cross street, Second Ave., is closed from 49th St. to 53rd, as are the streets. I’m on 52nd and have to show ID to get onto my block and must walk well out of my way to go anywhere. The streets are lined with fire trucks and ambulances. Police dot every inch for blocks.

For years it’s seemed like the construction companies rule. They do as they please, ignoring time limits on making noise and sliding on violations. Loading in supplies with loud beeping as early as 5AM. Basically doing whatever suits them to get their buildings up as fast as possible, with the city’s blessing. To me, silence is giving permission. And since the violations have continued for many years, the city must be silent in enforcing the laws since the work never stops. That’s giving permission!

We complain when they work till midnight. Operators at 311 take complaints that go into a big black hole of no responses.

Last July Mayor Bloomberg had a big media show about the new noise laws to improve our quality of life. I rejoiced, until I found out he actually extended the hours for construction in residential neighborhoods, to begin at 7AM, even on the weekend. I’d love to know how that’s supposed to improve my life?! I’ve been living with increasing anxiety from being woken up at 7, every day and listening to the cacophony of drilling, banging, clanking and beeping as I try to write.

We used to get a break on weekends, but now Bloomberg gives everyone permits for Saturday and even some Sundays, which gives me no chance to decompress and heal.

The building crane crash and loss of lives may have been prevented if the city played hardball with the construction companies. They need to start enforcing codes. And, the city needs to put the residents needs ahead of getting buildings up at high speed. My quality of life has deteriorated. A neighbor is on Paxil because of it. I’m trying to stay sane. And now this latest tragedy has unnerved me more. It could have been me under that crane.

It's ironic b/c I planned to go to my vegetable stand before going to have brunch. But since the construction on that building woke me so early, I was very hungry and decided to go after. Had I gone first, I'd have been right where it crashed at that time.

I had a bad feeling about that building. It was a small one before they leveled it. Now they were up to 20 floors and I heard today it was slated for 40. Forty floors in a very skinny building! I sometimes looked out my window and got chills as I tried to see the top. I couldn’t imagine how it could be safe to work at those heights, since the building is so narrow.

I’d tell people it scared me. They’d laugh when I actually tried to figure out whether it could hit my window if it fell. My gut felt it coming. Today friends called to see if I was okay, and ask if the crash was from the building I worried about. Wish it didn’t take this tragedy to make my point.

I’ll end this post as I began it—Shame on you New York City—for putting the economy about the safety and quality of lives of the people who live here.I pray that politicians take a stand on doing more regulating, though I sadly don’t expect much change. May God rest the souls of the people who lost their lives rest today.

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Develop Bigger Cojones & Say YES” to More

Last night I was at a panel put on by the American Society of Journalists and Authors, which I’m a member of. Five editors of top magazines spoke about how to pitch them articles. There was a reception before the panel began. As each person arrived, the same question was asked—“Would you be willing to verbally pitch the panel with an idea for an article? They wanted the editors to critique verbal pitch and also give people a chance to get instant feedback.

For those of you who aren’t writers, it’s rare to have an opportunity to pitch an editor face-to-face. It’s often hard to even get a response to an email pitch. There are so many writers trying to get into editorial doors. So when I was asked, I said YES! without even thinking. I didn’t even know what I’d pitch. I wanted to hear their talks first. But how could I not put my name down?? What a great opportunity!

Yet I was the only writer in the room to think so!

During the reception I asked folks why they weren’t going to pitch. “I’m scared” was the common answer. People called me brave. Maybe they were thinking I was nuts to stand up in front of a room full of people and put my idea out. But to me it was a no-brainer. It’s how I live and how I’ve gotten so far in my career.

You MUST take risks if you want to be happier. You MUST take risks if you want to be really successful. You MUST take risks if you want to live to the fullest extent of life. You MUST take risks if you want to build confidence in yourself.

After the panel finished, I was the one and only called to the front of the audience and given a microphone. Oh, did I tell you this event was being webcast to our entire organization?? Some people thought it was easy for me since I’m a speaker and I’ve done lots of TV and radio appearances. But that didn’t prepare me to come up with an idea for a magazine article and pitch it on the spot.

