Advice from the Corporate Trenches

For my Embracing SUCCESS series, today I have advice from Tom Northup, founder of Leadership Management Group and author of the new book, Five Hidden Mistakes CEOs Make: How To Unlock the Secrets That Drive Growth and Profitability (Solutions Press, 2008). He believes that to realize their visions of the future, successful leaders must strategically transform how their companies operate at all levels, from leadership ability and people productivity to planning processes and even the underlying culture. A former CEO of three successful businesses, Northup says, “Attitude is everything. Right now, your company gets the results—good or bad—that it was designed to get. If your vision of the future differs from your current situation, if you want to get better results, then you must change the way you do things. If you don’t, how can you expect results that are any different from what you’ve already achieved?”

This book is written for leaders but the tips can be applied to many areas of business, and even in your personal life. So even if you’re not in the higher echelons of a corporation, or seeking to pursue getting there, these tips can still help you achieve the SUCCESS you want.

Advice from the Corporate Trenches
By Tom Northup

You will achieve higher success when you look for ways to accomplish your goals rather than make excuses. Here are several of the highest pay-off areas he sees as necessary for CEOs to focus on:

Develop strategically with purpose. Grow profits and revenues year-to-year. Build an outstanding company that is proactive and able to identify, develop and realize opportunities – regularly year after year. Do this by implementing "strategic development." For effective strategic development there needs to be both a clear definition of a desired future and effective operations. Break your operations down into people productivity and leadership culture. Realize that over time the sum of strategy, productivity and leadership will result in an outstanding company.

Focus on your core competencies first. Understand the key success factors that drive your marketplace and develop those into core competencies in your company. This requires developing a comprehensive strategy and then executing it. Pay attention to the details and document the processes you use well.

Get in control and stay in control. Is the company running you or are you in control? Do you have a strategy and operational initiatives that your management team fully supports? Do you hold your self and your team accountable to meet the milestones you have set for yourself? Evaluate operational performance using metrics that matter. Use systematic improvement to increase the performance of the things your people do to succeed.

Target opportunities intentionally instead of reacting to problems. What do you think about when driving home at the end of a long day; problems or opportunities? The difference between these two approaches is the difference between a weak organization not meeting its performance objectives and an outstanding organization that is a profitable, growing market leader.

Change the way things get done systematically. Do you and your managers make regular improvements or are you just getting by? All organizations are perfectly designed to get the results they are now getting. If you want a different future, you must change the way you do things. The definition of a rut – a coffin with the ends knocked out.

Be the Leader. Be the role model. Personal leadership means that you are the role model for your company. Everything you do and say counts. Your employees observe you and your traits. Your personal leadership is a reflection of you and your expectations for you and your organization. To be an effective manager you must exhibit strong personal leadership. Make it your personal goal to build personal excellence and develop an environment in which leadership qualities flourish in all employees because of your leadership example.

Control your strategic planning. Manage your strategic planning intentionally and intelligently with your management team so that you harness and channel the combined experience, education and perspectives that you hired them for. Effective planning focuses the team to drive organizational performance, improves sales results and achieve competitive advantage in your marketplace.

Let go of the myth of individualism. Don’t think that you are the only one who can do it all. Build your organization so that the organization performs without essential personalities and individuals. Trust your people and their abilities and instincts and see no reason to change what worked for them. Understand that their success depends on relationships and alliances with others as much as it does on themselves. Don’t let the idea that everyone succeeds or fails based on individual effort and ability, lead your people astray. Make organizational success a higher value than individual achievement in your corporate culture.

Focus on doing the right things. Many managers make the mistake of being efficient, doing things right, but not by being effective, doing the right things. Effective leaders and managers focus themselves and their people on the right things by hold holding themselves accountable for the company’s performance and future. To be accountable requires a solid foundation, a clear strategic plan, meaningful specific performance metrics, and regular progress reviews.

