6 Ways to be Positive in Any Situation

Life can seem negative if you see yourself as a victim the way many DoorMats do. When I was one, I waited for the next bad thing to happen, and my attitude attracted more bad stuff. When you don’t feel good about your life, the glass tends to be half empty instead of half full. But you can train yourself to have a more positive outlook. That attracts more positives to your world. Today’s guest blogger, Tina Su, has let me reprint a post from her empowering blog, Think Simple. Be Decisive, with suggestions on how to stay positive when you’re habit is to go negative. Having a more positive mindset makes life sweeter!


6 Ways to be Positive in Any Situation
by Tina Su

The power of remaining positive, whatever the situation, can never be underestimated. We are all here for a limited period of time, is it worth it to spend any of that time in a dismal mood? Being negative?

The true test of an individual to remain positive is when challenges become difficult. Remaining positive keeps one’s mind in the right state of balance and often opens resolutions to the problems at hand. Negativity is contagious; not only does it affect the individual, but it spreads to anyone they interact with. When only the negative perspective is in focus, the resolution process is impeded.

Eliminating negativity, or rather, being positive is a mindset that can be found at any moment, and turned into a habit. Here are some tips that can help you in shifting your mindset:

1. Shift Your Thoughts - Be conscious of your thoughts. Especially, when life just isn’t going your way. The moment you see that you are diving into frustration, agony, sorrow and low self-esteem - shift your thoughts, by thinking about something completely unrelated. This breaks the pattern of self-pity, mind-created stories, and negative downward spiral. What makes us different from other mammals is our ability to control our thoughts and think for ourselves.

2. Find the Lesson - There is a lesson to be learned from every situation. No matter how unfortunate the situation may appear, recognize the beautiful lessons waiting to be discovered. Sometimes lessons are expensive, but every problem is a learning opportunity in disguise. You may have made a mistake, but now you can accept it and continue, knowing that you will make a different decision in the future. Understand this and be appreciative for the experience.

3. Attitude of Gratitude - You cannot be both angry and grateful at the same time. Start counting the blessings and miracles in your life, start looking for them and you shall find more. What’s there not to be grateful? You are alive and breathing! Realize how lucky you are and all the abundance in your life.

4. Positive Affirmations & Visualization - Practice seeing yourself in a positive and confident light. Do this whenever you have a few minutes (examples; Waiting for a friend, sitting on the bus, riding an elevator.) Self-affirmations (list of positive statements about yourself and your self image) are another simple and powerful tool to train your subconscious to see yourself in a positive light. This is important, as many of us can be so hard on ourselves though social conditioning. I am guilty of being extra tough on myself, but have learned over time to recognize my gifts rather than finding false and self-imposed inadequacies.

5. Inventory of Memories - Keep an inventory of memories that can immediately make you smile. Occasions where you felt happy, appreciative and cheerful. When you were at peace with the world. Whenever you are in a negative frame of mind, consciously and deliberately pick up any leaf out of this inventory and dwell on it. Reminiscing those happy moments gives a balanced perspective to your situation. You realize that what appears negative today will change tomorrow. Nothing stays the same.

6. Criticizing Detox Diet - Change your approach and attitude. See if you can stop criticizing others and situations. Our cultural conditioning teaches us to find flaws and problems at all times. Shift from fault-finding to appreciation-finding.

Whether you are positive or negative, the situation does not change. So, we might as well be positive.

As with any habit, the habit of remaining positive in all situations takes practice and a commitment to yourself to take control. But start small, start paying attention to your emotions, start by wanting to change. I am working on this constantly, and I am here with you, working towards better understanding of my emotions and becoming a better person. Keep going at it, and you will gradually become a positive energy source for the others around you! Wouldn’t that be empowering?
Think Simple. Be Decisive

Am I a Cougar or a Kitten?

The cat name I can claim depends on the guy I date. If he’s younger than me, I’m a cougar, according to the latest pop culture labels. And if he’s older, I’m a kitten. A woman becomes different versions of a cat, just by the age of a guy she’s dating. It doesn’t matter who you are or how you look and feel. So I can be a cougar this week if I find a boy toy and a kitten next week by dating an old coot. Lucky me (she says with sarcasm)!

The reality show Age of Love brought the age terms onto mainstream TV. A 30 year old guy met 10 women in their twenties labeled the kittens because they were younger than the bachelor. And there were 10 women over 40, labeled cougars—because they were older than him. This bachelor got to choose between them like a little boy tasting candy in a store and then selecting the one to eat.

Now there’s an E! show called Hottest Hollywood Cougar Tales. Women who were with younger guys were discussed as women on the make for boy toys, looking for a good looking guy to have fun with, like a cat on the prowl for younger meat. I know that TV shows need to sensationalize issues to attract and keep viewers. But it’s insulting to women! Why are women judged in graphic terms when they date someone younger?

Men are more likely to date women who are much younger, but don’t get the kind of scrutiny that we do.

Men go out with older women and they’re just men. They go out with much younger women and are still men. Yet women are put into categories when they do the same thing! I’ve always dated men who are younger than me. My energy level is high and I don’t look or feel my age. My interests are also more youthful than many people in my age bracket. So I tend to date guys who are a bit younger.

But I’m not some cougar on the prowl for a boy toy to service me, as some assume about women who date younger guys. Nor would I reject a great guy because he was my age. I just tend to end up with younger guys, and enjoy them. Our interests are usually more in synch. Guys my own age are often clueless about things I’m passionate about. But does that make me more than a girl who ends up dating guys who are younger? Must I live up to the cougar label?