There was pressure. What if I made a bad impression and was remembered as someone with a bad pitch? What if my idea was wrong for all of them? But I had to do what I recommend to people in all my books, for business and pleasure:

When a good opportunity is offered, say YES, and then figure out how to make it work.

In my music business books, I advise musicians to say YES to any opportunity that’s offered that can help their careers, no matter how scared they or how many excuses they can come up with. Then do what’s necessary to work out the logistics. If someone offers an artist the opportunity to open for a large name act at the last minute, there’s only one answer. It doesn’t matter if there hasn’t been a rehearsal in a while or the guitar player is sick or you’re flat out scared. Say YES!

I also tell men and women to force yourself to take risks in your personal lives to expand possibilities and to overcome fear successfully. Doing anything that scares you is taking a risk. Asking someone you like for a date can run the risk of being turned down. Trying something new might not work out. Your kids might not like the baby sitter you grab at the last minute. You might wish you hadn’t said YES. Your boss may turn your salary increase down.

But you also might get positive results that will make it worthwhile.

There’s so much written about learning to say no. I definitely encourage folks to turn down what they don’t want. But we also need to practice saying YES to ourselves. Too often no is an automatic response to situations that sound hard, scary, daunting, etc. But that immediately cancels the potential for something that could enhance your life. Why do that to you! Saying YES is an act of self-love.

That takes BALLS! A proud moment for me was when I was featured in an article in a woman’s magazine about “Women with Big Cojones.” ☺

I advocate developing a bigger set of BALLS in order to say YES to taking more risks. That means developing a personal level of courage. We often go the distance more for others. When I was a DoorMat, I lived in the safety lane. Anything different was a risk. Even if it was something I wanted badly, I said no. Now I go for the gold because I love myself enough to not deny opportunities I might find valuable or just enjoy. Here are some things that helped me that could help you too:

Become more spontaneous. Accept more things on a spur of the moment basis and occasionally make plans at the last minute. Often being a bit too rigid keeps us in the habit of turning down everything if there isn’t lots of time to plan for it. Staying in the same patterns made me feel more secure when I lived in DoorMatville. Now I get out and play more whenever it occurs to me to try something. So take a deep breath and just do it! Initiate a social activity with someone you'd like to know better. Go somewhere you've never been. Expand your wardrobe with new colors and styles. Invite a friend for dinner and try a new recipe. Do things fast, without time to second-guess it.

Squash the excuses. It’s easy to find reasons for not saying YES. List your excuses for avoiding what you’re afraid of failing at. Put an X next to it each time you can catch yourself and don’t use it. Applaud yourself each time. When you have 10 X’s by an excuse, cross it out and give yourself a thumb’s up!

Ask yourself what you’re really scared of and what’s the worst that can happen. What specifically scares you? Looking silly? Most people don’t notice the things that make you feel silly. Asking for a raise? Your boss saying know won’t kill you. Speaking in front of a group? The worst that could happen is you forget a line or stammer over something. Laugh and the moment will pass.

Practice acting confident. You don’t have to be confident to act it. Last night I had MANY doubts about getting up to pitch my article. But I took deep breaths, put on a smile, and assured myself that it would be okay. I held my head high, spoke slowly, and seemed self-assured. That made me feel confident.

Become pro-active in situations where you lack confidence. Try something new, even if it doesn’t work, instead of complaining, indulging in self-pity, or convincing yourself you can’t. No matter what their facade, intimidating people are human. Picture them in very human situations and laugh. No one is better than you are, unless you make them so. And most situations can be conquered!

Talk to yourself in the mirror. People laugh when I say this but it really helps. I once had to demonstrate doing it for a TV show that did a feature segment on me. After hearing me tell a class about my mirror work, they came to my place and taped me talking to my reflection. “I’m Daylle Deanna Schwartz and I can do anything I choose!” You can do it too!

