Live for YOU, Not a Romantic Partner

Last week a reader asked a question in her comment. She and her boyfriend just finished school and are looking for jobs. They’re both twenty-five. He’s gone back home till summer. Her dilemma—move to his small town under uncomfortable circumstance with few job opportunities and then relocate when he moves back to the larger city to continue his education. Or, settle in the city on her own and get a good job that can help her career grow now.

The first choice means putting her career on hold until August to be with him. I know how hard it would be to make a choice to leave the love of your life in another city. When I was in love in my earlier days, I made being with the guy more important than what was good for me. I believed that this was the love of my life and didn’t want to waste a minute of time with him. HE came first. I’d be the flexible one, which meant doing what he needed. Then we broke up and I was left with regrets for what I hadn’t done when I was with him.

Love is important. Don’t get me wrong. And in my reader’s case, her boyfriend is good to her and can’t help having to live with his parents until August. Financial circumstances make us do what’s necessary. But in the long run, it’s healthy to take care of self first. I advised her to take the second choice, which means they’ll be apart for months and visit on weekends. When you’re in love, being apart for any time can seem tantamount to death. But it’s not!

A separation can be healthy for a relationship. It provides a chance to focus on YOU and develop a stronger sense of autonomy.

My reader said she knew that living in the bigger city made sense. Friends and family encouraged it. But our hearts can keep us from making sensible decisions. This goes for men too! Wanting to be with someone you love trumps sense. I’m sure my reader would have been much happier if I’d encouraged her to stay with her guy. But I can’t do that. I will say that if she does stay with him, it won’t be the end of the world. Putting off your career for eight months won’t cause irrevocable damage. The downsides are:

* Being uncomfortable living with her boyfriend’s parents, which she feels too grown to do.
* Having to take whatever job she can find for now, which won’t look good on her resume when she looks for her career job.
* Loss of potential networking and job opportunities by being stuck away in a small town.
* Dealing with guilt that her boyfriend may feel for keeping her in otherwise unhappy circumstances.
* If all of the above happens, being unhappy with him, except for the moments of sweetness when they’re alone.

Putting your career on hold for a romantic partner makes your life revolve around HIM or HER, not YOU. What about you—beyond what you get from your partner? I always advise that if you want a healthy relationship, get a life! Develop your own interests and do what’s necessary to grow as a person. It gives you a lot more to bring back into the relationship.

When you’re in a long distance relationship, treasure the time you have together, and make the most of the time when you’re apart. In the old days a woman pined away for her man when he wasn’t there. Nowadays, there are many more opportunities to grow. If being apart from your romantic partner seems like your worst nightmare like it does to my reader, all the more reason to do it! Being on your own isn’t a nightmare. It’s a chance to get in touch with yourself, your needs, and your pleasures, IF you can get past believing that you can’t be happy on your own.

Being solo for a while is a chance to develop as a healthier adult by getting to know and like yourself better. Pursue some solo interests, be more loving to yourself, make some new friends, catch up on interests, like reading, museums, etc. As you grow as a solo person, you have more to offer a romantic partner. Autonomy makes you strong. It’s not so much being independent as it is about feeling whole on your own.

Thinking you need to be with someone to be happy is the best reason to be apart.

While it doesn’t make you a DoorMat, it does make you dependent on being with someone for your happiness. The best relationships are between two people who feel whole on their own. You don’t have to always be unhappy while apart. That’s a choice! Get excited about getting a new job, making new friends and creating your own adult life. Don’t just focus on missing your love interest. See it as embracing your solo company instead of dreading it. Real happiness is feeling happy with or without a partner.

When I finally left DoorMatville, I learned to look for the pleasure, not the pain, of being in my own company. When you find the joy in being alone, you go to a whole other level of happiness. That’s an amazing treasure to share with someone you love when you come together!

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