Personal Development List

There's a huge list of personal development blogs being circulated and I'm honored to be part of it. This list was created by Priscilla Palmer. She has a wonderful blog with all sorts of great suggestions. I advise you check her out.

The list is large. I couldn't get it to post here so you can go to Priscilla's site to see it. Personal Development List

I appreciate having one of my articles added to these blog Carnivals:
http://www.fitbuff.com/total-mind-and-body-fitness-blog-carnival-17/
http://thetallpoppy.blogspot.com/2007/09/welcome-to-september-30-2007-edition-of.html
http://www.andrewiandodge.com/2007/10/01/blackpool_boms/

Are Women Less Happy than Men?

An article in the NY Times this week was called He’s Happier, She’s Less So It discussed the results of a study that said nowadays, men are happier. Years ago, studies showed women to be the happier of the sexes. But times have changed!

One difference pointed out is that men enjoy being with their families more. One reason assessed is that women associate visits to parents more with tasks, men with watching ballgames on TV and relaxing. I agree with that, and more. Growing up, girls are expected to help around the house. Guys are often more pampered by mom. And catered to. A guy’s experience is more fun than having to clear the table or do the dishes.

The study also notes that women have more work than ever, with full time jobs at work and home. In the past, women were taught that happiness came from having a husband, a clean house and kids. Nowadays that doesn’t cut it. Yet many women still look to marriage and kids as key factors for attaining happiness. Unfortunately, many go to great lengths to achieve those goals and discover that they’re still not happy.

Putting all your energy into searching for and trapping a husband can wear you out. You might feel like a loser if you don’t find someone, as folks ask when you’re going to find a husband. Many men are happy playing with their tech toys, watching sports, drinking with friends, and more. Women haven’t quite learned how to have as much fun without a partner. Some do. I do. But more don’t.

Women also have more overt happiness busters. There’s so much pressure on us to look good—have a fat-free body, youthful skin, well-behaved hair, etc. Most of us don’t come by all of those things naturally and the struggle to attain them can dampen happiness. But the a belief that women need to look a certain way to get a man keeps triggers a need to keep trying to improve appearance.

I had the husband but it didn’t make me happy, since twenty was too young for me to have a life. At the moment I don’t even have a boyfriend, yet I think I’m happier than a great majority of women in relationships. I love my work and life feels wonderful. While I’m open to meeting a guy who’d make my life more delicious, I’m not out hunting for one. I know he’ll be there at the right time. Strong faith allows me to relax and be happy either way.

It takes developing a life on your own to be happy. Male or female, if your don’t feel in control of your life and aren’t content on your own, it’s hard to feel consistently happy. You might have happy moments. But they don’t last long. Pay attention to what you consider circumstances for being happy. Then reevaluate them, since you shouldn’t need circumstances if you’re happy on the inside. Once I consciously did more loving things for me, my happiness lasted longer and longer. Now it’s an overriding feeling every day. You can find that too and change the results of the study I referred to!

Break the Binge Habit

I’m delighted to have Rena Greenberg as a guest blogger. Rena is President of Wellness Seminars, Inc. and the author of several books about diet and weight loss (more at the end of the article). I believe that part of developing self-empowerment is learning to control your eating habits. Rena has some great suggestions for doing that! I had some serious cravings as I began this, tried some of Rena's suggestions, and I'm no longer needing to eat.☺

Break the Binge Habit
by Rena Greenberg
There is a magic question that you can ask yourself when you are about to reach for the last cookie in the box, finish the macaroni and cheese on your son’s plate, make a beeline for the refrigerator mindlessly, or pick at the desert that your husband is indulging in. This inquiry can help you to break the binge habit instantly. It is very simple, but extremely effective. The question is: “What is it that I am truly needing?”

In most cases, when you stop to ask yourself, “What am I needing? “ you will discover that it is not chocolate, cheese or pasta that you are craving, but rather a quality, such as peace, safety, comfort, love or even energy—a greater connection to your own life force. Just stopping whatever you are doing, taking a deep breath, and asking yourself, “What am I needing?” can be a tremendous gift you can give to yourself. First of all, it gives you an opportunity to PAUSE and take a moment for yourself. A deep breath not only gives all the cells of your body much needed oxygen, but a chance for you to break the momentum of mindless, automatic, stress-induced eating behaviors.

Then, you can go inside and determine what you are feeling. Do a quick scan of your body and notice any areas of tightness or tension. Without any judgment, give these areas some attention. Take a moment to pay attention to the feelings in your belly, jaw, pelvis and neck and shoulders. These are areas where you may be holding tension. Put your hand over the area that feels tight and send yourself some love. Ask yourself again, “What am I needing?” If you hear any voices coming up, telling you a story about why you are feeling the way you are, let them go, and stay with the feeling. It is through staying with the feeling and assessing what you are needing—and then giving it to yourself—that you can receive the true healing and free yourself from the mindless binge eating, of the past.

Perhaps when you take a moment to go inside and feel the sensations in your body, you realize that you have a strong need for some peace and relaxation. Even if your outer environment is chaotic and stressful in the moment, you can still breathe in peace and relaxation to the parts of yourself that need it the most. Put some space around the area of your body that feels tight, and imagine surrounding that place inside your self with a white or golden healing light. Let the quality of peace fill all the cells of your body, with a particular focus on the area that needs the most attention. Then imagine that you can put some space, and light, around your entire body. Take in this new feeling of peace. Allow the relaxation to infiltrate your entire being, and imagine any tension you are holding melting away.

Before you dip your fork into that rich, sugary cake on your husband’s plate—only to feel disgust with yourself moments later—just take a moment to inquire what is really going on for you. When you take the time to look within, you may get a sense that you are feeling anxious, and are reaching for carbohydrates as a familiar and habitual way to soothe yourself.