Applaud ever effort you make, even if you don’t get the results you hoped for. There is still success in having tried. So be proud of every baby step you take and each little fear you conquer, even for the moment. It does get easier.

Tap into your spiritual support. When I was going to sleep the night before going on the Howard Stern show to talk about one of my books, I got scared. So I opened a spiritual book I often read from and knew that God had me go to that page at that moment. It said that He helps create situations and will be there to support the results. I’d said YES to doing the show because I knew it would help my book. I slept well just before it because I KNEW that I’d have the support I needed. Howard kept me on for 35 commercial free minutes and kept saying that I made a lot of sense and people should buy my books. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t said YES to being on the show. And, if I hadn’t had the faith that it would go well.

Ask yourself, “Would I prefer to feel safe or be happy?” Safe isn’t happy. I was very safe as a DoorMat. Miserably safe. But happy wasn’t in my vocabulary. I thought security was more important than happiness. Of course back then I didn’t feel deserving of things that would make me happy. Now I stay in oink mode because I feel deserving of all the goodies I can get on my own. I’ve learned that happiness rocks, while striving for safety by avoiding risks is just passing time. Plus, I never really felt safe. Avoiding risks doesn’t really create security.

If you’re busy trying not to goof up, there’s less energy for creating a happier life. I left the event last night feeling happy. Satisfied. The editors all liked my pitch and encouraged me to get it published. I just sent 2 requests to one of the editors. Now she knows me. It’s easier to be considered when editors know you. So I won last night. My first victory was saying YES, I’ll do the pitch.

CHOOSE to take more risks and see what happens. You can make your own miracles when you begin to say YES to things that scare you. That to me is also saying YES to life!

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Position Yourself for Self- Empowerment by Dyan Garris

I write a lot about the Law of Attraction in a variety of situations. It really is the biggest power tool for getting what we choose to have. Yet so many people complain that they try to think happy thoughts and do affirmations but don’t manifest. There really are a lot more dynamics that you can work on that don’t have to take ages.

Today, I’m pleased to have Dyan Garris stop by on her virtual book tour. She is the author of several books, including Money and Manifesting, in which she shares an interesting perspective on the Law of Attraction and has suggestions for manifesting more. She explains how our energy is also a factor in doing so. I learned a lot about effectively balancing chakras when I read it. Here she shares a sample:

POSITION YOURSELF FOR SELF-EMPOWERMENT by Dyan Garris

The purpose of The Secret according to the teachers of The Secret was to raise awareness about the Law of Attraction. And raise awareness they did. The concept of the laws of attraction and the power of positive thinking are now indelibly etched into our brains. These principles needed to be introduced and accepted into collective consciousness as the spiritual truths that they are in order to set the foundation for ascension and transformation. It’s a very good start, but these teachers are correct when they now tell us that they left something out.

As a clairvoyant counselor I’ve talked to a lot of people who’ve attempted to apply the laws of attraction and the power of positive thinking diligently in their lives. And absolutely nothing changed. Of course nothing changed, because we have half of “secret.” So what is missing? Where do we go from here? Do we now order the “missing instruction manual” for The Secret and try to apply it for the next year? Do we really have to wait years, as Rhonda Byrne did, for our journey of self-empowerment and transformation to manifest?

This simply does not have to take years. This type of shift can happen instantaneously when we have the desire and then the proper knowledge for integrating change. Manifesting money or anything else does not have to be an overwhelming struggle.

To begin with, there are many things that can stand in the way of manifesting. Limited underlying belief systems, fear, illusions, patterns and a sense of entitlement are just a few. We first need to know how to clear these in order to manifest our desires. It isn’t hard. It doesn’t have to be time consuming. And it can even be enjoyable.

One of the keys to manifesting is the knowledge of how energy works and how energy flows.

Without that knowledge you can’t manifest much of anything, even if you think about something all day long. Contrary to popular belief, we do not manifest with our minds. And yes we do have to actually DO something other than just think positive thoughts about what we desire.