People didn’t flinch (not much anyway!) when Jack Nicholson had a relationship with actress Lara Flynn Boyle. He was thirty-three years older. Thirty-three!! Yet when I’ve dated someone 10 years younger I’ve been teased as a cradle robber. A much bigger deal is made of actresses who date younger guys, even if the difference is only a few years. This reflects the subtle yet pervasive double standards that still haunt women who empower themselves or try to break out of old molds.

I was once interviewed for an article in Cosmopolitan magazine about why women date older men. The examples were mainly of men dating women at least 15 years or more younger. They did a shorter corresponding piece on women dating younger men. They mainly had an age difference of 5-10 years. Yet much more is made of a woman with a younger guy than a guy with a MUCH younger woman.

All of these labels and double standards can undermine progress for being a self-empowered chick.

If your self-esteem isn’t strong yet, it’s harder to go forward when labels make you uncomfortable. DoorMats want to please and get scared that dating someone out of the traditional box might alienate people. That can make you pass on potential partners who’d make you happy. I made an effort to avoid feeling ridiculed or being questioned about my motives when I felt less secure and was more of a People Pleaser. If I was questioned about a guy I dated, my insecurity increased. So it was easier to date “the norm.” Back then, being called a cougar would have made me cringe.

Now I laugh. I don’t think it’s fair to be put into a category, but now I know who I am and don’t care about what others think. That’s a hard place for many women to reach.

Building up your sense of self helps you ignore the dumb things people say. We have a right to date people who are younger or older or whatever rocks your boat. My focus is on being happy. People who tease or label often aren’t and look for what to pick on in others. So let them call me a cougar, since I’ll probably be with younger guys. It can’t hurt me unless I let it! And I won’t let it anymore. Grrrrrrrr… ☺

Being Ruthless Eventually Gets You Screwed

You may not have succeeded in everything you want yet. There might not be a romantic partner in your life. Money might be a little tight. But as long as you have integrity, consider yourself a success!

Many people get ahead by being cutthroat. Others say what people want to hear to get more. People screw friends in order to steal their romantic partner. And still others sell a false bill of goods for personal gain. They might seem like they won, or benefited from their ruthless ways. But ultimately, they’re the losers. People around them know what they’re like. And eventually, it will come back to haunt them since what goes around really does come around.

DoorMats are on the other side of the spectrum. They screw themselves in the name of being nice. That’s not having integrity either!

I constantly hurt myself when I lived in DoorMatville! I’d cancel plans to help someone. Nice! Nice! Nice! I was always seeking a path to be nice by doing whatever people wanted, except for what I wanted. I thought I lived with integrity. But I didn’t back then. Integrity means being honest and having good moral standards. I wasn’t being honest with myself! Nor did I have any standards about how I allowed others to treat me, or how I treated myself. My priorities didn’t include respect—not self-respect or receiving it from others. Being liked was all that mattered!

A delusion of being a nice person overshadowed that I didn’t treat ME very well. It was all about others! That’s NOT nice on several levels. The first—allowing yourself to be treated poorly—is obvious. The second—there’s no integrity in being nice to buy the favor of others. I’d treat people to dinner so I wouldn’t have to eat alone and do favors, hoping I’d get them returned and have folks to depend on. I sacrificed my needs to satisfy everyone else’s so I’d be liked.

To me, integrity includes being true to yourself. It isn’t being a mat for everyone to wipe their feet on.

DoorMats want to live with integrity but the invisible welcome mat on their demeanor can blind them to what being a person of integrity truly is. After giving and giving indiscriminately, DoorMats can do a 180-degree turn when they get fed up. After deciding that being nice just got me stepped on, I went in the other direction—from auto-pilot “yes” to auto-pilot “no”—and didn’t help anyone. I had more free time and didn’t feel taken for granted but I didn’t like myself for having a me, me, me mentality! Some recovering Doormats get ruthless as their anger about past behavior reaches a breaking point.

Ruthless people have no integrity. While they get what they say they want, it rarely brings contentment. Those who screw have been screwed and feel a need to do it back. After being hurt over and over as a DoorMat, I wanted revenge. But it honestly doesn’t feel good. People who cheat know they’re cheaters, and must live with that. Content folks don’t need to play dirty. They prefer to sleep well, knowing they’ve done right by others and need no excuses to justify actions because they try to live by a standard of being honest and playing fair.

Albert Camus said, "Integrity has no need of rules."

Having integrity means doing your best to be fair and honest in your actions and words. We all do things that aren’t perfectly right. People take supplies from work, tell white lies to avoid hurting someone, do some fudging on their income tax forms, etc. But most of the time our standards are better. No one is perfect. If you have basic values to live by and do your best to treat people with respect and consideration, you’ll create a sense of integrity that fits you.

Ruthless people get the fruits of their lack of integrity. I’ve never met one who seemed happy. Or had loving friends. Those are things that create the richest abundance in our lives. When you see yourself as an honorable person, you can feel proud. Pay attention. Integrity truly does attract good people, opportunities and joy that ruthless people can’t get no matter what lengths they go to! And when you’re a nice person who also feels in control of his or her world, life is a blessing every day. Having been on both sides, this recovering DoorMat loves to pursue of life of integrity while helping others, and myself. I am truly blessed by this!

Giving Permission with Silence

Since this week I’ve been encouraging you to be true to what you really want, I’ll end the week with this thought.

People continue to do what they get away with. If you don’t tell them that something is unacceptable, your silence gives them permission to continue doing it.

Do you complain to friends about job inequities but continue to work hard? Do you let your partner control your relationship by buying into the belief that you need one to be complete? Or that you’d feel like a failure if it didn’t work out? Do you brood in silence, rather than risk losing someone who does you wrong?