Instead, try this. Ask yourself “what am I needing,” and take a moment to let the answer come to you. If you get the answer, “peace” for example, ask yourself if there is anything else that you also need. Let the answer come from deep inside yourself. Perhaps it’s not just peace that you are longing for, but also a feeling of safety. Take the time to breathe in both peace and safety. Then imagine with all your senses that these qualities are flowing into you and filling you.

Visualize and sense a blanket of safety and relaxation being wrapped around you. Allow a light of protection to surround you, and imagine that this protection comes from a higher plane of existence, where you can have access to a deeper peace and connection with all of life, than you may have conscious awareness of, here in this world. It is by setting your intention to connect to this higher plane of existence, that you can begin to access it. Allow the higher light to literally feed and transform your cells. Notice if your true hunger is perhaps a longing for greater love and connection to your deeper self.

Look at the food you were about to reach for and ask yourself, “Do I really want this?” “How is this food going to make me feel?” Project yourself forward in time and imagine that you just ate the offending food. Witness yourself stuffing the cookies in your mouth, or inhaling your son’s left over pasta, as you may have done so many times in the past, and then let yourself experience your typical feelings after the predictable binge. Feel the familiar feelings of guilt and regret, and with joy, realize that you are making a new choice. Allow yourself to feel the sense of empowerment that accompanies your decision to act in a new way.

Each time you STOP, breathe, and ask yourself the magic question, “What am I really needing?” and then take a moment to give yourself that quality that your being is longing for—instead of mindlessly stuffing food into your mouth—you are creating momentum for a new, more positive set of behaviors to become natural to you. One day, in the not too distant future, you’ll find yourself automatically throwing the leftover macaroni in the trash, or putting the cookies in the freezer, or not even paying attention to what your husband is eating, and realize that at a very deep level your entire relationship to food has changed. Remember to celebrate by giving yourself what you are truly needing!

Rena Greenberg is the author of The Right Weigh: Six Steps to Permanent Weight Loss used by over 100,000 People (Hay House Publishing 2006) and The Craving Cure: Break the Hold Carbs and Sweets Have on Your Life (McGraw-Hill 2007). She conducts weight loss seminars using hypnosis at hospitals throughout the country on a regular basis. Rena’s unique weight loss program has been featured in Woman’s World Magazine, Body & Soul Magazine, Quick and Simple Magazine and in over 30 television stories, including nationally on FOX TV. Check out her website at EasyWillpower.com

Don’t Reduce Your Price!

Stores have markdown sales in order to move inventory or get rid of products that aren’t selling. It’s good business sense to do it at appropriate times. But the practice is self-defeating if you reduce your own value. Whether it’s for business or pleasure, many of us give ourselves away in ways that create feelings of being less worthy of receiving compensation or good treatment.

We devalue ourselves in many situations, and then wonder why we’re never happy. Hello! How can you attract happy situations if you sell your value short? When I was a DoorMat, I had a dirt-cheap exchange rate:

* I put off asking for more money when I had a job because I thought my boss might get angry.
* I did work that only people in much higher positions did—and did it well—but kept quiet after I mentioned I should be paid more and got laughter.
* I did all sorts of nice things for each guy I was involved with, even when they did little for me besides crumbs of sweetness alternating with disrespectful behavior.
* I wrote and spoke for free because I didn’t value my gift enough to give it monetary value.
* I did favors whenever asked, even though there was rarely help when I needed it.
* I loaned money that never got repaid, yet continued loaning more to the same people.

DoorMats wait to be walked on and give themselves away. They take crumbs instead of expecting to get the whole enchilada. That makes you settle for less. Most people are at least somewhat insecure. When you have even a little self-doubt, guilt about not helping someone, or a lack of confidence, it’s easier to hesitate to give yourself value or not recognize it in the first place. That’s what fuels living in Doormatville!

When you focus on your value, it’s harder to let people take advantage of you or your skills. You CAN get into the habit of viewing yourself as a valuable person by paying attention to how you handle yourself in situation where people take advantage of you.

If you don’t value YOU, why should anyone else?

People get cues from you. If you walk into a room slumped, not making eye contact, and speak without conviction, you’ve lost respect at the gate. Looking insecure helps people assume they can take what they want. Acting like you have no value attracts the buzzards, who see you as road kill to nibble on. When you act like you’re a somebody—and you are a somebody—SURPISE! People treat you like a somebody.

If you want to be happy and whole, find your value and make it a high one!

Self-value begins in your head. Even if you don’t feel super good about yourself, you can begin to do things to build yourself up:

* Repeat affirmations such a: “I approve of myself right now.” “I have great value.” “I deserve to get paid for my skills.” Find more of your own!
* Look in the mirror regularly and say, “I love you.” Point at yourself and say, “YOU’VE got great value!”
* List all your good qualities and ask friends for suggestions if you need more. Read it a lot to bolster your confidence.
* Practice walking with good posture. It helps you feel better about yourself and makes a better impression.
* Become more conscious of how you de-value yourself-worth. Nobody does that for you! It’s YOUR choice!
* Hang a sign prominently with your version of, “I intend to get what I deserve and that’s A LOT!” If you see it often enough, you’ll start to believe it.

Remind yourself that God wants you to have abundance and to be treated well!

No one has to believe your value at first but YOU. Once you accept it, others will too. It will show in how you carry yourself and your attitude. Many women validate themselves by the man they’re with. Many men by how much money they make. But your value begins with accepting yourself as a person. Otherwise you’ll take a lot of crap from a romantic partner if you’re scared of being alone or from a boss if getting a new job feels scary or your mother if you feel you have to let her dump on you since she’s your mother. NOT! As I said, that’s the express track to DoorMatville.