Embrace change. Real change is self motivated. It’s not that we do not like change. What we do not like is to be changed. Make the acceptance of change part of your corporate culture. Involve your employees in discovering the need for change and involve them in the plans for change so they don’t become “change plan critics” and change-resistant employees. People who participate in setting the direction of change and in developing initiatives to achieve change become intellectually and emotionally committed. Involve people in the solution, and they you will overcome resistance to change. People will welcome it. Change will become part of the fabric of the company.
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Thanks to Tom Northup, for sharing these great tips. Check out his new book, Five Hidden Mistakes CEOs Make: How To Unlock the Secrets That Drive Growth and Profitability (Solutions Press, 2008).

It’s All SUCCESS!

A client was recently discussing her progress for finding a new job. She’d rewritten her resume, sent some out, and studied online job boards. After a month, she felt discouraged after not getting any bites. I reassured her but she went on to call herself a failure. I immediately explained that she should actually be proud of her SUCCESS. She looked at me like I was from Mars. How could she be successful if she hadn’t gotten a new job yet?

Because SUCCESS isn’t just the end result. Getting off your butt and taking some action is SUCCESS, when you’re enlightened enough to recognize it as such.

When you don’t get instant gratification for your efforts, do you feel down or indulge in self-pity or feel defeated or all of the above? That’s typical, but unfair. Every step in your journey to reach the ultimate goal is SUCCESS. The hardest part of that SUCCESS may be the work you do to achieve it. Yet so many folks don’t acknowledge that as an accomplishment.

My ninth and tenth books will be out early next year so I’m not a newbie to publishing. People often ask how I manage to write them. How do I get the interviews for my music biz books? In their eyes, getting the book published is my SUCCESS. Yet for me, my biggest SUCCESS is writing the proposal that sells the book. I find that part tedious. It’s a sales pitch. Writing books is pure joy—the easy part for me. Once I have the deal and can write the book, I’m reaping the benefits of SUCCESS.

People judge my SUCCESS by all the TV and radio shows I’m on. I do get a lot of press. But for me that’s the process I need to go through to continue earning my living writing. The many fan letters from folks telling me how much my writing helped them is another big SUCCESS. Every day! That’s what makes what I do worthwhile. Earning money is good since I must pay my bills. But that’s not what I celebrate as SUCCESS.

It’s easy to sit back, do nothing and complain about not enjoying your life or getting what you want. Taking the first step to accomplish something is the first SUCCESS. Not giving up is SUCCESS. Making that call you hate making is SUCCESS.

I made my client do an inventory of all she’d done. Once she began to acknowledge her efforts as small SUCCESSES and cheer herself on, she began to get calls for job interviews. More importantly, she felt better. Slowly her perception of SUCCESS broadened with her opportunities.

In the first post of my Embracing SUCCESS series, I discussed some definitions of SUCCESS of my own and from other bloggers. Periodically I’ve posted more. I haven’t been as successful as I’d have liked about posting for this series lately. My schedule has been crazy with my plate overflowing with blessings of work.

Am I guilty about slacking off? NO! I consider it a SUCCESS that I prioritized my time to get my paid writing done while still getting some posts up here.

In the past I’d have killed myself to do it all. Less sleep. More stress. And beat myself up if I couldn’t do everything. Since this behavior hurts my well-being, I curtailed it. So slacking off on this blog for a while is actually SUCCESS to me. I care about myself enough to respect limits. Taking good care of yourself SUCCESS. Others may not agree but I don’t care! I feel good because of it!

This series is intended to make you more aware of the many facets of SUCCESS. It means many things to many people. The more you recognize things that you should celebrate as SUCCESS, the better you’ll feel and the more you’ll manifest. Some points to understand are:

* Appreciating all the little things you do and have as SUCCESS is a good way to count your blessings. The more you feel gratitude, the better you’ll feel. Gratitude is a great tool for accelerating SUCCESS. Counting your blessings attracts more blessings!

* From the point of view of the Law of Attraction, the more you acknowledge as positive SUCCESS, the more successful endeavors you’ll attract. Bah humbugging the journey to your goals puts a bah humbug vibe on it. Patting yourself on the back for each little step you take, and appreciating the bigger picture of your life more, feels better than lamenting about what hasn’t worked out yet.

