Saying “No” Without Saying “No”

In my last post, I discussed why saying “no” is important. We’re often afraid that if we turn people down when they ask for something, they won’t like us. Since saying the actual word “no” can feel uncomfortable, but there are alternative that work well.

Find firm ways to turn folks down without the word ever crossing your lips.

Little white lies ease you into it. If it’s more comfortable at first, create excuses. Someone calls for a lift – you just washed your hair. Can you come watch her kids? You’re writing a report. Survival excuses allow you to bow out nicely. Consistent, reasonable excuses can get people out of the habit of always expecting your help. Agree occasionally.

You really don’t owe anyone elaborate excuses! Be careful about letting someone box you into a corner. When I was a DoorMat, I’d be asked if I really had to go to the doctor when they needed me. I’d actually change my appointment rather than argue! People may not take your turning them down well and challenge your excuse, pushing for more details about why you can’t. Watch how others turn you down. If you consistently make excuses, People will begin to look elsewhere.

Create generic answers instead of saying “no.”

Use expressions like, “I can’t do it” or “this doesn’t work for me.” Flattery can temper refusals. Say you think highly of them but you’re overextended. Tell a neighbor you enjoy talking with her but it’s not a good time to share family barbecues. Turn folks down without “no.” Create pat answers. Find your own version:

• “That doesn’t fit my schedule.”
• “Time won’t allow me to make more commitments.”
• “Filling in when you’re away is too important for my limited time.”
• “I barely have time to take a potty break with so much on my plate.”

Do you get arguments from someone when you turn them down? When people are used to getting their way, the less they accept not getting their way. A reader commented on my last post that when she’s asked to do something she doesn’t want to do, she looks in her Day Planner and says she can’t. But a co-worker has actually looked at her schedule after she’s declined! That’s rude!

If it were me, I’d focus on how inappropriate it is to look through my schedule and question what I said. Maybe seeing the date reminded me I have a dentist appointment I didn’t write down. Only bullies push to get their way when you’ve turned them down. Better to avoid them when possible! That’s why I recommended in the last post that you wait and let the person know later. If you email your turn down, they can’t question you as easily!

NEVER say, “I wish I could,” unless you want them to rearrange their schedule to grant your wish.

Segue into just saying you can’t. When I began to baby step out of DoorMatville, I gave elaborate reasons and apologized. Now I firmly say, “I can’t,” which invites fewer follow-up requests. My conviction indicates, “case closed.”

Do friends try to rope you into volunteering for charity or at your kids’ school? Bow out clearly. Don’t be evasive or say you’re sorry you can’t help. That invites more requests. It’s your right to choose how to volunteer. Don’t let people with causes intimidate you. Explain other commitments take all your time—no more details—with a smile! ☺ A firm attitude reinforces it.

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