Start slow and find ways to be more loving to you. One baby step at a time is all it takes to get to a place of value. If you have serious issues, get a therapist to work through them with you. Then become more conscious of your value, incorporate it into your demeanor and expect to get back what you’re worth! When you truly expect it, you’ll get a lot more goodies! If this recovering DoorMat who thought she was fat and ugly and useless could become an extremely valuable person, you can too!

Is Britney a Rotten Mom?

Britney, Britney, Britney! Your world is falling apart around you and you don’t have resources to stop it. Yes, you have plenty of money. And know lots of people. But your head is shot from trying to deal with stuff beyond your experience and years. You were never taught to cope on your own, as a woman. Everyone made decisions for you. And now you’re lost, spiraling through life on a crash course with no one to stop you. Your good intentions for being a mom are empty without knowing what to do.

It’s easy for us to take pot shots at Brit. She’s so publicly out there, damaging herself for all the world to see. But it doesn’t matter how old she is and that she has kids. Brit hasn’t grown up yet. That’s the truth. Most of us didn’t have life handed over. We had to earn respect, our jobs and our sense of self. Brit let her parents and manager lead her along to become a Pop Princess. She doesn’t even know how to be a real person! Everything in her life is about facades and media. And I’m guessing, getting some goodies from guys.

Brit has no self in her self-image. It was manufactured and sold to the public. But she also sold out developing as a solid person. Now she’s lost. I remember how long ago she talked about how she couldn’t wait to get married and be a mother. So she handpicked Federline and got married. Didn’t even know him well. He’s probably good in bed and she fell in love with his style and rolling in the sheets with him. That doesn’t create a solid relationship.

Brit has no relationship with herself, so the marriage was doomed. She was used to getting what she wants. She saw Federline, had him flown to her, and then he did her good in bed so she married him. The signs she should dump him were there, like his pregnant girlfriend. But she was used to having what she wanted so she married him. Now folks question her mothering skills. Hello! She’s not a real mother. She had 2 babies but it takes more than birthing to be a mom.

There are many lousy moms out there, especially those with babies who are still kids themselves. But Brit is in the spotlight and everyone points fingers. She can’t love herself if she abuses her body and soul as she does. One needs strength on the inside to navigate life and especially to raise kids. Being a mom isn’t easy for most people. It’s very rewarding, but there are times when ya just want to scream and have someone come take the little ones so you can have peace. Brit uses junk food to calm the kids and drug/alcohol to calm herself and help her forget that her dream of marriage and kids has turned her life into a nightmare.

Brit has no boundaries or folks she trusts. People always made decisions for her. I imagine at least one reason she dropped her parents and managers is because they kept telling her what to do. Looks like she doesn’t want that anymore. She needs loving guidance, not demands or orders. Mandating won’t really help. And can you just see Brit intently taking notes at a parenting class? If she does show up, her mind probably won’t be there. Everyone’s forced their control on her for years. It’s not a healthy path but I understand it. She’s rebelling.

Few people like it when a parent or anyone close tells you what to do in that “I know what’s best for you” tone. Brit wants to make her own decisions but has flung herself from one direction (of being managed carefully) to the opposite extreme—being totally on her own without knowing how to make good choices. It’s easy to judge; it’s harder to have compassion for someone who is obviously hurting. Having the money and fame that many would kill to have makes Brit someone to scorn, not feel sorry for.

I have GREAT compassion for Britney Spears. She’s lost, doesn’t know who to trust, and can’t find people to guide, not order her, to a healthier place. Then there are people like Tony Barretto, her former bodyguard, who tells stories as if Brit is the only mom doing the things he talks about on national TV.

I’d believe his supposedly good intention more if Gloria Allred wasn’t orchestrating his concerned spouting of Brit’s laundry publicly.

A lot of people have been unkind in their comments about Tony. I read many on my favorite gossip column, PerezHilton.com. I agree that Brit needs to get the drugs and excessive alcohol under control. But being nude behind closed doors in your home!! Heck, I do it. Many moms do things sans clothing when their kids are small. And we wouldn’t be such a society of overweight kids if Brit were the only mom to give their kids junk food!

Brit needs to work on herself—figure out who she is and who she wants to be beyond the perception she gives the public. She needs an identity as a person, just as we all do. Until you figure out who you are and want to be, you’ll live up to what others want from you. I did that for years when I was a DoorMat. I gave and gave for approval from others, with no sense of who I was so I couldn’t develop my own identity. That’s where Brit is now. In that way we’re not all that different.

Who does she really want to be? She probably doesn’t know, or know how to figure it out. I feel sorry for Brit. She’s not a rotten mother. She’s a kid who doesn’t know how to develop into a mature adult. What she needs is people who care about HER, not how it will affect her career; to help her grow up and began to appreciate herself from the inside out. Until she finds ways to truly love herself, she can’t be in a healthy relationship, and can’t parent her kids in a healthy way, not unlike many other young women.

I’m praying for you Brit! Call if you’d like some real help! ☺




I'm delighted to have an article I wrote in these blog Carnivals:
Success Is In You

Success Inspired

80+ Years Old Rocks

All week I’ve been talking Aging with Joy. As the years creep up, some of you succumb to the belief that life is going downhill. NOT! Today is always the first day of the rest of your life, not another step to a depressing place.

You can be happy and fulfilled at any age. A new book, 80: Our Most Famous 80 Year Olds Reveal Why They Never Felt So Young (Sourcebooks, 2007) by Gerald Gardner and Jim Bellows has input from eighty of America’s most inspirational people who have reached the age of eighty or more and reflect on their journeys to “the big 8-0.” Those of you who fear “the big 4-0” take heart. These eighty young, older seniors say the passions that they continue to pursue keep them truly young. They honed their enjoyment of life and never let it go!