* Making SUCCESS less about external material acquisitions and more about intangible assets, like internal peace and satisfaction, will make you a lot happier—IF you let it of course!

Now for some more definitions of SUCCESS from other bloggers. I greatly appreciate their participation. Lorraine Cohen at Powerfull Living participated a while back, with a full post called, What’s your Definition of Success? While I linked to it then, I want to quote part of her definition, since it fits what I just talked about:

“I see success as anything attempted regardless of the outcome. That’s how we learn and grow. So, I see every action as a stepping stone to bringing our desires to reality.”

When you flow from one step to another, the goal you’re pursuing becomes clearer and more accessible. Dustin Wax, project manager at Lifehack as well as the blogger behind The Writer's Technology Companion says:

“Success for me is a kind of flow state. It's not just that a project gets finished and that it meets your expectations but that one thing leads to the next. A successful project lays the groundwork for the next project, and so on, in a cycle of self-sustained growth. When all the parts of your life fit together and feed each other's motion, that to me is a successful life.”

I so love this definition! The last few months left me feeling a bit out of whack, rushing to interview people, transcribing, and writing—writing—writing, while I had to neglect activities and people. Now I’ve been expressing gratitude for getting my mojo back. It’s so true that when you’re in a good flow and life works for you, you’ve achieved the kind of SUCCESS that creates joy and satisfaction. The pursuit of money and power doesn’t! Colleen Wainwright at Communicatrix has learned the true meaning of SUCCESS and says:

“For years, I measured my success by external yardsticks: money, power, lots of juice on a business card—even my status as the post-feminist version of Mrs. Somebody Else (without, you know, actually *changing* my name, since the deed went down in a post-feminist era.)

Ironically, now I measure my success in how quickly I notice when I'm still measuring myself by those old, external standards. Because change, she is a mighty and slow process, and I'd be lying if I said I had the issue well in hand. I'm working towards being comfortable with whatever I define success as, which, at this point, is mainly being comfortable in my own skin. No external rewards for that, but the internal gratification is priceless...I think.”

Internal gratification IS priceless! Colleen’s definition reminds me that my biggest SUCCESS is finding and loving me. To rip off a Master Card commercial—You might buy a house--half million, a car--40 grand, get a raise at work--$10,000. Learning to love yourself—PRICELESS! As a recovering DoorMat, I’ve come a long way from the hell I lived in when I hated myself and let people walk all over me to be liked. No matter what else happens in my life, I’ve found SUCCESS!

Being happy is SUCCESS. Sadly, I encounter many more people who aren’t happy. They may not be overtly unhappy, but they’re living without passion. MANY people pass time, like I did before I took the train out of DoorMatville, instead of grabbing life with both hands and jumping into joyful activities and people. As Jonathan Fields, at Awake @ the Wheel, says:

“Success is the ability to spend the greatest amount of time absorbed in activities and relationships that fill me up, surrounded by people I cannot get enough of.”

Yes! SUCCESS is having a life that fulfills you, that provides MANY reasons to smile each day. A computer techie I know works constantly. He runs from one person to another to charge his high hourly fee to help them. I asked him if he ever slowed down. Surely he must make enough money with all his long hours. He pulled out a bunch of tech toys and explained that there are more and more electronic devices being created. He has to have them all, so he needs tons of $$. I asked him if he’s happy. He looked confused. I know he’s not. He rarely smiles and is always rushing off to work or buy more.

You can buy lots of toys and clothes and other things, but you can’t buy is joy!

Creating a joyful life is an inside job. When you recognize that being happy is true SUCCESS, your priorities will go in that direction. As Scott Young at Get More from Life says:

“Success is having a reason to wake up with enthusiasm each morning. If you can do that, the rest will take care of itself.”

Redefine SUCCESS so you can manifest more in healthier ways. Embrace every little things that you do that improves your life and every attempt to reach a bigger goal. If you look for small SUCCESSES to acknowledge, you can feel successful every day! David Bohl at Slow Down Fast posted earlier as part of this series and has some questions that can get you thinking about what SUCCESS is in What Does Success Mean to You? The more you appreciate as SUCCESS, the better you feel!