When I was a DoorMat, I let people take me for granted and shut my mouth when those I'd helped over and over ignored my needs. I laughed off disrespect and closed my eyes to poor treatment. My inability to communicate anger gave people the unspoken right to continue bad behavior. If you don’t voice dissatisfaction, how can you get satisfied? Silence says you won’t make a fuss. And while a fuss isn’t necessary, speaking up is.

Margaret Atwood said, “Powerlessness and silence go together."

If you don’t take control and express what is unacceptable, nothing changes. If you act like everything is okay, the bad behavior will continue. If you accept apologies over and over while the unacceptable behavior continues, you give them permission to do what they please in exchange for a cheap apology.

DoorMats feel like victims. They’re not victims of those who hurt them. They’re only victims of themselves. Inability to address a probably is your choice. If someone hits you and you stay, it’s YOUR choice. If someone talks to you disrespectfully and you ignore it, it’s YOUR choice to let it continue. I blamed everyone when people hurt me. “How dare they take advantage of me?” Why did he keep lying? “Why did she never repay the money I loaned, and loaned again?” Because I let them!

I learned how to better empower myself by acknowledging that it all happened because I didn’t speak up.

Your power begins and ends with you and your perception of your situations. You can stay silent and delude yourself that you’re a victim of other people treating you badly, or let them know you will no long accept it. And if you’d prefer to send a strong message silently, quietly walk away and close the door on your way out!

More on Expressing What You Want

I seemed to strike a nerve with my post on Tuesday about separating your thoughts from what you think others want, or what you’ve been in the habit of agreeing to. DoorMats are especially vulnerable to being acquiescent in a subservient way. “Whatever you want” is always on the tips of compulsive People Pleasers’ tongues. I wanted to eat where others wanted and see t films they chose.

Men do it too! In my How to Please a Woman In & Out of Bed book, I advise that when on a date, don’t tell a woman dating “I’ll go to or do whatever you want.” Even DoorMats get turned off by other DoorMats! When I’d date someone who wouldn’t tell me what he liked, always deferring to whatever I wanted, I had to end it. It made him seem too insecure.

There I was—Ms. Insecurity dumping a guy who smelled of insecurity! How funny is that?!?

A person who makes his or her own decisions is attractive. At work it reflects confidence and makes you seem smart. Both sexes like this quality in a romantic partner. I’m not talking about being demanding. Sometimes recovering DoorMats go in the other direction once they feel more empowered, and get aggressive in their approach.

Cheryl came to me for counseling. She’d been taken advantage of for much of her life. After workshops and therapy, she wasn’t going to let anyone every take advantage of her again and expected everyone to give her what she wanted. Cheryl had a sense of entitlement from her growth, which I told her wasn’t fair to others. NO ONE has to give you what you want! After recovering from being a DoorMat, she had to recover from being the Anti-DoorMat.

A middle ground between expressing your preferences and being considerate of what others need works best.

Don’t go to extremes! You don’t ALWAYS have to get your way. Compromise is crucial to have a good relationship with anyone. Go where you prefer one time and where your friend prefers the next. Once you get in touch with what would be your first choice if you took no one else into consideration, express your preference and hear the other person’s. Then go with what’s fair to you both. For those folks who make you feel you must always do it their way, find ways to not deal with them!

A romantic partner isn’t your master. Don’t lose yourself with one! Parents must sometimes be taught that you’re an adult and entitled to do things your way. If friends act like you’ll lose them if you don’t give in to what they want, lose them! People prefer having their way but if they value you in their lives, they can be trained to break the habits of always expecting you to go along with them.

You train them by communicating what you want, and showing with actions that your interactions should be a two-way street!

Someone commented that she used to always go along with what her boyfriend wanted. He didn’t force her to. She just made his preferences her own. As she stepped out of DoorMatville, she was pleasantly surprised that her guy was happy to hear her express what she preferred. Often we go along with someone when we’re scared of the unknown—the possibility of losing someone by wanting something different than they do. In most cases, those who care about you want you to have your desires met too!

As my confidence got stronger, I began to answer “What would YOU like?” questions more honestly. I still clearly remember the first time I told a guy I’d just begun dating that I wasn’t in the mood for Mexican when he suggested we go for it. I said it tentatively, nervous about his reaction. He LOVED it! Said I was the first woman he’d ever dated who expressed a real opinion about what she’d like. He hated always feeling responsible for it and happily suggested we go somewhere else—a restaurant I loved!

DoorMats learn to eat what others want and do what others like. Empowered people learn that their preferences are worthy of getting satisfied, once they allow themselves to decide what they are. So think before you make choices. “What do I really want?” And don’t be afraid to express them! The worst that can happen is the other person disagrees. Then you can try to find a compromise.

Pamper, Please

Self-empowerment is a body, mind and spirit mission—a total and comprehensive effort to take control of all aspects of your life that influence your decisions and your happiness. I consider taking control of your body a very important endeavor! When you feel good on the inside, it helps you feel good in other areas and to make better decisions. Consciously cultivating good health is a lovely act of self-love. When you have an injury or illness, it’s harder to be happy.

I’m delighted that my guest today is Julie Silver, MD, author of Super Healing (Rodale, 2007), which offers a step-by-step plan for physical recovery from any illness and injury. Dr. Silver, an assistant professor at Harvard Medical School, is a renowned expert in physical medicine and rehabilitation and on the medical staff at Bingham and Women’s, Massachusetts General, and Spaulding Rehabilitation Hospitals in Boston, Massachusetts. She’s also an award- winning writer and the author/editor of more than a dozen books, including After Cancer Treatment: Heal Faster, Better, Stronger.