In 80: Our Most Famous 80 Year Olds Reveal Why They Never Felt So Young these people who are 80+ tell their stories. Reading them will entertain and enlighten you to what you could have in store in your senior years, IF you choose to continue to enjoy life. Legendary household names from Ben Bradlee to Dominick Dunne; Jane Russell to Lena Horne; Liz Smith to Peter Marshall—share candidly and enthusiastically about how they’ve maintained a satisfying quality of life. They also talk about lessons from their pasts that contribute to their attitudes and activities today.

You can learn from these happy unsenior-like seniors! And be inspired to create your own foundation for a happy life at any age.

The common theme among them is the importance of work. “Never retire”, they all advise. While many have changed their paths, their passion and the commitment lead them to satisfying alternatives. Some examples are:

Helen Gurley Brown, who continues to launch international editions of Cosmo. When I first began writing, I did my first interview with this amazing woman. She was gracious and kind, traits that probably help her stay in the game today.

Nanette Fabray, who’s a legend in TV, film and Broadway, now works tirelessly for the disabled, testifying in Congress and lobbying. Helping others is one of the most rewarding things you can do. Studies show that people who are the happiest believe in giving back.

Carl Reiner who astounds Hollywood with his continued energy. Think Oceans 11, 12 and 13. This 80+ legend holds his own among Brad Pitt and Clooney.

Senator Robert Byrd still does what he’s done for decades, with a fearless and relentless ability! Age hasn’t slowed down his efforts in the senate. There’s no mandatory age to retire, unless you give it to yourself!

Betty Garrett still performs, teaches and runs her own theater. Passion driven keeps you life-driven instead of waiting for the end to come and being miserable!

Norman Lear, legendary writer and producer of some of the most popular sitcoms in the history of TV now travels to campuses with a copy of the Declaration of Independence to inspire young people to vote. Colleges! I’ve heard folks in their 40’s dismiss college students as an audience to speak to. They block themselves from opportunities! Lear makes new ones.

Hugh Hefner—do I need to elaborate on this man who lives with some of the hottest chicks out there? He does his TV show and lives life to the fullest. I recently heard him say that his sex life is still kicking on high. Hmmm… That should motivate some of you to not give up on yourself as the years increase in your age.

Yesterday I quoted George Bernard Shaw saying, "We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing." All the people in this book have decided to not stop playing. I heard one of the authors say that he expected to have a hard time interviewing this illustrious group but no, they were all happy to tell their stories. Graciousness is another quality that can help you live happier for a longer time.

Check out 80: Our Most Famous 80 Year Olds Reveal Why They Never Felt So Young if you want a good motivation for guiding your life to a healthier and happier journey as you get older.

Happy Birthday to Me!

I love birthdays! Today I’m taking full advantage of what I think of as birthday privileges—feeling like a kid, treating myself to things I’d normally avoid eating, taking it easier, allowing myself time on the phone during my work hours to chat with friends who call to give me good wishes. That’s what birthdays are for!!!

Birthdays are not for regret and getting depressed!

Unfulfilled ambitions get more pronounced as years pass. Do you stress over what you don't have or haven't accomplished? In my DoorMat days I worried that I was ticking away my "good years" and soon it would become too late to "become someone." I didn’t recognize I already was someone. My self-esteem plummeted from worries about being too old to pursue dreams. I was in my twenties! Thank goodness I proved me wrong! Developing self-esteem motivated me to go for the gold as I got older.

Doubting yourself impedes you. Birthdays can make you wonder if you can continue to have the energy needed to continue following your passions. They can also bring up questions about how you’ll cope with competition from younger people in your field and concerns about not looking as good as them. Understand that your age doesn’t stop you! YOU stop you by buying into the belief that getting older limits you.

Why not make the most of the rest of every year instead of letting concern dampen them.

A major contributor to a youthful appearance is happiness. Unhappy people take the doom course. If they feel lousy about aging, they want company and try to undermine the happy activities of others, using age as an excuse. I’m knocked for taking off with a backpack to places a woman my age “shouldn’t go to alone.” SHOULD! I figure they’re dying to go but can’t. Not me! Let them point out my age. I’ll point back, with a postcard from my next destination. Last summer I went to Alaska solo and had a blast!

George Bernard Shaw said, "We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing."

I’m playing today and will keep playing the game of life every day. As I said, the only one who can stop you from doing something is you! People decide at a certain age they must do things differently. NOT!! Like Shaw said, if you limit what you can do because of your age, you’ll grow old. Age doesn’t have to stop you from playing or pursuing dreams or staying fit or looking good!

I continue to overcome hurdles and every time I do, learn that I’m capable of most anything I put my mind to. I tend to date guys who are a bit younger than me. Often one will say that while the calendar says I’m older, I’m younger than him in every other way. ☺ My spirit has grown and flourished, not gotten old.

So don’t be scared of birthdays!

Come out and play! Embrace yourself and your years of experience and be grateful for what you have, instead of lamenting about what you think getting older will take away. Why ruin the rest of your years? Take life one delicious step at a time. I thought I was over in my twenties when I was a DoorMat. Now that I’ve recovered, every day that makes me older is a gift. Enjoy!

The Age Myth

I’ll continue my Aging with Joy week with a guest blogger—Karen Lynch, who writes a blog called Live the Power. Karen recently had a birthday and I loved what she wrote about feeling good about getting older. I’m delighted to reprint this article from an earlier post on her blog.

The Age Myth
By Karen Lynch

The face of a beautiful new actress in Hollywood looks out at me from the photograph. Her smile lights up the computer screen and I find myself smiling back at her sweet face. She is destined to be a star. In my eyes she already is a Star.

Mae Laborde is 97 years young. She started her acting career just 4 years ago. She was 93 years old when she earned her screen actors guild card. At 4’10” with her snow-white hair and expressive smile, she is the vision of the Grandma we all long for. On a recent MaDtv episode she played Vanna White of “Wheel of Fortune” fame albeit projected 40 years into the future. She has appeared in a few commercials and she recently landed a small role in an upcoming movie starring Ben Stiller.