Thanks again to Lorraine Cohen at Powerfull Living, Dustin Wax, at Lifehack and The Writer's Technology Companion, Colleen Wainwright at Communicatrix, Jonathan Fields, at Awake @ the Wheel, Scott Young at Get More from Life, and David Bohl at Slow Down Fast for participating. Gee, I feel a bit more SUCCESSFUL from having them share their thoughts! And there will be more definitions to get you thinking in future posts!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

Remember the Good!

I recently saw someone I hadn’t seen in ages, who I’ll call Sue. We went through the usual pleasantries of “How are you doing?” She said she had a better job and had lost a little weight. I said I was glad that things are going well for her. That triggered her telling me a flood of things that had gone wrong in the last few years.

Sue’s Mom had been sick—two years ago! She’d recovered fine but Sue went on and on about how bad it was when Mom was in the hospital. Then she told me all the gory details about why she’d left her last job. I tried asking questions about the good stuff she had going on but she kept telling me about all the negative things she’d gone through in the past years.

Yet she was at a job she liked, in good health, with a Mom who was now in good health!

Too often we relive the past. Or should I saw wallow or grovel in. I did it when I was a DoorMat! Deep down, I think that I didn’t feel deserving of good things. So I held onto the past and suffered through old memories. When you’re in a negative state of mind, you tend to look back on the past more, remembering how people hurt you, feeling low, having promises broken, etc.

But living in the past has few positive benefits. It’s over. Done. Finito!

I live in the NOW. That means I focus on what’s going on right now. And now my life is fine. Actually it’s fabulous! I’d rather count my current blessings than recount past unpleasantries. I don’t worry about tomorrow since it’s not here yet. And yesterday is over. Yet we often keep yesterday alive:

* A romantic partner broke your heart once and now you’re scared to trust anyone.
* You were bit by a dog as a child but are still scared of animals.
* You didn’t feel loved as a child and continue to be needy for it from anyone who’ll give it.
* You mother said that you were worthless and you still feel incapable.
* You were a DoorMat growing up and still can’t get rid of the old messages.

My kindergarten teacher laughed at my paintings. I was five years old, very vulnerable, and wanting to please everyone. Miss Angulo looked at what I was happily making with paint and made fun of it. She joked that I had no talent. To this day I still can’t fathom how someone, no less a teacher, could do that to a child. Yet she was a nice lady, and she liked me. I took her criticism very personally and for the next twenty years was convinced I should stay away from art.

Yet I loved art! I’d draw with pencils and magic markers and hide them.

I was terrified to let anyone see what I made. I enjoyed doing art so much. But, I had no talent! It wasn’t till my mid-twenties that I took an adult ed art class and the teacher said I did some of the best work she’d seen. I said she was wrong and told her what happened in kindergarten. She looked at me like I was insane. One teacher told me at five that I had no talent and I’d made it my reality! That’s when I left the art closet and let people see my work. Now I’m proud of it and have exhibited in art fairs.

Stevie Wonder said, “The only time we should look back to yesterday is to look at the positive things that were accomplished to encourage us to do better things today and tomorrow.”

That’s where I am now. Sometimes I look back as I count my blessings. Good stuff. Positive things people said or did. Remembering good things that happened reminds you that getting what you want is possible. Y

Our past is history. Leave it there instead of dredging it up as painful reminders of what you’ve been through, like Sue did.

I wake up happy each day, because what I’m thinking of is the good stuff I have right now. NOTHING someone said or did to you in the past can hurt you today unless you allow the memories to. Life is as lovely as you choose to make it. So CHOOSE to make it as positive as possible. Rehashing negatives doesn't add one good thing! Watch your thoughts, what you say to others, and how much you complain. Stop the negatives!

You deserve to choose a happy life and have happy experiences! So leave yesterday in the past where it belongs and relish your life and the blessings you have in it, right now.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

Carnival of Healing #146

Welcome to the Carnival of Healing #146! I’m absolutely delighted to be hosting again. The Carnival is a weekly round-up of personal blog posts on the topics of holistic health, wellness, spirituality, and self-empowerment. It’s coordinated by About.com's Guide to Holistic Healing, Phylameana Iila Desy.