I believe that nurturing yourself is a strong act of self-love, which can greatly strengthen your healing. When I was a DoorMat, I didn’t focus on doing nice things for myself and often felt lousy. Even when I had a health problem, I still worried about others more. Super Healing, is a comprehensive, easy to follow, guide to MANY things you can do to heal faster. Reading it can make you feel in control of your recovery. I enjoyed this book and the simple but effective suggestions. Here’s an excerpt from it:
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Pamper, Please
By Julie Silver, MD

While you are in the Healing Zone, you'll have to focus on yourself in a loving and nurturing manner. At times, this will mean putting yourself first; what you need must take precedence over what others need. This isn't easy to do if you've been taught, as many of us have, that we should be more concerned with others than with ourselves.

Sometimes it's easier to embrace self-nurturing if you consider the opposite option: self-denial. Drs. Heller and Heller define self-denial as "the surrendering of your needs, preferences, and desires in order to fulfill the needs, preferences, or desires of another person." Though chronic self-denial is unhealthy, it is particularly problematic if you are recovering from a serious illness or injury. This is truly a time when your focus should first and foremost be on helping yourself to heal.

If you find it difficult to take the time to nurture yourself, you are in good company. Many wonderful people are not good self-nurturers. Nevertheless, it's important to try to change this as you mend. Begin with small steps. Reading this book is a terrific start. Next, find the time to make a plan to heal, as I outlined in the previous chapter. There is no doubt that illness provides opportunities, and one of them is a chance to reflect on how to take better care of ourselves.

If you haven't spent much time nurturing yourself in the past, psychiatrist Edward Hallowell, MD, believes that you can change. He suggests, "If you never taught yourself how to tend to yourself--if, indeed, you were taught to ignore your needs and feelings as if they were selfish and impure--it is still possible to learn how to make a healthy connection to yourself."

It's easy to avoid self-nurture. As relationship expert Susan Page explains:

The insidious thing about not taking care of yourself is that if you don't do it, no one else in the world may ever notice. If you don't feed your children and buy them clothes and support them when they need your help, they'll notice. If you don't keep your agreements with your partner, your partner will be unhappy and will let you know. But you can fail to take care of yourself and your own needs for years, and no one will care. . . .

Of course, great excuses are plentiful: I don't have time. I keep forgetting. I'll do it later. I am going to do it--but not yet. The best excuse of all is, taking care of myself is not as important as all the other things I have to do--for other people.

During your time in the Healing Zone, self-nurture is something to strive for. Here are examples of ways in which you can nurture yourself.

• Listen to music, talk radio, audiobooks, or a relaxation tape.
• Meditate or pray.
• Watch television.
• Read a book or magazine.
• Sit down and talk with someone in person or on the phone.
• Perform deep breathing and relaxation exercises.
• Play a game on the computer or with a friend.
• Play a musical instrument.
• Crochet, macramé, knit, needlepoint, or sew.
• Make a craft or jewelry.
• Carve wood.
• Scrapbook.
• Do a jigsaw or crossword puzzle.
• Draw or paint a picture.
• Write a letter, e-mail, journal entry, or poem or short story.
• Sit in a comfortable place with a warm drink (decaffeinated and non-alcoholic is best).
• Lie down and take time to reflect.
• Go for a scenic drive.
• Sit outside or take a walk someplace where you can enjoy nature.
• Go for a manicure, pedicure, massage, or another spa treatment.
• Exercise.

I can't tell you how to balance your responsibilities in the time zones of real life and recovery, but I can encourage you to simply do the best that you can. Try to stay focused on healing, but also recognize that it's okay to take some breaks and do what you need to do in the real world. Keep in mind that the better you heal and the more strength and energy you have, the easier it will be for you to resume your former responsibilities and care for those who depend on you. As William Shakespeare observed, "Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting."
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Awareness is definitely the first step. Just like the first step for an addict is to acknowledge what she or he does, YOU must acknowledge that you want to heal. Then you can follow Dr. Silver's program. If you or someone you love have a physical illness or injury, check out Super Healing to get tools and suggestions for taking control of healing.

Interview with Daylle

Today Kerri Fivecoat-Campbell posted an interview with me on her blog, K.C.'s Write For You. This blog is about the freelance writing life life, which I'm part of. If you'd like to know a little more about me in relation to my career, check it out! http://kcwrithttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gife4u.blogspot.com/2007/10/straight-talk.html

What Do You Really Want?

I was just talking to a music producer who said that when a new client comes in, the first thing he asks is “What exactly do you want?” Musicians are often surprised that he asks, and even more surprise when they can’t quite articulate an answer. It’s so easy to lose your own opinion and needs when you’re used to someone guiding you in certain situations.

I’m a pretty outspoken chick these days but realized I do it too. That’s why I call myself a recovering Doormat instead of a recovered one. We all want to be liked and to please those we care about. And it’s fine to do things to please them. But you need to become more aware of not letting it become a habit that sells your needs short. I have to stay conscious of not automatically deferring to someone else. Just like I have to be conscious of what I eat, I must be careful about not letting others influence my decisions in ways I’ll later regret.

Without being aware, you can get into a habit of not thinking for yourself.

It can start innocently—doing things the way mom wants to appease her, deferring to someone who’s more experienced, or getting into patterns in a relationship in situations that your partner takes charge of early on. It’s not necessarily bad. Sometimes other people can make better decisions about something you don’t know enough about. Or care about.

But it also sells your ability to do, or learn how to do something short!

DoorMats rarely think for themselves. They let others dictate their choices and tell them what they should want. Falling into the “whatever you want” trap is especially common in relationships if you’re insecure. In my DoorMat days, I went along with whatever my guy wanted and lost track of my real preferences as I made his mine. When I took a few steps forward, it was hard to even know what to choose. I had to free my mind in order to figure out what I wanted, without influence from others.

Knowing what you want and asking for it is very empowering!