You can see her beautiful face and read more about her here. 
No Fading Star
 Keep your eyes out for Mae Laborde. She is a star!

And another inspiration……

Many writers start writing at a young age. Carson McCullers wrote, “The Heart is a Lonely Hunter” at age 23. The other day I read a short bio of a fiction writer who claimed to have always known that she was meant to write and she actually wrote her first book at age 5 (she didn’t mention if that one was ever published, but of course she has been published many times since!). Oftentimes I read these stories and I feel intimidated. But today I read a story about an author that inspired me.

Harry Bernstein began his writing career at age 93. At age 93 after losing his beloved wife and in the midst of reeling with the memories of his long life, Harry began to write as a form of therapy. Apparently the therapy paid off handsomely because his first published book “The Invisible Wall: A Love Story that Broke Barriers” came out in 2007, his 96th year, on March 20. It is reputed to be a touching memoir of the Anti-Semitism he experienced in his childhood. I’m looking forward to reading it.

Harry also claims that since he has this book-writing thing down he now has plans to write a few more. His second book entitled “The Dream” is almost finished and a publisher has already signed on.
 For more on Harry’s story see
 It’s Never Too Late.

It’s never too late to follow your dreams. These two inspiring individuals are incredible examples of the fact that being “too old” is just a myth.

Keep your Dreams alive. You are never too old!

Live the Power

Aging with Joy!

Wednesday is my birthday. I’ve been asked if that bothers me. Bothers me!? Heck no! The only thing that bothers me is that some folks consider having a birthday is a source of stress. But I know it is for many people. It used to be a concern for people who crossed the 40 line, but now I hear it from people much younger than that. In our botox+ world, everyone is chasing youth.

You can have work done to change your appearance but you can’t change your age. You can lie about it. Or deny it. But you still know how old you are. Why let it eat you up or bring you down? I’ve accepted that I’m still me, no matter what age I am. And if folks judge me for being that age, then they don’t really know me at all.

As the percentage of older Americans increases, we’ve become a society that worships youth. Who you are becomes much less relevant than how old you are, or look. Unless YOU make yourself relevant, no matter what your age. I’ve learned to value who I am. I do take good care of me so my skin is in good shape. I run 3-5 days in Central Park, and do weight training, to maintain my physical fitness. But looking younger is secondary to being as healthy and fit as I can be—for me!

In honor of the birthday I’ll be celebrating with gusto, I’ll post every day about getting older. Birthdays aren’t another step closer to doom and gloom. You’re still the same person you were right before it. Maybe a little wiser if you’re lucky. So relax and celebrate you.

Every year I celebrate ME on September 19th. And I celebrate accepting ME at any age. Of course it would be nice to freeze time so I could have the energy of my teens and less of the little aches and pains that happen as you get older. But I accept that I can’t and live from there! Birthdays aren’t a slow death sentence. They’re a celebration!

So this Wednesday I’ll be at the Telephone Bar in NYC where I go every year to celebrate my self-acceptance. Friend with good energy, who I care about, join me. I look forward to it with joy, not dread. Birthdays are so much fun if you allow them to be. I call the shots, use it as an excuse for getting my way, ☺ and to indulge myself. Stay tuned for more incentives to age with joy!

Take No Prisoners!

Have you felt envy toward someone? Come on, admit it! We all sometimes yearn to have what someone else does. Did you wonder why he has so much luck? Or wish she’d fall on her face since it isn’t fair for someone else to get so much when you have none of it?? That’s a normal reaction. But those thoughts make you a prisoner. Each is a bar that holds you back from getting what you say you want.

Franklin D. Roosevelt said, “Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.”

Your thoughts manifest your reality. If it’s possible to get something and you think you can, you can. If you spend your thoughts on:

All the reasons you can’t—then you wont be able to.
Wishing you had what others do—prepare to live in a state of wishing.
Making excuses or blaming situations for what you don’t have—enjoy being a victim of your thoughts!

I used to do all of the above in my DoorMat days. I thought nothing would go right for me and nothing did. My thoughts were dismal:

I can never find the right people to help me.
Why, oh why, don’t I have the guy or the job or the anything else someone had.
Thinner girls got more than me.
Woe is me, I’ll never be happy.

Yada, yada yada! Thoughts can keep you stuck or you can force yourself to change them and use them to unlock doors. Unless you like being a victim. That gives you more time to vege at the TV or online and gain weight that can later be used to fulfill expectations that victimhood creates in your thoughts. Those thoughts are the real evil doers. I quickly say a positive affirmation when one comes to mind.

“I can do anything I choose to do.”
“I’m as happy as I make myself.”
“I refuse to let evil doer thoughts hold me back!”

Most people can’t have 2 thoughts at the same time. So block out the evil doers with something better until you break the habit of thinking victim thoughts. You can conquer those thoughts by consciously choosing to. It’s fun to watch how much you can get when you do. Now I control my mind, instead of letting it keep me in prison. Freedom in thinking allows you the opportunity to follow your passions! Then you have to do the work to manifest them. This former DoorMat is living that life now and it rocks!

The Power of NO

I'm delighted to have a special guest today--Susan Newman, Ph.D., author of The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It—and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever (McGraw-Hill, 2006) Saying NO is something many people have a problem with. This book is full of ways to learn how to say NO and mean it.

The Power of NO: Take Back Your Life One Word at a Time
By Susan Newman, Ph.D.

In today’s busy world, your most valuable commodity is time. Most of us are pulled in many directions by family, friends, or co-workers. Favors and requests come your way every day without fail, and too often without thinking, you say, “Yes. Sure. No problem. I can do that” when you really want to say “no.”