When I host a carnival, I like to have a theme. Yesterday I wrote an article called Get into Oink Mode! I discussed how we shouldn’t put limits on ourselves on how much we can manifest. I live by the Law of Attraction, and believe that we attract what we intend to have or put the action into to go after. So my theme today is finding all sorts of way to be kind to yourself and make yourself the best you can be. When you identify things you can do or have, and put out the intention to get them, you’ll have the Law of Attraction on your side. Why not attract lots of goodies instead of just one thing at a time? That’s why I like oink mode. My actions show the Universe I want all the blessings I can attract for my body, mind and spirit!

This week there are an assortment of articles that have suggestions for making your life much better. Read them. Learn from them, and identify things you can do for yourself that you can put out to the Universe and attract for yourself.

Since thoughts and beliefs limit what you attract, if you can unlearn some of your old habits and ways of thinking, you open yourself up to attracting a better way of life. CG Walters addresses this in Walking on Water: Unlearning our limitations posted at Into the Mist.

In that same vein, Arun presents Positive Spin posted at Arun is Bringing You...Your Daily Remedy. He says, “Simply changing your outlook can make everything in life seem brighter!” It also attracts brighter experiences and makes your attitude brighter too."

Creating a healthier lifestyle on many levels is a fabulous way to let the Universe know you’re serious about being feeling good. Anand Dhillon presents How to Build a Healthy Lifestyle posted at Anand Dhillon's Self-Help Blog. He says he explains, “Step-by-step how to go from a sedentary lifestyle to an active, healthy lifestyle. Includes health tips about diet, nutrition, exercise, breathin, making the transition, measuring progress and avoiding the pitfalls."

Gratitude is a great way to attract amazing things into your life. Lovelyn presents Gratitude: The Secret to a Happy Life posted at The Art of Balanced Living.

Appreciating all the blessings around you attracts more. Shirley presents 8 Free Ways to Enjoy Life. posted at Fun Spirit. She says, “It’s so easy to overlook the wonders and joys that surround you every day. In the rush and hurry of getting through the day, we may overlook the simple pleasures. With all the products and advertising bombarding us, you may have forgotten some of the free and easy ways to enjoy the abundance that is all around you."

Stress can really wreck your joy and peace of mind. Joel Chue says self-hypnosis is a great way to control it in Self-Hypnosis Relaxation Information posted at SELF HYPNOSIS: Weight Loss, Quit Smoking Self Hypnosis!. Using relaxation techniques shows you’re serious about getting more relaxed!


When we see things as unfair, it makes us angry. And anger is detrimental to your health and your soul. Finding ways to handle unfair people in a fair way, attracts healthier energy. Crystal Nichols has tips in her article, How to handle the unfairness of life posted at Christian in the Corporate World.

Doing yoga is beneficial in a gazillion ways. Neelakantha at at NursingDegree.net compiled a long list of articles, blogs, classes and other resources for learning more about it. NursingDegree.net The Ultimate Guide to Yoga: 100 Blogs, Tutorials, and Resources and Sagar Satapathy at that same site presents 77 Surprising Health Benefits of Yoga Doing yoga shows the Universe you’re serious about having a healthier body, mind and spirit!

Dan Taylor asks, “Do you really want to know what's holding you back?” at The Truth posted at The 45-Year Old Six Pack. Your actions can set your intentions. This is a thoughtful post that can get you thinking!

Avani presents a review of Bill O’Hanlon’s book, Do One Thing Different in 20 Learnings from Do One Thing Different posted at Avani-Mehta. When you try a new response to an old problem, you attract better energy.

Some foods pack a double bonus—feeding you and nourishing your health. Ralph Jean-Paul presents Eat This Now! The 20 Healthiest Foods You Shouldn't Live Without posted at Potential 2 Success. He says, “Get your hands on these foods and begin to experience the powerful health benefits they provide.” I say show the Universe you’re serious about being healthier by adding at least some of these to your diet. I eat a lot of them and it does improve my health!