Yet we often don’t realize that we still follow in some situations until we’re asked, “what do you really want?” The aforementioned producer said musicians are used to being guided without realizing it. Having done recording when I had a record label, I remember how opinionated producers and recording. engineers can be. I worked with some who were downright know-it-alls. They insisted on telling me how to do my recordings. It was hard to hold my own when someone more experienced was resolute that he knew better than me. I went along with what they insisted on. And I didn’t get what deep down I knew I wanted. It made me angry!

Until I took some time to figure out what I did want, and took a firm stand with those who disagreed.

Talking to the producer made me realize why I’ve been having such a hard time deciding how I want my new website. When I first started out writing music business books, an industry guy offered to make me a site for free. It was 1997 and I was an Internet newbie, and low on funds. So the offer of a free website was wonderful. He designed it and I was grateful.

A few years ago, a good friend decided to build me a new site for Christmas. I’d outgrown the first one and needed something better. He was sure he knew what I wanted and implemented it. I tried to assert myself more but he’d already done a lot of work. When I tried to tell him what I’d like changed but he got defensive so I let it go and just accepted his vision. Freebies can come with a cost! I do like it. But it wasn’t what I’d have chosen.

Now, someone else has offered me a new site because he appreciates how much he got out of my recent workshop. He put a template together as a sample to work from and sent it to me. It was okay but wasn’t me. I put off responding for two weeks as I tried to figure out what to say to another person who was building my site as a favor. I felt blocked, knowing I wanted something different but unable to figure out what. I finally told him—gently—that it wasn’t me and I was struggling with it.

He immediately said it was NO problem if I disagreed and he wanted this to be 1,000% me. Free at last!

Once Pat reassured that he wanted it MY way, the floodgates opened. What an amazing feeling. Until then, I hadn’t felt permission to really think outside of what was given to me. I was so used to being told how my website should be that I couldn’t visualize beyond what I saw. Once given permission to say what I liked and didn’t like, my creative juices took over. My blocks dissolved as I got excited about having a website that truly represented me and what I do.

It’s hard to know what you really want. When you’re used to pleasing everyone, thoughts go through your head, sometimes subconsciously—“what do I want, or what do I think the person I want to please wants me to want.” It can screw up decision making big-time! But you CAN break the habit of thinking in someone else’s box!

* Accept that you might have a habit of letting others influence decisions you’d rather make for yourself. Awareness is the beginning of any change. Habits, especially those you do subconsciously, need to be identified before they can be broken.

* Don’t beat yourself up for having that habit. It’s normal to do create patterns that allow others to guide you. We all do it. Forgive yourself if necessary and be grateful you learned this. Some never do!

* Don’t make snap decisions. Those are the ones you more likely make out of habit. If you think a little first, you might catch yourself gravitating to someone else’s point of view.

* Think about past decisions and who might have influenced them. Write them down. Ask yourself which ones you completely agreed with and figure out who may really have more knowledge or a better perspective that you can go to for future input.

* Think in terms of input rather than the final word. It’s good to take into consideration what others think. None of us know everything. Practice absorbing what others say and making decisions after reflecting on what others think. Their way might turn out to be the best for you.

* Ask yourself, “what do I want?” Turn off decision-making autopilot! Really push the boundaries of thinking to figure out your own heart’s choices. Give yourself time and permission to explore possibilities.

It’s lovely to realize that all decisions are in your hands. The first time I ignored what I was being strongly advised to do, I felt a rush of joy. MY way. I wanted MY way. And I got it by deciding to have it! Now I can’t wait to see the end result of my new website. MY way! Empower yourself by getting into the habit of thinking for yourself. It’s a loving act that will make you want more!

Scary Bachelor Used Kisses

I just caught the end of The Bachelor. Had to. It’s comedy on the one hand. But it sends a very sad message on the other. They all hoped to kiss this bigger than life man. Each woman lunged for his mouth when the opportunity was there, not caring who might have been there not long before her. Yuck! I'm glad it's on at 10 so there are less young girls watching and getting a sorry message.

Talk about stomping on your empowerment! Thinking of him as a husband after knowing him for just a short time. Praying for his attention. Jealous of so many other women who vie for and get his attention. The stereotypes it reinforces is shameful. Women need to own themselves first! And then there was the blond who didn’t get picked. Crying about how she hoped they’d get married! Lady, you barely know him! She actually, through tears, said many things like:

“I’m going home empty-handed.” You have yourself honey! Stop looking to find the man who’s a prize like something in a box of Cracker Jacks! Even if he picked you, you’d still be going home empty-handed if you don’t value your own worth! Since leaving DoorMatville, I always go home full, because I'm great company solo!

“I wanted my dad to be proud of me.” What kind of dad would be proud of a daughter who makes a fool of herself on TV and competes for the attention of one guy, like there’s no one else for you. Didn’t your dad teach you to have some self-respect? I guess not.

I'll try not to peek at the show next week but no promises. It's fascinating how it just keeps getting worse!

Shake Your Head & Then Get Your Butt Movin’

In my last post, Chris Melton talked about how your must walk the walk of your dreams by taking action. It’s easy to dream and hard to enact them. Are you one of those dreamers? I had many back when I lived in DoorMatville but they existed only in my head. I’d smile at the thoughts, then feel down when I couldn’t get myself to act. It made me feel powerless.

Ashleigh Brilliant said, "Good ideas are common—what's uncommon are people who'll work hard enough to bring them about."

We all get good ideas. But only some of us do the work. The more work you do, the more empowered you feel. Chris Melton’s friend designed The Rotator to help his own injured shoulder. It helped with his healing and they decided to manufacture them for sale so that many people could be helped by it. It was a great dream. But Chris helped make it a reality. His passion and belief in the product spurred him on. Slowly, people are finding out how well it works and orders and publicity are coming it.