Refusing someone is rarely easy and is often downright uncomfortable. But constantly giving in creates anxiety, anger, added stress, regret, and feelings of powerlessness. One little word will let you take back your life. The power of “NO” is limitless. When used properly, the word “no” allows you to stop the yes-habit and start living your life the way YOU want to.

Stepping into NO: The Basics
Before you can say “no” readily, you will need to keep these five basic steps in mind:
1. Make a list of your yeses over the period of a week. The number of times you say “yes” may surprise you. The amount of yeses you are comfortable with will be different for everyone, but the true gauge is how pressured, tight for time, or resentful you feel.
2. Pay attention to how you parcel out your time. When your time is well managed, you’ll keep some in reserve for what’s most important to you.
3. Get your priorities straight. Decide who it is you want to say yes to, and who has first “crack” at your time.
4. Know your limits—start to define them if you don’t know what they are. Know your emotional and physical limitations. Keep these limits in mind before you commit your time, your talent, your support or merely your presence.
5. Give control to others to ease your responsibilities. Eliminating the need to run things yourself to be sure they turn out the way you like them relieves much of the pressure you put on yourself.

Flexing Your “NO Muscle”
Here are a few more thoughts from The Book of NO that will help you start flexing your “NO Muscle:”
• When approached with a request, pause briefly and analyze what is really being asked of you. Make sure you fully understand the magnitude of the job before you blurt out “yes.”
• If you decide to say “yes” to something, be very specific about the amount of time you have to devote to the task, and, if necessary, alter it to make it more manageable.
• Try repeating an affirmation to help you stick to your decisions. Repeat something like, “I will not give in,” to remind yourself that you deserve to be in control of your time.

Remember, you can say “no” and still remain a caring, committed person. Don’t fret over the consequences of your “no.” In general, people don’t think about you as much as you worry about what they think, and if you’ve handled the situation calmly, the backlash will be absent or insignificant. Remind yourself daily that “no” is liberating and to say it is your right.

You can say “no” with the best of them! For more tips, see: www.thebookofno.com

Susan Newman, Ph.D. is a social psychologist and author of The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It--and Mean It and Stop People-pleasing Forever (McGraw-Hill, Dec. 2005), Nobody's Baby Now: Reinventing Your Adult Relationship with Your Mother and Father, Parenting an Only Child, The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only, and Little Things Long Remembered: Making Your Children Feel Special Every Day, among others. www.susannewmanphd.com

Celebrity Envy

All the entertainment TV shows, tabloids, blogs, etc. show that people are interested in celebrities. Many live vicariously through what they see as charmed lives or seek to emulate their style and behavior. Growing up, I read teen magazines, had crushes on guys whose records I bought or who I watched on TV or in movies. But it wasn’t close to the obsessions many people have with the rich and famous today. The media makes it more accessible to fans who lap it up.

Pay attention to the celebs that many of us live vicariously through, enviously wishing to have what they do. Do you think with all her money, sometimes tight body, fame, etc., that Britney Spears is happy? Partying too hard, shaving her head, erratic behavior, and cutting off most of her close peeps is indicative of an unhappy and troubled person. Her performance at the MTV awards was supposed to be her big comeback. Instead, Brit has become the poster child for what girls should NOT become!

Lindsay Lohan is paying her dues for all this so-called glamorous lifestyle. The jury is still out on whether or not she’ll get it together when she returns to real life. She always seems repentant when she goes to rehab. This time she’s in for longer, and reunited with her dad. She’s young and talented and I hope she does get it together. But, she’s certainly no role model for young girls.

Paris has always had a need to party and live a “Look at me” lifestyle. Maybe her time in jail did wake her and she’ll continue to use her name to help people. I hope so! She’s blessed to have a supportive family. I think Paris has lots of special, untapped energy and an ability to rise above her less than stellar exploits. It’s no crime to party, as long as there’s balance. Nicole Ritchie seems to have also made some changes I her attitude now that a baby is on the way. But role models? Hmmm..

Money and good looks—or the good lucks money can buy—can make us wish to have what these celebs have. Or to be them.

Yet having unlimited funds can make them take money and what it buys for granted. That leaves you wanting more. And having good looks—male or female—can make a celeb feel even more invincible. When Lindsay hijacked a car during her last escapade, one of the guys said she told him nothing would happen to her because she’s a celebrity. That sense of entitlement—a belief that special treatment will be given—drives these celebs to self-destruct even more.

Do you still envy them?

How about Owen Wilson? He dates the likes of Kate Hudson and other Hollywood starlets, is considered an A-list movie star and must have lots of money. We expect poor, lonely people to try to commit suicide, not those who have what seems like the ideal. Drugs and alcohol are toys of the rich and famous. But they’re no good. And they’re often used when someone isn’t happy. It’s hard to believe that someone who seems like a golden person needs them mask depression. How can Owen be depressed many ask? Remember, all those things don’t make someone happy if they’re not happy on their own.

Instead of living charmed lives, many celebrities illustrate that money, fashion, great looks and hard abs don’t bring happiness if you don’t have it already.

Being happy is most important and it doesn’t take what celebrities have to feeling content and have lots to smile about. Stay tuned and I’ll give you my take on many of the exploits of the seemingly golden people so you can appreciate your own life more. This blog will help enlighten you to how you can make yourself happier and more confident, with specific tips and insights. Often you just need a little kick in the butt to wake up to the blessings of who you are right now. Consider yourself kicked! ☺

Self-Empowerment Busters

You’ve heard old stereotypes but some are still valid. Not for everyone. But, though I hate them, stereotypes are widespread enough to address. I’m not a typical female and hate getting lumped in with some of the annoying things chicks do. Unlike stereotypes, I LOVE my space and my emotional responses are limited. Over the years I’ve been told I think more like a guy. Hmmmm.. My response is that I’ve just broken out of stereotypes and am blessed to have learned a lot of the best qualities from both sexes.