Have you, like many of us, looked for ways to lower your sugar calorie count? Weight Ladder / Rich Leverage presents Agave Nectar Complex Carbohydrate Sugar Substitute posted at Weight Loss Journal. He says Agave Nectar Complex might just be the perfect solution to the question of sugar substitution. The best thing about it is that it's thought not to affect your blood sugar levels. I’m going to try this as I like sweets but want to have less sugar!

Need to lose weight? Joshua Seth presents How To Double Your Weight Loss posted at Joshua Seth's Weight Loss Hypnosis Blog. He has tips for helping you take control of factors that keep you from losing those extra pounds. Take action against them to show you’re serious!

I get sore feet sometimes and am always grateful for ways to avoid that happening. Tip Diva presents Tip Diva | Top Ten Tips - Avoiding Foot Pain posted at Tip Diva. She says, “If you’ve ever gotten home, kicked off your shoes and announced, “Oww, my feet hurt,” then you’re probably not wearing proper shoes. Here are ways to alleviate common sources of foot pain.” As a walk-a-holic, I welcome these tips!

Have you suffered from herniated discs and wish you could heal them? Dean Moyer shares his response to one reader's question about herniated discs in his Can Herniated Discs Really Heal? posted at The Back Pain Blog. He says the good news is they do heal and what's more, surgery is seldom required.

That's all for this Carnival! Read and learn from the posts. Tune in next week. Cynthia Quarta at Healing Tai Chi will be hosting. You can submit to this Carnival with the Carnival Submission Form.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon. Thanks!

Get Into Oink Mode!

I’ve heard a gazillion times that too much of a good thing is no good. I know that can be true. Sometimes, having too much of a good thing can make you take it for granted. If you eat too much of something you love you can get sick of it. That’s happened to me, even with yummy things. Too much alcohol can make you sick. But this theory doesn’t apply to everything in life. Yet we often limit what we feel we can get or what we deserve. That’s not a good use of this mentality!

Mae West said that “Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.” I agree wholeheartedly! You can never have too much happiness, contentment, or prayers that get answered.

I used to just pray for specific things, so as not to be a greedy girl. Then I read the book, Prayer of Jabez by Bruce H. Wilkinson. It’s a teeny book with a BIG message. It analyzes the Prayer of Jabez, a little known prayer in the bible. The first verse is “Oh, that You would bless me indeed.” The interpretation of that line?

God wants you to ask for miracles. Lots of them!

There’s no tradeoff—if you ask for one thing you can still ask for another and another! Now I completely accept that I can ask for everything I want, and expect to get it in its right time. After reading the book, I began asking for more. And I got more. I asked specifically for miracles, and miracles happened! I got one thing and continued asking for others.

Now that I believe God wants me to be happy, I’m in oink mode! I’m no longer guilty or apologetic about asking for goodies in many areas.

Let go of limitations about what you should ask for or expect. Why not? We can get support for the best life possible. No matter what your religious belief, or lack of one, I implore you to embrace a sense of faith in whatever way works for you. Put it into action! Let the Law of Attraction bring you lots of goodies from all directions. I used to put out an expectation for something I wanted. Then I felt it wasn’t nice to ask for more. So I waited a while before putting other things I wanted.

That was DoorMat style! Now that I’m in oink mode, I put out all sorts of expectations. They come at the right time.

As your spiritual power works, get into oink mode. Use it more! Start by asking for awareness and guidance about something you need. Be patient. Spirituality isn't magic. You just have to use it. The more faith you get, the more you’ll manifest. It takes time before big benefits of faith become obvious. They may creep up in subtle ways until one day you realize that life is much better in directions that you'd asked for. YEAH!

What would you like? Think about it. Get your vibe of expectation going. Tell the Universe you’re ready for it. Then release it to God and expect it to happen. Getting lots of goodies is so much better than being a DoorMat who feels she doesn’t deserve much. Now I want it all!

OINK! ☺

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

Girls SHOULD Wanna Have Fun

I was running in Central park the other morning and saw a large group of kids. They were out with a teacher in a summer program. As I ran by, I noticed something I’ve seen many times. The boys were running around having a blast. Playing ball, Frisbee, chasing each other, falling down. The girls were sitting quietly in small groups. Doing pretty much nothing!