He didn’t pray for it, or hope for it. Or sit around waiting. He used hard work to make it happen! If you have a dream, ask yourself:

How badly do I want it?
How much work am I WILLING to put into it?

If you just sort of want it, leave it alone. If you’re not willing to do the work, ask yourself why. WILLING is the key word. You may not be ready to go full steam at this moment, but are you WILLING to get into gear to do so? Are you WILLING to consider what needs to be done? If you believe that you are WILLING, say affirmations to get you in motion.

“I am willing to open myself up to what needs to be done.”
”I am willing to do what it takes!”

Until you are willing, you’ll be putting your energy into making excuses for not getting what you say you want. Don’t waste that energy! If you’re not willing, let it go. Being willing to put it out is a good first step. It let’s the Universe know that you’re getting serious and can lead to situations where you might meet people who help or guide you.

Use Your Passion To Reach Your Potential

This week Chris Melton is my guest blogger. He’s an entrepreneur who markets The Rotator, a devise that rotates the shoulder to increase its range of motion. He’s also the author of www.soupornuts.com, a blog dedicated to inspiration and motivation.

Use Your Passion To Reach Your Potential
Everybody says that they want to get ahead, take it to the next level or become successful. But what do they do about it? We have become a society of waiters, hopers, dreamers, slackers and wanters.

We wait for our ship to come in.
We hope to hit the lottery.
We want to get a promotion.
We want to change to a more rewarding career.
We want everything, we just don’t want to exert any effort

We just don’t want to have to do anything. We have drifted a long way from the attitudes of our forefathers who hacked a civilization out of the North American wilderness. But they didn’t have very much choice in the matter. They didn’t have the luxury of a Starbucks on every corner, a Walmart right down the street and Domino’s pizza delivered right to the front door.

In order to have more, we’ve got to be more and that requires doing more.

If it is your desire to have more stuff (money,etc.) then you must be more marketable. Your skills have to become more valuable. To increase your value, you must do the things that add to your value.

1. DEVELOP YOUR PASSION Do you have a passion? If so, what is it? Here's a clue: you become proficient at your passion. That's not to say that you will become a great guitar player if guitar is your passion, but that you can become very knowledgeable about the various aspects of the guitar. Knowledge is marketable, by the way.

Ask anyone about their passion and they will speak for hours (if you let them), describing the various nuances of the topic. What's the point? If you have passion, then you have fuel. That's what passion is. Fuel.

It motivates you
It empowers you
It stirs you
It intrigues you
It inspires you
It is the first step on the rung of the ladder that can take you from mediocrity to excellence

Determining your passion is much easier than you think. Ask yourself, "What is it that you love to do?"

2. BECOME MORE KNOWLEDGEABLE ABOUT YOUR PASSION This is not hard to do because you love this topic. You are probably quite knowledgeable of the subject right now. But if you want to translate your passion into something that can become profitable, then you are going to need to know how this can be accomplished.

Are others making money on some aspect of your passion?
How are they doing it?
Is it a good business model?
Can you develop a better business model?

If you are passionate about anything, the chances are that there is someone else out there who is just as passionate as you are about the same thing. The beauty of living today is that with the unlimited reach of the internet, you can connect with those who share your passion.

Start a blog—-tell the world how you feel about your passion. My passions are entrepreneurship and motivation. I have this blog and am involved in two more (Shoulder Performance & Rehab and MY-TOOL Talks ). Am I passionate about them? You bet! And, yes, it does take a lot of time.

Build a business--if you can connect with enough people via the internet, then you can create an income stream. How? Well, if I told you everything then there would be nothing for you to do. It's your passion, discover how to monetize it. It's not as hard as you may think.

If you have are having a hard time getting motivated then you don't have a passion. What you have is an interest. You'd like to know more, but it's really not important enough to devote any time or effort to. Don't try to fool yourself. Get a dictionary and look up the meaning of passion. You cannot ignore your passion.

3. Get busy doing something about your passion Too many people spend too much time getting ready to do something, but never pull the trigger and actually follow through. Take a chance. Take a small step. Explore your options and then do something.

You will not be remembered for:

what you think
what you say
what you feel
how smart you are
how strong you are
but you will be remembered for what you do!!!

DO SOMETHING TODAY!!!

Double Standard Alert: Half Naked Guys Fine! Bikini Topped Girls Banned

I’m getting very tired of seeing double standards against females sanctioned. Guys are still the princes of society in many circles and get away with so much more! Females are held to much higher standards in many situations. This was illustrated in Bradenton, FL on Friday night when Jessyca Altenbach and Monica Cummings, seniors at Manatee High School decided to show their school spirit at a home football game in the same way that boys do.

BUT, unlike the boys, they were forced to leave the stadium. Their crime: wearing shorts and bikini tops and painting their bodies the school colors.

It’s okay for guys to come to games completely shirtless, with painted chests, their pants hanging down and their boxers or butts hanging out. That what guys do. Jessyca and Monica weren’t as exposed. They had on bikini tops. Their vitals were covered. No nipples or butt cracks showing, something not uncommon with guys. But Margi Nanney, the spokesperson for the Manatee County School district said they got complaints that from afar the girls looked like they were naked and found it offensive. Hello! They weren’t naked and were less exposed than many painted males.

Cheerleaders are acceptable in often teeny skirts that reveal cheerleader panties when they jump and twirl. That's considered okay. Guys get turned on watching these scantily clad girls climb on each others shoulders and dance. That's okay! But different isn't!

Boys do more as they please and get away with much of it. “Boys will be boys!” Girls are expected to be pristine.