However, the very real power of creation resides in our root chakras, in our base. Do we conceive offspring with our minds? Once we understand this as a basis, we have the beginning of the real secrets of manifesting. If you’re trying to conceive with your mind, you’re in the wrong position. Turn around and see what happens.

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Thanks to Dyan Garris for sharing some of her knowledge. She’s the author of Money and Manifesting, Voice of the Angels, A Healing Journey Spiritual Cards, The Book of Daily Channeled Messages, Talk To Your Food! Intuitive Cooking, and Fish Tale of Woe, Lost At Sea. She publishes a Daily Channeled Message at Voice of the Angels. In 2005 she created a series of music and meditation CDs for healing, Automatic Chakra Balance, help in sleeping, relaxation, and vibrational attunement of mind, body, and spirit.
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The Arrogance of Some Powerful Men

Today I heard the disturbing news that my governor was caught hiring a prostitute. The full story hasn’t come out yet, but reports say he hired a woman through a prostitution service in NY to take a train down to Washington DC. When she got there, Governor Eliot Spitzer got caught!

This is the man who ran a campaign as the good guy, pledging to fight for ethics reform. When he was NY state Attorney General, he seemed squeaky clean. He was even dubbed “the sheriff of Wall Street” for his strong campaigns against misconduct in the financial services area, and other industries. I was thrilled when he ran for governor of NY.

When Spitzer won, I thought my state was in good hands. Yet this pillar of politics got caught with his pants down, well almost, anyway.

After working to clean up prostitution, he thought he was above the law and still entitled to indulge in the industry he crusaded against. Power does get to the heads of some men! I saw his news conference and he walked in confidently, with a smile on his face, his wife and three daughters by his side. He was solemn when he said his few words. Then he left, to work on healing the wounds to his family. The problem goes a lot deeper than that!

Why didn’t you think of the repercussions before you let your lower head get so cocky Governor Spitzer? What made you think you were above the law, and above the convictions you had for others? And that you could break the beliefs you said you stood for.

This reminded me of another politician—hmmm…. “I did not have sex with that woman.” Bill Clinton also had that arrogance!

Power addles good sense in men whose egos are overblown from having power. I think it makes them feel invincible, like they can’t get caught. Clinton had it bad. Then the southern head gets involved and these men think they can do what they please. And they leave the rest of us wondering how they could be so stupid! Power gone awry!

I believe that people with good self-esteem have more consideration to others, and more self-respect. Self-esteem comes from within. Power doesn’t guarantee having it. Insecure little boys can grow into bigger insecure boys who walk around in a façade that power creates. They always feel invincible and think they won’t get caught. Or maybe they need to cross lines to make themselves feel better. But it’s no substitute for real self-empowerment.

We can learn from them. Before doing something you know is wrong but think you can get away with it, think again. What would be the consequences of being caught? Loss of job or face? Jail? Fines? Losing someone you care about? Living with knowing what youdid? Ask yourself if it would be worth it.

The best way to do it is to live your life with integrity. Don’t do things you can get away with if they’re wrong. The Law of Attraction brings your actions back to you. Knowing this is another good reason not to do wrong. Nobody is above the law. You may think these men get away with it all but they don’t. You don’t know what goes on in their day-to-day life. Clinton had to face his issues with promiscuity. I’m not sure he’s cured—yet. But I’m sure some of his stuff hit his fan.

I hate to have Spitzer leave office, but I’m afraid it’s what will happen. And probably should. I don’t know all the details yet so I reserve final judgment. I’m just sorry that power corrupted even the ethical crusader.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

Guilt & the Law of Attraction

I’ve been writing about guilt and how it hurts our lives. It gives other people power over your life and happiness. Often your choice to assuming guilt is a lose/lose situation.

You lose if you give in to what the person makes you feel guilty about, such as canceling your plans to help them, loaning money you don’t want to (and know you probably won’t get back), giving a referral about someone you don’t really trust, etc. Guilt makes you do things you don’t want to. That makes you unhappy.

You lose if you don’t give in to what the person wants from you if you let guilt take over. That too makes you unhappy.