Women tend to have more overt self-esteem busters—not having a guy, seeing herself as too fat, feeling taken for granted, etc. They busted me for years! Overwhelming needs to please can diminish how you perceive your value. Fear of being alone can push you to hunt and settle for a partner. But the fairy tale myth bursts quickly if you finally get what you thought you had to have and are still not happy. In fairy tales, the frog turns into a prince when he’s kissed. In real life, you marry the frog with lots of money or great sex techniques and spend your life kissing a frog. That’s partly why the divorce rate is so high.

In my pre-self-empowerment days, I lived to find a boyfriend and when I had one, lived to please him so he’d stay. My distorted view said I was complete by having a man, so the focus was on staying complete by keeping him, with little concern for getting my needs satisfied. Most of my girlfriends agreed. The first boyfriend after my divorce was nuts. Yes, he had mental issues. But he was SOOOO hot! With a killer body. And he was fun when he wasn’t mentally abusing me with accusations that weren’t true as I apologized for things I didn’t do. Did I mention great sex? ☺

When I considered leaving this emotionally disturbed hunk, my friends were horrified—“Do you know what’s out there?” So I was encouraged to hang in with a hot whack job because he was better than nothing. Flying solo for a while never crossed our minds. Now I find it the best way to travel if I’m not with a guy who’s worth my time. I can do the many activities I’ve developed passion for, when and how I want. Men are now my cheesecake—a sweet dessert to my already delicious life. When you feel empowered on your own, life is beautiful. And did I mention the great solo sex? ☺

Men tend to be more covert about self-esteem busters—quietly stressing about not making enough money or assessing their bodies against other guys in the gym. And worrying over attributes they can’t change. Height and follicle challenged guys often struggle more. Of course I don’t mean all of them. But a higher percentage of those without a thick head of hair or tall build say they feel less self-assured.

Many women do gravitate to tall men with hair. But sadly, a large income can balance that! Many men still feel a duty to provide, especially with a woman who likes to spend. Guys have told me they feel like women look at them as wallets. It’s harder to love yourself when you feel like a wallet! Or get rejected if your wallet ain’t fat enough. Add to that concerns about the size and delivery of your penis and self-esteem goes into limbo.

The bottom line—both sexes want to feel empowered.

Many women question how I can be so happy when I’m not in a relationship. It’s because I love myself and have a great life that’s dependent on no one but me! Lots of folks don’t have that. That’s why I began Project Self-Empowerment. I plan to raise money, self-publish my book, How Do I Love Me, Let Me Count the Ways, and give it away for free in colleges, shelters, etc. and continue to do self-empowerment projects. I want to help people learn to love themselves more, through my writing and speaking.

You can’t get real self-esteem from a bank account or job, the gym or a romantic partner. It must come from inside you! Yet the media gives unfair and often destructive signals about what we need to have or do. Don’t listen to what people tell you that you need for happiness unless you can say—without crossing your fingers—that you love chasing outside factors for it. Be honest! I chased it all and got some but was never happy—except for fleeting moments of joy—until I looked inward and started to appreciate myself—without the stuff I was told I had to have.

I’m not thin, I’d like to make more money, each year I get older, and right now I’m single. Yet, I’m happy every day. Look for the good in you! You have lots to value! Are you a good person? Appreciate that! Hold your head high and allow yourself to be happy in your own skin.

I Blew Off Fashion Rocks Concert!

It was empowering to walk away from the Fashion Rocks concert. There were many celebrities there. Okay, I confess, I wasn’t going as a guest. A few weeks ago I was asked if I’d like to be a seat filler—someone who sits in the empty seat of someone on stage or other reasons a seat is empty.

I thought it would be fun to be a seat filler at an event like this. It probably would be for many folks. I don’t live far from Radio City and got there at 5PM. The event began at 8. It was packed. They began to push us closer and closer together on the street. It was warm and humid. I longed to return to the writing I left. I was on a roll. Did I want to wait in this throng of people for 3 hours just for the chance to get inside?

NO!!

In the past I did what I was supposed to. I committed to doing this. And I was supposed to want to do this. But I didn’t!! I stood there wishing I could still be at home, happily writing. The cops pushed us closer together. I was sweating and not a happy camper at all.

Instead of thinking “what should I do?” I asked myself, “what do you want to do?”

Home baby! HOME! So I pushed my way through the pack of sweaty people and walked home, happily. I was excited to make a decision that felt good to me. We often think about what everyone else would want use to do when making decisions. When I was a People Pleaser I’d have never just done what felt good for me. Self-love has changed that!

Carrie Bradshaw Finally Got it Right!

Like many people, I watched Sex and the City and related to the Carrie Bradshaw character. She waffled between self-empowered and struggles with men. Her obsession with Big showed her vulnerability. That’s why I was so delighted with her last statement on the final episode:

“The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you YOU love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

A majority of people don’t have a good relationship with themselves. We have relationships with money, romantic partners, friends, even stuff we buy. These days, some people have better relationships with their tech toys—computers, Blackberrys, iPhones, etc.—than they have with people, no less themselves. Just today a woman said she stopped dating a guy who practically lived on line. Even his sex life was “satisfied” on porn sites. We’re becoming a society of intimacy disconnect.

YOU often come in last when relationships come to mind. Yet a relationship with yourself is most important. It sets a good foundation for all other relationships. I used to be who others wanted me to be. I bought into the hype of chasing what’s touted as a must have or must be. Nobody told me that I was important. It was all about everyone else.

Then I discovered the blessing of loving myself. The rest of my lovely life fell into place after that!

What does self-loving mean? Showing yourself kindness. Making an effort to do things that are comforting or enjoyable. Taking good care of your health is loving. So is treating yourself to a splurge. The more you treat yourself in ways that make you feel good, the more loving you feel toward YOU. This isn’t about self-absorption. It’s about a conscientious effort to take care of you. That’s self-love and it brings all sorts of goodies!