I wish Cyndi Lauper’s song, “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” was true. Because they don’t!

Okay, maybe they do, deep down. But many won’t allow themselves to have it. When I ran a summer day camp, the boys ran around and played ball all day. The girls over 9 or 10 never wanted to do anything but sit around watching the boys, combing each other’s hair and gossiping. There were a few I could motivate to get up and do an activity. But most followed one or two leaders who called all the shots and led the rest like the Pied Piper.

And then guys wonder why their girlfriend or wife wants to be with him all the time! Many chicks haven’t learned how to have fun, beyond having a guy.

One of the biggest complaints I hear from guys is that when they want a night out with the boys, their partners act like they feel lost. I used to do that when I was a DoorMat. I’d ask, "But what will I do?" in response to his wanting to spend time with friends. My life revolved around whatever guy I was dating. If he was busy, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

Why do so many of us have no life when our world isn't revolving around a man?

One reason is because when we’re girls, we often don’t learn to have fun the way boys did. We didn't have activities that encouraged us to bond with other girls. Boys played more team sports and had less boundaries. They didn't have to stay clean and quiet, so they had more fun together.

We have closer intimate friendships than men. But men have a male bonding for which there's little female equivalent. Men's camaraderie often has a stronger and healthier foundation.

I was once asked to speak on a live TV news show to talk about a "girl's night out." The producer planned to interview women on the street about what they do when they go out with friends. Then I’d comment on their activities. She was excited, thinking she'd get some great responses. I warned her it would probably be a boring segment. It was.

Most women said they went out for dinner with friends. Some went to the theater, a lecture, or concert; some had drinks. What did they talk about? Many discussed work. A big topic was men - their current partner - where to find one - anger towards them - frustration without one. Women often get together to commiserate about men on some level. They spend nights out talking about men and general problems. Talking out our problems with friends is fine. It can be good for us.

But when do we just have fun? When do we carouse, get silly, or totally let our hair down? We often don't.

On the other hand, guys have lots of fun. As boys, they share more sports, wrestling, crashing cars and soldiers and other activities while girls play with dolls or play quietly. So as boys have mindless fun, girls practice being mothers. Guys continue bonding through sports, drinking, doing crazy stunts together, etc., as we spend time with friends trying to look good and find a boyfriend. Men still have fun with their friends as adults.

We don't necessarily have a foundation for having a great time. Our upbringing may not have taught us appropriate or acceptable avenues for fun with other females. Many of us never learned to have a "girl's night out" that's nearly as much fun as being with a man, or even close to as fun as a guy may have with his friends. So many women have no interests beyond HIM.

Women often complain that friends disappear when they have a man. When we're happily in a relationship, we may not need friends, except as a sounding board. But that’s mainly because we’re taught we need a guy to complete us. And if we’re complete with only him, we want to stay put with him!

When guys are in a relationship, they often don't want to give up going out with friends. They like being able to let their hair down and go back to childhood. We get judged if we try behavior they enjoy. Men get drunk together. If we do women do, we may be seen as loose, or unladylike, so there's a stigma attached. Men carouse and get stupid. That's also not considered lady-like either. Men play sports. Some of us play too, but not with the same intensity as men. We don't have our Sunday football games in the park where we can make fools of ourselves and love it. Men watch sports together at home, live, or in bars. They play cards, hear live music in a bar, and other things they find fun.

Many men are often so into bonding when they’re out together, they don't care about meeting women on some nights out with friends.

I have friends who won’t go out anywhere unless there’s potential to meet a guy. I get impatient with them now. I love my life and spending quality time having fun with friends. I’m not on the prowl when I’m out since I’m complete on my own now. Some women are almost programmed to try to find the missing piece in a man so they feel whole. But that never works! And many never learn it doesn’t. I didn’t back in DoorMatville. I always thought it was my fault that I could find the man to complete me. I kept trying to find THE one. Now I'm THE one.

Completing yourself allows you to have more pleasure in life’s blessings instead of always being on edge, waiting for Prince Charming to whisk you off.