These girls asked a school resource officer for permission ahead of time and he said he saw nothing wrong with it. While school officials said there were many complaints, the girls say they were greeted warmly. They never saw a single person upset by their appearance.

I’m not saying there were no complaints. There will always be people with gripes. I can understand why some folks didn’t like seeing girls whose bikini tops were painted the same color as their bodies. But I’d bet a lot that when guys first began showing up to events shirtless and painted, there were plenty of complaints that were pooh-poohed, the way complaints against the girls should have been.

To say that girls who have no sexual body parts exposed must cover up while boys freely roam shirtless is sexual discrimination.

We need to be more vigilant about separate standards that exclude females from behavior that’s accepted in guys. Otherwise, it can begins with something small like this and escalate into more rigid differences if it isn’t addressed immediately. People may not like the way some girls dress, but that doesn’t make it wrong. I’m sometimes appalled by the tight, short skirts I see on young girls and want to smack their mothers for allowing it. But I don’t. We can set moral standards at home with our own kids. But opinions aren’t laws or rules. There must be the same set for everyone.

It’s unfair to set double standards for girls who aren’t breaking any rules.

I’ve read accounts about this that make the issue more about being at a school function in proper attire. While I agree that schools have the right to make rules, these rules were different between the sexes. Either shirts should be on or off. Personally, I think it was all funny. The girls looked cute—feminine versions of the maniac football fan. Those who were offended probably have issues with many standards and have a hard time getting their heads out of their rears. Or maybe it was just a few prissy school personnel projecting their own moral values onto those in the stands.

Either way, the girls broke no rules and are owed a public apology, and a refund for their tickets.

Down with The Bachelor--You Can’t Win Love on TV!

Last night I flipped on The Bachelor for a peek and was horrified. This show is so degrading to women!! Considering how we're supposed to be getting more empowered, this show is going backwards! I know much of it is probably scripted. But still. How can all those attractive, fit women vie for what they treat as a PRIZE??! Yet there they are, strutting their stuff and doing whatever they can to compete for the heart of one man. Meanwhile young women are getting the image of gorgeous women being pathetic in the pursuit of a man.

What an awful message it sends to single women!

It’s bad enough to see these women getting all-emotional about getting a rose each week. Begging, pleading, praying for one. Like true love will evaporate without one. Don’t any of these women have a life? Or self-respect? Last night they were crawling around on the floor, begging for a rose. Putting on a show for this man whose ego must be blown up beyond belief. Degrading themselves to impress this one man into believing she cares for him the most. Is any man worth that?

NO! You can’t negotiate, score, or plead for real love.

How can women feel empowered when they still believe that happiness won’t be theirs without a man? It’s a frightening message to other women, especially young ones! I HATE the idea of teenage girls watching this show. Too many women believe they need a man to complete them. Watching these attractive women beg for a rose and pray this man will choose them makes an average looking chick even more insecure about getting her own guy. The Bachelor reinforces the mindset I encourage women to get rid of.

Desperation! Our society reinforces that women get desperate for a romantic partner.

The Bachelor reinforces what I’ve been writing about in an effort to help women learn to empower themselves. In All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise, http://www.daylle.com/daylle/bookinfo-jerks.html I try to help women learn to value themselves. Why treat men as a prize. I consider myself a prize for any guy lucky enough to be with me. ☺ Women need to learn to value themselves and get a life! It makes them more attractive and also feels better.

This show illustrates desperation at the next level. Why aren’t women taught to value themselves as a prize?

Love takes time to develop. These women fall in love in a week. That’s not real love. It’s neediness! And it defiles real love. They sob that they were hoping to find true love here. Hello! Even scripted, it sucks, and reinforces the need for a man. It’s rare to find love on a TV show. I don’t think any of the many bachelors ended up with the chosen woman. They all broke up once they got to know each other in real life. I could be wrong but the only couple I know of who married is Trista and Ryan. And SHE chose him on The Bachelorette!

What happened to The Bachelorette??

Interesting how that show didn’t do well enough to continue. Is it not taken seriously that men would vie for one woman? Was it too scary to see a woman in control? This one-way romance game show is unfair! Why not show women as a prize too? We are, once we recognize it! ☺

7 Random Things You May Not Know About Me

I’ve been tagged by Lorraine Cohen at Powerfull Living to participate in the meme asking to share 7 random things about myself and then tag other blogs. Hmmmm…. Here goes!

1. When I went to Alaska last summer, I had a few days at a wilderness lodge. I had to fly in a teeny plane. The thought of it scared me. I almost didn’t go. But I had to, since I didn’t know when I’d be in Alaska again. It was an exhilarating experience, one I’ll never forget. And I had 3 of the best days of my life in the Alaskan wilderness.

2. I was the first white female rapper. I was teaching school in Hollis Queens and my students dared me to make a rap record. There were only a few female rappers and no white ones. I didn’t want the kids believing that stereotypes could stop them so I learned to rap and made 2 rap records.

3. I was raised in the Bronx and developed a Bronx accent. After my first year of college I went to California with a friend. Everyone asked if we were from the Bronx. I became determined to get rid of it. I began mimicking people who spoke well. Since I went to school with people from all over, I absorbed bits and pieces of accents from different areas of the country. People often comment about my nice speaking voice. They try to guess where I’m from—usually Midwest with a hint of California. That’s because my accent is a mutt—a bit of here and there.

4. I’m a walk-a-holic. I’ve been walking everywhere my whole life. Living in midtown Manhattan I often walk to Brooklyn and back. Walking give me energy. I get some of my best ideas for writing while I walk. Some people think I’m crazy when they hear I walked over to them. Or walked miles to a favorite café with my laptop. But it’s all pleasure and helps keep me fit.