The Law of Attraction means you get back what you put out. If you put out that you’re accepting a mindset that brings unhappiness, you attract more unhappiness, probably in the form of more guilt. Why do that??! It brings nothing good. The people who make you feel guilty aren’t satisfied with one time. Guilt can be an ongoing process:

* Mom may moan about how much she needs you to call and visit her more, do things her way, raise your kids according to her standards, dress differently, attend functions you hate and a gazillion other demands on your time, beliefs or desires that you don’t want. It gets worse if she pulls the “woe is me” card. But it won’t change with you feeling guilt, which tells the Universe you need to be punished, even if you’re not sure why. So you continue to be punished with more guilt, or letting it make you give in to Mom when you don’t want to.

* Your romantic partner may blame you for his abuse, for her not wanting sex, or for all their ills. “If you didn’t____, I wouldn’t be in such bad shape.” Fear of losing love or companionship or sex makes us assume the guilt they throw. It’s so wrong! That tells the Universe your partner is justified in making you feel at fault, so the guilt, and unhappiness continue to come to you.

* Your boss thinks you should work all the time—late during the week and even on some weekends. If you don’t go along you’re not dedicated to the company. So you feel guilty for wanting to spend more time with your family, or just getting enough sleep. And guilt sets in like a black cloud over your life. When you work longer, anger is generated. If you leave on time, you’re guilty. Lose/lose. Guilt tells the Universe that you believe you should work more. So they cycle continues—working more than is fair to ask for or feeling guilty during your time off. The Universe supports your belief that you should work more to please your boss by creating more “opportunities” to work longer hours.

* Your friend always counts on you to drop her kids off informal babysitting or to fix his car—even though it limits your free time and isn’t reciprocated. If you say no, you’re made out to be a bad friend. She complains you’re screwing up her meeting, since she can’t bring her kids. He digs that you know how to fix cars and he doesn’t so you should help him. Until you squash your guilt by accepting that just because you can do something, you don’t have to—and, people can be hired to baby sit or fix a car or whatever else you’re needed for—the Universe will keep sending you more requests.

Guilt tells the universe that you’re wrong, so you attract more of that. The more that’s requested of you, the more guilt—a vicious guilty cycle that only YOU can break. The ONLY thing that can break that cycle is setting boundaries, which creates a different dynamic! Making your needs important changes the energy you put out and attracts more positive goodies.

If you don’t want to do something, don’t, and tell yourself it's okay! Put out the message that you’re taking care of you.

If the actions you deem in your best interest get accusations of guilt, affirm that you're doing nothing wrong.

We attract what we put out. Walking around with guilt brings more of the stuff that creates guilt. Saying no WITHOUT guilt shows you know that it’s okay to make your own decisions about what’s right and wrong. That attracts more acceptance, and folks will get used to the new and improved, guilt-free YOU! The people who continue to hurl guilt bullets should feel guilty about their unfair expectations of what you can give.

When you own the belief that you’re entitled to decide what’s right for you, even if others disagree, you’ll have the Law of Attraction on your side to support keeping guilt out of your head. It lightens up the darkness of your life that guilt creates.

So let the light of guilt-free shine! The Law of Attraction will shine good stuff back to make you feel even better.

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Lightening Guilt—Part 2

On Friday I posted a response to a reader who asked for help with managing her guilt. She’s feeling guilty about the fallout from her divorce. Yet her husband drank heavily and refused to give up his contact with a woman he’d become very close to. When I was a DoorMat I lived with lots of guilt. The few times I turned down requests for my help, guilty feelings pervaded my existence.

After my divorce I had a boyfriend who blamed me for all the wrong HE did. It was MY fault when he misinterpreted things I said that were clear and full of loving intentions. It was MY fault that he didn’t show up when he said he would. He had many problems that were beyond my control and were there long before he met me. I knew that on a rational level. But insecurity makes the nicest of us irrational.

I’d apologize profusely while a voice in the back of my head asked why? I’d done nothing wrong!