How many times do you go to a mirror and say “I love you?” Are you spoutin’ zeroes? I do it easily now. Falling in love with YOU means going beyond how you look, your age and how much money you make to appreciate the person YOU ARE and the values YOU’VE chosen. I’ll be giving tips for doing this in future posts. For now, become conscious of how loving—or not—you are to YOU.

I’ll repeat this quote:
“The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you YOU love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

When you—male or female—have a loving relationship with yourself, and value who you are as a unique individual who’s worthy of love and happiness, it’s harder to settle for a romantic partner who isn’t right for you. That really is just fabulous because it helps you wait to meet someone who does love you for the right reasons.

Since I loved Sex and the City so much, I was delighted to have the opportunity to be a guest on Candace Bushnell’s (creator of Sex and the City) radio show on Sirius. I’ve done many appearances but never did I do a whole hour live with a glass of wine that was never allowed to get low. We laughed, screamed and debated topics about relationships and being empowered. Since I’ve learned to love and appreciate me, blessings like this manifest regularly! That’s Candace and I in the photo.

Making Your Mistakes Count

Letting mistakes bring you down is a big happiness buster. When you make them a motivation to go forward, they bring more satisfaction to your world instead of making you feel like a loser for not doing things perfectly. Cut yourself slack and smile! This article originally appeared in Volume 2, Issue 4 of my free Self-Empowerment Quarterly newsletter. If you’d like to subscribe send your name, and city/state to subempowernews@daylle.com

Making Your Mistakes Count
Brandi Chastain plays soccer. In 1999 she accidentally scored a goal in the wrong net. The other team got the point. This wasn’t just any old game. It was the quarterfinals for the Women’s World Cup. Did Brandi sulk and ask to get taken out of the game? No! Did she let it rattle her confidence? No! She let it motivate her to recover and persevere to tie the game, which the U.S. team won.

Lots of people saw Brandi’s mistake. It was a big deal. She could have let embarrassment deflate her and play on her nerves for other games. Because she didn’t, Brandi isn’t remembered for her blunder. Nine days later in the final game, she scored the goal that won the Cup. Brandi proved that mistakes don’t hurt you! You hurt you when you respond to them in ways that negatively affect what you do later.

Brandi says, “It’s what your do after the mistakes that counts.” You can deal with one and move on, or dwell on embarrassment and let it make you feel incompetent. Mistakes can teach you what you have to do differently, if you keep them in perspective and not let them make you question your competency or feel inadequate. You choose whether to let a goof hurt you or to cut yourself slack and get back on track. Become more conscious of your reaction to mistakes.

* Don’t insult yourself. If you keep referring to yourself as an idiot or stupid, you’ll eventually believe it. Don’t use words that you wouldn’t use on your best friend if she made a mistake. How often do you tell a friend, “You’re an idiot and should be punished?” Yet we call ourselves names and punish ourselves. Allow a kinder perception of what you did. You goofed, not screwed up. You’re silly, not an idiot or loser. Pay attention to your self-perception and choose a kinder outlook.

* Don’t blow what you did out of proportion. It’s common to magnify faults and drag out misery by rehashing what you did in your mind. It’s a mistake, not a sin! Don’t make it more than it is. If people say it’s no big deal, accept that it’s no big deal. It’s done—you can only do what’s necessary to be fix it, without making it a catastrophe.

* No more “should haves”! Saying “I should have…” makes you feel wrong. It does you no good to look back and think about how you wish you could change what you can’t change. Your mistake is over. Look ahead!

* Let it go quickly. Every day you hold onto guilt or blame or horror of a past action is another day you’re punished unnecessarily. That damages your spirit. Don’t hold yourself to a higher standard than your friends. You don’t punish them, so why punish you? List all your feelings – anger, inconvenience, embarrassment, etc. – read it aloud, and then burn it. That helps let it go.

* Forgive YOU. You can’t do this while beating yourself up. Forgive you for being human and imperfect. Until you forgive, you can’t let it go. Be loving to you!

* Learn to laugh at yourself. Don’t put yourself down but laugh when you goof up. Say oops if you forget something. Allow yourself to feel the humor instead of gritting teeth and feeling stupid. If you trip and fall with people watching, ask how many points you get. Learn to find humor in mistakes to lighten them.

* Remember that most people are supportive. Others don’t judge us nearly as harshly as we judge ourselves. They don’t want you to feel bad and aren’t gleeful if you do something wrong. Most mistakes aren’t important to others. And those who don’t feel bad for you won’t feel good for you when you succeed so who cares about them!

* Be open to reassurance from others. When people try to say nice things after you goof, do you scoff them off or minimize their kind words? Don’t! Everyone goofs and knows how lousy it feels so they want to make you feel better. Allow them to.

* Do affirmations to reassure yourself. ”I’m a winner.” “I’m not my mistakes and can do things well.” Saying affirmations helps heal bruised confidence and facilitates moving on. They also drown out negative thoughts since it’s hard to think both at once.

* Look for lessons and be more conscious / careful in the future. What can you do differently? If you didn’t prepare enough for a presentation, prepare more. If you goofed because you’re tired, try to rest more. And if it was an accident that you broke something or tripped, accept that accidents happen and you can only do your best.

Cut yourself slack if you fail your perfection standards! When you focus on imperfections, they become bigger than they are and distract you from good qualities. You can balance what you don’t have with your strengths.

Michael Jordan said, "I've missed over 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot...and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." Don’t let mistakes take you out. Conquer them instead! Keep what you did in perspective. Ask yourself if it will matter ten, or even one year from now. The faster you let it go, the less damage to your confidence. Never forget that everyone makes mistakes – that’s being human. It’s how you let them affect you – or not – that counts. Make sure that your main perception is how terrific and talented you are!