5. I’ve been doing weight training for 6 years. My trainer says I’m the only woman he’s worked with who can bench press 35-pound dumbbells. I love working on my form. When I was younger I tried going to a gym and hated it. The guys made me feel uncomfortable when I wanted to work with free weights. So I quit, even though I loved doing it. Now I get respect in the gym. I was featured in the weight-training chapter of The Female Athlete’s Body Book.

6. I love being alone. If I don’t get enough solo time, I get frazzled. I’m NEVER bored. There are always many things I want to do and am joyful when there’s time to do what I want. So loneliness is a word that never refers to me.

7. Travel is a big passion for me. I’m a country girl living in Manhattan. My soul is in the Rocky Mountains though anywhere in nature makes me happy—mountains, ocean, forest. I have an amazingly peaceful apartment in midtown but need to get away regularly to feel grounded. If you invite me for a visit, be warned, I may come! ☺


Now that I’ve shared something about me I’m throwing the meme out and tagging these bloggers to continue it:

Karen Lynch
Chris Melton

Desiderata Project

Bob at the every every minute blog came up with an interesting project this month. Throughout the month of October, he has guest posts from a variety of bloggers offering his or her personal interpretations and reflections of a few lines of Desiderata, a poem by Max Ehrmann. Desiderata means desired things. This poem has been published in many places is has bee subject to many interpretations.

Bob posted the schedule for each post on his Desiderata page. He linked each blogger there. I'm honored to be one of them. Check out the different posts for some great enlightenment!

Reach for the Sky

I’ve been laughed at since leaving DoorMatville. People can’t believe some of my ambitions or the dreams that I say I intend to make real. They couldn’t imagine how I might think about getting the things I went after. Yet I got some of them! I used to feel limited in what I could hope to do. Now, the sky’s the limit!

Many folks stick their feet tightly in the rut life puts them in. They peek out and don’t seek out much more than they have, assuming it’s too late or too much. It can be easier to look straight ahead instead of looking up and up and up. So when an oddball like me talks really big, folks laugh. Maybe it’s nervousness—it might rub off on them and they can’t handle it. Or maybe they really think I’m nuts. I couldn’t care less. I’m the one flying high while they hover just above the ground.

In 1996 I decided I was ready to get published and announced to anyone who’d listen that I intended to have 3 book deals in one year. I heard many snickers and was told that was impossible. It takes over a year to get the first book out so I should be grateful for the one. But I don’t listen to can’ts! I got my first book deal in July 1996, and my third made it just under the wire in July 1997. Since then I’ve continued to aim high.

Artist and sculptor Michelangelo said, "The greater danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it."

Don’t settle for what you think is your limit! Fear of failure can make us lower standards or not seek what we should. Often people tell us what we can and can’t go after. I had boundaries on which guys were okay to think about dating. There were many I felt were out of my league, so I didn’t go near them. It was the same with jobs and travel. I became a teacher because I felt unprepared for anything else. I’ve always had a passion for travel but visiting family in Miami was the most I’d do.

Until I woke up and accepted that limits were my CHOICE. So was making dreams come true.

Now I’ll approach any guy who interests me, with confidence. I go after work that interests me, even if I’ve never done it before, and travel the world. One of my biggest dreams was to go to Alaska on my own. I did it last summer—for 18 glorious days! Nothing is out of my reach anymore. Nothing! I may not get everything I go after, but getting less is still often a lot more than what I settled for.

If you don’t expect much, you probably won’t get much. When you go for the gold, you might get silver but silver is nice too! Dreaming large is a lovely long distance from DoorMatville!




I appreciate having one of my articles included in these blog carnivals.
http://www.lifeinsurancelowdown.com/2007/10/carnival_of_life_happiness_and_meaning_20.html

Debunking the Wish Fairy Myth!

Many of my clients wistfully say a version of, “I just wish [THIS] would happen or work out.” Or “If only someone would help me.” I’ve got news for you boys and girls! These thoughts will just keep you in DreamLand. Just like Santa, the wish fairy doesn’t exist!

I lived in a state of wishful thinking when I was a DoorMat. I yearned for what others had without doing anything further and kept hoping that my wish fairy would miraculously appear and make my dreams would come true. Back then my wishful thinking as big as anyone else’s. I’d fantasize about having the perfect man and play out how I’d feel if I could ever find a way to leave my teaching job, which I hated. I wonder what it was like to look in the mirror without hating what I saw. Yet nothing materialized.

I waited. And waited. And felt angry and frustrated.

It felt like I was destined to be unhappy. Where was that wish fairy I kept wishing for!!?! Many of us are subconsciously in fairy tale mode. Waiting, wishing, getting angry and frustrated when the wish fairy never visits. TV and movies have the happy endings we all believe should just come. I waited for the wish fairy for years.

Until I realized I that I had to be my own wish fairy.

Ahhhh… I woke up a little. Wishing was getting me nowhere but frustrated. It was up to me to make my wishes come true. Sitting around feeling sorry for myself kept me in a wishing rut and made everything seem more unattainable. When my wish fairy didn’t wave her magic wand, I’d get discouraged, which made it even harder for me to take action. I finally understood that I needed to wave my own magic wand to make things happen!

And I did!

Life gets better when you take control of your own outcomes. First, figure out exactly what you really want. It’s harder to make your wishes come true if you don’t know exactly what they are. Often we think broadly, instead of honing in on what’s really desired. Your magic wand is the action you take to make your dreams become real life experiences! Dreaming in bed is nice if you like fantasy. I prefer reality—seeing my dreams materialize into my experiences.

Do you want to have your own “magic wand”? You can, if you turn wishes into intentions.
“I wish I could have a career I enjoy” can be “I intend to find a career that makes me happy.”
“I hope to find a romantic p