In retrospect, I see that my insecurity pushed me to be perfect, which is impossible to be. Yet I gave it the ol’ DoorMat shot, especially with my guy. I was afraid to lose the good stuff I thought we had. He was hot! Cute, great body, and amazing under the sheets. My need to please and be perfect made me try to fix situations that I didn’t break. Perhaps my guilty reader feels the same way. Developing better self-esteem woke me up.

Stomping out guilt requires assessing what you did that makes you guilty—in a way that’s fair to you! It also requires ACCEPTING that you can only be responsible for your own behavior.

That’s hard for many of us! The ingrained desire to please creates guilt habits. People like to blame their bad behavior or troubles on others. Some ACT as if they like you better if you accept the guilt they throw on you! But their behavior is NOT your fault. Some men blame their abusive conduct on the women they hurt. “If YOU hadn’t done this or that, I wouldn’t have to hit you.” NO ONE has the right to abuse anyone, physically or mentally! Or blame you for what is really their fault.

So what’s a guilty girl or guy to do?? Stop accepting guilt carte blanche!

It’s hard to break guilt habits, but you can. It’s YOUR choice to let guilt ruin your day so practice choosing not to! If someone blames their troubles or unhappiness on you, do you reassure yourself or wallow in bad feelings, even if you don’t understand how you’re responsible? Consciously evaluate whatever makes you feel guilty, let go of thinking about what you get for taking blame or how the person will like you more, and objectively decide if you realistically deserve it.

Not giving someone their way when you have no obligation to isn’t wrong, unless what they think is more important to you than your view.

Be honest about whether or not guilt is warranted. Pay attention to what triggers it and change your perception of the situation. If someone tries to instill guilt, remember that you’re a good person who can’t do it all. Guilt is self-punishment. Love yourself enough to skip that! If you feel guilt brewing, ask yourself:

• Did I purposely hurt them? If the answer is no, assess why you feel so guilty. Not jumping when someone wants something from you doesn’t make you wrong or bad.

• Was what I did in my best interest? Often people would prefer you do what’s in their best interest. But that doesn’t make you wrong when you take care of you.

• Did I try my best? If that wasn’t enough to satisfy someone, oh well! That’s all you can do. And you shouldn’t feel guilty if you can’t be what others would like you to be.

• Was I truly wrong or is someone trying to make me feel that way? I’ve found selfish people are first to call others selfish – to guilt them into giving in to their requests. Be objective instead of worrying so much. Not doing it his/her way doesn’t call for guilt.

• Have I done something that warrants ruining my day with guilt? Did you commit a crime? Screw someone over? If your intentions were good and you accept you can’t be everything to everyone, there’s no need to suffer for not being perfect in someone else’s eyes. Guilt won’t make the person more satisfied or undo a situation, so move on from it!

When you forget to do something, don’t have time to help a friend, say something inappropriate, or do anything that brings on the ol’ guilt vibes, put it into perspective:

• Feel bad it happened for the moment.
• Apologize if necessary.
• Forgive yourself for being human.
• Let it go.

When I left DoorMatville, I also cut back dramatically on guilt. If I do something I think was wrong, I apologize and it’s over. I know I’m a good person who doesn’t purposely try to hurt others. Sometimes we goof or have less than stellar judgment. That doesn’t make you a bad person. Now when someone tries to put blame on me for something I know I wasn’t responsible for, I refuse to feel guilty. I’ve actually asked, “Why do you think I should feel guilty when you….?” If I accidentally do something wrong, I apologize but refuse further punishment.

I won’t give someone the power over my joy anymore. DoorMat days are over!

You can’t be everything for everyone, including yourself. Stopping guilt in its tracks is a loving act that makes your perception most important. If you can’t see how you’re at fault, affirm, “I did nothing wrong and shouldn’t feel guilty.” As you trust your judgment more, you’ll have fewer reasons to go there. Accept that you’re a good person and don’t owe everybody what they’d like. Forgive your mistakes.

Let guilt take a back seat to self-love. That keeps you keeps your happiness factor at a smiling kind of level.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!