Women meet with friends for dinner or drinks to talk about men. We go to various functions looking for men. We shop for clothes to attract one. Boring! Many of us don't share interests with friends which we truly enjoy. It's not our fault. Girls aren't encouraged to enjoy each other's company as guys are. Men may go back to being frolicky little boys for a few hours with their friends. When we're with ours, it's not enthralling to simulate being good little girls who sat quietly doing a task or raising our dolls.

But it can be when you make yourself whole!

I wasn't taught to have a life. Many of us haven’t been. But you can change that. You can develop interests that can consume you with pleasure. You can put the thought of finding someone aside as you explore adding interesting facets to your life. You CAN learn to have fun without a romantic partner. BIG smiling fun! I’ve learned that the only way to be happy is to get a life. Cultivate interests. Stoke your passions for things that don’t involve a romantic partner.

Get out from under the tree and go play. Get dirty. Get silly! Let your inner child come out and play. I’m still a little girl at times—a very happy one! Go out and play. Come on! You can have some fun, whether you’re in a relationship or not. Love yourself enough to allow yourself to have a fun life!

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What is Patriotism?

I saw a poll on one of the morning shows today. They did a survey asking what people consider patriotism. My answer didn’t even make the long list that included voting, wearing a flag pin, and other things that I believe doesn’t necessarily make someone patriotic. Looking at the long list of things that I don’t consider representing patriotism got me thinking.

I consider myself patriotic because I love my country. Pure and simple.

Anyone can wear a flag pin, or vote. But to say from your heart that you really love your country, even if you don’t agree with everything its leader does or its policies, is patriotism to me.

I watched the fireworks tonight as the Fourth of July celebrations sent lights exploding over the East River on TV. I actually live near the area where they go off. I can hear them explode in my apartment. But I have no desire to face the packed crowds to stand outside for many hours, often in the rain, to watch. Are they more patriotic than me? Nope! I’m just more practical. I had a friend who worked at the UN with an office overlooking the festivities and for several years I was spoiled with a front row seat. So now I’m content to watch from the comfort of my air-conditioned place.

As I watched the finale, I felt wonderful about being an American as the band played God Bless America.

I’ve despised many of the policies of the current administration and count the days till Bush is out. My heart gets heavy when I think of the war we instigated in Iraq. But I can speak freely about it. That’s part of the freedom I celebrate as part of being an American.

I have a good friend in Tehran Iran. She translated one of my books six years ago and we’ve been writing to each other ever since. She doesn’t have the freedom I have. She can’t even read this blog! It’s banned, as are many things for her. Even my book got banned after she translated it! She’s used to living with restrictions. I’m not, because my country allows more freedom. Nasrin can’t speak out against her president in public. I can, and do!

It’s funny, because right after 9/11, it seemed like everyone had flags hanging and I wanted one too. All the motivated patriots had flags on their cars, homes, etc. Since I live in an apartment, there’s no place to hang a real one so I got a cardboard facsimile and taped it to my outside door. It’s been there ever since. What I find funny is how many people question why my flag still proudly adorns my front door.

I’ve asked if patriotism is only supposed to show itself after a tragedy. But they don’t get it!

It actually gets comical when folks question why I’d want a flag on my door now. Or sad. Some have a very skewed view of patriotism. To me, rituals don’t necessarily make you one way or another. You can vote or wear a flag pin and not love your country. My flag is on my door from my heart, not from habit.

A while after 9/11, we had the huge blackout. Our hallways have no windows. I was out when it happened and had to walk up 10 flights of stairs to get home. There was an auxiliary light on as I walked up the stairs. Just as I reached my floor, it went out, leaving me in total darkness. There are 2 stairwells on my floor and I couldn’t remember which one I’d come out on. I became disoriented and got scared in the darkness, not being sure where my apartment was.

Then I saw a reflection on a door. It was from my shiny cardboard flag!

The flag people questioned helped me get home. It’s still mounted proudly on my door, as people wonder why. Because I’m not a fair weather patriot!

Happy Birthday USA! Happy Fourth of July to you all!

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